Hi All,
Love this group when I see how many messages have been sent after a couple of days.
Well thanks to you all for the messages, sorry Jane that you feel so sad about not being there when your Mum woke up - maybe it was happened for a reason…my mum tried to talk to me after the mini stroke and it was so terrible to witness and I find it quite harrowing as her mouth wax all to one side and it happened about 6 hrs before she passed. Easy to say but although it was lovely that she tried it was also very upsetting, so do t beat yourself up.
Oh Ann, you really are going through it and as for your parents in law we’ll bang out of order. I was already a very black and white person but even more so now. Love the 3 D theory - def using that going forwards! Sorry to hear your Mum is going downhill and confused. I think in the final days I actually wanted things to hurry up as seeing Mum in such a state was terrible but more unfair on her than me. The morning when she died I was literally thinking I can’t cope with much more. I would of done but I kind of knew it was going to happen it was just the waiting of when. I think what Caroline said was spot on, you don’t realise just how much you’re doing until afterwards. It really hit me about two weeks later how much I’d done - you will look back and realise you couldn’t have done anymore and you will get so much comfort from that. So many people do nothing and you’re doing everything and you’ve managed to speak to each other and say everything you want-which is lovely.
My auntie hasn’t rung me once since my Mum died. She’s my dads sister - never been close close but you’d think she may have picked up the phone. He’s not impressed. I can’t be bothered with certain so called friends. Got a couple that I can totally rely on but then I contacted one last weekend after the argument and she’s still not replied. I’m just going to use these people from now on & when I get contact i’ll Leave it a week. Cannot be *%#$?!!! You’lol have to raise a glass to your dad too tonight bring 9 months. I’m dreading the 9 month anniversary as it’s the same day as my 40th, so I won’t be celebrating my big 4.0 as it just wouldn’t feel right.
Marigold, I hope you are ok as I know you said the year anniversary is sometime now? Does it feel like a year? I wish I could ignore work but it’s so difficult as I have a job with constant pressure and I’ve found that even though I’ve bern off I’m just suddenly expected to know exactly what’s going on. I have been told this week though that I’m aggressive! You don’t say! Thank god the week is over. One minute I hate it the next minute it’s ok and then I get paranoid as they all keep asking ‘ how are you finding it back here’ like they want me to say, well I hate it and I can’t wait to leave!!!
Caroline, I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s ditching people!!! I told my useless Vets what I thought of them this week! Registers my cat with another one and am refusing to pay the bill seeing as two weeks later I’m still waiting for the emergency call back. I’m just not tolerating it or anything. Hope you’re doing ok otherwise and I agree that the anticipatory grief that Ann is feeling is absolutely horrible.
Well Lyn, well done for the second week back at work! How has it been this week compared to last week? I hope it’s been a tad easier? I just feel mentally and physically exhausted after this week. I’ve all kinds of thoughts and feelings going through my head. Oh god if I hear or see this flipping call 111 advert on the TV I think i’ll Scream! It’s like I’m out of that lifestyle now but I just keep getting reminded by that ad!!! Oh you can tell it’s friday as I’ve zero patience!!! Haha! Had to try and keep a lid on it at work but I did get very wound up on one of the days. Hope you’re doing ok.
Hi all,
Ann, I am thinking of you and praying for you. This time last year was the last weekend I had with my mum. I was desperate - forcing fluids down her throat thinking I could still save her. By the time Wednesday evening came her suffering was so awful - in spite of syringe drivers - I was praying she would be taken. She died in the early hours of the Thursday. I never thought I would have the courage and the strength to witness my mum’s death. I thought I would run away and hide. But I am so glad I was able to stick it out and be with her. In fact, I see it as a privilege to have been with her. You will come through this - you have no alternative - but I hope you gain something from the whole horrific experience as I have done.
Lucy, a big thanks to you for remembering I have the anniversary coming up on 16 February. The whole past month in the lead up to it seems to have been littered with sad anniversaries of one decline followed by another. I am in the happy position of being retired. I retired at the start of 2012 so had five years being able to care for mum. I hated work and used to get very stressed about it, but I worked very hard and put in some very long hours. I look back on it now and can see I was crazy to bother. It speaks volumes about your colleagues that you were called aggressive. They clearly don’t understand what you’ve come through and haven’t been through it themselves. Sometimes it’s impossible to keep a lid on all the grief and frustration and exhaustion. My greatest sadness and source of regret is that there were days when I lost it with my poor mum especially in that last year. I must have made her feel like a burden.
There are too many of you to mention individually, but I am so thankful for knowing such a great bunch of good, kind, compassionate people.
I would like to put in my diary the anniversary of our parents passing so we can share and remember that day with each other. This is what I have. If I have got this wrong please tell me.
Caroline’s Mum 31 Aug 2017
Marigold’s Mum 16 Feb 2017
My dad 6 Dec 2017
Lucy’s Mum 12 Dec 2017
Ann can I have your dad’s please and Jane your mum’s
Yes, Irene Amelia - I always thought it was such a pretty name.
Yes, heavy rain here so all the dogs get soaked every time they go out to the loo. I had planned to do a bit of grooming and trimming today but I may have to forget that now!
Hubby in bed as he is on nights so I tend to have a quiet time with the dogs until he gets up later on.
I have to take Sam out for his walk and not looking forward to it as he has to have his paws towel dried when he comes in from the rain and he hates it!
My hero dad was called William Brian, died on 9th May 2017. I called my son William after him and now so glad I did.
Hi Lucy,
You are right. It is an amazing thing we have done for our mum’s but only because they were/are truly amazing people by the sounds of it. I feel like I am walking in your shadows and hope that I too come out the other side in nearly one piece. Are you drinking prosecco again tonight with your mum and cat?
Hi Marigold,
Thank you for your honesty. I hope I gain something too from all this and think I will. I am already more compassionate to the chosen few in my life. In laws are not in that zone…they FaceTimed my husband earlier going on about nothing but their holiday! Grrr.
The way people die can be so harrowing. As if it is not bad enough but why do they have to sometimes be in such pain? My mum had a clear moment this afternoon when she basically said “sod this, I’ve had enough”. I don’t know if mind and body always link but she has clearly decided enough is enough.
Your hero dad is in my diary! Your son is lucky to be named after him and have your dad’s legacy living on through him.
Marigold could I have your lovely mum’s name and Lucy your lovely mum’s as well.
I bought a lovely bench today for dad, found it quite by accident so it was meant to be and also ordered an engraved memorial plaque to arrive and can have it ready for dad’s birthday. Will surround it with daffodils.
The words brought tears as I wrote it on the order form “Strong, Steadfast and Loyal”.
I have an outdoor lantern and candle above it so as I have no ashes this is my memorial and private space with him.
Tomorrow is 11th, six months since my precious Mum passed and I just cannot believe it. I am in tears tonight as it is so hard to accept.
I look back and remember the weeks before she passed and how I kept on hoping she would turn a corner and stay with me just a little longer. This time last year Mum was ok living at home quite well with carers support. We had no idea what March 2017 would bring and how much of her we would lose.
I miss her so much it hurts. I know I have to carry on and I am coping pretty well but that feeling of loss is still immense. She would not want me to be miserable but at times I just cannot block out the sorrow. Mum was my total hero and life inspiration for so many reasons and I have to live on to make what she did worthwhile.
Mum had my brother in 1958 and then had a pregnancy that ended in a stillbirth. She was told not to have another pregnancy as she was not able to so she adopted me in 1963. I have always been accepted as part of the family and she loved me very much - she and my dad (who died in 1985 when I was just 21) gave me everything and made me the person I am.
Not having either here with me now is tough. I don’t feel old enough to be on my own (I am 54!) as we all need our parents.
In floods of tears as I just wish I could have my mum back for one more day …
Thinking of you Caroline, you e clearly coped incredibly well and I’m sure your mum would be so proud of you. Let the tears flow, you know we are all here for you, I hope I can have your strength the next few months xx hugs xx
My lovely mum was called Dorothy and I do indeed have the first anniversary coming up on the 16th. Thank you for noting it and marking it. It means a lot to me. Lyn, I loved your summation of your Dad - strong, steadfast and loyal. It would describe my mum too.
Ann, your situation is horrible but there will come a time when you will treasure every precious second no matter how gruelling it is now. Watching my mum last year gave me a great insight into desperation - clinging to hope when there really isn’t any and being selfish and trying to preserve life when the quality of that life is so poor. I now know never to expect desperate people to act rationally. But your story of the in-laws actually made me smile - at least it was your husband who had to listen to the mindless drivel.
I hope those of you who have work on Monday manage to get some rest over the weekend.
Caroline
I couldn’t go to bed without replying to your post. Your suffering is so intense - I have so much respect for you for loving your mum so much. How often I have too wished to be able to turn back time and have my mum back.
Your mum seems to have been a generous amazing woman. I know she wouldn’t want you to grieve but your grief is a tribute to her.
Thinking of you today and feeling your sorrow and heartache. 6 months is still early days and the more we love the bigger the impact of our loss. We will always miss our parents they were our world, our foundation, our safety/security and nobody in the world can love us like a parent. No matter what age we are we will always feel alone without them. I am 58 and feel the same as you. Nothing can prepare any of us for when they leave us let alone having to accept it.
Your mum would be so proud of you Caroline for the way you are coping and for the love you gave her and all that she meant to you. I hope today brings some comforting thoughts and happy memories for you too.
Tears are healing Caroline so just let them flow when you need to release them. Those tears are the love you hold inside your heart.
I will raise a glass of wine this evening to Irene Amelia your wonderful mum and to you for being a wonderful daughter.
Lucy I shall be thinking of you tomorrow too. Time feels like an enemy at these points of remembrance as such early days for both of us to grasp the enormity of such loss.
As I look outside at nature, I feel spring is in the air, buds and shoots and leaves starting to grow and that growth represents re-birth and with that comes hope, new life, renewed energy and the neverending cycle of life.
Being a spiritual person, I believe there is life after death for us humans too. I think of dad on a new journey and a new re-birth free of suffering and being held back physically by a tired and weary body that eventually like everything cannot go on forever. His spirit and soul is free now in a place of joy and happiness.