Dear @StarB
I relate so much to your post.
It’s like living in two parallel worlds , one that I ‘function’ in , going to work , doing necessary daily tasks etc but it often feels like I’m watching myself in that world, and that’s it’s not really me…
And the other world, my bubble, that I created for myself - only me , my husband and our two dogs in it. It’s save in there, no-one else can enter, and I can believe he’s still here with me and it’s not true!
Grief is so complicated, and never ending and exhausting, so exhausting!
2 years, and almost 7 months for me - lost my husband August 24th, 2022.
I can’t really comprehend how I’ve ‘lived’ all that time without him.
Although ‘existed’ is probably more accurate.
Cathphil 2yrs 4 months for me its awful today im having a bad day cried most of afternoon saying i carnt do this anymore ! Without my husband ,then i think of my kids and grandkids also my 12yr old dog my mum and dad i care for my mum shes got dementia , same as you im just plodding along doing what needs to be done , i had 10 grief counselling sessions could have gone upto 16 sessions but i carnt stand to hear his patronising voice telling me to open up and share my grief with family and friends im sick of telling him im not crying etc to my family they getting on with it ,i want them to be happy as for friends they really think i should be over death of my husband i feel like i carnt function without him ,
The last few words of your message ring so true.I feel the same as you, that I cant function since losing my darling wife over 4 years ago. We were like a well oiled machine and worked perfectly together, but without her seems like my whole world has fallen apart. I just exist now, doing just enough to get by, cant get myself motivated to do anything now and days are so long and lonely
I understand the lack of motivation. I was married for 48 years, 3 months and 19 days. He died 18 months ago but I find myself plodding through my days but getting nothing done. Next month will be our golden wedding anniversary and we had such lovely plans for that which now will never happen. What has happened over the last 18 months has been the revelation of who I thought I could rely on but the let down as they have left me to get on with it alone. I have two wonderful children and grandsons plus my dog who have been my reason to wake up each day. My life is boring now but better for cutting out those so called friends who came to the funeral offering help, but never to be heard of again. Has anyone else experienced this betrayal or am I just very sensitive?
I’m almost in the same situation as you. Lost my wife almost 2 years ago to dementia, although it was way before that when she didn’t recognise or remember me.
I plod through each day wondering what to do with myself. Together we would’ve gone somewhere and just enjoyed the day. Now it seems sometimes pointless. I’m encouraged to “do stuff”, and I know that healthier than just moping around, but I lack motivation.
My only comfort ( if there’s such a thing) is knowing she’s released from the torment and deteriorating condition of dementia. Stuck in a chair all day - that’s not what she would’ve wanted for her remaining life. Being spoon fed and incontinence. Bloody grim.
TinaTina
So sorry about the loss and more sorry to hear your friends think you should be over the death of your husband. You will never get over it, you will just move through it…that’s all you can do. Anyone who thinks or says you will get over it really have no idea what they are talking about. But people don’t know what to say most of the time. I’m moving through my grief day by day. Some days I don’t want to get up but i make myself put one foot in front of the other and move. Most times/days/moments I feel like I can’t live without him and other times I feel I’ll be okay and then when I think I’ll be okay the wave of panic returns. It’s so hard and it’s such a massive loss to you, your life has been turned upside down!!! I feel like people think I’m fine because i can go out and socialise but I feel this is when I’m not in reality. If people/friends ask how I am I tell them, I’m devastated, I cry every day and I lose breath several times a day when the reality hits again, but I’m surviving…I’m only 7 months and I don’t think I’ll be over it after two years or ten years. Sending you strength and hugs, knowing other people are going through the same thing maybe of some help
I think we can all take reassurance from each other from knowing that sadly most of us feel exactly the same, so its not “just me”. We all seem to have such similar issues and find difficulty in the same things. I had my own business for over 25 years and in all that time I dont think I went to the doctors more than a couple of times, now its like having a season ticket, I’m back n forth all the time and most of the problems stem from losing Val and being so alone. Luckily. I retired at 53 which gave us time to enjoy ourselves and travelled extensively, just wish there could have been more. We were together for 50 years ( married for 47) and I just wish we had met earlier, then I could have loved her for longer. Take care everyone, keep your chin up
I am 17months in and I feel exactly the same life is so completely different I will never be the same person again life is so miserable and meaning
Take care just Keep plodding on
I am 17 months since losing my husband. I plan activities for most days but just filling time., No one seems to really understand what it is like unless they have been through it. I also seem to have lost some old friends in this awful journey, though luckily have made some new ones. Take care xxx
Nala i’m the same try to see people everyday the thought of days completely alone really scare me. Trouble is even with a room full of people I still feel lonely, my son is for ever saying how lucky i am seeing so many people he just doesn’t get it , that the only person i want to see is his dad,my husband ,he’s been gone nearly six months and it gets harder and harder to carry on
It’s nearly 2 years since my sudden loss of my soulmate . I try to live my life but it’s a struggle. My son is so low he hardly communicates with me which is difficult.
Nope I am the same. I was 2 days short of our 49th wedding anniversary when my husband died suddenly in August 2024. So this was to have been our celebration year too. I am heartbroken a young 70 with all my future years of growing old together and travel opportunities gone . I have an amazing family 3 children and 9 grandchildren but the void is terrible. I agree some of what i thought were close dear friends have been a complete let down but other newer ones have been good.
Because im not concentrating or doing things on my own whereas before it would have been the two of us Ive fallen over twice in the last three weeks and thats knocked my confidence. I like others here feel im existing not living and I dont want to be like this for what might be a long time. I dont know what to do. I feel totally adrift x
Definitely all the hugs and people saying we ere for you then after funeral never heard from them again even one of my so called best friends took steps back , she recently told me its been just over 2 yrs now that i need to draw a line under it on move on that its me thats stopping myself which broke my heart because ive been a good friend to her for 30 years ,looked after her kids took her mum to appointments even done decorating in her house etc , i needed her the most she wasnt interested so ive took a massive step back , i go to spiritual church on a sunday met a few lovely ladies in same position who husband’s died we truly understand
Tinatina what a horrible thing to say how can anyone draw a line under such tragedy, the best part of your life with your soul mate gone it’s only been six months for me but I don’t think i will ever be over it, i hope the Church helps you x
It’s almost 9 months since my Bill died. The tears come every day.
His headstone has just been put in place (yesterday) so went this morning to see it and take some flowers.
This is going to sound really silly, 'cos I know he’s gone, but looking at the stone just feels like total closure, like I’ve got nothing left. I came home and cried like a baby. I’m just in bits
Bill had two children from his first marriage and they have been supportive but they have their own families. I’ve no-one of my own and feel really alone. My neighbours are good but I just want my Bill and know I can’t have him. Every day I get up and think it’s a day closer to being with him - that’s all I want.
Sorry to be such a misery but at the moment I just can’t shake myself out of it.
Sending much love and hugs to you all
It doesn’t sound silly at all Harriet4Bill. I’m so sorry for your loss and it’s totally understandable you feel they way you do. And you’re not a misery, I cry like a baby every day and I want my John back so desperately. You cry like this because of your love for your Bill, it’s all the love you have for him coming out, it’s heartbreaking to lose your person. He is there and will be there when you go. Sometimes people tell me we were robbed of our future together, and I ‘get it’ of course, but depending on my mood it can make me angry as I don’t want the pity for me and John, I was so lucky I had 11 great with years with him. We are all going the same way at our time, I know this doesn’t make it any easier but sometimes I have to think this way when I’m feeling lost, scared and alone, which is most of the time, I have to think I’ll see him again one day, he’ll be there waiting for me. These thoughts drag me out of the despair and make me move. He just got off the train earlier than me and the rest of us. Your feelings are all love for your Bill. Much love and hugs back to you!!
Theirs is no need to say sorry. Why wouldn’t you miss him the way you do?
I visit Bridget’s grave and cry every time because she’s not here. Her body is there but she can’t come and give me a hug and say it’s going to alright. I know, it’s unrealistic, but that’s how I feel.
She was in hospital at the end and put me to shame by smiling wonderfully as I took her picture. Me, so torn up with grief, and her bravely being as happy as she could be within her dementia. They say it’s often worse for the partner. I look at that picture now in the quiet of my living room and I’m humbled by her attitude to it all.
It’s so difficult to accept they’re gone. An energy in the world has gone. I don’t like or want to “get used” to being without her but what’s the alternative.?
Anyone who thinks or says you will get over it really have no idea what they are talking about. But people don’t know what to say most of the time. I’m moving through my grief day by day. Some days I don’t want to get up but i make myself put one foot in front of the other and move. Most times/days/moments I feel like I can’t live without him and other times I feel I’ll be okay and then when I think I’ll be okay the wave of panic returns. It’s so hard and it’s such a massive loss to you, your life has been turned upside down!!! I feel like people think I’m fine because i can go out and socialise but I feel this is when I’m not in reality. If people/friends ask how I am I tell them, I’m devastated, I cry every day and I lose breath several times a day when the reality hits again, but I’m surviving…I’m only 7 months and I don’t think I’ll be over it after two years or ten years. Sending you strength and hugs, knowing other people are going through the same thing maybe of some help 
