Don’t worry. I knew what you meant. Yes, my dad died this time last year. Thankyou for remembering. About now I was holding his hand telling him I loved him as he took his last breath.
I visited my mum today, as I do everyday, and she was upset as she felt lonely and there is simply nothing I can do to help. She’s said she doesn’t know why she is still here and hates the situation. It is so hard that I am almost numb to it now. How can the last year have turned out like this? Literally blow after blow after blow.
I’m thankful my dad didn’t see this year. He wouldn’t have dealt with seeing my mum deteriorate so slowly and agonisingly and now her mental state being so confused. She puts on a bit of an act for other visitors but I get it both barrels. We were ment to be doing nice things together to help us get over the tremendous loss of my dad but instead I am watching her die an undignified and relentless death.
Sorry to go on. I knew today would be hard but I just feel so sad that I can’t mourn my dad in the usual way as I’m too busy dealing with the process of losing my mum. Let alone having my new gallbladder saga to deal with, a business to run and a 6 year old.
Ok. That’s enough woe is me. I’m so thankful for this forum as a safe place to get it all off my chest. Thanks Lyn for taking the time to remember.
I haven’t had a drink for nearly 3 weeks as I’ve been ill but tonight I will certainly be raising a glass to a very special man who I miss dearly.
In tears reading this as you are having to go through so much heartache and pain. There are no words to describe any of it. There is not much in the way of release either. Your dad would be so proud of you Ann and he is at peace now and not suffering.
You are a wonderful daughter and your parents could not wish for more.
All you can do for your mum is just be there. She knows you love her and that’s all that’s needed
What a difficult time you are having and coping with your loss of your dad and the situation with your mum while having been to hospital yourself. Just keep taking things day by day. Today will have been such a tough day for you. Xxx
How is everyone doing? Missing my mum. It feels like everything is on hold and I have no idea what I should be doing anymore. Has anyone managed to do anything nice over the weekend? Xxx
I feel the same as you about everything being on hold and I still can’t believe I won’t see dad again, it feels like he has gone away for a bit. The permanency still is too much to take in.
I am trying to keep busy especially getting out in the sun to recharge my batteries as I have felt so tired and rundown.
I hope everyone is ok as not seen any posts for a while now especially from Caroline, Lucy and Marigold?
I am still hoping that we can all arrange to meet up?
I can’t travel so was hoping as I am in Birmingham and it’s central to anywhere we could arrange a meet near to the NEC. Let me know what all your thoughts are on this? Is it something you all want to do? Or any suggestions?
HI All
Just thought about you all and as I’m off I’ve no excuse not to drop you all a line and say hello and hope everyone is ok?
Oh Ann, I really feel for you, you are being taken over by health and it’s awful to read. You must be one tough lady is all I can say to still be managing as you are. Is there an update on you having the op? It’s stressful enough without being unwell yourself. Yes I think you are being tested but I hope (and it’s what I hope for myself after 20 years of agro, hell and constant health whether it’s been me, my dear mum or animal health issues) that the second half of my life will be better - it won’t in lots of ways because my Mum’s not in it but she didn’t do all she could for me for me to let her down now otherwise everything she strove for will have been for nothing so I’ve promised myself and more importantly her that I will continue somehow. Do you know today I was in a changing room and heard the people in the next changing room ‘I’m in the changing room with Mum’ is that I really heard from them and it hit me. I was ok but you know when you just notice something. Although I was out shopping all I really wanted today was to be shopping with Mum. It’s not something we’d been able to do for years but having her there would have been so nice. How is your mum doing Ann - I’ve seen the updates but it must be so hard to watch a gradual decline. I am so pleased (although feel terrible saying it) that mine was so quick as I really don’t think I’d cope as well as you. The final 36 hours nearly sent me crazy and I sat there thinking I really don’t know how much more of this I can mentally take so I commend you for still being such a fantastic daughter - you will not regret any of it believe me and that will give you so much comfort in the long run. I still keep reliving the last moments but knowing I was there and knowing that mum knew I was there after 6 hours prior to her passing she must have gathered everything in her system to tell me she loved me albeit it slurred post stroke condition. Love her to bits. Glad you got through the one year for your dad, do you know a friends wife said to me the other week when she asked me what I was doing for my birthday - I said nothing as it’ll be 9 months to the day for Mum - and she replied with ‘it’s not like it’s a year’. Speechless - and this from someone who lost her mum two years ago. Oh and strangers always give the best comfort - not like some of my a**** of friends! Excuse my language but really seeing true colours of people again and basically I’m just going to please myself from now on!!!
Lyn are you finding the counselling a help or is it a bit up and down? How are you now all these months on? I can’t believe it’s 6 for you and 5 for me - where the hell has the time gone??? In some ways it feels like yesterday and other ways it feels like over a year ago. It’s just sad. Have you been getting out and about much?
Jayne - yes I feel the same - I just feel lost. My best friend feels like they’ve been ripped away from me. Well she has. And gradually the friends are disappearing one by one! Jog on is my response now! Has the better weather made you feel any better?
Sorry I’ve not been on or checked this for a while but I’ve had so much going on that I can’t keep up with it all. Mums house was let within 8 days and now tenants move in next week so sorting that and working has been ridiculous as I’ve been doing lots of weekends too.
Hope Caroline and Marigold are ok too, much love, xxx
I am back! Sorry to not have posted for so long but life has been so hectic and I just did not have the energy to post or keep up with posts. I suffer from chronic fatigue at times which I originally got from a bout of shingles. Most of the time I am ok but if I am stressed I can get incredibly tired and I cannot function too well for a while - I manage work and the basics but sleep for the rest of the time.
I hope everyone is ok - I have not read many posts as I have been exhausted but I hope to catch up now I am feeling a bit better.
So, I am now 9 months on from losing mum and approaching the first birthday without her - 14th June. I would usually be looking for that perfect card now. I am coping better but have days when it really hits me.
The other thing that has affected me recently is that my brother has not been able to buy mum’s house off me so we have had to put it on the open market. I had got used to the idea that he would be taking the house on so that we were not really saying goodbye to our family home just yet.
Now we are facing a sale to an unknown person and it is so stressful. I am aiming to go back to the house for the first time since I left last August at the end of this month to have a final clear out and say my goodbyes. Mum had lived in the house since it was built in 1958 so no one else has ever lived there. It feels such a wrench to say good bye but we have no choice.
Apart from that most things are going ok. I have found the onset of some nicer weather has boosted my mood a lot.
Anyway, must go for now. I think of all of you every day whether I post on here or not. You have been my saviours and I hope to be back contributing more again now.
Lucy. So nice to hear from you and your comments. I don’t know about me being strong. I’ve just got no choice. I get what you mean about a**** friends. I have some too, but its their loss. I just figure that I probably won’t be there as much as I could be when they need me. I’m simply going to spend lots of time with kind people in the future and the selfish lot can get on with their own lives.
My mum is not good at all. They are messing around with her drugs but they are wondering whether it is terminal agitation. She is even more demanding since I was in hospital. She would usually be worried about me but her personality has changed so she just keeps saying things like she can’t believe I won’t stay with her longer. I go to see her every day. Most of the time she is confused but then she begs me to come back later. I have to look after myself though so after a full year dropping absolutely everything for her, I just hope I don’t feel guilt at the end.
Hi Caroline. Sorry to hear about the house. I get how emotional that is. My mum’s house has been empty for a couple of months now. She wants me to move in and I possibly will but I don’t want it to be a morseleum to my childhood. On the other hand, I feel safe there. I think longer term we will move there but after doing some building work to put our stamp on it. I bet a weight will be lifted off your shoulders when it does get sold though. I guess as Lucy says we have no alternative but to move on positively in the name of our parents.
I’m waiting for second op now to remove the stent in my bile duct. Fun fun fun …I’m desperately looking up home cures for gall stones so I don’t have to have my gallbladder out too. If you know of any, let me know!
Hi Ann,
Was sad to read your mum may have terminal twitching, if it is that its not the most pleasant motion to have to witness but they say that they may be thinking of lots of different things. I really hope you’re ok right now. Here if you need me and checking this now more regularly x
Tough day. My mum slept most of the day. She is no longer eating and hard to understand but no longer agitated and seemed comfortable. She said over and over how much she loved me and I told her how proud I am of her and how much I love her and always will.
My husband brought my son briefly and he held her hand. She mustered enough energy to blow kisses back and forth to him while my heart broke watching.
I feel numb, sad and accepting all at once. My concern is now not knowing what to do about being with her all the time. The care home are great but obviously can’t tell me when it will be so I came home after spending the day with her but don’t know if that is the wrong or right thing to have done. She’s defied the odds all along so she could battle on for days or even weeks or slip away tonight. Nobody knows which is hard for a control freak like me. Well, a recovering one anyway, I lost control on life a year ago.
I can’t explain how nice it is to know you guys are there in the background. I soooo appreciate it.
Trust your instincts, once they are no longer here you can never get that time back and time at the end of life is precious, not just for you but for your mum. My advice is just be there, whatever it takes. Stopping eating is a sign that time is limited.
This is your mum Ann and everything else in life can wait or be resumed, your mum can’t. Don’t debate it just be there.
Your mum is saying her goodbyes, they know when it’s time so if you want to be there don’t contemplate or seek approval because believe me it will live with you forever. Be there Ann and let her know you are ok and it’s ok for her to let go. We cannot turn the clock back so the present moment is all we have
Sending you lots of strength at this heartbreaking time. In the months to come you will go over and over these days. If you can be there with your mum as much as ever you can, as Lyn says you cannot turn the clock back after. I know you have your son to look after and you will be exhausted but if the nursing home staff suggest you go home, dont just go because they have told you to, think about what is best for you and your mum and if that means staying with your mum, go along with thah if you are able to. You have come this far with all the amazing support you have given to your mum.
Xxx
I have been following your sadness over these messages and wanted to agree with others. Go with your instincts and stay with your Mum if you want to. She sounds such an amazing woman as do you, so loving and thoughtful. I am glad the agitation has stopped for your Mum as that is very distressing for you to see and her to experience. Not eating is a natural part of what happens. I used to feed my Mum when she was too weak to hold the fork or spoon and was told not to worry when she stopped.
These are grim times for you these last few days, I remember them having an almost dreamlike quality. The nursing staff will guide you through everything to expect. Just do what feels natural to you, sit with your Mum, hold her hand, tell her you love her. All the things you are doing already. Even if she doesn’t respond she will know you are there.
My heart is sore for you and I send you all good wishes.
As everyone has said just stay witb her. I slept on a deck chair most uncomfortable few hours ever but so worth it. I’m so sad for you to read your message. Yet you are still coping because you have no choice but to. And you will get through these next few weeks and we will all be here for you as you have been for us. My and Lyn’s 6 months is practically here and I can’t believe I’ve made it to be honest and you will too. Just stay with her no matter what anyone says she is your mum. I’d agree that the not eating is sadly a sign. So sad for you. But you’ll be so proud of yourself for everything you’ve done and your Mum will know everything you’ve done so nothing else matters, thinking of you xxx