My post doesn’t seem to fit in any catagory so I thought I’d put it here.
I lost my Mum to covid.
She’d had dementia and was in a care home.
We were in lock down so I couldnt see her.
She didnt understand what was happening.
We’d not had the best relatioship but it felt like my whole world smashed.
I was supporting my Dad through his grief so felt I couldnt grieve properly.
We couldn’t have a proper funeral because of covid rules.
It was all hideous.
Just as I started to settle, my Dad then died suddenly and unexpectedly too.
I felt like it was my fault. Like I’d made.it happen.
I’d been so worried after losing my Mum that my Dad would pass too. He’d hinted at taking his life at times.
I felt like I’d manifested his death somehow.
I know thats not true but its how I felt.
One minute I was getting ready for my holiday, the next my brother was knocking at my door telling me Dad was dead.
All of a sudden I was clearing not just my mums things but my dads too.
I felt like the universe wanted to punish me.
We had to have an inquest for him so it was a very drawn out process.
I had to plan his funeral as he hadnt left instructions.
I felt the weight of trying to give him a good and honourable send off.
I have two brothers. One attempted suicide not long after my Dad died.
The other had a stroke at Christmas and is still in recovery.
My Aunt has now passed away too and all those feelings have come back.
I was with her when she died.
I didn’t want to be but there were no others close enough to get there in time.
It was horrible. I was sat holding my cousins hand, supporting her and trying to be strong whilst simultaneously breaking I side.
I just want a break.
To just have a few months peace.
WhereI don’t have to attend or organise another funeral
I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. It sounds as though things are very difficult at the moment and you want a break.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.
Take care - keep reaching out,
My god youve gone through the mill by the sound of things. Im going through my own personal hell at the moment and it grieves me that so many others are doing the same. It feels like the world is against you. Covid has so much to answer for. To not be able to be with your Mum must have torn you apart and then to lose Dad and Aunt and the affect it had on you and your family to deal with. You are obviously a strong person to have been able to hold it all together and make arrangements. Its when all the arranging is over and the emptinesd sets in. Can you get a break away anywhere? Even if only for a few days? Its so hard to be strong. I guess we can only try. Thinking of you.
I did have a break planned but it was 3 days after my Aunt died - coincidence- and was supposed to be for me to have a break from the other stuff. It wasnt quite the break I’d planned.
I have some leave booked in September so I think I’ll do something then.
It would be nice to have a break for me to enjoy and not one that involves trying to piece myself back together yet again.
I dont always feel very strong . I must be though.
Im still going on
I am so sorry for all your losses. I have had the same, I have lost seven close people to me over last 3 years, one being my mum last year.
As you say, you don’t seem to grieve for one person, before another person passes. I feel for you. Am the same.
But we have inner strength & live on to honour all those that have passed.
Try to look after yourself, even if it’s doing little things for yourself each day.
We are all here to support each other.