Thank you for your advice and kind words. I stayed with her on a chair next to her bed since Saturday morning. She battled to the end which happened just before lunch today.
She suffered terminal agitation which was awful to watch but thankfully she was peaceful last night and this morning, settling every time I told her I was there.
The strangest thing happened though. All year since her diagnosis of 6 weeks… she has been planning and re planning her funeral and she was obsessed with making children part of it and having a party. Today there was a children’s carnival procession walking outside her care home. Litterally just before she died, the music began and we could hear it in her room. I told her about the procession and that was it, she died. I couldn’t help but smile that she had the biggest children’s party possible for her today in her honour.
I’m completely exhausted so no idea what I feel but thank you for being there everyone.
Oh Ann, my heart is crumbling for you. You have been amazing you really have and your Mum will have known it right to the end to. I think you must be in that state of just shock and exhaustion right now. I think I was just in a daze wondering how the hell id gotten through what I’d been through the last few days. The agitation was horrible but sounds the same as mine it stopped well calmed dramatically for the last 24hrs. I wish we learnt about it before it happened as it may make it a little easier but when you don’t know about it it’s just awful. When they told me she’d be playing out various situations in her mind it made it a little easier but before that I kept asking them to drug her up. But they explained and I understood better so they calmed it but didn’t stop it until it naturally stopped. Trust me this place on here will hopefully give you comfort and understanding and I’m so pleased you joined when you did as I only came on a few days before Mum
Passed but this little group has been amazing. We all have good days and bad days and time away from it but it’s a sanctuary that’s always there whether it’s one person or a lot. Please make sure you’re eating or if not eating drinking lots of sugary coke to keep you going. Yes you are a Mum too but you’re also a daughter so try and take some time for yourself. I just can’t bekiebe I’m talking to someone who’s right now going through that toughest day ever.
How strange with the children, almost like she knew hey. I think you’ll begin to notice things now and about the last few months that have happened and think about the meaning behind them.
So pleased you stayed, my dad told me to go home the night before Mum died and I am sooooo pleased I ignored him but I just knew it was the end, somehow you just do.
Please make sure you start thinking right now that you were there for her and right to the end, so many people aren’t or don’t ir can’t, it’s a very sad privilege to be there in that way but one I think we are all so very grateful to have had. Who else would I or Mum have wanted with my her the last few days- no one just me and I’ll hang onto that forever as will you for knowing you couldn’t have done anymore.
Will check in later, try and rest now yourself and come to terms with what’s happened. Easier said than done I know.
Hi Ann
There are no words that can describe this moment. My heart goes out to you. Dad too had terminal agitation and I just remember feeling so helpless and scared. Then I was relieved he was no longer suffering, followed by numbness and complete exhaustion both mentally and physically.
You did everything you could Ann right up to the very end. Your mum and dad would be so proud of you.Your mum is at peace now.
I know how hard this is to do but try and get some rest and make sure you have got plenty of support around you. I am here if you need to vent, talk, let out what you are feeling. We are all a close group so I think I say that from all of us.
The children’s carnival procession was a wonderful moment for your mum to take with her and a lovely memory for you to have.
Hi Lucy
I cannot believe it will be 6 months coming up. I feel like time is going by so fast. It is also my birthday the next day on the 7th and I am dreading it, yet another first. The first birthday without my dad and the following week it’s Fathers Day.
I have been crying again recently as I just feel so sad. I can go for a few weeks and then it all hits me over again. I find it hard to recall memories of dad from the past, all my memories are recent ones, i.e last few years. This upsets me but I can only think I am blocking them out while my brain is trying to deal with everything.
What can I say but the usual I am sorry. You were with your Mum however and that is something so special, a privilege as Lucy says. Being with someone to see them through their last moments on this earth is a wonderful and very private experience. Your Mum got to go with a children’s’ carnival passing by as well.
I am deeply sorry you had to see the terminal twitching again. I wish there was some way people could be told more about that as it is awful to see. I didn’t know that about the playing of different situations until reading Lucy’s message. I just thought my Mum was having fits.
For me it is two years today since Mum collapsed on Whitsun Monday and I found out a few days later she was terminally ill. For the next few weeks I am going to be reliving it all over again. It is like a wound with a scab that gets knocked off at intervals and the pain restarts again.
I wish you well for the next few days which are going to be very difficult. Rest when you can, eat something - little and often if that works for you, keep hydrated as well. All things you have been told before but really important. Being told to eat really annoyed me until I understood the importance. I was like a limp rag the days I ate hardly anything and had no energy for dealing with the important things that had to be done.
Hi all
The terminal agitation as it’s called really bothered me as nobody told me about it . I hadn’t a clue what was happening to dad and had to Google it after dad had passed and there is so many different answers. I understood it to be the body shutting down and lack of oxygen to the brain or medication. It still bothers me that I have no proper answers. My dad when he went into hospital was as mentally sharp than most 20 year olds but soon after he literally became incoherent and rambling. I couldn’t understand a word and it literally destroyed me and I thought it was the medication. Knowing dad couldn’t speak in his final days and that horrible restlessness still keeps me awake 6 mths later.
If anyone has experience of what is happening to someone going through this I would really like to know.
Hi all
The terminal agitation as it’s called really bothered me as nobody told me about it . I hadn’t a clue what was happening to dad and had to Google it after dad had passed and there is so many different answers. I understood it to be the body shutting down and lack of oxygen to the brain or medication. It still bothers me that I have no proper answers. My dad when he went into hospital was as mentally sharp than most 20 year olds but soon after he literally became incoherent and rambling. I couldn’t understand a word and it literally destroyed me and I thought it was the medication. Knowing dad couldn’t speak in his final days and that horrible restlessness still keeps me awake 6 mths later.
If anyone has experience of what is happening to someone going through this I would really like to know.
My mum was trying to get up when the agitation was at its worse. She was calling out to her brother who had already died and my dad along with people who were still alive for help. It was awful to see but my take on it is that she was desperate for help to take her on her journey away from suffering but also distressed to be leaving me and this world. In a weird way, I think it is nice that she was so strong that she had fight in her to the end and didn’t give in without a fight.
I told her to stop fighting, that I knew she would always love me and I would her. I even told her to go and watch the children’s procession and for once she listened to me. I also told her that a life well loved is a life well lived so she had done what she needed to do here. My mum’s certainly was a life filled with love.
I know I will slip under a tide of grief any minute but for now I feel at peace that I helped her for a year on the hardest journey of all, as you all did for your parents.
I am spending more time reading and writing to you all than speaking to friends I have who live near so thank you again for rallying round just when I needed you all! Especially as it will be dragging up feelings for you too. I am absolutely convinced our parents would be proud of us for helping each other.
Hi Ann,
Glad you’re making use of the forum and reading over messages etc. It’s def a nicer place to be than talking to some fake friends! I’m sure you’ll have some who will be absolute rocks for you right now and they’re the ones who are true friends. I’ve had about three really solid and even they’ve done my head in at times but they’ve not given in or backed off even though I’ve been a nightmare at times! How have you been today? I’m so pleased you’re feeling proud of what you did, during the worst time ever you’ve done the right thing and I hope that will make things a Tony bit easier rather than looking back with regret and thoughts of if only I’d done this or that etc. I’m sure everyone has a few things and I wish I hadn’t been an absolute cow to mine three months before she died but that was one day so I try not to get too down about it as when she needed me I was there as were you. How lucky your mum was to have you there. I can’t remeber from all the posts but have you got brothers or sisters or any other family support (apart from husband)? Hope your in laws are stepping up now.
Can’t believe you’ve gone through this twice in a short time. Can’t imagine what that must be like. Good on your mum fighting away like that! The terminal agitation really isn’t nice to see and yet it seems to be very common and yet I’d never heard of it until it happened and until on here.
Hope you’re getting through the days ok and you’re bound to be exhausted now after such a long time caring. I had a week off two weeks ago and it was so strange to have so much free time. I’ve started my photography again when I go walking and Mum loves to see my pictures so I’m finding I’m finally winding down but it is odd. Cannot believe 6 months in a two weeks and then mums birthday the day after.
Can’t believe I’m on here either but so pleased I am!
Bless you I can’t believe we all have so many similarities on this group. Caroline said it’s her mums birthday on 14th, my mums is on 13th, your 6 months is on the 6th and your birthday is the next day and my mums birthday on 13th is one day after her 6 months on the 12th! Is that not all just a bit odd!
I know what you mean about going for weeks/days ok and then bang you’re off again. It’s only natural but can you believe we’ve made 6 months for the start of our messages?? I feel stuck at that point but also a million miles away. I just miss her so much.
Keep going Lyn, we are still all here somehow and our parents would want us to continue I’m sure so we must. Hope you are feeling a bit better today, xxx
I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe in synchronicity and that we were all bought together for a reason and that we all have a special connection. We are all on here tavelling the same path together but some at different stages, our group seem to know exactly where we are at. It’s so comforting. Have you heard from Caroline as you know when her mum’s birthday is. If you have please send her my love as I miss her on here and hope that she is ok? Marigold too. I am sure they have their reasons but hope they know I am thinking of them as I’m sure we all are.
Lucy I cannot believe it’s almost 6 months, time is going by so quickly and I am not able to process this. I am still very much pre dad but have to be dragged into post dad if that makes sense? It’s difficult to comprehend. It also makes me fear my own mortality. I miss dad so much and wish I could stop the clock but yes I am on a tidal wave that throws me backwards and forwards and I am just adrift floating aimlessly without an anchor. Keeping going is not negotiable but I just want to standstill at times and take in fully what has happened
xxx
I’m an only child Lucy. Makes it much harder and some ways easier I guess as I have no one to fall out with…
Saw my in-laws for first time today since my mum died on Monday. They are just awquard around me and chat about rubbish so I’ve already decided it won’t be them that I rely on. I’ll keep things pleasant but they have let me down so sod them!
My husband is very supportive and at the moment, my friends are keeping in touch well. I guess this is the easy bit for people to remember. I am sure many will disappoint me in the future but unless they have been through loss, then I guess they just don’t realise what support we need.
Today I picked up the death certificate and the bit that choked me up was when I had to say my mum was widowed…I never even got used to thinking of her that way as that phase of her life was over so quickly. As soon as my dad died, we talked about the holidays and activities she could finally do but then that was robbed away from us too as cancer took over.
I’ve been a bit worried today as I’ve not really been crying much since she died. I have been in a state of crazy anticipatory grief and stress for a year and I feel a mix of relief, pride, sadness and confusion as the moment. I’ve spent all year crying then when she dies, I just seem to be taking it in my stride. From your experience, do you think I will crash and burn soon?
Lucy, Lyn, you have done so well getting towards the 6 month mark. One day at a time…
Don’t worry about not crying much. You will. You are in shock and numbness takes over, no matter how much we anticipate the loss beforehand, nothing prepares you for that final moment when they leave us forever. Your mind and body are in protection mode while you process everything. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just let it happen without questioning it. Your brain has to accept what has happened and your heart so it all takes time.
Sending you lots of love and go easy on yourself
xxx
I am so so sorry to read that your mum passed away. Sorry I have not been posting much but I just have not felt able to for a while - will come back to that.
When my mum passed I did not cry or react that much - took it all in my stride - but it did hit me later on. Like you say it is the anticipatory grief that seems to dull the reaction.
I am approaching 10 months now and mum’s birthday on 14th June - house cleared etc. You will grieve in good time but for now the practicalities take over.
Thank you for asking after me - I have taken a break from posting but have been trying to read all the posts.
I have been struggling with the finality of selling mum’s house, her upcoming birthday and just life in general. Something in me just would not let me post on the group which is odd considering how much I have relied on it in the past.
I love this group and will be back on regularly now - and trying to offer support where and however I can.
The finality of selling your mum’s house will take a lot out of you emotionally and must be the hardest thing to do following her passing. It was your family home with all your childhood and life long memories and within that home was safety, security and protection.
Take care of you now, everything else is irrelevant and your mum would want you to prioritise you first.
Hi this is for everyone that I just wanted to share
I ended my counselling session last week and will explain why which I hope may help someone with their own thoughts and feelings about the loss of their parent.
The counsellor is a lovely lady and she listened, showed lots of empathy and was very understanding, gave me coping skills, etc, etc but one thing that stood out was during our last conversation she looked at me long and hard and said these words " your dad is gone now, no longer here, he is now part of your past so you now have to live your life" I didn’t know whether she was provoking a reaction to get me to open up but my reaction was an internal one. I resolved it would be my last session but what really hit home was to everyone in this world including her my dad doesn’t exist, he is a pile of ashes buried under the soil, he has no consciousness of who I am, or of his life or anything else. The past is just a memory. She is right (factually) but what I have learnt and also from this forum is everyone wants to know how to cope, how well we are doing and how we conform to what society expects of us. Life goes on, we adapt, we adjust and we are doing well. Maybe I break the mould but my dad existed to ME, when I look at a photo of my dad his eyes are reflecting back into my own eyes and I don’t need counselling or bench marks to how I should feel, cope, etc, etc. I want to feel the pain, I want to feel the sorrow, I want to feel everything that connected me to my dad. I want to continue a bond with him after his death. I don’t want to cope well. Griefis an outpouring of love that has nowhere to go and my grief is a mark of respect to my dad and who he is and nobody on this planet is going to take that from me and advice me how to cope.
I am my dad and he is me and that’s all I now need to know. I have now learnt the most important lesson in life is I have no need to seek answers or solace or advice but to simply flow like a river, neither resisting the flow or pushing it. Nobody can fix death or put a timeline or guage to a recovery process because there isn’t one.
I feel the same in most ways. I actually do not want to ‘get on with my life’ and my mum is not gone to me, she lives on in me. We are our parent’s future, we are what they put on Earth to carry them on after they leave us bodily.
I have come to realise that I will never get over losing my mum. I have learned to cope, my life does go on but it will never be the same. I am ok with this - not happy but ok as I have no choice.
Our grief is a sign of the deep loss we feel and, as you say, respect for our parents and all they did for us over the years. My grief is more private now - it is my way of communicating with my mum and telling her how much I love and miss her.
The journey is individual and personal - we have a right to choose how we travel.