Hi Lyn
Hope you managed to have a restful weekend, with no more pizza disasters. I too have managed to drop things recently. I think it is because concentration is not on the task in hand perhaps. You mentioned ages. I am 47. Hope Monday goes smoothly for you.
Jane
X
Hi Jane
I have done nothing this weekend other than sit and ponder everything and wonder how I have got this far without completely losing the plot as well as my food…
I have a steady hand though when it comes to my wine!!
47 is like a mature wine. I remember it well lol! Just wait until to reach 50!
Hope you are ok and had a nice weekend
xx
Thinking of you today Lyn x
Hi Lucy
Thank you so much. I cannot believe it is 2 months today! It feels like a life time ago that I last heard his voice and saw his beautiful smiling face. I held it together at work but got home 2 hrs ago and just cried my eyes out.
My heart just longs to have dad back and my mind fights it all and I just feel broken. The emptiness is just horrible.
Work is much better than last week and it is helping me having some routine and structure but the minute I get home it just hits me how alone, sad and empty I feel.
No matter how I try I cannot comprehend that I will never see or speak to him again.
The other hardest part of all this, is knowing nobody in the world can ever love me like he did. A parent’s love is unconditional and irreplaceable.
I am still here, still functioning and coping but part of me went with him and I will never get that part of me back.
Hope you are ok and I know it will be equally hard for you on the 12 December
xxx
Hi Lyn,
Gosh, 2 months - unbelievable really. It is so very hard, I know, but well done for getting through work. I believe we all need to cry to release the emotions - I often cry last thing at,night when it is all quiet.
The empty feeling is horrible. You are right that a part of us goes with them and, although that makes us feel sad and different, it is a positive that we had our wonderful parents in our lives. The pain and sadness comes from our utter love and devotion - I felt as if my whole purpose in life had gone when Mum passed. Now, almost 6 months on, I realise that this is not the case but, like you say, I feel differently about life now and I always will.
The ‘good’ news is that despite feeling like this I am ok and managing to enjoy parts of life again. I have told myself that I need to focus on a hobby and I am trying to make changes towards this. I have my Clumber spaniel puppy and I am going to show her; I have even changed my car to help me achieve this (previous one was impractical and it reminded me of Mum too so I am pleased it has gone). Cate the Clumber is going to be my focus in trying to raise my mood and help me move forward.
I have shown dogs for over 30 years but lost my mojo whilst Mum was poorly so I am trying to see if I can get going again.
The love we have enjoyed from our parents is irreplaceable. We will always miss them and always yearn for ‘just one more …’. There does not seem any option other than to adapt who we are - I always wonder if people can see the sadness I am carrying behind my eyes. I feel it is there and always will be.
I hope that, in time, you can adapt too like I am. It is not a nice process and there are good and bad days, but we are the continuation of our parents. We are their flesh and blood on the Earth now and we owe it to them to keep their ancestry going, as they did with their own parents. My mum used to talk fondly about both of her parents so their memory lived on - this is our job now with our own parents.
I often think of you and Lucy, as the original ‘musketeers’, and wonder how you both are. Odd that we have never even met but have a close bond through our sadness.
Look after yourself.
Hugs,
Caroline xxx
Hi Caroline
Thank you for your wise words and hopefully in 6 mths time I may be in a better place as well. 8 weeks is too soon to absorb the enormity of my loss. My brain can only comprehend it when it is drip fed to me in small doses. The heart is a different matter.
The heart goes at a different pace to the mind and the two have to meet to come to an acceptance, I am always led by my heart so I know I am on a long journey but with dad’s guidance I will reach the point of that acceptance and that’s where my strength will come into it’s own.
I hope we all all continue to support each other on this journey we are on and can learn from our individual experiences
xxx
Hi All,
Glad you got through yesterday Lyn and glad you had a good cry. It’s the birthday next isn’t it? It’s like a countdown of first anniversaries on here isn’t it.
Pleased you’ve found work a little better this week. I’ve gone backwards. Everyone winding me up beyond belief, especially at work. I was ‘confrontational’ apparently today! I’ve had to really bite my tongue this week. There’s plenty more from where that comes from I can tell you!!! I’m really questioning work right now. Is it really where I want to be and what I want to do? Right now, no it isn’t & the thought of this life for the next few months fills me with dread. I can’t believe how up and down I’m feeling. I feel exhausted too.
Hope everyone else is doing ok?
Sounds like you’re really starting to focus on things Caroline and making more of showing your dogs. I hope I’ll reach a stage where I can look a bit more forward. I just keep replaying the last 24hrs over and over in my head and I so wish I could erase those 24hrs from my mind as it was so sad and it wasn’t particularly peaceful which I find upsetting.
Hugs xx
Hi Lucy, don’t worry about things that happen at work. They’re really not that important.
Hugs
Marigold
XXX
Hi All
Marigolds advice is spot on. At the moment, work is just something we have to plod through but it is not important. Probably not the best time to make huge decisions about quiting, but saying that, loss does make you see other aspects of your life in black and white doesn’t it.
Things awful with me. 3 ambulance called out in 5 days, mum refusing to go to hospital and now bed bound and confused. She is the most generous person I know in terms of compassion and now she doesn’t always know who I am and when she does, I’m now just the carer with orders being barked at me all day. She sleeps all the time and I’m losing her but so fearful of these images in my head in the future like you are dealing with Lucy. Her legs are literally rotting away with celulitus 
However, through all this, robins keep me company every day on her bird table outside. What a rollercoaster.
Ann xx
Hi All
One of dad’s many sayings was “tomorrow’s another day” and I am learning the true meaning of that now. I am just taking things on that basis and going with the flow and at my own pace.
It’s awful how we are expected to go back to work and just fit in with everyone else’s normality when our world has been turned upside down and it sounds like you are having a hard time of it Lucy. What helped me was keeping a distance and just doing what I have to do and limiting conversation with others. In the office I am sitting next to a young girl (in her 20’s) who constantly moans all day, she’s tired, got a cold, hates the job etc, etc and it was starting to annoy me and I told myself to just turn her volume down in my head and ignore her and without saying anything to her or being rude she now doesn’t engage with me (thank god) so it does work.
I think what is also happening is because our parents are no longer here for us to focus on we become more aware of ourselves because the focus has changed to us and everything looks totally different and we are now learning to look after and protect ourselves now.
Don’t make any major decisions or put yourself under pressure as it’s too soon.
Ann I really feel for what you are going through as it’s so stressful and exhausting. What you are doing for your mum is amazing and you will find the strength to cope but it’s so important that you also look after “you”. Make sure you have support and eat regularly and get some rest.
Big hugs everyone
xxx
Hi All
Ann, I am thinking of you and your mum. Sending you strength and a big hug.
My mum refused to go into hospital until the last few days although we did not know what was wrong so did not have any diagnosis that everyone else on here has had to go through with their parents. The stress was unbelievable in a very short space of time so I can only imagine how you all coped with that stress level over a long period of time.
I know what you mean about going over the last 24 hours Lucy. I still cannot believe how I was not there the final time my mum woke up, so I do not know her final words. Me and my dad were there at the end in ICU but my mum was already unconscious. I go over this all the time trying to make things different if that makes sense.
Dear Ann
Your post makes harrowing reading. This time last year I was watching my mum in the last week of her life and it was horrific. You get through it because there’s nothing you can do about it. Strangely since she died I feel I am more able to see the good in the world and in people whereas before I always thought I wouldn’t be able to see good in anything once I had lost her. Your comment about the robins makes me hope that things might be the same for you.
I know from my own experience that tomorrow will be just another bleak and gruelling day for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs and kisses
Marigold
XXX
Hi all.
Thank you JayDee, Lyn and Marigold for your thoughts. I can’t believe how much support is on a forum compared to some aspects of real life!
It is 9 months today since my dad died and about 8 since my mum’s diagnosis and the support from the strangest places has been amazing. Random people from my past popping up like guardian angels and people I expected to be wonderful disappearing. Have you all found this too?
Today, my mother in law and father in law are flying off to South America for a month. The resentment I feel is awful. How can they be leaving their family to deal with this alone? We were a close family as I am an only child and my husband is too so they spent quite a bit of time with my parents. Now we have half term to contend with and no child care to help. I want my son to understand death but I know there will be things ahead he really should not see at 5.
I see life very black and white at the moment. Compassionate people like you all are on this forum, and selfish people. From now on I know which type of people I will spend my time with.
Another bleak day ahead but I know that lovely generous spirited people (and Robins) will get me through somehow. I hope they pop up to support you all too.
I have a saying with work of “do, ditch or delegate”. I am now applying it to friends and family too. Hopefully it will help those of you working today too.
Ann xx
Hi Ann
I think I have said before that I too found support from the most unlikely people who have just popped up out of nowhere and those that I expected support from have disappeared for me this included my own family!
When you are caregiving to a parent all your time and focus is on them which for me is how it should be but now they are no longer here there is only ourselves to focus on through the grief that is forced on us and it’s then that you do see people in a truer light.
.
Our priorities have changed as our world has changed so everything is “different”. I have been back at work 2 weeks now and I am seeing everything and everyone through a new pair of eyes and selectively choosing who I want to interract with.
I believe my dad is guiding me towards more kind and compassionate people who give rather than take. I miss my dad more than words can say but I am feeling his presence more and more each day which is something I didn’t feel in the first few weeks.
I can now also hear his voice and see lots of memories popping up which is so comforting.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend
Take care
Lyn
xxx
Hi Ann,
Sorry for the late reply but I read your post and have been thinking of you.
I am so sorry that life is so difficult for you and your family at the moment. For all of us the experience of living through such traumatic times is exhausting and I really feel for you. Rollercoaster is the best description I could find too - so many ups and downs - but you sort of get dragged along with it all as you have no choice. It is not until you look back that you see how hard it was.
I hope your mum is peaceful and without pain. It is sad when we lose the person and the anticipatory grief is horrible. I don’t know what to say to make it better other than we are all here to listen and offer what ever support we can.
Were the robins there today? My little one was on the gate when I opened the curtains this morning and I said ‘good morning mum’ !!
Try to take care of yourself and close family too. Time seems to drift on by day after day and suddenly another week has passed. Precious but sad time.
Thinking of you,
Caroline xxx
Hi Lyn,
Like you say support often comes from the most unlikely of places. Those who I had thought would be there for me but were not are no longer part of my day to day life and I don’t waste my time or energy thinking about them now.
The loss of a parent that you have cared for and been so close to does change us. I think I have become even more cynical and untrusting of people’s motives. Like you I am more selective who I engage with and what I ‘give’ to people around me - it is working !
I am so pleased to see that you feel your dad is guiding you and his presence is returning - that made me smile. He has never left you.
I hope you have a good weekend too. I have half term next week and I am looking forward to a rest!
Take care,
Caroline xxx
Hi Ann,
I think we have all found support has not always been from where we had hoped for or expected. At first I felt really distressed about this and started to blame myself for their lack of support - time made me realise they were too selfish to bother and as such they are not a priority in my life now. I don’t tolerate selfish people these days!
I am so sorry that your family are still going on their holiday - that puts so much pressure on with half term too. Is there anyone else can help with childcare? Are there any suitable play schemes for the holiday that your son could access?
I agree with you about being very young at 5 to witness too much of this awful process. It is a delicate balance and I am no expert in this area but sometimes there are local services (maybe in school) that support young children with bereavement and loss. This might support you in dealing with the impact on your child - don’t be scared of asking for support as it is available. I am a teacher who works with a wide range of schools and they are often great in this area.
I like the ‘do, ditch or delegate’ approach - very cathartic!
I hope you are ok and that today was not too bad. Please keep sharing anything you want to not matter what it is - sadly we have all been where you are in one way or another and we are here to offer support if we can.
Thinking of you,
Caroline xxx
Thank you Lyn for your perspective. I am proud of you getting through 2 weeks back at work. It is an achievement and your focus on the right people sounds like how I am going to deal with the next chapter of my life too. I see the world split in 2 now. Kind people and selfish people. Simple.
Thank you Caroline for your perspective too. Good idea involving the school. Unfortunately I can’t think straight for alternative childcare at the moment so just going to muddle through one day at a time with my husband and I juggling my son. Glad “do ditch or delegate” resonated with you too 
Today felt wasted. I was with my mum all day but we have spent so long saying the meaningful things that now each day is sort of just waiting. What a waste, but I’m exhausted. She’s muddled and tired so I just hope my presence is reassuring.
Today the robins kept me company, along with 2 hares on her lawn. She lives in the country and the power of nature is so helpful there. You feel like a small piece of a much bigger thing so it is really grounding.
Anyone joining me in a virtual glass of wine this evening? “To our wonderful parents, who made us who we are.”
Ann xx
Hi Ann,
I will - cheers xxxx
Thank you Ann
It has been a trial going back to work just to keep the cogs in the big wheel ticking over but I can “ditch” them now for the time being as it’s the weekend.
Every day with your mum is precious for both of you so don’t feel however hard it is, that it is wasted. She will need your presence more than ever. This is now a time of keeping her comfortable and safe. When they are no longer here the what if’s are awful so make it count and you will forever know you gave 100% and did everything you possibly could. We can never turn that clock back.
I certainly will be joining you in raising a glass or two for all of us and our wonderful parents
God bless us all
xxx