Your canvas sounds really lovely. The one thing nobody can take from you is the fact you had a wonderful mum so looking at your pictures will hopefully remind you of how lucky you were to have her and how she has made you how you are. Xx
Hi Lyn, Marigold and everyone else too.
I totally get everyone finding other people hard to deal with. I used to be the person organising get togethers with friends and now I am the one permanently making excuses. I can’t be bothered talking about anything other than my mum and dad so it makes it easier just not seeing people than being irritated by rubbish small talk. I feel very let down by some people who I have been there for in the past and now I bearly even get a text from. The way I see it is it is their loss. One day I won’t be so wrapped up in things but I also won’t be there to pick up their pieces either. I truly see the world in black and white now. Selfish people and kind people. Stuff the selfish people is what I say. Life is too short to bother with them anymore.
I guess that is a positive from all this. I am a lot more decisive!
Thank you all for being on the “kind people” side.
Not been able to post for a while due to other stuff getting in the way - but I have read all the messages.
My son has been home from university for a week now and life has been somewhat hectic. It is good having him home.
I have been packing too - we are off to Lanzarote on Thursday morning - which always takes me ages! I am looking forward to a break but it brings back memories (again) as this time last year we went to Lanzarote but Mum was still alive.
We arranged family to visit as she had only just gone into the home and we went up to see her the day before we went to spend some time with her. Then when we got back I went to collect her and she came to stay here for a few days.
That was the last time Mum ever came here and she had a lovely time. I have happy memories but I am so sad that she is not coming to stay in a week or so. These ‘firsts’ seem never ending at the moment !!!
So apologies for being an absent friend but I have been thinking of you all. I will be on WiFi next week and have more time to post too !!
I will reply to individual messages when I can and I send you all lots of love.
Hope you have a nice holiday in Lanzarote and wishing everyone a good Easter break. I am off to the Lake District to be at one with nature and to restore some well needed energy.
Thinking of our parents at this special time of the year as always and for always.
My dad loved chocolate and his Easter eggs so I will be buying one for him as I have always done (even though I will be eating it)
I love the Lakes as did my mum - she often went there on trips to Windermere and other places. I hope you have a good time and feel refreshed. Our aim is to do little but we enjoy walking along the extensive seafront promenade so we will do that I am sure.
My mum always bought me an Easter egg - Cadbury’s buttons - so hubby has bought me one this year.
Like you I am thinking of everyone on here and their parents.
Hope the Easter break has been kind to you all. I am back and feeling a bit more rested and relaxed. The weather was cold and wet but the scenery always beautiful whatever the weather conditions. Had a nice peaceful time but realise no matter where you are it doesn’t change anything or make it better. Everywhere I went I still missed my dad and there is no hiding or escape from that and although it hurts and is hard, I want to “feel” him wherever I am and I am beginning to accept that, good or bad. All I have now is memories and I want them to accompany me all the time. Some are good, some are sad but they are what they are and they are part of me and that is a double edged sword but one I accept.
Walking helped with the constant anxiety I have so that was good in itself.
How is everyone? It has been quiet lately and I miss seeing and hearing from you all
Glad to hear walking in the Lake District helped your anxiety a bit.
I know what you mean about not being able to run away from missing your dad. I feel the same. Whatever distraction there is, it is still there.
I went to my lovely neighbours funeral last week and that was a body blow of reality again for me. It was a humanist service so very practical really but there were some words of comfort and it reminded me I have no choice but to deal with the cards I have been dealt with.
Holiday times are hard because they remind me of happier Easter times in the past with my mum and dad but life does have to go on. Somehow. Changed forever, but it does need to go on.
Are you coping any better now you are having help and not having to deal with the neverending exhaustion of you caring for your mum 24/7?
I now miss not having dad to look after. There is not only the huge void in my life now he is not here but not caring for him creates a feeling of another type of loss. If I am not distracted by work and I have time on my hands, I don’t know what to do with myself?
It will be 4 mths tomorrow and time is like quicksand, it feels like only yesterday but then feels forever. I am struggling with my belief system at the moment because I keep asking myself “where are you dad” as can’t comprehend how he doesn’t exist anymore and I am questioning the meaning of everything. Nothing like putting myself under this extra pressure when grieving but I want answers all the time and even though I will never get them because nobody can know what happens when we die I now am fixated on it! Hopefully it’s a phase that will pass.
I realised why I have had anxiety because a few days ago the floodgates opened out of the blue and it was because it had been building up and needed releasing. I felt crap at the time but it did ease the anxiety. They say tears are healing and it’s good to cry and I realised how appropriate that is. This such a hard journey we are on and I feel for all of us.
On a positive note nearly the weekend and hopefully some warmer days ahead
I can’t even begin to shed any light on the big questions you are grappling with. I heard a physicist argument about death once that intrigued me. Energy can’t be destroyed so even the act of cremation releases heat which is energy etc. Too much for me to comprehend at the moment… but it was an interesting take on reincarnation.
I would call myself a Christian but I don’t go to church. The vicar that has been going to see my mum is a very kind man though and I have felt comfort from him. I also find comfort and an understanding about being part of a bigger “thing” from being in nature and also yoga. Yoga helps me focus on the here and now rather than the past or the future so that makes a change!
I am relieved that my mum is in the nursing home now. She is more settled than she was at home but it is still so hard to see, even though I don’t have the full on caring responsibitites anymore. The cancer in her brain has completely changed her personality. She is so demanding now and was always the most selfless person before. It’s just to cruel that I have to lose her personality first.
Physically she is in pain, immobile and now leaking everywhere as her lymph nodes are packing up. It is so horrid to watch. A dog would not be left to suffer like this.
I find tears do help. Today the man in the post office was kind to me…He knew my mum and dad…so I promptly burst out crying at the front of a long line of customers. Aqward! Probably more so for him than me as I’ve just got used to a wet face and smudges of mascara everywhere now… anyone seen a white pierot clown with smudgy eyes? That’s me!
Hi Lyn and Ann
It was so good to read that you too are asking yourself these big questions about the meaning of life and life after death. Mum, after not having gone to church for years, wanted to see a priest in the weeks before she died and she received the last rites twice in the lead-up to her death. Seeing what comfort it seemed to bring to mum, I too have tried to find faith and I would call myself a rather wobbly Christian who doesn’t go to church. I have started reading the Bible every day and whether or not you believe in God or an afterlife it has a lot to teach us about being kinder to people and being less judgemental. But if we’re not going to be re-united with our loved ones it seems a bit useless being here and loving them in the first place. I agree - sometimes it all gets a bit too much to comprehend.
Ann, your mum’s suffering is cruel. In the last few weeks of mum’s life I was praying she would live but when it came to those last couple of days I was praying she would die. It’s horrible. At least you know she is receiving better physical care than you could probably have given her, and if you’re less physically exhausted yourself you’re probably better able to provide the love and emotional support she needs. I’d tell you to hang in there but you don’t have a lot of choice. The new, trying to have faith, me is praying for you and your mum. I don’t know if it does any good - I hope it does.
Lyn, I’m not sure it gets much easier as time passes. My mum died 59 weeks ago today - I still keep count. I would feel I was betraying her if I didn’t.
As well as good night, sleep tight I am going to say “God Bless”.
Marigold
XXX
Holiday flew by, as it always does. We had a good time and the sunshine did cheer me up. I did read most posts whilst away but chose to not post as I wanted time to gather my thoughts.
The one thing that hit me, and I think it was Lyn that said this too, is that where ever we go the feeling of loss goes with us. I did enjoy my holiday also evoked memories of last year when we went away and Mum was still alive. Last year we spent the day before we flew with Mum up in Wolverhampton as she has just been in the nursing home for a week or so. Then when we got home I went to collect Mum and she came to stay here with us for a week. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last time she set foot in our house and the conservatory that she loved.
There were lighter moments too - I wear mum’s engagement ring constantly and we were in the swimming pool last week. My mum could not swim and was nervous around water so it raised a smile when I said that this was probably the first time her ring had been in a swimming pool. Also, I have my glass bead with some of mum’s ashes on all the time too so part of Mum went swimming too !
I suppose the one thing that going on holiday taught me is that it makes no difference where I am, my thoughts are still the same. Maybe I will feel ‘better’ once the ‘firsts’ have stopped but they never will really. There are always firsts that we will want to share with our lost ones so maybe that comfort will never come.
I really want to be more upbeat about life but I just don’t feel it. I had a couple of meltdowns on holiday (probably made worse by being on all inclusive with my favourite gin included !!!) as it is still just so raw. On the 11th it will be 8 months and it does not seem to be getting any easier.
However, generally day to day is better. I find that work distracts me well - although as a teacher I am on school holidays at the moment - and I am starting to show my Clumber puppy this weekend as she is now 6 months old. Onwards and upwards …
I will reply to some individual posts too as there are a few that have struck a chord with me.
Pleased you had a nice break, think we all need one after what we are all going through.
I am relieved I am not alone in processing so many thoughts around our parents death. I also hope I am not causing anyone any distress by discussing it
I have always had faith in God, although more spiritual than Christian and never had a reason to question what I believe in but I am now finding nothing makes sense? I can’t get my head around how dad has just ceased to exist and I feel I have to know where is he? I want to know I will see and be with him again in the spirit world but not knowing is something nobody can answer and it just feels like an added loss on top of loss if that makes any sense?
I am existing and functioning but have no purpose and it is like the world has no colour anymore. As time is going by I am not finding any of it any easier. If I don’t cry for weeks I end up with anxiety building up and a need to release it. If I cry I have to control it or else I would make myself Ill. There is no way to avoid any of my feelings as they are becoming a constant. The only thing that stops it temporarily is work and then even that becomes tiring.
I am also now feeling angry that I can’t control the effect this is all having on me. It truly is an awful place to be. Maybe it is affecting me more because I have no other family, no partner and no children, I just don’t know.
Sorry I am being so negative as I am normally (or was) a very positive upbeat person. I hope this is a phase that will pass and I gain a bit more of a solid foundation.
I even feel sad when the sun shines and it is a bright day because it feels another “first” that dad is not here to enjoy. I think all we can do is keep hanging in there hoping the few good days turn into more and more good ones.
Hi Lyn
Just to let you know I keep googling and searching trying to find really intelligent people who believe we’ll meet up with our loved ones in an afterlife. Was very disappointed that Stephen Hawking was an atheist but youtube has people like cardiac surgeons who believe in an afterlife. I’m desperate enough to seek out the ones who re-enforce what I want to believe and dismiss the rest.
Amazed that I am reduced to doing this. I think before mum died I would have seen anyone like me as pathetic.
I am so glad I am not on my own with these thoughts. I have become a bit obsessed with it lately.
A few days before my dad passed he was rambling and incoherent and kept calling out the name of his aunt and it comforted me as I believed that she was with him and come to help him pass, I mentioned this to a friend but they said it was hospital delerium so that’s when I started questioning everything. I have even contemplated going to a spiritual church to have a spiritual medium give me a reading but am scared in case I don’t receive any signs that dad is in the spirit world. I think it’s probably too early yet as it’s all still too raw.
Hope you are ok? Have you thought about going to church?
Hi Lyn
It was good to read your post. I’ll tell you my experience with mum.
In the last couple of weeks before mum died she would talk about wanting to go home. I thought she was talking about going back to London where she was born and brought up. In the last couple of days she kept asking when she could go home and then kept calling out for her mum. Apparently my grandfather (mum’s dad) talked about wanting to go home when he was dying. Perhaps it’s wishful thinking but if this is merely hospital delirium as your friend suggested why are all these delirious patients talking about essentially the same thing? Gives you something to think about.
I’m not sure I would be in favour of visiting a medium. I think it might raise even more questions for you and unsettle and disturb you even more if you don’t get the answers you are hoping for. Even if you get some answers you’re going to start tormenting yourself with new questions like what if the medium was a fraud or was trying to be kind and only giving you the answers you wanted to hear.
In answer to your question about going to church, I have definitely tried to seek God since mum died and think my faith is a little less wobbly than it was. So I suppose I would call myself a wobbly Christian even though I don’t go to church. And this wobbly Christian will say a wee prayer for you at bedtime in the hope that it might bring you some comfort.
Love
Marigold
X
You have read my thoughts exactly! So good for someone to understand this. Thank you.
When my dad was in hospital the man in the next bed to dad asked the nurse to put his shoes on (he had dementia but was very lucid when he asked this) the nurse said to him you don’t need your shoes because you are in hospital and he replied that he needed his shoes because he was going to a funeral tomorrow and the nurse asked him whose funeral was he going to and he replied “my own”. He died that evening just a few days before my dad.
I have avoided the medium for the same reasons you have given and I am hoping in time I will stop asking myself all these questions and just believe what I always had in the past.
I say my prayers to god every night and you are all in my prayers
Hi Lyn
Thanks for telling me about the old man wanting his shoes. It really is hard to dismiss so many of these accounts as hospital delirium. It you know of any more then please pass them on.
I felt better for reading your post. Perhaps our prayers are helping.
Love
Marigold
X
My take is similar to many of the points you make on the afterlife. There are too many accounts of people saying things that hint at something else to not make it a curious topic for us all.
Apparently my Grandma said to my mum “don’t worry” about where she was going just before she died. She had a deep faith and my mum got comfort from that forever more. She has said it to me, but it has not had the same calming effect…
When I was with my dad as he died, I can’t explain it properly but it was as if he waited for me to rush home to say “I love you Daddy” then he just released himself. I felt as if he was no longer attached to his body but he somehow released into the air, over my left shoulder and through the bathroom window. Don’t judge! I know it sounds like a nutter talking now but the experience made me realise how separate your soul and body are. If your soul lives on in a separate debate I guess.
I personally have no time for mediums Lyn as I feel they prey on people at a vulnerable time but that is just a personal opinion.
It is so nice to be able to chat to people having similar thoughts and questions though.