Oh Lucy no…so sorry to hear about your boy that’s the last thing you need. I’m sure though he is in the best place to get him sorted and they will look after him. Try not to worry and keep positive. Animals sense how you feel so he may be a little stressed and it’s affected his diabetes.
Thanks for your support re work tomorrow. Not going to lie I feel really nervous and apprehensive but it’s only a couple of hours so sure I will survive.
Don’t mention the alarm Lucy as I think I will faint at the thought of it.
Tomorrow will be hard and will think of you. There really are no answers to all this grief and heartache we are all going through but knowing we have each other helping us through is a great comfort. Will let you all know how tomorrow goes and Lucy please let us know how your boy is
Off to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day
Sorry to hear that your boy is poorly and I hope he is much better soon. As you say this is not the best time to have to deal with this but you are strong so you will.
This group is really amazing - will always be here for you when you need us. Thank you for bringing us all together.
Take care and let us know how your boy is doing. As you know I have rather a menagerie here - 10 dogs and a cat - so I feel your worry.
Bless you all thank you so much, he’s doing well today thank goodness and hopefully I can pick him up tomo! They don’t know what the problem was but may have been a severe allergic reaction to something. His diabetes is perfect and bloods are normal and he’s brighter.
Anyway the reason I hopped on was to find out how you got on Lyn?
Hope you got on ok. Thought about you this morning. I’m telieved to be off now until Monday. However don’t think it’ll be that much of a rest! Weds I’m stating at home with my boy to chill out on the sofa! Then I’m sure I’ll end up at mums helping Dad with stuff.
Had an emotional ‘mail bomb’tonight - well that’s what I’m calling it! 1 was my mums card reg document which said it’s now Mine and that Mum was the ‘previous owner’ - just thought how sad to see it written. Then next I got a tax rebate - great! Then HMRC wanting mums pension money back as they paid her after she died. Amazing how quick they are when they want money yet it’s taken weeks to get tax money back. As you can see quite a few emotions in three items of post!!
So glad everyone’s on here and people are joining in it’s so lovely - thank you all as you’re all helping me so much by sharing your journeys. It makes me feel not alone, pleased with how we are all coping but it’s also good to share the lows with people who know exactly how I feel right now.
Hugs to you all and look forward to hearing how you got on Lyn?
Xx
I am sorry the post has been so emotional - I find it hard when post arrives addressed to the ‘late’ Mrs Irene C [name edited by moderator]. Less and less of it now as time passes but horrible all the same. Mum was so independent for so long that my brother and I had no involvement in her affairs until October 2016. This was her first episode in hospital with a UTI and she was never able to manage her own stuff after that.
She used to keep her bank account record meticulously- her last written entry in her book was a few days before she went into hospital. She never wrote in it again.
I went into sad news at work today - my bosses dad is not expected to live much longer; quite suddenly turned for the worse. He lost his mum 18 months ago so thought times for him. So much sadness in the world.
Anyway, we must look forward as well as back - it is so very hard to move forward without our parents but we have no choice. So, we must make the best we can if it and dedicate it to them and the strength they gave us.
Phew that’s a relief that your boy is ok and doing well. Bless him, lots of cuddles for him now being a brave boy and so pleased all is well particularly as such a hard time for you with the 4th week of your mum’s funeral as that is so difficult to deal with without anything else.
Well today was hard! To get to work I have to walk up a few flights of stairs and it hit me that the last time I did this was seeing dad in hospital and to get to the ward he was on. The flashback completely floored me and by the time I reached the top I was a sobbing mess! My manager had to come and get me!
Everyone was lovely but I was just in a different world, went through my phased back to work plan and it was just a blur. I have changed and a different person and I realised the old me has gone and I miss the old me. It was just so surreal. I went through the motions but that took so much effort.
I got home and was exhausted and fell asleep and then came the most bizarre dream! I dreamt my mother and brother had moved in and I asked them to explain what they were doing and their behaviour since dad died. They ignored me and I asked them to leave and as I closed the door when they left they were crying. I woke up in a hot sweat as it was so real and another realisation hit me…that was final closure that I would never see them again. So all in all a bizarre day.
I also feel dad was a lifetime ago and I am struggling between past and present. I wrote to dad in my journal that I did it and he would be proud of me but I don’t want to write to him I want him here to make my world normal again! None of this get’s easier that’s a lie and I can’t live a lie so I have to accept this is the way it is always going to be. Maybe tomorrow will be better than today but it is never going to go away. I can accept I will cope because I and we all of us have to but I will never cope knowing I will never see dad again. This is my new world and reality and it’s so hard.
I wanted to post all went well but it’s not my reality. It’s mentally, physically and spiritually draining.
How I am going to be tomorrow I have no idea and I am actually beyond caring because I feel like screaming to the world I lost everything I loved, believed in and felt secure and protected in. There is no normal and I don’t want to pretend there is!
I so wanted to post everything went well and all is ok but I can’t.
Hope everyone understands my post and I am now going to have a large glass of wine or 2 and stick 2 fingers up to the world. Because it’s how I feel
I think that we sometimes underestimate how hard it is to ‘carry on’ after a significant bereavement. Be kind to yourself and don’t push yourself too hard. I feel much the same as you do but it has got slightly easier as time has passed. I struggle to see the point of what I do even though I do love my job. It just seems so pointless but I know that it is not true.
Maybe we have to look at it as making our new ‘normal’? I had a bit of a rant to my husband the other day and I used the same phrase as you feeling I have lost everything that mattered. That is not actually true but that is how it felt for a long time. I have started to tell myself that I need to stop now; stop wallowing in self pity and to start moving forward. Some days I can but some I just can’t- no one but you on here understand that.
I sometimes think I am making a but fuss when I shouldn’t … but like all of you losing my Mum was the thing I have dreaded most for several years now. As she was 96 I suppose I knew we could not have much time left but you are just never ready to say goodbye are you? Hearing bad news about my boss’s dad today caused me to relapse a little - brought it all back - and I have struggled to focus at work today.
All in all I am just trying to say you are doing so well and what you are feeling is part of the grieving process. Your dream was bizarre and your situation is more complex than mine but I know you will be ok. You are strong and your dad would want you to be happy. Tonight the phone rang and I thought ‘I wonder if this is mum’ which was a bit bizarre - made my blood run cold a little.
We can do this - together we are stronger.
I hope that tomorrow goes ok. If you feel you can not cope ask for a longer phased return - you must look after your health and well-being.
We are all very proud of you for today - you did it. It does not matter what the outcome was really but you were brave and faced it.
Take care and let us know how you get on tomorrow. Rant as much as you want to - we are here for you.
Hi Lyn
Rant away. Not a lot I can say that will be of any use. Mum died 50 weeks ago and I can’t tell if it seems like a moment ago, or a lifetime ago or something that happened to somebody else. I call it muddled brain syndrome. Maybe you are suffering from it too.
It’s sad that we didn’t have this new perspective on life - knowing what’s important and what’s just a load of dross - when our loved ones were alive. Two fingers to the world and a glass of wine sounds therapeutic to me.
Hugs
Marigold
XXX
Very pleased that your boy is on the mend, Lucy. What a relief! Try to enjoy some down time with him in your next few days off.
Well done Lyn for getting through your day at work. Do not worry that you cannot say it went well. All that matters is that you turned up and all you need to do is turn up again tomorrow. The rest will fall into place in time. Interesting you say you have changed. I feel the same and I wonder whether the changes are permanent. I am over 3 months in from my mum now so starting to think how I have changed is permanent.
I feel like someone is withholding my mum from me and that she will be given back soon! You are a bit further along Caroline, do you still think it feels temporary, if that makes sense?
Ann, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be looking after your mum while trying to keep things normal for your little one. I do not have children but it made me realise when you mentioned going to school.
It does get more real I suppose as ‘events’ come and go - Christmas, birthdays, etc - but I still wonder if I have dreamt it all and she will come back to me. Maybe now it is more wistful than desperate - I would say I was desperate for the first 3 or 4 months but approaching 6 months I suppose I am coming to terms with it more.
The final step I have to face is her house - but my brother is buying me out so it could be worse. That is my childhood home - it was built in 1958 Mum lived there until she went into care in March 2017. It has never been sold since it was built so lots of memories there too.
I think it is natural to feel it is temporary and I think it is shock that does this to us. How can we be without them? Unthinkable - but the reality starts to pervade as life does go on. I have tried to be sensible and put things into perspective but I think only the passages of time will do that.
All this grief and disbelief is because we loved our parents so very much so we should not fight it. We will be ok but we will each get there in our own way and in our own time.
Tonight the phone rang and I thought it was Mum - so yes, I still have not quite got my thoughts straight on the fact that she has gone forever. I still yearn to speak to her but it does not hurt in the pit of my stomach like it did at first so it does get less painful.
I started to listen to an Ed Sheeran song a few months before Mum passed away - never been a fan but it is probably the one thing that calms me now if I feel bad.
The song is called Supermarket Flowers - it will be on YouTube - if you listen to the words they are of great comfort. The song is written from Ed’s mum’s perspective, so about his grandma, but from his Mum’s point of view. It is truly wonderful - I just listened to it hence this post.
I chose this song as the ‘exit’ music at Mum’s funeral but it does not make me sad it makes me feel that we celebrated the wonderful person she was.
Give it a listen - applies to dad’s too - tell me what you think. I suppose I am a bit obsessed by it now having listened to it thousands of times but you never know it may comfort you too.
Hi,
Well done Lyn, you did it. We all knew you would and that part is done. I hope you’ll find it a bit easier tomo. I felt like that on my first week - couldn’t give a toss about what I was doing at work and you’re right Marigold I felt exactly that - why didn’t I think sod work sooner when Mum was ill but it just doesn’t cross your mind as you’re just trying to keep going and hold your job down in between hospital appointments and everything.
I must say Lyn that last week for me back at work was much better and although today has been very meeting heavy I feel better and that old part of normality is sinking in at work and compared to that first week I am much happier this week. I think we maybe question the point of everything and work just seems a means to an nothing really. I was so vile at work the first and second week but today I’ve not felt vile!!!
Think everyone’s doing well considering. I hope you feel a bit better at work next week, think you’ve just got to take each day. But I actually can’t believe how much better today was, a little bit of my old life finally came back today and after hating it the past two weeks it felt nice to be back into it again - never would have said that last week! I could of ripped anyone’s head off for anything!!!
Oh and I forgot to tell you all that my new poxy alarm didn’t go off this morning just my mobile went off! What is it with me and alarms??!!
On a more ashamed and sad post as I sat on the sofa tonight my eyes felt sore. And then it hit me…I’ve had a scented candle burning recently and my cat is now at the Vets and his symptoms have stopped…I’ve googled cats and candles and allergic reactions and OMG it can be fatal. I’ve had an animal all my life (bar 3weeks) & I never knew that candke toxins were so dangerous to cats. I feel absolutely awful as it just fits into place. Side effect online of candle poisoning is drooling. I tell you I will never forgive myself. Looked at base of candle tonight and says contains citral which can cause allergic reaction (doesn’t mention pets anywhere) which it should really. But that’s no excuse as why I didn’t think of it sooner I don’t know but the house will be opened up tomorrow and I’ll gave a good blow thorough. I’d fekt a candle every so often quite calming since Mum passed but not at the cost of my boy. I am now convinced that’s been the issue. He’s been through so much already and I do that to him. He is such a wonderful cat which makes it worse as he doesn’t deserve this. Everyday he jumps up for his insulin injections and doesn’t have a bad bone in him.
Thank you Lyn for being honest. It is so refreshing being able to share the good days and the bad days where everyone understands. I end up censoring what I say for the audience listening but here we can just be ourselves.
The first step is the hardest and you did that yesterday.
I will listen to supermarket flowers now. Hope you all have a peaceful ish day.
Go easy on yourself regarding the candles - you were not to know. I only recently read something about this and I had no idea. Like you I have had animals all my life. The candles may be the cause but it may have been something else too.
I am glad work is getting better for you. I generally felt the same as you do. Work is part of our being and despite our grief we do have to continue with our lives otherwise everything that our parents fought for may be lost. When at home and alone, especially at night, I used to find the grief overwhelmed me but now I can control it a lot better.
Thank you, I think sometimes we just need permission to rant as grief is not always “polite” and “well mannered”.
Muddled brain syndrome is spot on!. Our brains and hearts don’t know how to respond or deal with any of this as it’s just too devastating to take in. I feel stuck between 2 world’s. The one with dad and this new one.
I had a bit more than one glass of wine I’m sad to say and felt pretty crap when I woke up this morning but it at least knocked me out last night so I could sleep
Thanks for understanding, sometimes we have to just be honest with ourselves and get it all of our chest. I am a bit better today, it’s like being on a rollercoaster!
