Moving on

Is it wrong to start and have feelings for another man 4 months after the passing of my husband. Seems like such a long time ago for me but this man has now made me smile is this wrong x

I don’t think there is any absolute right or wrong. Just things/events/circumstances and we attach our own labels. My view, based on my experience, is, if it feels right do it.
I can think of time I’ve spent in the company of women where I have felt very comfortable and smiled, and then felt lifted. What can be bad about that.

Thankyou I loved my husband very much and feel very guilty for having these feelings but this person puts a smile back on my face and I know that he would want me to carry on and be happy . I think we are judged by others whether it be sooner or later and like you said if it brings me happiness then it can’t be a bad thing can it

When my husband found out he was dying he said to me we are able to love more than one person in our life time without one love taking anything away from the other. Before I lost my hubby I would have read your post and thought badly of you (sorry always honest) but now having experienced the same loss and loneliness I would say do what’s right for you, be mindful of others feelings but ultimately they are not walking in your shoes. Good luck in your future remember the lesson death has taught you/us …we are only here for a short time…live it to the fullest. X

Also silver lady I also was in a coma myself and very nearly didn’t make it so it like my mind is saying go out and don’t waste a single moment and be happy x

Crystalou
I think you know the path you want to take , you don’t need any validation from anyone except yourself, you cannot please everyone so don’t try. Please yourself I had a life changing experience years ago (health wise) and decided to be more proactive in doing what I wanted. It is better to spend life thinking ah well I tried instead of what ifs. Allow yourself to be happy you owe it to yourself and your late hubby he loved you and wouldn’t want you to be unhappy and unloved. Grab the chance if it’s right for you not other people’s opinions after all unless they have walked in your shoes they have no idea of how they would think and feel. Even if they have walked in your shoes that’s their grief and their journey no yours. Be happy x

I totally agree. The chance for happiness knocks on our door only once. If we don’t grab it then we could have a lifetime of regrets. As you say, no way can you please all of the people all the time, just some of the people some of the time.
Decisions like that have to be made in the light of circumstances and feelings and, above all, love.
If what you do or anyone does is done with genuine love then no harm can come from it. I too ask, what would my wife have wanted? Not me being miserable or unhappy that’s for sure.
Yes, the old ‘what if’. What if I had done this or that? Would I be better off or worse? Of course we will never know unless we do it.
Take care.

Two people who gave the same advice, most people won’t judge, especially the ones on this forum ( we all know wht you have been thru and how precious life and love is), people can say that they would react one way but that is said in the naivety of never lost a partner, when it happens al previous l thoughts may change.Good luck

Thankyou so hard isn’t the guilt for trying to move forward with life without them. Hope you are also doing OK life’s a bitch isn’t it

Hi
Yes life is a bitch with a capital B, im doing okay some days other days not so good but I have a strong nature, my hubby wouldnt expect anything less lol. Many things make grief harder because we are not only grieving our past but also our future or the one we had mapped out, I find myself laughing at something and want to tell him but then realise I can’t that hurts, i miss our physical relationship ( yes folks oldies get jiggy jiggy only in our early 50’ lol). I miss all the things we did and all the things that we were going to do but then I have come to the stage where I realise i can still do those things albeit by myself or with someone else and the guilt is slowly going because nothing and no one can take anything away from the love I shared with my hubby. This week was the first week that my first thought of the day wasn’t about my hubby, my second one was but i have a little dog now and she is very destracting and the days are not so grey. I hope these word resinate with you and others and you see that we may not move on but we can move forward and for now that is enough. You are not moving on from one man to another, you are simply taking the next step of your life just in a different direction. wow sermon over lol

And what a good sermon it was. Humans have physical as well as emotional needs,
When the need arises it’s difficult not to do something about.it. The life force survives even in the midst of grief.
There is big difference between moving on and moving forward.
‘Moving on’ implies forgetting and that we can never do, even if we find someone else to share life with
Moving forward means we take our grief with us, but make an effort to allow emotions and to look forward to better times.
I know! How can anyone look forward in that way? Many do. If the pattern of life changes then we may need to go along with that and not feel guilty.
Guilt can only come about if we regret something. Something we think we should have done but didn’t at the time. But who knows how we will react in all circumstances?
You are so right, nothing can or ever will change the way we feel about a lost one, but that does not, or should not, prevent us moving on.
Good luck to you, and thank you for the way you talked about this difficult subject.

Thank you Jonathan we as widows/widowers miss all aspects of our partners emotionally mentally and physically I think that people forget that. I will probably be hung drawn and quartered for saying this but what the hell. I have met people that 8 even 20 years later haven’t managed to move forward with their lives, I know 100% that my darling man would not want that life for me. It may be right for them but not for me. I loved and love my hubby with every fibre of my being but accept that now my life will take another road hopefully equally as happy and fulfilled either with a partner or by myself who knows. My hubby was a warm loving man who taught me to believe in myself and the power of human nature. Plus I have think that it is best not to grieve the loss for too long but rather celebrate and appreciate what we had besides he’s in every step that I take guiding me as he did in life only with less pushing lol

I love the 'hung drawn and quartered 'bit. I must confess that when I first came on here I felt I was walking on eggshells. It seemed whatever I said there was a difference of opinion. I made the mistake of making something personal which was unforgivable. But we learn and move on. Now I try to stick to the guidelines but still express an opinion. We can learn from each other. That’s what sites like this are about.
Of course he is still guiding and helping. So is my wife. I also feel that my wife would not to want me to grieve for too long… It is said that if we are in pain they are too. I don’t know how true that is, but if it is so…!
Of course I will hold my wife in my memory however long I live, but if the chance came to move forward I would look at it carefully. To deny any form of happiness in the future is, I feel, is to deny our humanity.
I look forward to being hung drawn and quartered. I’m sure it will happen. Thanks for the message.

Lol my inability to toe the line was reason I was married for 24years! My hubby loved a challenge. I would never tell anyone how to grieve one lesson I have learnt very quickly is that we can have to do it our own way no matter what people say or try to help, it will be at our own speed and everyone has to find there own way. The reason we hurt so much is because we loved and were loved very deeply by our other halves and I know that if the shoe was on the other foot my hubby would be as grateful as I am to have had such a wonderful life together but I also know that I loved him enough to want him to be happy and besides we would see each other in our dreams. Soppy crap but works for me. I am a very practical person as you can probably tell and truth I have found it very helpful and humbling to know that despite what I thought other people do understand my pain, thoughts etc

Thankyou you both for your kind and thoughtful comments I really appreciate it I do feel a little better now. As I was worried about what type of message I’d receive on here hopefully my family and friends will feel happy for me too xxx

Hi Crystalou bottom line sit them down explain but don’t justify what you want and why if they love you they will hopefully understand. It hasn’t happened to them it’s happened to you and ultimately it is your choice not theirs. Be mindful of their feelings don’t push the new man on them and rabbit on etc but gently let them know you are seeing/going out on dates etc,remember they will still be grieving albeit in a different way. They love you. Good luck x

Hi Crystalou bottom line sit them down explain but don’t justify what you want and why if they love you they will hopefully understand. It hasn’t happened to them it’s happened to you and ultimately it is your choice not theirs. Be mindful of their feelings don’t push the new man on them and rabbit on etc but gently let them know you are seeing/going out on dates etc,remember they will still be grieving albeit in a different way. They love you. Good luck x

Sorry I posted twice I gave a trigger happy finger!

Hi, I found myself in the same situation and now 7 moths later I am happy and in a good place. There are people who have judged me but until they have walked in 100 miles in my shoes! They have no idea and people who really care will be happy for you. Good luck and if it feels right then do what’s best for you, I know my husband wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad and put my life on hold. The day he died was a sudden accident and I choose the path of positivity through my dark times.

Crystalou I’m replying to this as a grieving daughter for the loss of her father i would be happy if my mum found love again, BUT, I’d be worried it wasn’t a grief reaction and just she’d be hurt again quickly it’s so complicated and until we walk in that person’s shoes we don’t know what we would do, i wish you all the love and happiness after the grief you’ve gone through

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