Ten months ago my life changed forever. I met my lovely husband Neil in April 2017 after being on my own for 14 years. I was 48 years old. He was 58. We fell head over heels for each other and married in April 2019. And now I am a 53 year old widow. Neil passed in November from a sudden heart attack whilst at work.
I feel like I am telling someone elseās story.
I miss him more than more words can say and it is getting harder because the reality of not having him to cuddle, kiss, talk to, sing with, dance with is eating away at me. Neil would be devastated that he has left me. He was so protective and only wanted the best for me. He deserves to still be hereā¦itās so unfair. I wonder what I have done to deserve losing the love of my life but self pity doesnāt help.
I read lots of posts on here every day and am amazed by the resilience of this community of heartbroken people. You help me to cope a bit better.
Take care all and keep talking.
Hello @Laneyb
So sorry for your loss.
Itās 8 months for me since I loss my Marti.
It feels life is getting harder without him.
I too thought why did it happen to him, he deserves to still be here, he was so full of life, cheeky and humorous. I wonder what did I do to have him taken away from me. We did everything together, had no friends, just me, him and our boys. Waking up is difficult, having to face another day, trying to keep busy. Itās a tough long journey, but I live in hope, thereās no other choice and take one day at a time.
I read posts on here everyday and itās heart breaking. Keep posting, there are so many lovely people on here who are supportive. Your not alone.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Amy x
I feel your pain. I met my wonderful hubby Richard in 2016 after being a single mum for over 10 years. He was 59 and I was 50 . We got married in 2019 and spent most of lockdown together just us.
He found out he was unwell in June and before we had chance to process that bit of news he died of sepsis in July.
I feel lostā¦
Iām good at putting on a front but to be honest I donāt feel like I have the energy to be strong for others. Just putting one foot in front of the other is so draining.
So I understand where you are at. Itās early days, I know, but really struggling to make sense of where I am at.
Hi all I am sorry for all of your losses its so devastatingly heartbreaking to lose our soulmates its been 5 months and 11 days for me and everyday is is like a living hell without her I love and miss her so much like all of our loves she was kind gentle loving great sense of humour heart of gold they all deserved to be here longer and it feels like its getting harder with each passing day all we had was eachother and our pets all we needed was eachother and now its so empty without her and the longing for her doesnāt stop I talk to her all the time all I can do for her now is take care of our pets and try to do her proud we are all heartbroken and doing the best we can and this community has been a lifeline for me I have had more support and caring here than I have from anywhere else and I read so many post that break my heart there is so much pain but such resilience and understanding and caring for others I hope we all find some moments of peace sending love and hugs x
Hi Amy49
I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for relaying your story.
Like you Neil and I did everything together. We just loved each otherās company. I think meeting late in life we knew every minute was precious especially as he fought and beat prostate cancer the first year we met.
I wake up and feel empty every day but as you sat keep putting one foot on front of the other taking one day at a time. I hope you have support from family as well as the amazing people on here.
Here goes for another day.
I am so sorry you are in the same position as me adelou. Itās the worst feeling in the world. Like you I was a single mum for a long time and was happy to concentrate on that. My daughter was nearly 19yrs when I met Neil and I had just started going out. He was the first man I met actually! We just clicked. We tried to take things slowly but after a few months we both knew we had something special. It was the best 3.5yrs of my adult life. He had to fight prostate cancer the first year we met and he was so determined to be here with me. I still canāt believe he got through thar only to be taken away so suddenly with no warning.
I am so grateful for this site and only now feel able to tell my story.
Keep doing what youāre doing. You are strong because you have got to this point. It is so draining but we need to carry on to keep the memory of our lovely men alive.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Casey1
I have read lots of your posts and you are so expressive in your words about your feelings for Pauline. It is so clear how you felt about her. I am so sorry you have lost the love of your life. It is the most difficult time any of us will go through. We will have other losses in our lives which will be heartbreaking and I believe as human beings we find the resilience to get through them. I could not see me as a survivor when Neil passed but the support from my family and friends got me to this point. My daughter was my focus and kept me from going under.
I love and miss my lovely man more than words can say. I just let the feelings take over when I need. He is in my thoughts every waking minute.
Keep posting and expressing on here and take all the support you can get from the amazing people replying.
Hi all, today is my husbandās birthday and the pain of not having him here is just breaking my heart all over againā¦ I just want to be with him, as I know so many of us doā¦ I have been reading the poem āIf tomorrow starts without meā and donāt understand how fifty years spent with him can be gone in an instantā¦ People say think of your lovely memories and yet all I can see is the last months when he was in painā¦ we only had sixteen days from the diagnosis of stage four lung cancer and his passing and did not talk about it: I donāt know why but we didnāt open up that conversationā¦ I have our little dog but no family, having lost our child to a heart conditionā¦ We bore that loss together, but now I have both lossesā¦ The tears donāt stop, but the family here helps so muchā¦ I wish you all some solaceā¦
@Beetango hi Iām so very sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through I hope you got through today ok the poem you mentioned was read out at my partners funeral it always makes me cry I hope you had support around you today Iām often around if you want to chat I do hope you get some moments of peace sending hugs x
Dear Casey1,
thank you for your caring wordsā¦ You had the poem at your loveās funeral; how heart rendingā¦ One hand, one heartā¦Have you many photos of the two of you in the home? Today I am just wondering where I am and how this has come to passā¦ Indeed, a friend came around today but all I can think of is my husbandā¦ It was so kind of her to keep me company but I donāt feel as if I will ever have anything to offer againā¦ Dear Casey, a chat would be welcome on those days where I am desolate and alone and someone who walks the same path is at the other endā¦ X
@Beetango hello I know what you mean about feeling like you have nothing to offer I feel the same broken and lost its just me and our dog and our 2 cats they give me a reason to carry on and no I donāt have many photos of Pauline she hated her picture being took though I do have quiet a few on my phone of her so I look at her a lot and i always check in on here a few times a day and would welcome a chat anytime take care sending love and hugs x
Hi all, Iām sorry for your losses. I lost my husband aged 55 11 weeks ago we would have been together 40 years next year. We had been together since school. We had plans to move to Spain in April last year but because of covid it was postponed. But then at the end of April he was diagnosed with treatable but incurable kidney cancer. Our world fell apart. Then my worst nightmare of him passing in July happened. We have a 23 year old daughter. Like you all i find it difficult everyday and although i try to meet up with friends as much as possible, the pain is unbearable and I struggle thinking of my future without him as we enjoyed each others company and did everything together. Plus Iām angry too because our daughter should not be having to start her adult life like this and it kills me to think he wonāt see her marry and have children. As long as we keep talking and take a day at a time, we should all get through thisš
We married at 51 and 60. I had been on my own for 9 years and Steveās wife had left him two years before. He was the love of my life. It was a wonderful thing to love someone so much, and such a joy to find that sort of relationship late in life. I was hoping Steve would live into his 80s but he was killed in an accident in July 2020. I too miss hugs and kisses, the warm body next to me, dancing in the kitchen.
I wish we could have been together since we were young and had children together. Both of our lives would have been so much richer. But I can feel his love warming me and I love him still
Dear NicolaS
I love and miss my husband so much. I wish I could feel his love but cannot. I cry every night for him to show me that he is watching over me but nothing. I am angry about the accident and they say this stops any feelings but I do not think I can ever get over the way he went.
We met when we were both in our teens. My first and only love and I too had hoped for years more with my husband but it was not to be. I stumble through each day.
I am sorry you are finding life so hard. My husband was killed outright in a motorcycle accident. Some days are easier than others. I try to keep busy that helps, however some days the grief is overwhelming.
I cannot change things so I try not to get angry. Steve was killed because the council had not painted double white lines on the road. It seems I cannot sue them which seems crazy to me. I concentrate on happy memories, how much I loved him, and the joy we brought each other.
I do believe that we will be together again.
Today I had a missed call saying that the stone mason had placed Steveās headstone today. I think going to see that will be hard tomorrow morning.
Dear NicolaS
We have two grandsons. One born in April and we had only just found out about his impending arrival two days before the accident. They keep me distracted and I see them everyday but when alone in the house I am incapable of doing much but cry.
Like you I believe that one day we will be together but try only to deal with the day I am in as I cannot look further than that.
At the Inquest a family friend who attended on the families behalf challenged something and the Coroner wrote to the Council regarding possible road improvements. In response they sent me a picture of the road location where he died to support their response - not what I was expecting to be honest. I worked for a Council for several years - if you have the energy try referring them to the Local Government Ombudsman, sometimes that makes them rethink.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Reading all the Messages its doesnāt get easy does it I cry tonight loneliness more than anything everybody getting on with there lives Christmas round the corner, what can you do I realised some months ago that my heart would never heal Michael died in December 2020 I just plod on really breath, eat, sleep, nothing more, l donāt go out, whatās the point, and anyway where to, maybe at 65 my life kind of thatās itā¦.
Dear les2
Yes that is my life now. I got upset the other day because my son was going on about my weight loss. I just wanted to scream and remind him that my heart has been ripped out, torn to pieces and that the only cure is the impossible. I too know that it will take me a lifetime to get over my husbandās loss.
Had our little (eldest) grandson last night and after he went to sleep I sat in the room quietly weeping looking at him and remembering how proud my husband was to be a granda.
Awwww sending you love and strength hunny my hubby alan had a heart attack in the shower the 11th july and so raw and painful too and so always here for anybody
I was driving the other day with my daughter Abigail and her children and a little friend in the back of the car. Anna my granddaughter poked me with something and Abi told her not to as we might crash and die. Anna said good, and her friend said āBut you wouldnāt see your mumā and Anna replied that she would be with her grandad. She is only 6. Thing is they moved in with us when she was 13 months old so she saw Steve everyday. Sometimes she says that nobody loved her like he did.