Hi Lyn
Just wanted to reply to your point about the grief getting worse as time goes on. I hate realising it’s over a year since I saw my mum and I hate realising that in five years time it will be more than six years since I saw her, and so on and so on. Everybody’s grief is different but I think there are some elements of it that we all share. Great to have you to chat to.
Love
Marigold
XXX
Hi Marigold
Such true words. I still feel like it’s all a bad dream. I realise too that I have to accept not only losing dad but that part of me left with him as I am just not the same person I was. Everything feels different and it’s hard work just getting through each day. I go to bed each night and look at dad’s photo next to me and wake up the next morning and for one split second I think he is still here and then it hits me. I would just love to hear his voice again. I am thinking of going to see a spiritual medium (church type one) as I am so desperate to know he is ok and exists in an afterlife if that makes sense?
Yesterday I opened the curtains to check if it had snowed again and there was a robin perched on a tree branch overlooking my lounge window and I felt such a sense of peace. I do believe in an afterlife as I am a spiritual person but I just have to know for sure hence the medium.
Hope you are ok my lovely?
Hugs
xxx
I am going to organise for us all somehow to meet up in the summer as I’m certain our parents have sent us each other as we have become links in an unbreakable chain
xxx
Hi Lyn,
I find the grief comes in waves and some are like a tsunami! It is all so unpredictable and one day I am coping the next I am not.
I think we do all go back to the beginning at times. The pain, the loss, the total sorrow that it really was the end of that person on this earth - tough concepts and a challenge for all of us.
We all want to turn back the clock but sadly we cannot. So, we have to find ways to cope and look forward as well as back. I don’t have the answers to what this looks like but I am certain that we will all get there in our own ways. This group gives me the confidence to bare all and be honest about not coping - thank you one and all.
The suggestion of a plant for Mum on Mother’s Day was a great one. The flowers on it are growing well and opening up - beautiful purple colour which Mum loved. It is a reminder of her spirit and her beauty for me - I miss her every day, and it hurts, but nature has a way of trying to help us heal.
You will find a way, and you will be ok. Our parents ensured that but we just need time to cope.
Sending love,
Caroline xxx
Hi Lyn,
That would be just awesome. Our parents are looking down on us and willing us to be ok.
Caroline xxx
Hi Caroline
.
Thanks for your words of positivity and you are right in what you say but I myself have personally learnt that I don’t actually want to cope. It’s what I thought I needed to do but my reality is I want to feel my loss and I want the pain to be there because it’s the only feeling that acknowledges my dad was real and existed in this world. My melt down was a lesson to me that I was actually trying too hard to cope and love is a feeling, not a coping mechanism. It’s hard to explain because we are all unique and grief is individual but I am happy to say I’m not coping because I would be sad and disappointed if I was. My coping strategy went out the window when dad passed.
I will live on is a better term for me but that is a physical fact but my life will never have the same meaning again because it can’t. I needed to acknowledge this and I see my melt down as a truth of who I am and the unconditional love that can never be replaced.
xxxx
This is why I posted that I couldn’t do this anymore it was because I didn’t want to cope, I wanted the world to know what my dad meant to me and only my pain can understand that, not the world. I hope I am making sense?
Hi Lyn,
Yes, I do understand and I will always try to support you in your life whatever way that develops.
We are all different and we need to embrace that in every way that we can. The concept of coping, or not, also makes sense to me - I totally admire you for your honesty, as always. You help me think through my own grief and my responses - thank you for helping me to understand that we do not need to follow society’s conventions.
I think I have fallen into the trap of coping because we are expected to. I am ‘ok’ but feel as if someone has actually removed part of my heart. Maybe if we were all more open about not coping we would feel better !
You just do what feels best for you. We are all right here with you.
Caroline xxx
Lyn,
You are making perfect sense.
Just keep on talking to us on here and we will do our best to support you.
Caroline xxx
Society on a whole tells us to fix things and cope and follow a process and life goes on and that’s why we are all on here in the first place searching for an outlet because we don’t want to be fixed and follow procedures, we are feeling pain and not able to cope and we need to express that pain and sometimes do away with the niceties and tell it how it is without any judgement or politeness. Our worlds fell apart and death is ugly, terrifying and life changing. I do need support and I do need to express but most of all I need to be heard and all of you do that and I cannot thank you enough and I hear you all too whether it’s good, bad, ugly, whatever, I hear your heart, I hear your pain and I hear your love
xxxxx
1 Like
So well expressed Lyn - thank you again for being so open and honest. Our losses are brutal and being able to talk about it and vent is essential.
We will get through this together and be ok.
Caroline x
I am done with the response of I’m ok when anybody asks me how I am because that is denying my feelings for my dad and what he meant to me. Someone today said to me how are you? I paused and said I lost my dad and I am devastated…response back: oh it will get easier in time…my response: no it won’t he was my dad so how will it get easier? awkward silence but in that moment I acknowledged what my dad means to me not what people want to hear…that for me is a step forward
xxx
I am done with the response of I’m ok when anybody asks me how I am because that is denying my feelings for my dad and what he meant to me. Someone today said to me how are you? I paused and said I lost my dad and I am devastated…response back: oh it will get easier in time…my response: no it won’t he was my dad so how will it get easier? awkward silence but in that moment I acknowledged what my dad means to me not what people want to hear…that for me is a step forward
xxx
I am also a parrot that repeats posts lol!
xxx
Hahaha x
1 Like
Well done - being assertive in your opinions is a good thing and important. Life will never be right again - I can acknowledge that on here which helps me massively as if I say this to family and friends it just worries them.
Xxx
Caroline my dad would be rolling his eyes now and laughing saying “Lyn you have made your point now go and have a break and cup of tea” ha!ha!
Hahaha, my mum would say ‘don’t make a fuss dear’ !!!
I never had the heart to tell him but he was exactly the same lol
It’s funny how they never recognised their own traits in us lol!