Mixed feelings about scattering ashes

Having lost my mum very suddenly on the 14th june, we are scattering her ashes tomorrow in the crematorium where my dads funeral was held 21 years ago and where both her parents are buried. It feels the right thing to do as her ashes are currently in her wardrobe in my house and we will also scatter my dads ashes. Mum hadnt known what to do with dads ashes and held onto them all these years.
Even though I am happy to scatter them both tomorrow I am so nervous and feel that I will be leaving her ‘behind’ tomorrow.
It all feels so final and even though dads have been here for 21 years and I never even look at them, I am so scared that both will be ‘gone’ tomorrow.
Has anyone else felt like this?

Look at it another way you are reuniting your parents in a place that you can visit anytime you want. Your Mum held onto your Dads for so long because she didn’t know where to put him because she wanted to be with him, a wish that you are about to give them. Your parents are in your heart, nothing will change that.
I have my hubbys ashes in my bedroom in a cap and googley eyes, I need him near for me but I will ensure that I will find the right place for him for now he’s with me. X

Hi silverlady

You are right. Every few years we would bring up the subject of dads ashes but we always said we didnt know what to do and let’s talk about it next year.
When mum died suddenly and I collected her ashes it occurred to me that perhaps we were subconsciously waiting to scatter them together, even though this had never even been discussed.
I am happy that we are going to do this and think its for the best, I’m just dreading leaving them both behind.
Its comforting having mum in the wardrobe and it feels like she is still here in a way. When they are gone tomorrow it just feels so final. I could put this off for another few years but I don’t want to due myself and leave my daughter having to deal with 3 sets of ashes.
Hopefully I will feel pleased tomorrow night x

It’s the finality of it all isn’t it. But you are reuniting them. It’s just such a difficult thing to do. You are letting go of them. But they are going together. I have mum on my cabinet with her photo and a nice candle. I can’t scatter her ashes anywhere as I don’t want her to be alone. But dad has his own ashes of her and taking her to her favourite place in the Isle of Wight. Can you not keep some ashes back to keep close by for you. I’m going to buy a remembrance tree and plant it in my garden and put her under the tree in a casket. Dad has said when he dies then to scatter both their ashes together in a waterfall they loved.

Hi jooles,

I dont like the idea of splitting the ashes and I’ve told my daughter to scatter me in the same place when I die so I can be reunited with them. I feel like she wouldn’t be fully with dad. Its stupid how our minds work when dealing with this.
If only we had these conversations when we were all alive and well.
Theres that ‘if only’ again…

Hi you will, it’s difficult but it’s the best thing to do. My granddaughter focuses on his ashes too much so I put him in a cupboard when shes here. I think you were putting it off the very fact that you have made all the arrangements show it’s what you want, its nerves wobbles. I’m sure tears will be shed then we will be having a different conversation. You are only letting go of the physical responsibility the emotional aspects of your parents lives is in your heart. I will wish you well tomorrow and I hope you give both yourself and your lovely parents the send off they deserves together x

Thank you silverlady.i wasnt this nervous for the funeral.
I’m sure I will be relieved this time tomorrow x

Hi C1971 my wife Jane passed away last November and I had her ashes buried in her home village some 20 odd miles from home,I take flowers every 8-10 days the strange part about it is I feel her presence more at home here than I do in the churchyard,I had them placed there because I am on my own no family or real relatives so everything left to charities I would not want to think anyone had thrown them in a bin I would like mine to be placed next to hers when it is my turn,until then I believe she is still at home here with me and our little dog.
Yes I do believe no matter what anyone may say and hope we will be together be it the churchyard or wherever when it is my turn.
. MM69

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Thankyou mm69,

It’s nice that you took your wife back to her home village. My mum and I moved to kent 13 years ago from south london and mum never thought of Kent as her home. She always talked about london and her upbringing. Taking her back tomorrow to the cemetery near where she grew up and raised her children feels right. To scatter her and dad together near to where they met, dated, married and brought up their children feels right too.
I’m just scared to remove the ashes from this house yet hopefully it wont any difference in terms of feeling her prescience here, just like you still feel your wife.
I’m feeling better and hopefully a weight will have been lifted tomorrow night.
Mum wants to return to south london, I know it.
Cheryl x

I always wanted mine buried with my grandad if I died before my hubby but he died first (obviously) so I am at a loss because he always wanted to be buried but changed his mind when he got his diagnosis. I don’t know where to put him, his Mum is very elderly my thinking is that I will wait and bury him with his Mum, she gave him life he can lay in her arms whilst he waits for me. X

Ps I hope that is a long time away !!!

It is a hard decision and that why my dad sat in the loft for the last 20 years.
Now mum has gone its another brainer, it’s just the parting with them is becoming harder as the day progresses x

Hope tomorrow goes as well as it can for you xx

There are lots of nice jewellery keep sakes that you can make out of ashes ( I even know someone who had ashes tattooed on them?!) when I scattered my mums I asked the funeral director to keep a small pot behind and when I can afford it - I am going to get it made into a necklace so she’s always nearby but I know some people are funny about this and it’s not for them.

Just remember You are only scattering the ashes, your memories will always be in your heart.

Thankyou tasha

Its a lovely idea but not for me. I agree about the memories I’ve just got to get through the day.
I hope you can afford the necklace soon and are able to keep your mum close soon x

Tasha you can do it yourself you can buy a bezel and resin, email me I can give you some ideas cheaper.

Hopefully it will be a weight lifted of your shoulders tomorrow and you may even get some comfort out of it…let us know how you get on xx

Ohhhh I’m not sure about doing it myself, I’m ever so clumsy lol I would be worried about dropping them everywhere

Hi all,

Just back from scattering the ashes and I can honestly say that the anticipation of it was far worse than actually doing it.
We chose a lovely spot in the gardens closest to her parents grave on the other side of the fence and we each laid a flower on them.
Although I will continue to struggle with mums sudden passing it feels so right that she is back in south london with my dad and her parents.
Its such a clinical business watching the ashes being scattered and you just think,is that it? Our lives and everything we achieve reduced to a pot of grey ash. As we left it started raining and the ashes were already disappearing into the grass.
Anyway, all done and a weight lifted off my shoulders x

We decided that our ashes will be buried in Scotland with my parents. I have my husband’s here and they will remain until it’s my time to join him. It will be a real task for my family, there will be two funeral services, one here in England and then one in Scotland as the oak caskets are taken up. All incorporated in our funeral plans and feels so right x

It’s nice when you have plans made. For us nothing had been discussed with my mum so its all been guesswork.

If you had told me that I would keep my husband’s ashes rather than scatter them I would not have believed you. I thought I would have scattered them in one of his favourite places. Instead they are in a beautiful box in a drawer by the side of my bed as I cannot bear to let him go. It is my secret - the children have not asked - so he will stay there for a while - along with his jumper, his jeans and some locks of his hair. I think I want to keep him with me forever and am thinking of having some of the ashes made into a diamond ring - and the children are OK with that as long as it is tasteful. Strangely - it makes me feel close to him. And I tell him - bet you did not think you would end up there - and that makes me smile - as I know he would too. xx

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