Hi,
This is my first post. My partner of 30 years died last November after a long struggle with cancer. I am finding the mornings really difficult. I wake up and feel panicky and fearful and often that feeling stays with me all morning, sometimes all day. Anybody else out there suffering in this way, or perhaps someone has been through this stage and come out the other side feeling better?
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Hi Susy. I’m sorry that events have lead you here. I wake up and wham. I’m in floods of tears for quite a while especially when I look at her side of bed. I’m 49 and she 53 we were married for nearly 23 years. She passed suddenly on 28 may after our doctors misdiagnosed her. We could not have children do all alone. I totally understand how you feel.
Me and many others on here constantly feel devistated . Nights and mornings are the worst. Those further down the journey say it does get easier. I can only take their word for it
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hi Susy
im very sorry you’ve had to seek out ways to cope with the loss of your partner.
all the emotions and turmoil you are facing is the price we pay for being with the loves of our lives.me im taking each day at a time and im hurting as much now as when I lost my soulmate.you will find the inner strength from within to carry on living.
But the pain will be something you will always live with,but you will manage some how to live with it.if you’ve time please read a few posts in the lost a partner section,some wonderful members have at times mentioned things they do to distract their minds.whether thats working, gardening ,going for a walk,some have pets or get pets to give them a reason to get up and take some exercise.every body is different no one can make this easier,its a fact that no 2 people walk the same path,we some how find a way,im here thats proof that being devastated and in emotional turmoil most days, ive some how, found my own coping mechanism.sorry I go round and round repeating things here and there but im writing from the heart ive not mapped out my words ive just tried give you the info I know and hope you will look after your self and be very patient and kind to your self.please dont hold in your tears let them run free for these are ways we release some if only a bit of the stresses that are building up as we try to cope with this terrible thing called grief.
your not alone we are here as and when you need to talk or seek a little comfort.
regards ian
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Hi Susy
I am so sorry to hear about your partner.
I agree that mornings are unbearable, my husband died unexpectedly and suddenly at the end of March and I also find that I feel terribly anxious and panicky every morning.
The only things I can suggest which help me are being busy.
On the days I have thought I would give myself some down time from work I have found that the anxiety stays all day, working/gardening/walking the dogs are things which I find really help because they distract the mind from overthinking.
Also however little I feel like working if I force myself then achieving something helps a little too.
I am so hoping that it does get easier!
Take care x
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Hi Sarah. Sorry that you find yourself here. We try to support others while getting support ourselves. Quite often I find that your trying to support someone when your emotions kick in you then pour your heart out. Just go with it. Have any questions just put them on here or create a new conversation. Jay
Hi
So sorry to read your tragic story. I am sure talking to people with a similar experience will help. I am new here having finally having admitted to myself that I need help after losing my husband at the end of march. We had been together 6 years and married for 2 years.
You are so right that mornings and evenings are the hardest and there are so many things which remind us of our loved ones everywhere we go and in everything we do.
People do say it gets easier and I so hope they are right.
It doesn’t help that we have been distancing either, I find now that I am becoming a little reclusive and the thought of going out makes me anxious. I guess we all have a rollercoaster of emotions in front of us but having a support network such as this must help.
Take care
Thank you Jay
I have only just signed up and still getting used to how this site works, I have a very bad habit in the evenings of playing a certain song and looking through all the photos of David and ending up in a complete mess, do you ever do that?
It is almost an addiction in a way but I do it knowing it is going to hurt!
Grief really comes in waves doesn’t it.
Thank you !!
Grief makes you do things you would not normally or thought was strange. I have a pendant with some of her hair in it. All the time I’m in I have a large pink candle lit in front of a favourite picture taken from our 20 anniversary. I say goodnight and good morning every day. You do what you need to do. It will upset you but what doesn’t I’m constantly in tears. Totally messed up my eyes. Keep safe and be you not what others think you should be
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Hi to all you lovely people who have responded to my post, SarahJ01 JayandAllison and Jianye,
Thanks for your kind words. They are helping me to get through the day. Generally as you suggest, I keep myself busy, distract myself and have various projects, but sometimes it is such a struggle. But then, you have all been there and are experiencing this hard and lonely journey yourselves. Good to share - glad I have found fellow travellers. Keep well and safe.xxx
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Hi Susy
It is a terrifying, unexpected and lonely road we have found ourselves on, we will often feel lost and frightened, regularly feel utterly hopeless and out of control but having only come on here an hour ago I do feel that surrounding yourself with people on a similar journey must be a big help, just feeling less alone is a positive thing! We can all support one another and hopefully make this awful time just a tiny bit easier.
Sending big hugs. xxx
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Hi SarahJ01 Yes, it really helps knowing other people are on their own path. There’s no map but we can communicate with each other in this way and there are words of wisdom on this forum and people who are further on the path. who know the landscape. All potentially helpful and kind when we are feeling at our most vulnerable. Hugs to you.xxx
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Thank you!
Yes I have some locks of David’s hair and was planning to keep it in a pendant so I can wear it all the time! Now shops are opening I will be able to go and buy one! I spent so much time hugging his pillow just to the last faint traces of his scent and I don’t think I will ever be able to wash it! Strange things we find comfort in!
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Hi SarahJ01, that’s lovely that you will have your pendant. As for me, we scattered my husband’s ashes in his favourite bits of landscape a couple of weeks ago, together with the ashes of our dog. That felt utterly right and I can imagine them out there on the cliffs going for walks together. But a few of his ashes I have kept back to bury in the soil of a new Acer tree I have in a pot in my garden. That way I am keeping him close. I also have a beautiful photo of him before he was ill that I frequently talk to. I think we all have out special ways of keeping our loved ones close.xxx
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Suzy that is lovely!
Forever walking favourite walks with your dog!
I still have David’s ashes here until I feel the time is right and I have made a decision but like you I will have to keep some back. He still comes upstairs at night and downstairs in the morning! I am sure some people would find that strange but it feels wrong otherwise!
As you say we do what feels right and gives us comfort!
Planting a tree is a beautiful thing to do!
Just before David died we had a laurel hedge planted and also went to the garden centre where he picked out a couple of plants (he hated gardening but loved me making it beautiful) and the plants he chose have bern my obsession! Plus watering his laurel hedge! Must keep it alive at all costs!! Xxx
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Sarah nothing is strange when going through grief. I thought it was strange people kept ashes in there home. However, now going through this hell. Originally I was having her ashes scattered her favourite donkey scantuary that we had visited on her birthday in January. But now I’m about to receive them I don’t think I can let them go. So I’m having them in a flower display. Some take ashes to bed with them. I fully understand that too. I sleep holding her pillow. Do what helps you get through the day
Indeed nothing is strange when you lose your soul mate.
I admit that at night i sleep with my arms around my little dog for comfort but go to sleep with my hand on his casket, you just do what you can to feel close to them. I also still have the ashes from my last little dog, my fear is regretting letting them go unless I am sure. There is no right or wrong in this situation, the way I feel now I couldn’t let him go and I really don’t care if anyone thinks that is odd! He went way too soon so he can stay forever as far as I am concerned!
Just do what feels right for you ! I still sniff the last clothes he wore to get that last scent and memory! nothing is odd when you are going through this hell ! Just get through it however you can! x
I even put her hand cream on yesterday. But it’s fragrance free. But I have a fluffy top downstairs and her clothes are still on bed how she left them when going to hospital expecting to be back in a few days
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It is so awful! So hard when it is so utterly unexpected and you have the added insult and upset of the wrong diagnosis causing this great loss! I can’t imagine what that adds to your grief!
I really don’t know what to say to help with that because there is probably nothing which would help!
All you can do is find your own path, take help and comfort where you can find it and learn to cope.
The thing I find hardest is the fact they refused to do a post mortem so I will never really know what happened! Put on the death certificate as community acquired Pneumonia but was so sudden with no symptoms and seemed fine at the weekend and working on site on Monday, gone by 8am on Tuesday. I think we will all have questions and things we find make coping harder and I don’t know how we deal with that! Your situation must be so much worse and I can see that this would be so difficult to deal with! X
They cover themselves and we suffer. Besides the miss diagnosis is the fact what she had was the 4th most popular cancer in women. Easily diagnosed. Curable, if qdvanced life expectancy is 20 years. We got less than 3 days
I am so so sorry! I really don’t know how you cope with that! Just want you to know that I am always here if you need to talk!
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