Thanks Ann and to everyone for asking and for everyone’s support and good wishes. I’ll come to my eventful day in a minute but I hope everyone else is ok as can be.
Oh Ann, I feel for you - that feeling is terrible when you know there’s not long left but you’re trying to hold it together. It really is an awful feeling as you’re literally just waiting. Don’t feel bad about the commode mishap - it’s natural that with so much going on in both your and your mum’s head and the stress and pressure of the whole situation that you can’t help but have a bit of a flip but my mum said to me once she was in hospital; and she just knew - that everything was forgiven all the little arguments and the big ones - maybe have a chat with your mum about everything and I’m sure she probably doesn’t think anything of it - I expect you’re more upset by it all as you’re thinking how can I have had a grumble when she’s so ill! I had a terrible grumble at my mum and I’ll always be ashamed of it as we went to buy a ring last year as she wanted me to have a final gift and I was terrible to her that day yet she was really ill. I apologised and when she was in hospital; and she just said I know what you’re like and all’s forgotten - made afterwards so much better.
Well today… I get one mile away from my house and I’m the first on the scene at a two car crash. I thought OMG - one was in the ditch boot sticking up, debris everywhere across the road, and another van was around the corner which had had it’s entire bonnet and contents taken out by the car in the ditch. I was involved in a nasty accident years ago and my lovely mum cared for me for two years until I could walk properly again - so whenever I see any accidents etc it just brings everything flooding back. I ran over to the car in the ditch then rang back to get my phone and the car was steaming and I just thought I need to ring 999 but then I get shouted at as there are three men out of the vehicles already as I was thinking I may have to pull people out of these cars! For a few minutes I was just totally flustered into knowing what to do first. Anyway they were all ok and police and ambulance were on their way. Talk about snap me out of the fear of picking up mum!! I was just shaken up but grateful I didn’t witness it and that it didn’t set me back too much but I thought at first I don’t think I’ll be going to collect mum at this rate.
Ordered a ring and a paperweight a she loved paperweights so will have that in the house and the ring on my finger. Had it inscribed too. I said what’s she in - expecting it to be a pot and she says she’s in a biodegradable cardboard box!!! I thought urgh I don’t know how I feel about that but they then brought her round and it was weird but ok. I had to run down to the jewellers down the road to make sure what ring size I was in the middle of it all! Can’t believe how heavy the ashes are. So I left and took her back home one last time and placed her in her usual seat. It just all seems surreal considering when I started this post it was 7 days before mum passed and I used to read forums like this and wonder how on earth people cope afterwards and yet here I am. I’m pleased I took her home - thanks Marigold!
Then I’ve brought her back here. Dad did offer to take her but I said I wouldn’t inflict that on her lol! He said why didn’t I tell him that my friend wasn’t going but in the end I just wanted to do this for mum on my own and tonight I’ve locked the doors up, clamped the curtains together as the friend who let me down is likely to turn up but I just want tonight to be me and mum - I’ve even hidden the car round the back!!! Me, mum, my cat who’s feeling better and is much brighter and a bottle of Asti - mums favourite to toast her being home. She’s on the fireplace as the box is a bit burnt smelling… if anyone knocks I’m not answering it.
My head started banging at about 2pm so I did take a tablet to try and relax my neck muscles etc as was so tense. I’m going to wait until the jewellery comes back before I decide what to do with her ashes just incase there’s anything wrong with the pieces.
ANyway I hope everyone else is ok, thank you all so much for the support. Hope you’re ok Lyn too.
I could have gone to a funeral yesterday but I just couldn’t face it and I need to look after me right now. Seems like funerals is what this group is all about right now.
Could you imagine a night out with all of us!!!
Thanks again all and don’t feel bad Ann - you’re doing your mum proud as has everyone else who’s lost theirs xx
Well done Lucy getting through such a difficult day and please raise a glass to us all during your private party tonight. Sounds like a perfect tribute.
Well I have managed to survive my first week back even though I nearly didn’t and so glad it’s now the weekend so I can recharge my batteries put my PJ’s on and just relax as I am totally exhausted.
Work have agreed a 4 week phased back return instead of 2 so that’s something as I just don’t have enough energy to cope with it all at the moment, especially as there is so much depressing news around which isn’t helping.
I have not been to Lincolnshire before but heard of Market Rasen (geography is not one of my strong points). I live near Solihull West Midlands not far from the NEC. You know it would be a lovely idea for us all to meet up at some point when we are all a bit further forwards. I like this idea.
I agree about honouring our parents legacy and you are so right, they would not want us to be sad. I am hoping next week will be better so I am still hanging in there!
We are so blessed to have wonderful parents and we do owe it to them to be happy and get on with life.
What an eventful day you have had! I hate seeing road traffic accidents they just make me go cold. Thank god you didn’t witness it and everyone was ok.
So pleased you have finally got your mum’s ashes and you did it by yourself and it was private with just you and your mum and hopefully being with you will bring you some comfort. Cannot believe we have all gone through this and coped so well. (Apart from my major wobble the last few days where I let the team down)
I got through the week so I am going to have a glass of wine for being a survivor! I am going to recharge my batteries as I am totally exhausted and hopefully next week will be a more positive one.
My dad would be telling me to get on with it and not worry about other people so much, so am going to listen to his wisdom and take things as they come. One day at a time.
I will raise a glass to all our parents tonight in celebration of them raising us to be fine young ladies! (Well not quite so young for me), I know you are 39 Lucy, Caroline is 53 and I am the senior at 58 unless Ann, Jane or Marigold are older than me?
I put a pizza in the oven earlier for my tea and as I took it out I dropped it on the floor! Sammy dived in and scoffed most of it so I now have to start again!
I made it to Friday so there is still hope for me!
You have certainly gone through a lot, how you coped with both your mum and dad being unwell and working is beyond me. You must be very strong to deal with all of that. Sorry to hear about your sister too. I want to hear about you so don’t stop!
I am going to start next week with a bit more strength and determination and just focus on the task at hand.
Sammy has been my rock! I normally work from home so he is with me constantly. I am only in the office while I am on my phased return so they keep an eye on me if I need support
You are certainly under a lot of strain at the moment and you are only human so I am sure your mum understands if you have a grumble. She loves you and knows you are doing everything you can because you love her. None of us are perfect when under so much pressure and emotion.
Well done for raising the money for Marie Curie and for fulfilling your mum’s wishes.
You are still grieving your dad and you need the time to do that but must be so challenging with having to cope with your mum’s care as well as everything else. No wonder you are exhausted. Try and ensure you look after yourself too.
Hope you get some rest and peace over the weekend just to recharge your batteries
I can relate to that feeling of panic and sick to the stomach when talking to doctors and nurses. I had his all the time. Being brave in front of dad but wanting to run away at the same time.
I dreaded hearing more bad news and something else going wrong. I used to get home and just burst into tears with the worry of it all and I was forever fussing over dad making sure he took all his meds and checking he was ok every 5 minutes…the hardest thing is I now miss it, looking after him. I had a purpose and now feel lost and don’t know how to fill that time.
I am 42 (feeling 142 at the moment though). I’m now in my p’js too. I am glad you are feeling a bit more positive today and at least Sammy is good at cleaning up! Xx
Arrrgghhhh,…I so wanted Pizza for tea as I can’t be bothered with anything else. I have had beans on toast washed down with 2 glasses of wine and going to watch Corrie in a bit.
I hope you have some support Ann because this is the hardest part of this awful journey. No matter how hard we try and prepare for it, it doesn’t make it easier. I am always here if you need to talk, scream, shout or whatever form you appear in.
A bit further on I am thinking it would be nice for us all to meet up and give each other some real life hugs
ps…be proud of what you are doing Ann and carry that in your heart xxx
There is one thing that I can think of that will honour all of our wonderful parents and that is for us to all meet up and raise a glass in person to them and us and to acknowledge this journey that has bought us together and given us the strength to get through each day.
Huge congratulations on surviving your first week back - I am so relieved x
My home area is Codsall which is near Wolverhampton not that far from you. We regularly go to dog shows at the NEC. We must meet up one day.
I am so pleased to see that your are determined to carry on. You are strong and you can do this. I am relieved to see a more positive post as I was pretty well ready to get in my car and come to see you !!
Keep strong in the memory of our parents - they would never quit!
Hi Lucy
That was some day you have had but I am so pleased you seem to be OK with your mum’s ashes. I have mum’s ashes near my computer desk so she isn’t far away as I type this. When I look at them I often think of the quote by Oscar Wilde, “Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground”. I feel the place where she is resting is made holy by my grief for her.
Your message touched on another raw nerve - the times I lost my temper with mum in that final year. She always understood and we always made up but she must have seen herself as an awful burden on me. The guilt is hard to deal with.
We had to get mum’s beloved cat put down about a couple of months after she passed away. It was just old age - nearly 17. I’m glad mum went first as losing him would have been so hard on her.
Think this is becoming a forum for sad grieving cat people.
Hi,
Thanks all for your messages and support, lovely to se me and read. Good to see you back on Lyn.
Will reply to you all tomo but had a big barney with Dad tonight and just feeling so alone. After yesterday I just can’t handle anyone having a go at me. So I cut him off. Something I’ve never done before. Times like this when it really hits home how much I’ve lost and I’ve veen crying ever since. I miss her so so much. Told a friend and nothing no response even though she’s seen the message. I know it’s difgicukt for others to deal with me at the moment but I’m beginning to think no one (other than this group) gives a damn. Yesterday I saw the first ‘mother’s day’ advert in the post office. That hit home. Anyway hope you’re all having a better night, message tomo and thanks for just listening. X
Hi Lucy
Just wanted so send a quick note so you know you’re not alone.
I haven’t seen the Mother’s Day cards yet but I shrink from them the way you do. My mum died on 16 February last year so it’s coming up to one year. This time last year I never realised she’d only another fortnight to live. Still can’t get my head round it.
Don’t beat yourself up about the barney with your Dad. You’re come through such a lot and are dealing with so much that even the most elastic of temperaments can’t be blamed for snapping.