You are so right. That aspect is so hard to explain. I don’t think it’s denial but your brain or certainly some part of it is hard wired to live with your loved ones and especially your mum. I don’t think rewiring it is possible and it’s probably responsible for the thoughts of disbelief. Logically we know what has happened but it makes no sense for some reason. I often look at things like her bedside drawers, a lamp, her alarm clock, her rucksack etc (all which are in my house now) and all I can see is her using them. Why have I got them? How can she be gone?
I had a good imagination before but now it’s in overdrive. It’s a bit like in a film when the they show a scene as it was before and then it fades to now. I seemingly have loads of those when I’m out and about. I get lost in the past and then I get dragged back to the present and she is not there in front of me, just an empty space.
One of the Christmas decs I had to get out early on came from mum’s loft. She hadn’t used it for a couple of years but it is one of those lovely fibre optic villages that changes colours. We got it I reckon around 20 years ago when I lived with her and we always had it out at Christmas. I just couldn’t leave this one thing in a box stuffed out of sight. I think of her when I look at it. I will always use it year after year.
Sounds very similar to my mum justine.
They sound like they dislodged a piece of plaque which was blocking an artery. It then travelled to the brain and caused a stroke.
My mum only had a local anaesthetic too and chatted throughout surgery. After surgery she told the surgeon her left side felt funny, she then fell asleep and never woke again.
It’s truly awful but mums post mortem said that mums bleed was not related to the operation. They say it was a coincidental, spontaneous bleed which would have happened.
I find this very difficult to believe although I do accept that without the operation, life would have been awful, just waiting for mum to suffer a stroke.
Did your mum have a PM?
Have they attributed any blame to the surgery?
So sorry to hear about your mum.
I lost mine 7 weeks ago today, on my 45th birthday, same as the others a massive shock even though she was in intensive care. I’m glad I came onto this forum as I feel I’m going crazy most days, I’m back at work but breakdown often, little things like Christmas songs on radio driving to work set me off, it seems to be getting harder and I’m angry at seeing others enjoying doing everyday things with their mum and mines gone (not that I want others parents to die) it just seems so unfair. It does seem that most people feel the same and helps to know I’m not alone in feeling the ways i do.
Michelle x
Hi michelle
Everything you are feeling, myself, daffy, joules, shaun, justine and many others on this forum are feeling exactly the same. My mum died suddenly nearly 6 months ago and I spend all day long just thinking of the past, wondering why this had to happen, and thinking if only she mad it through her operation, if only she lived another couple of years, if only anything except what happened.
It’s just a living nightmare and you are not alone.
Cheryl x
It does feel like your going crazy, I feel like I’m talking about someone else and my mom is ok at home, I go to my mom and dads everyday to see my dad and expect to see her sitting in the chair but I’m so detached from it all I feel nothing or just angry and tired, I don’t know what’s worse feeling or not feeling, Christmas I’m dreading I’d rather not do it to be honest but you have to for the children, I’d rather run away and forget about it or sleep straight the way through, I’m so glad I found this sight because as you all know this is such a lonely place and you feel like the only person in the world going through this, I have a brother and sisters but we don’t talk about mom, I think it’s because we can see the pain in each other’s faces and we don’t want to hurt each other, thinking of you all at this shitty time of year xxxx
Thank you Cheryl.
It’s not nice to read everyone’s stories but it makes sense and helps to know that your not alone in these feelings.
At work they’re arranging secret santa and we’re trying to sort a Xmas meal out. I said no to both, they understand and have been lovely since I’ve been back but now I feel guilty for them it’s just I’m not in the mood for Xmas, will be with my family on the day trying our best to make the most of it
Tracy completely agree I wanna sleep through it but my mum, stepdad, brother and my son’s were originally coming for dinner to us, we will still do it but won’t be the same without mum and it was her birthday on Boxing Day. Others tell me to get on and enjoy, mum wouldn’t want us not to but I hate it when people say that I know they mean well but I can’t switch my feelings off cos mum wouldn’t want me to be unhappy that just isn’t happening x
Yeah some stories I read here are horrible to read. I feel the pain and it makes me sad to think others are suffering so much. I can’t help make people happy again but at least we can all share our pain and support each other.
My work office is going out tonight for a Christmas party. I’m not as I’m just not in the mood.
I am hosting a drinks party this Saturday coming, mostly organised by my wife. Some local friends will be dropping in for some mulled wine etc. They are all good friends but to be honest, I’ll be glad when it’s over. I feel like scrooge this year but my daughter WILL have a good time. I’m not spoiling it for her.
There is a slight comfort if that is the word, that many of us were taken by surprise by our loved ones sudden death.
Just a feeling that we are not alone in our shock and upset.
Shaun
I really think they wouldn’t have saved your mum if they got her to hospital. My mum was in hospital, they had just give her an ECG,monitored her through a procedure and had a team of specialists by her side.
Daffys mum was in hospital and had her heart attack feet away from trained specialists, yet they still couldnt save her.
My mums post mortem showed that she had advanced heart disease and a historic heart attack of which she knew nothing. I asked the doctor if mum had gone to the doctor with symptoms and they found these issues could they have done something and she said that mum probably wouldn’t have been strong enough to deal with stents, of valve replacement.
If your mum reached hospital I think this may have been the case. Chances are our mums would just have found out how ill they were and that they were dying
Cheryl x
I would love to forget it but with 4 children and 3 f children have no chance, I hate it when people say yeah but your mom wouldn’t want you like this, well I know that but it won’t stop it, last year there were 30 of us at my house for dinner ( normal size 4 bed semi) 3 sittings and that was for my mom so we could all be together, I do feel lucky in a way that we could do that, for the ones who it was sudden I can’t imagine that, we had time ( not that it stops the confusion and pain ) but hopefully in years to come I’ll look back at the photos and smile xx
Tracy,
That old classic, your mum wouldn’t want you to be upset, life is for the living blah blah
My mum wouldn’t want to have died, my mum would want to be with us.
I know people think they are helping but they really dont x
They don’t do they and expect you to go back to normal, someone said to me a couple of days after you ok you don’t look very happy, I walked away xx
Cheryl,
I think you must be right. If you are wrong, it doesn’t bear thinking about and those thoughts will not do me any good. I’ve grappled with these thoughts for weeks. I have to face facts, things wear out, things go wrong, bodies become diseased and organs fail, we lose our loved ones and life is shit. I hate that I’ve loved my mum, I hate that you’ve lost your mums.
As you suggest, hospitals, doctors etc, cannot perform miracles and they cannot save everyone as evidenced by many of our comments on here.
I have a feeling mum must have has some advanced heart issues that obviously didn’t manifest until towards the end, sad to think she’d be walking around with a ticking bomb. Could be any of us. I don’t want to dwell on it or what the future holds.
It’s crazy that on my mum’s death certificate it shows the place of death as our annual holiday cottage where we will be returning next year. I never would ever have dreamed she would end there!
Shaun x
I think you have to walk away otherwise you would have an argument.
People are so insensitive x
It’s awful but you have just reminded me of the words doctor said. She said we arent miracle workers and we cant perform magic. She also described my mum as being a high functioning timebomb.
My guess is that your mum was the same. I think my mums entire vascular system must have been in an awful state and the bleed on her brain was probably going to happen the next day or the day after. In fact if she had come home from the operation its likely she would have had her brain hemorrhage just sitting at home during the next few days in front of my daughter and I.
It doesnt bear thinking about.
Oh Cheryl
I just keep thinking that “had I only known” that morning would have been our last
I guess in that respect I am lucky as for 2 days afterwards she could at times hear us. But I would readily give up those days if I could take away hear fear that I witnessed xx
And I’m grateful Justine that my mum knew nothing about it. As devastated as I am that she has gone I know that she simply fell asleep. She may have been a bit concerned that her left side felt funny but I dont think she would have known it was serious.
I’m sorry you had to watch your mum for 6 days before she died x