My brother is my mum’s blood son so not my blood brother but we ignore that fact and consider ourselves brother and sister. Yes, 33 years since I lost my dad this year so a huge gap between losing parents. My husbands parents died within two years of each other. Mum became my total inspiration as she was an amazingly strong lady - she was my hero.
I understand fully what you say about not being able to keep everything- it feels like a betrayal but in fact we cannot keep it all. I really struggled with the fact that things that meant a lot to Mum just got thrown away - she treasured everything she had as she did bit have much over the years.
I am glad you have a lock of your Mum’s hair - precious and I wish I had done the same now but did not think of it at the time. So pleased to hear you have a friend of your mums to talk to as well - I have had support from mum’s cousins which has been great and very comforting. They adored her.
And my son appears ok now so I can relax a bit !! Going to spend the weekend sorting out my ‘hairy’ dogs - bathing and trimming them - as hubby is at work tomorrow .
I hope you are a good weekend too and thank you for your wonderful support. The messages really do make me feel so much better.
Hi Lyn,
Hope the evening out has gone well. Good on you for going. It would be easy to stay in, I’m feeling the same I just want to stay in with the TV and my cat!
Well I did manage to get to work on time yesterday!!! Thank god for the Tesco alarm clock!! After three full days this week I’d had enough by the time I got home yesterday. Thankfully I was off today although ‘off’ was going to mums and helping sort it out. Everything is sorted but just some cupboards etc that need emptying that I’ve left until the end as not sure what to do with some stuff!
Took all of mums pictures and paintings/prints down today and it now just looks like a house rather than her home. Having boxed up get ornaments etc it just hit me ac I sat there that her ‘home’ has gone and this is just now a house. I’ll never forget that feeling. Everything that meant so much to her is either boxed up, binned it with me. I just feel sad about it.
Had a bit of a meltdown on way home yesterday as had been talking about the ashes with a colleague. I’m sorry you can’t be involved with your dads- so unfair to have something so important and not be able to be involved. Don’t need to apologise about anything we all have challenges we are facing and your next challenge is the return to work. Mine are these ashes!!! It’s just sent me back into fear. Horrible fear all over again. My friend is coming with me next week to collect them.
I’m sure you will have tears on Monday but tell me someone who doesn’t - I bet all or nearly all on this feed have. Just go with the flow I told my colleagues beforehand that I’ll likely burst into tears and they were ready!! This week has been much easier to cope with than last week so don’t worry if it feels too much or you feel flustered.
Well I’m working Monday then off the rest of the week but my challenge is Monday too - one month on from mums funeral. Still got some funeral flowers in my kitchen but they’re nearly gone now. I’m trying to dry a few so I can keep them. I think your idea of a bench in mem to your father is a lovely idea. Something nice and positive that will bring you pleasure especially in the summer I’m sure and for your dog!
So you also have another hurdle coming up I see with your dads birthday. Maybe try and see it as it still is his birthday just not physically in person. I think if we can get through Christmas and new year having lost our parent only days before that time - well I think you’ll cope better than you probably imagine. I’m sure you must have got a lot of what I did: ‘sorry to hear about your Mum and it’s awful to lose a parent at any time but at Christmas even more so’. I didn’t need reminding though! I don’t face that until June but I’ll have mother’s day in March. To be honest seeing birthday cards etc with Mum on haven’t effected me like I thought they would but I’d still have rather had my mum as my Mum for less than someone else’s Mum for longer! I’m finding the not being able to pick up the phone and chat to get very hard. I don’t want to delete her home or mobile number off of my phone contacts. Am I mad?!?!!
Found a few items today and thought…there’s a message here somewhere from her as that’s why I was finding things! Love her to bits still and always will.
Hope you have a better weekend. I seem to be a bit teary agsin. I cry every day mostly when I go to bed but tears in the daytime are worse .
Rest up before Monday. I’m back at mums tomo helping Dad move everything from mums to his as he’s going to store stuff for me until I can decide everything to do.
Hi Lucy
First things first. Nothing you are feeling is selfish. You were obviously devoted to your mum and there’s nothing selfish about that. It’s a lovely thing and you should be proud of yourself.
Everyone is different and everyone’s grief is different. But from my own experience “dealing with” the ashes hasn’t been as bad as I expected. Hopefully it will be the same for you. If it was me, I would want to bring my mum home one last time. If you don’t do this, do you think you might come to regret it later on?
My mum was nearly 93 when she died last February and I seemed to have spent my whole life worrying about her and how I would cope without her. The last couple of years as she grew more frail and I knew things weren’t going to get any better were especially hard. I have been on anti-depressants for over a year and they make me feel very detached. Now I worry because I don’t think I’m grieving enough and that’s just horrible because my mum was such a good person. In short, my head’s a mess! I think what you’re feeling just qualifies you to join the club.
I’ll be thinking of you and don’t forget - take a bit of pride in yourself for being such a great daughter.
Hugs and Kisses
Marigold
XXX
It took a lot of effort to get out, I nearly cancelled but didn’t want to let my friend down but once we got to the restaurant I was ok. It felt a bit strange as I have not been out for ages but glad I did it as just needed to feel some “normality” and step out of this grief comfort zone for a bit of a break. Everything feels so exhausting though doesn’t it?
It must have taken a lot of emotional strength to clear out your mum’s personal stuff and see her home turn into a house without her and all her possessions. Yet another final. Do they ever end? You have done it Lucy and your mum would be so proud of you.
The ashes are the final hurdle and it’s good that you have a friend going with you to support you through it and I can understand your fear as it takes you back to the start all over again. Our brains are not wired to deal with any of this or process it but somehow we do.
I too kept some flowers from the funeral as couldn’t bear leaving them all behind but they have almost faded now and yet another wave of loss hits all over again.
Dad’s birthday is 18th February not quite sure what I will do on that day. I have to book it off work but I will do something because we always celebrated birthday’s. My birthday is also in June like your mum. Mine is the 7th of June.
I know what you mean about phoning for a chat. I still text dad and have kept his mobile phone and tablet as they gave him a lot of pleasure and was a connection between us. So no you are not mad. The heartbreak is not receiving a reply.
I have a lot to do today and tomorrow ready for work on Monday as sadly I have neglected housework, etc. Keep your fingers crossed I get there on time!
Hope you get some peace and rest before you are back to work on Monday and at least you will get a break the rest of the week.
I don’t cry as much as I did, don’t know why, however, the sadness I feel is worse.
Thank you for making me welcome. I feel a bit of an imposter as my mum is still alive but I did lose my hero of a dad in May and my mum hasn’t got long left. She’s already out lived the 6 week prognosis we got 6 weeks after my dad died in May by 6 months…apparently im going through grief and anticipatory grief all at the same time. Great! Glad my counsellor could label it for me…
Anyway, it is so good to hear the small steps you are all making forward. Going back to work, having meals out, dealing with possessions and ashes, they are all important steps.
I’ve been a mess the last couple of days but think hormones are effecting me too. A nurse told me I was depressed. Really? Who knew! Im scared of taking sleeping tablets or anti depressants though. Am I being silly avoiding medical help?
My mum gave me a card today that she had written for when she dies but no longer wants it hanging around. It said how proud she is and my dad was of me but that you only get one life so live it. I think that is what you are all doing one baby step at a time. The last thing mum’s want is for us to be upset. Easier said than done I know.
You are definitely not an imposter so consider yourself told off!
We are all in this together collectively and here to help and support each other through the many different facets that grieving brings to us all individually.
I understand anticipatory grief. The 2 years leading up to dad’s passing were full of hospital appointments, admissions and something else going wrong with dad’s health. It’s stressful and I was full of fear because subconsciously I had started thinking about dad not being here, fussing over him all the time and just a general apprehension that never went away. Dreading a phone call and generally feeling sad and down.
When dad passed I went to my Dr to be signed off work and he said I was depressed (tell me something I didn’t already know I thought to myself) I was also feeling anxious so I did accept tablets for anxiety. I have not yet taken them 7 weeks later but it’s good to know they are there, it’s a little safety measure and this may work for you too? I couldn’t sleep for a while but I took a natural herbal sleeping tablet night time Kalms, again only took the odd one and did the trick.
They is no right or wrong way of coping with how we feel as that just adds to the pressure we are already under.
Try to spend quality time with your mum and make sure you look after yourself (easier said than done I know).
Tears are healing so just let them flow as and when you need to.
The card your mum gave you is a beautiful gesture but probably faces her with too much finality. Maybe you could write her one with similar sentiments?
I often think did I tell my dad enough how much I loved him and what he meant to me but then there are no words to express the love you have with a parent, it isn’t a word it’s a “feeling” and a connection like know other and a unspoken bond so they already knew and felt that so nothing is ever left unsaid
Thank you so much for your advice. The idea of having tablets as a back up sounds like a good idea. I probably wouldn’t take them as I am a great believer in crying (as everyone around me now sees!) But it would give me a safety net.
I also took your advice and wrote my mum a card telling her all the things I thank her for and gave it to her today with a scarf covered in robins and birds plus a guardian angel pin. She loved them but I can’t help thinking I will be wearing them soon as she was so very poorly today. Thanks to your advice though I now have in writing the fact I have told her I love her and always will.
Seeing my 5 year old try to help her is breaking my heart. Each night he says night night grandpa to the ceiling and soon it will be grandma and grandpa at the same time. He is missing so much not having them in his life longer but there is nothing I can do.
You are absolutely right about the feeling you and your dad had. You don’t need to say the words, it is simply a bond that can never be broken, even in death. He was lucky to have you as a daughter.
I hope the 18th Feb can be better than you expect as a celebration of your dad’s life. I think marking birthdays is so much nicer than marking the sad times. My dad’s birthday falls on fathers day this year so at least I get 2 difficult days over in one go. Last year I did not get the chance to mark it at all as it was only a few weeks after he died and I was with my mum in hospital. Could hardly have been worse.
Good luck to you and Lucy getting to work on time tomorrow! If you both manage to, I think we should have a virtual party to celebrate.
No one is an imposter here - the thread started when Lucy (I think it was) was in the same position as you are now. We have just kept it going.
Anticipatory grief … now I know the correct term for how I felt leading up to my Mum passing in August. That was when I first read posts on this forum as I was grieving but Mum was still alive.
I have avoided medical help but have thought about it often. I asked the Dr to refer me for grief counselling but I was turned down. They told me to refer to Cruse but waiting times are long I hear - pointless! This thread has helped me just to have someone to talk to with ‘no strings’ as family worry so much.
It is lovely that you gave your mum the card and gifts today - my mum’s birthday was in June and I bought her a watch. I often wear it and it does bring me comfort as she loves it and wore it up until the day before she passed away.
Take care - we are all thinking if you and sending hugs.
I have learnt the most precious thing on this earth is love and time. Our parents gave us this gift and by knowing we accept and treasure it means they have done their lifetimes work. I am so glad you wrote that card because you can treasure that for always and your mum has those words embedded in her heart ready for her next journey. Just be with her and hold her hand as she holds your heart…
Your 5 year old is expressing love, their innocence does not impose on them the intricacies of life and death and neither should it… I am sure he or she is a great comfort to your mum and so count that innocent love as a blessing.
Please don’t throw any virtual party until I have made it to Friday lol!
Thank you. I’m sure like most things in life the apprehension is worse than the actual reality.
Dad would be telling me to get on with it as I need to work to keep a roof over my head and just because he’s no longer here does not mean I don’t hear his advice because it’s imprinted in me and he will be walking in with me tomorrow in heart and soul so if not for me I will be doing it for him
Yes, the anticipation is usually far worse than the fact. You will be fine and your dad will be at your side.
Our parents were of strong stock - my mum was born in 1921 so I can just think about all she saw during her life and remember that she worked hard to get through adversity. She was widowed at 62 so lived over 30 years alone - she struggled to keep our hime but she did it and I am so proud of her. She was my hero.
Let us know how you get on tomorrow and try to get some sleep tonight.
Your mum will always be your hero and 30 years living alone is a testimony to her strength and character and to keep her home and family unit protected and intact shows her love for you and your brother.
They were a unique breed of stock back then Caroline and we certainly have a lot to live up to and I doubt in all sincerity we could ever do that and that too makes me feel so proud and humble too.
God bless them and they have earnt their peace and rest
Hi Allsorry for the late and brief reply but just wanted to wish you good luck tomorrow Lyn, if it seems daunting as you walk in just thinkbthat by this time tomo you’ll be through the most difficult part just walking in.
Sadly my weekend has not been good hence the late and brief message - just read all your messages and will reply properly tomo but my adorable boy (my cat) has been taken very poorly so I’m completely on my own for the first time in months. He’s had to go to a referral centre and they’re trying to find out what’s wrong with him. He’s already diabetic and is on two insulin injections a day but he started drooling last night and has been pretty poorly so they’ve kept him in. It’s a regular thing every 4-6 months but I’ve not seen him behave like this before. Just hoping he will be ok. Don’t think I can cope with much more especially one month to the day of mums funeral tomo. I sometimes wonder if I’ve been put on this planet to take constant grief as that’s just what my life feels like.
The anticipatory grief is awful Ann but loved the letter idea Lyn. Ann I also reviewed a letter from my Mum but found it after she’d died. It was so amazing but also heartbreaking to read but it does give me comfort but she said her tears were flowing as she wrote it. I can’t believe she did it. When I’m struggling I read that and think I must get through this with her guidance.
I was in exactly the same place as you when I came onto this sight - I posted on this group as I knew Mum only had days left and I just needed to share it with people who’d already gone through it so they could help me and that’s exactly what this group and others along the way have done so glad you’ve joined us. I have posted on some other topics but this group are great as we all log back on whereas the other groups aren’t quite as tight as this group.
Anyway hope the alarm goes off tomo Lyn! I’ll be at work, but thinking about my boy and one month on from the funeral - great - what a day!!!
