Good to see your contribution - we are getting lots of support on this forum which is a life saver for me.
It is so true what you say about trying to create a new ‘normal’ away from work. Work is the same as it was before I lost mum but life outside work is not. I had not really thought of it like this until you posted. Work is ok for me - it takes my mind off the other world.
My mum died on 11th August; her funeral was 24th August and I went on holiday (pre-booked) on 26th August for 2 weeks. I had to return to work the day after I got home as I am a teacher (Local Authority so not in a school) and I cannot take holiday during term time. I think I was just numb and went through the motions for the first few weeks but my colleagues were supportive which was great.
I am glad that you have felt a bit more rested. The exhaustion and fatigue really got me down and still does at times. You are so busy looking after them before and adrenaline keeps you going - then they are gone and you feel shattered in all ways.
Clearing out personal things is so hard. I brought quite a few of mum’s bits home with me and I just left them in the boxes and bags I transported them in. I could not face sorting through them but just after Chroistmas I steeled myself and did it!
Oddly it made me feel better, mostly. I shed a few tears as seeing and holding her personal things made me miss her all over again but I also feel thankful that she was my mum too.
Work is an odd one. I love my job but have only been doing it for just over a year - I have been a teacher for longer but I changed to a local authority job in 2016. I agree with you that so many things feel so trivial and unimportant now. I was particularly affected by this feeling around a month after mum passed away. I still feel it strongly and find petty stuff hard to stomach!
Death is a game-changer indeed. I lost my dad such a long time ago - 1985 when I was 21 - and I don’t think that had the same impact on me as I still had mum. This loss is much greater.
Your analogy of a washing machine on constant spin is so poignant - Just hits the description of internal chaos that we have all been subject to. Retreating into your own world is the same - I just want to shut myself away and not have to deal with anything else in life at all.
Grief and loss does change us but you will slowly get back on your feet and cope with the changes in a different way. It is that in-built human survival instinct that will win in the end - whether we fight it or not. Our parents taught us this - and they were the role models that developed us.
I am sorry that you are feeling worse again at the moment. Allow yourself to do whatever you need to do to get through. As you say there are stages to the grieving process and it is a rocky road too.
I have not read up on it - unlike me as I became a CKD Google expert when Mum was poorly - but I can see the stages as I look back. As I have said before I lost my Dad in 1985 so 33 years ago this year and I still think about him. So, the loss does not leave you and you will have days when it really gets to you but you will learn to cope and manage your grief.
Going back to work is a real challenge in out heads as it is moving away from the security of the ‘grief bubble’ back into a world where we used to be. That world has not really changed since we left it but we have changed. The way we see it has changed too … hard to explain but I think this is the same for us all. Work seems trivial - after all what is the point! However, we cannot allow ourselves to wallow and waste our lives either.
I wonder how many people change careers as a result of a loss like this. Maybe a fresh start is what we all need but in reality we will be ok where we are, eventually.
What a lovely bunch of people you all are and so supportive!. I would be lost without you all even though I am already lost!
The strangest thing is that the very people you think will be there for you when you need them the most are not, yet complete strangers give you the most support, compassion and comfort? In a strange way it feels like a gift my dad has given me, that I was meant to be a “new” me which means seeking new friends, more caring ones, a new outlook and a new path to follow.
The last 2 years being there for dad and all the hospital appointments, hospital admissions, worry, etc, were catching up on me and I hadn’t realised how much I had put my life on hold. Would I do it all again, 100% yes but my biggest fear of losing dad has now happened and having this new me and new me time does feel scary as I haven’t a clue what to do with myself? Anyone else feel this? Do you all have any interests or hobbies?
After dad passed, it snowed heavily and I remember looking out the window and smiling and it was because I could now look at the snow without worry and fear of dad, of him falling or attempting to go out in it and normally I would have cursed that snow! I can also go out somewhere or to bed without fear of a dreaded phone call. I see ambulances drive past that no longer affect me in the same way, where as before if an ambulance was nearby I would go cold and panic and immediately ring dad to make sure he was ok. I used to spend hours googling medical terms, medication, side effects, I am an expert on CKD and heart failure. I am sure we have all done as part of our roles as carers.
God I do waffle on!
All I really wanted to say to you all is thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for sharing, caring and being here
LynT, I couldn’t agree more. I have got more support from my few days on here than from some lifetime friends.
It helps that we can just be honest too. Nothing to hide as we can safely type away without fear of being boring, repeating ourselves or awquard and realise that we all, sadly, understand what we are going through.
I too feel that it is odd where support comes from - I am not one for online forums but I felt so alone in my loss that I had to do something. Little did I know how powerful the support would be!
I totally get what you mean about the snow! I used to check the weather forecasts for mum’s area and then phone to make sure she was warm. I would phone her nextdoor neighbour who looked out for her, and ask her to make sure mum did not go out in the icy weather.
The last year was so stressful trying to get the best care and support for mum. Living away was awful but I went over to see her as much as I could. After her kidney crisis in March I became a Google Doctor except on CKD and NHS Continuing Healthcare!!! I spent hours upon hour on the internet researching and writing notes then sending them to my brother so he could meet with consultants.
Our lives are different now but, in time, that does not have to mean they are worse … just different.
I have my dogs and showing them as a hobby but whilst mum was ill we did very little showing as I was always at mum’s. I have 10 dogs (oops!) which mum always said was silly! One of the dogs is named after her - Mum’s name was Irene so the dog is called Renee which is what family called mu mum. Renee is a cocker spaniel who loves life and is always happy - she reminds me of my mum when she was well. Mum used to call her the ‘dancing dog’ as she jumps up and bounces on her back legs!!
It is a time for reflection and possible change … but take your time and see where life takes you.
Nice to see more people joining in with the original three of us - the more the merrier!
Today was an odd one for me. I decided a while back that I wanted to get a Pandora-style glass charm made with some of mum’s ashes in to keep a bit of her forever close to me. I had not felt ready to sort this out until recently.
I chose scattering-ashes.co.uk and sent off for the kit needed to send them some of mum’s ashes - it arrived today. My brother had given me a small amount of mum’s ashes when I went up for his birthday. However, the thought of actually putting a teaspoon of the ashes into the plastic bag to send off slightly freaked me out!
Lucy - you were talking about the ashes earlier on? It is just weird to think that the ashes are anything to do with the person we once knew. Almost unreal I suppose - but I did it and have sent them off. I chose an amethyst coloured charm as mum always wore her purple hat, scarf and gloves in the latter months.
Do cremation ashes still contain the DNA of the person? I will have to Google that!
I had a bit of a relapse over the past few days - just missing mum so much with Spring approaching (a time of year she always looked forward to). Also, a friends brother passed away on Sunday - he had brain cancer - and he was only 4 days past his 35th birthday. So tragic and unfair - he has a 10 year old son and a 16 year old daughter. It made me cry even though I did not know him well as the loss is just so painful for his family and friends.
So, the rollercoaster ride continues. I think we are all doing fantastically well and should pat ourselves on the back! We are still here; we are still communicating with each other and we are able to smile.
Sadly the ashes do not contain any DNA but your idea is lovely and if it gives you comfort and you feel mum is closer then it is right for you. My neighbour lost his wife recently and he had her fingerprint mounted into a pendant. Remember Caroline the biggest and most important DNA of your mum is YOU.
Relapsing is normal and understandable, especially as it is still early days for you too, like your mum, dad loved spring where he could be out tending his garden. Loved his gardening and all the new growth that spring brings forward and hopefully that will be true to us too. (The new growth)
Sorry to hear about your friends brother, so tragic at only 35. God it makes us all so aware how precious life is and that we have to make every day count and that’s what our parents did and taught us to do.
We are learning each day to ride this roller coaster and together we will we get through it.
Thinking of you all and hoping each day is a day we get stronger but also that each day our love for our parents remains loyal, steadfast and unwavering
The DNA thing is an odd one as I am adopted so share no DNA with mum. However, that is irrelevant to me as I was loved as much as my brother by both of my parents.
I love my Pandora bracelet and necklace so it seemed apt to get a lovely charm with mum’s ashes in.
We are all learning as we go and coping in a way that would make our parents very proud. As time passes I have certainly got stronger and I don’t cry as much or as often.
I hope you managed to get up on time, eat your breakfast and get into work without a mad rush…this will definately be me! I did chuckle at you!. As a precaution I have asked my friend to ring me Monday morning as well as setting my alarm clock and also mobile alarm. I hate getting up late for work because it put’s me in a bad mood for the rest of the day!
I am apprehensive about walking into the office because I know if anyone says anything nice (which they all will), I know I will be in floods of tears, I have also found comfort in my own grief world here at home, where I can think about dad as much as I want and need to, so again, it feels like another loss, as work will take me further away from dad…
I still struggle to comprehend how my entire world can turn upside down and fall apart in just “7 weeks”… It also feels in other ways such a long, long, time ago. I am crying less and less but feeling sadder more and more.
It’s also dad’s birthday in a couple of weeks time so I have already gone through all but one of the “firsts”. How can that happen in that short time?
Lucy I have watched so much TV like you, as it is the only thing that switches my mind off. Thinking about work now feels totally alien to me! My body will go into shock I’m sure!
I’m sorry I was not much help with the ashes but as I haven’t got dad’s I guess I too wouldn’t know what to do? Marigold may have the best idea for you to keep them somewhere nice at your home until you are ready to do anything. I have no idea how long you have until you have to collect them?
Thanks to my mum and brother I will never have the answer to that but when the weather is nicer I am going to buy a bench and have it engraved and it will go in my garden underneath a tree and that will be a special memorial for just me, dad and Sammy.
I am going out for dinner this evening with a friend as I have not socialised with anyone outside my own home since dad passed.
Hi Marigold,
Thanks for your message. I’m not sure Mum wanted me to have them at home as she asked for a private commital so I assume she wanted to be laid to rest. She gave me 5 locations and one wax wherever I want! Cheers Mum!!! I’m finding it very difficult but primarily because it’s brought back this awful fear I had since I was told Mum had two years. It’s the thought of bringing her home but on the seat next to me. I just can’t get my head around it. I know I want a ring with some of her ashes in and I can accept that. I’m also wondering if I should take her to get home afterwards just so she goes back one last time. I think she knew when the ambulance cane that she wouldn’t be going home by the look on her face. So sad. My friend is coming with me now next week. It’s just final and another challenge to face and I just feel I don’t know if I can take this all again. Selfish I know but there’s been so much heartache and pain the last few years that I’m pained out. X
Hi Ann,
Good to see you on here too! It’s a really nice friendly group and is getting bigger (sadly) but also gladly for all of us on here.
Funny how you just don’t care anymore about where you cry and what anyone thinks! I feel similar! Never cried so much and never given a damn so much about my face getting all red and blotchy! Who cares! It is what it is! Hope you have an ok weekend - just let the tears out got to be better than keeping them bottled up. X
Another tough thing that we have to do for our loved ones - I feel for you.
I think all of us feel similar to you. We are actually suffering from trauma - the loss of our parent and the lead up is just so hard. If you look at how trauma affects people then you will see all of us.
None of this is ‘normal’ for any of us. This is just so traumatic that we cannot rationalise it - because it is not rational!
Firstly, you do not need to rush into collecting her ashes. You can ask the undertaker to keep them for you until you are ready. I am lucky as my brother collected mums ashes but it was hard for him. He did not know quite what to do with them - so he left them in the garage at mums house! I was horrified - why was ‘mum’ in the garage?!!! I asked him to place her ashes in her bedroom which he has.
Secondly, you are still in shock and the last few years have drained your reserves. Give yourself time to recover and never think that you are being selfish. You have been running on adrenaline for two years or more - coming down off that is painful too.
I feel your sadness and confusion but all I can say is that this is par for the course and part of your deep love for your Mum. We have yet to decide what we are going to do with my mums ashes but I have sent off some of them to have a Pandora style glass charm made - all a bit odd but part of the grieving process.
I am approaching 6 months after Mum passed and it is still so up and down. I had to send a document to my brother today to allow him to register mum’s house in his name. All agreed and sensible but I felt incredibly sad that this is mum’s house we are dealing with. I just wish she was still there and none of this had happened.
Lucy, do whatever is right for you. Your mum wants you to be happy and you need to remember that. We have lost them bodily but they are still here with us in spirit - please try not to be too sad.
Hi Caroline,
Thanks for the message. Yes the emotional exhaustion is immense. Been at mums house again today and feel shattered. I just feel I need to get it finished as I just don’t think I’ll face it in a few months but I’ve always been like that!
I’ve picked out everything that has emotional meaning and kept it but the rest of the stuff that has been taken to the tip makes me feel awful in so many ways- it’s like suddenly all these items that meant so much to Mum were just that. Her kettle was old and dirty so no point keeping it but she did and I feel some guilt for not keeping everything.
Never found her hairbrush so it must have been in the bag that Dad cleared from the hospital, can’t be helped and luckily I managed to get a lock of her hair before she died. Felt awful at the time but I did ask/tell her and I’m so so pleased I got it. In my keepsake box forever.
Sorry to hear you lost your dad so young. Can’t have been easy. You must have had a bit of a gap between parents if your Mum was in her 90’s. I saw your later message that you’re adopted so although dna isn’t the same - I don’t think that makes any difference - she was your Mum and that was that. Lovely that you’ve done the ashes into jewellery too, that’s still your Mum. Is your brother a blood brother? Nice if so and you were able to stay together and if not again he’s still your brother.
I’ve ordered my mums oldest friend a bouquet of blue roses to be delivered Monday as she’s been so amazing - it’s been like talking to another version of my Mum. I don’t think I’d have coped as well without her support. Not seen her myself for 30yrs as she now lives abroad.
Glad your son was feeling and looking more settled. Must be a bit of a relief for you. Hope you have a good weekend xx
Sorry to read the news of your friends brother. How sad for them all and you.
I totally get the ashes into jewellery, I’m going to do the same but into two rings. Some people will think it’s a bit odd I know but I don’t care as it’s what works for me and Mum knew I wanted to do it and was happy for me to do so. When I go to the funeral directors I can order everything through them so they will scoop the teaspoon of ashes out for me as I don’t think I want to face that at all. I’m going to get two (getting the extra one incase I ever lose one!) rings with royal blue colouring as that’s what Mum loved and her funeral had a blue theme.