Thanks Jane
I like what you say about just turning up, it makes sense and today was a tad better. (Only just)
I have most definitely changed, can’t work out if it’s a good or bad thing, just nothing is the same and that makes sense as how can it be?
I too still feel like it’s temporary until the reality keeps jumping out at me day after day when I least expect it.
I am going to book a break away somewhere soon as feel the need to escape
xx
Hi everyone
Just an update…
Well I have nearly completed my first week back into the world of what “used” to be my normal reality.
It has been extremely hard and I am observing how withdrawn I am, (I was normally the life and soul of the office, always chatting and joking). I feel a range of emotions that are totally alien to me. Office gossip does not interest me, younger colleagues who think losing a parent is like losing a shoe, I could just outright punch them and anyone who have their parents, I just feel resentful of. Insignificant comments I just want to lash out at and job performance, stats, rules, etc, I am numb to. I have arrived in this office as the “new girl”. I actually just want to run away but where to?
Time means nothing to me and being on an alarm clock everyday just gets me down. Nothing seems relevant anymore and life for me just seems a tick box exercise. I am sick of people asking me how I am as if it has any relevance to them? I don’t like this faking it to making it. I lost my world and I want the world to know how I really feel…I don’t want my dad left behind in the past and I am sick of hearing about all the first’s. What the hell is that about? Everyday since dad passed is a first and I just struggle with dealing with people who want to stick a plaster on me. A plaster doesn’t heal an open wound…
Yes I am surviving because I have no choice but can it get easier? No is the answer. How can it?
People ask me how I am and then proceed to tell me in great detail of their losses and how they felt? Hello? This is about my loss not yours but I listen and smile politely but if the norm is slotting into society’s view of what I should be thinking and feeling well I am not going to. So I am withdrawing instead.
This stiff upper lip and ignorance of death is annoying and patronising and I refuse to partake. Our beloved parent dies and the minute they take their last breath we have to rush to register the death, rush to sort out the funeral (even that is on a strict timescale), rush back to the rat race and “slot” back in to normality. There you go all sorted!! Noooooooo it is not!! My dad’s legacy means more to me than this crap so I am going to drop my hours and go part time until I decide what I need to do regards my values and beliefs in this world and how I move forward to really honour his life and mine.
I am no longer the “norm”, no longer want the label and no longer want to slot into everyone else’s view of who I should be and conform to their expectations of me.
I have a lot of thinking to do and I hope to keep in touch with you all as you have truly been my rock and a huge support to me and I cannot thank you enough.
Much love and gratitude
xxxx
Hi Lyn
I’m really sorry you have had another rough day. My mum simply says “Life is a bitch at times” and I have to agree. It really is.
When I am explaining my dad not being here to my son I ask “do you still love grandpa?” When he says Yes, I say well that feeling of love is real and it will live on. My dad lives on in our lives through memories and our love.
I hope that doesn’t just sound sentimental. I really mean it. Our fathers are no longer here but they do live on in our actions and our thoughts. They made us who we are and our love for them is the reason we feel such grief.
I miss my dad so much every day but by doing so I am thinking about him and imagining what he would say. Do you do that too?
I see my life now as a heap of Lego bricks that used to be an impressive structure. When my mum finally dies, the pieces will be even more destroyed but I owe it to my dad and my mum to put them back together in honour of them, one brick at a time because that is what parents would want for their children.
My aunt wrote in her Christmas card to me " don’t look back or too far forward" and that is something else I am focusing on. Simply getting through one day at a time.
Take care
Ann xxx
Hi Lyn,
Oh gosh, I am so very sorry that you feel so lost. Reading through your post resonates with me and I don’t think we will ever be the same person again - we cannot as part of us is missing.
What I do want to say though, at the outset, that upsetting as it may be it is ok for you to feel like this. Others are ignorant about how we feel, some due to immaturity and some due to not knowing how to deal with the grief of others. No excuses though.
I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that it will be alright in the end, whatever alright looks like.
From what you have described today maybe you have gone back to work too soon. Did you say that you work of a local council? Do they have a counselling service - I know the one I work for does and people say it is very good. Maybe talking to someone would help put work into perspective. You are right that it is just not important and is a necessary evil to keep the roof over our heads.
You mention reducing your hours and re-thinking what you do going forward. This is a sensible thing to do but is there anyone you can talk things over with? I have been thinking of ways I could honour my mum’s life and can only think of fundraising for kidney disease research which just does not seem personal enough.
I wish I could think of something to say that will make you feel a little better. Where in the country do you live ? I am in north Lincolnshire near Market Rasen. Your post made me sad as I just don’t want any of us to hurt this badly and sadder still that is don’t know how to help.
Please remember that your dad would not want you to be so sad. I always think our parents would be pleased that we love them so much that we are heartbroken but actually that would make them sad as they raised us to be there to carry on their legacy. I talk about my mum all of the time; I wonder what she would think about the Brexit mess (she and I had a long debate about this as we travelled to Devon on our last holiday together - we were on opposing sides!); and I keep her love in my heart.
Mum was someone who believed in God and was a Christian although had not attended church for a good few years due to age. I am not a religious person but I respect my mum’s faith and the way she lived her life. She was a truly good and kind person and I want to be more like her. So, this one way that I am hoping to be able to honour her life by being more like her.
Your dad sounds like he was a wonderful man. He raised you to be like him and that is something to take some comfort from. I have never met you but I can tell that you are like your dad - kind and caring. I hope that, in time, you will feel stronger and more able to cope - says she that dissolved into tears when she sees an elderly lady in the supermarket because it should be my Mum there …
I will stop now as I don’t know if I am helping or making it worse! Please try to keep posting on here and writing your daily journal to your dad - we will all be here for you. If you were local enough I would love to meet you too - I am quite shy actually but I know we would get on like a house on fire!
Take care and try to get some rest. Let us know how you are tomorrow if you can.
Sending love and hugs,
Caroline xxx
Hi Lyn & all!
Sorry to hear you’ve found it tough at work. I really hope that it does improve. I’m not you so I just don’t know but it sounds like you’re having a similar reaction to me during my first couple of weeks. I really didn’t want to be there, found everyone annoying, pathetic and just false. But on Monday so my third week I did feel better and a little less agitated about work. Althighy saying that I’ve just looked through my emails (as wanted to check a date even though I’m off) & I just find the emails and things that have happened and just think - I need a different job as it’s all so pathetic & I feel like I just cannot he bothered. So don’t do two weeks and then take a week off lol otherwise you’ll go right back to week one!!!
I think we are all on an incredibly short fuse as I too just want to punch pretty much everyone!!! Especially those that moan of ridiculous stuff or still have parents and treat them like dirt. Yes I had 39 wonderful years but why couldn’t I have had 60 wonderful years- just seems unfair.
You’ve got a double whammy going on which is different from the rest of us and I can’t begin to imagine the lack of support from the rest of your family but it sounds like your dad made you a strong person. I’m now realising it about myself and I never knew I could be this strong. I sometimes think that appearing strong must look like I’ve not been affected by my mums death and then I think how grateful I am that she made me so strong. Truth is I did so much grieving before in some ways I’m grieved out right now.
Book a break away to give yourself something else to plan and focus on, I’m currently doing this and whilst I don’t feel I can ‘look forward’ to anything it is giving me something else to plan but right now I can’t see how I’ll cope by the end of the werk let alone August.
You know you’re in a safe place on here to share your thoughts and we all understand the feelings we are all going through as we are all experiencing them differently week to week.
Sending you lots of love xx
Just to let you all know, my cat they say is ok and he’s home but I’m not convinced he’s ok. Still a bit wet around the mouth bless him & appears sad bless him. Got to keep an eye on him the rest of this week. X
And!!!
Guess what everyone? My friend can’t come with me to collect mums ashes. Has double booked herself. Talk about feel let down. I’m stoll going but going to see if I can visit an old school friend’s Mum after as she will be so supportive. Then I may take Mum home just one last time even though it will break my heart as I was there when she left in the ambulance and she had a look about her as if to say ‘I don’t think I’ll be coming back’ and just kind of stared at her house as she left. Now I’m in floods of tears again! Great!
You know sometimes I just think if you want anything doing just do it yourself. I don’t know why I rely on others as I always get let down- well that’s what it feels like. I actually already knew my friend wouldn’t come. Just a gut feeling.
Anyway, sorry to be so depressing but looks like it’ll be just me and Mum again xx
Hi Lucy, was just about to go to bed when I thought I would check in with the forum. I was so sorry to read that you’re going to have to do this on your own, but I’m glad you’re taking your mum home just one more time. I think not doing it might be something you could come to regret further on down the line.
I know it’s going to be hard but I don’t think it’s going to be as hard as you’re imagining. I hope not.
Just before Christmas, I gave some money to a Salvation Army man shaking a collecting tin. He said “God Bless” to me and for some reason it meant so much to me. So, whether you’re religious or not, I hope you won’t mind if I say “God Bless” to you.
Marigold
XXX
Hi All,
Thanks Marigold for your message. I’ve just booked to collect them at 10am tomorrow- mind and fear gone into overdrive again, that same horrible fear I had the moment Mum was told she only has two years to live. I just feel if I don’t do it now I will just put it off for ages and I just don’t want her on a shelf there. I’m going to sort out the ring/s and Looking at everything else I may get a paperweight aswell but i’ll see how I feel Tomo. I still don’t know what to do with the rest of her. I’m sure it’ll figure itself out in time.
After 9 days out/working solid it’s been really nice to have yesterday and today in.
Hope you’re feeling a bit better today Lyn and not worse I really hope?
Right if best go and tidy up the spare room upstairs so I can accommodate a few more things of mums! I’m sure she’d hate to think that some stuff has gone to dads for storage!!! As they were divorced! But they were amicable.
My cat seems s but perkier today thank goodness, that’s a relief. He’s been so sweet today, been climbing on me and curling up into my neck bless him!
As for everyone else well stuff them all quite frankly!!! Thought I’d share my positivity with the group today lol!!!
Hope you’re all doing as ok as you can, hugs, xx
Hi everyone
Thank you for your lovely messages of support. I was hoping to post a more positive message but sadly it’s not to be…
Well I woke up this morning determined to put my best foot forward and was just going into the office when I had a text that my close friend’s husband died suddenly yesterday!! I went to their beautiful wedding only in August, they had been together 16 years and they have a 4 year old son. They were so happy. He works away from home a lot and went to Scotland on Monday with work and died 2 days later of pneumonia aged 42!! I have been in shock most of the day and had to come home as I was in floods of tears. I cannot comprehend what is going on, it’s so tragic and sad. He was fit and healthy? How can he die within 3 days and of pneumonia? It’s just so surreal. How on earth do you tell a 4 year old that his daddy has died? Never in my life have I been surrounded by so much loss. I seem to take one step forward and 29 back!!
I will post individual replies to you over the weekend in more depth as I just cannot think straight at the moment but didn’t want you all to think I had disappeared
xxx
Hi Lyn,
Oh no - such tragic news. I am so sorry for yet another loss in your life. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for you all.
I am at a funeral for a friend’s brother who was just 35 … as you say the senseless loss of precious lives seems to be all around us at the moment.
I have no words.
Love,
Caroline xxx
Hi Lyn
Sorry to hear you are having such a struggle with work. I do hope it will settle down although I know what we all really want is for everything to be as it was and not to have to get used to working with these new sad circumstances we find ourselves in.
I did not want to be in work when I went back after losing my mum. My mum and dad had both suddenly become unwell co-incidentially in the same week. One was in hospital and one at home then my dad came home and my mum went into hospital and my mum did not come back out. My sister passed away years ago. I was running from one parent to another and trying to work. Anyway I am now being one of those people who is telling you about me so I will stop now! What I was trying to get to before I started waffling is that I am a couple of months on from you and work is ok again. I hope you find the same for you. See if you can work reduced hours maybe to have a bit more time to yourself as it is exhausting. Sammy will like having his mum around for extra time too I am sure!
Sending you warm wishes
Jane
X
I have just seen your message about your friend’s husband. So sorry x
Thinking of you for tomorrow morning.
So glad your boy is on the mend. I too have always had animals (sadly not now) but I had no idea of the candle danger.
Jane
X
Hi Lucy,
So sorry your friend cannot come with you to collect mum’s ashes. You will be ok and taking Mum back home one more time is, I feel, a great idea. She will love that. My mum’s ashes are currently in her bedroom and that makes me happy.
As time passes I feel less and less of a connection to the ashes - they are not Mum.
I hope you cope ok. Just remember that your mum has passed from this life into another - the ashes are in remembrance of her but are not her.
Take care,
Caroline xxx
Hi Lucy,
Glad your cat is much better and giving you some love!
Caroline xxx
Hi All
What a truly difficult time we are all going through. I really have no positive words today. I feel I shouldn’t add to the depression but today has been awful. My lovely neighbour has been told she is reaching the very end of her battle with cancer and my mum seems to be too. She fell today trying to get on the commode and while waiting for the paramedics her doctor called me to say her kidneys were failing and she needs to go to hospital. She has refused.
I’m in a tail spin but have to follow her wishes. She has been confused this week and sleeping a lot. To add to the pressure, she has organised a coffee morning for tomorrow at her home for Marie curie. I know she is doing it to get everyone around her for one last farewell. It is unbelievable how in control of her own death she has been but I think she just wants to be with my dad now. How I go on after all this is beyond me.
Lyn, I am so sorry to hear your new tragic news. Talk about kicking you when you are down.
Lucy, I wish you strength with your mum’s ashes. You will get through it. Xx
Caroline, I am sorry to hear of yet another young loss.
Ann x
Dear Ann,
What a tough time for you. My mum initially refused to go into hospital and we supported her wishes as long as we could. When the time came that it was no longer viable she did agree to hospital.
If her kidney function is low (my mum had CKD stage 5) she will sleep a lot and get confused. However the fact she is still in control of her life and destiny is amazing. Hard for you but you will gain comfort from this eventually.
I am sorry to hear about your neighbour - sadness all around.
Thinking if you and your Mum.
Caroline xxx
Hi Lucy,
I know it’s going to be an ordeal for you but there’ll be plenty of people on this forum thinking of you and I hope that heartens you a bit.
Since mum died nothing gives me that awful sick panic and fear I used to feel when I was talking to doctors and nurses and anticipating bad news. You had a terrible time when you found out your mum’s prognosis. You have come through the worst. You will get through tomorrow. You did everything you could for your mum while she was alive and you are still doing everything you can for her. You are a good person and you will find the strength.
Hugs
Marigold
XXX
Hi All,
Well everyone’s going though it all at the moment-thank you all for sharing and for the support. I don’t know where I’d be without this group.
Oh Lyn, that’s terrible news. It just shows how everyone must try and live for the moment but that’s so much easier said than done when you’re experiencing so much grieving already. I’m glad you felt you could still post on here and you know we are all here for you. Hope supporting her is the best it can be-i don’t know how to put it but I hope you know what i mean.
Thanks Caroline - I think he trouble I have is that I just feel mum’s ashes are still her. I don’t want to let go of her. Hope the funeral was as ok as it could be. I probably should have gone to a funeral today but there’s no way I could have gone. It wasn’t a close friend or anything like that but a family friend. I had to put jystlf first in this occasion.
Thanks Jane & Marigold for your words of support, it means a great deal. The fear is awful isn’t it. It’s been nice to be free of that fear but I’d still rather have Mum. But witjit pain of suffering fof her. I know about the candle Jane- thankfully they don’t think it was that in the end which I felt relievd with but I still suspect some of it was due to it. They’ve told me he’s find but his lip is still hanging down s bit. Just keeping an eye on him.
Oh Ann, I really feel for you I really do. It’s like a replica of last year for me. Can’t believe the kidneys failing-you’re def in the right group get me gif anything kidney related and as Caroline said your mum may well get sleepy and confused- Mine did and it’s so tough to witness. The only blessing I had was that as Mum had kidney failure they said it’s usually peaceful but Mum had a lot of terminal twitching which I knew nothing about until then. And then within 9 days that was it from being relatively well walking and talking to dead in 9 days so I am grateful for that as she went so quickly. You must be feeling the anticipatory grief now and I can only say we are heard holding your hand. I posted on here a week before Mum died and pleased I did! It’s like yours just waiting but know the outcome but it’s a case of where & when and That’s so so difficult. Somehow you will cope afterwards I promise.
Right better get done keep hit thanks and hugs to you all. Xx
Hi all.
How did you get on today Lucy? I have been thinking of you. I am sure it has been a very difficult day but another big step done?
I certainly had a memorable day. Fighting doctors wanting to get my mum in hospital because of her kidney function and “entertaining” a full house at my mum’s for her coffee morning that she has been living for. We raised over £700 for Marie curie and when I told my mum how proud I am of her she cried and said the same back. I felt terrible because I had grumbled earlier when she got mixed up about the comode not having a bucket on then as guests were walking in I was up to my eyes scrubbing the carpet. I’m just so exhausted.
Her neighbours gave her 3 cheers of hip horray which was so surreal and sent me over the edge hiding behind a door in the bedroom, looking blankly through tears at the bed where my dad was laid to rest not long ago. So so surreal.
I hope you all have something nice planned for the weekend, even if it just a pat on the back for getting to Friday.
Love, Ann xx