Mum is dying

End of life
121

Hi Caroline

Hope you are ok and coping. Can’t believe you are on here if you have work tomorrow but then never would believe I would be either as I am normally in bed by 10pm (well used to be).

My friend had a ring from ashes to glasses and it’s a lovely idea as keeps your mum close. Unfortunately I can’t do any of that as my mother and brother have the ashes and obviously will not tell me where or what they are doing with them but I’m not too upset about that because they are not my dad. I had a shirt of his which I have made into a pillow and that gives me comfort but everyone is different, it’s what is personal to you.

Hopefully in time you may recall your mum’s voice as we have never had to remember them before as they have always been here so our brains after work now in the past tense which is a huge thing for us all to adapt to.

Hi Marigold,

Hope to speak soon and nice that you feel able to write how you are feeling and share it

xxx

122

Hi Lyn,

My body clock is still out of sync since Mum was poorly - I need to get it sorted but until then I survive on about 6 hours sleep a night!

I like your idea about the pillow - how lovely - and the daily journal to your dad.

I do sometimes recall mum’s voice but it is not clear. Maybe it will come back one day.

Take care,

Caroline
xxx

123

Hi Lucy,

Hope today went ok - I have been thinking of you.

Caroline
xxx

124

Hi Marigold,

Thank you for sharing your story with us - as you say the bond is our love for our mums and dads.

I love the idea of the hair - I wish I had taken a lock of mums hair but too late now. I do have the ashes though so I am ok about that. The DNA thing is odd isn’t it - just seems the last traces of a life that was loved.

It is hard for you with the anniversary of your mum’s passing approaching.

My mum was admitted to hospital in March 2017 due to kidney failure and they managed to stabilise her enough for her to leave hospital at the end of the month. She had to go into a nursing home as she was too unwell to go home alone.

My brother and I spent so much time trying to get Mum to eat and drink but she just ate and drank less and less. Four months later she left us - 11th August - but she was 96 so we were lucky to have her for so long.

My experience was similar to mine - told end of life on the Monday and she passed away early on the Friday morning. Tough times indeed.

I hope that you are ok and that you will continue to contribute to this thread as and when you feel able to. The experiences of other people do help us all so much.

Take care and sorry again for your loss.

Caroline
xxx

125

Hi All,
I was going to say it’s nice to see your messages but it really isn’t as I so wish none of us were on here but thank god we are!

Thank you all for asking. Today stared badly with Natwest as before I went in I thought I’d sort out mums account and the bereavement team said ‘pop into any branch’ so I popped into my local branch as ideal for work and they were so unhelpful and then said you need to make an appointment! Even thought there letter says they’ll be happy to help. I really wasn’t impressed.

Today at work I broke down as I knew I would when I walked in and then calmed down and was fine. Going to do the next two weeks part time and then I’m off for a week anywY and then I hope to be back fully Feb 5th. Feeling relieved as was a bit worried about it all but my manager has been brilliant & the team got up and hugged me when I walked in so it was nice but sad. What kept going through my head was last time I was here I had my Mum and I’m now walking in without my Mum. Ridiculous thought but that’s all I could think. When I was in the bathroom this morning I thought - Mum’ll prob text me in a minute to say good luck going back to work and then it dawned on me!

Only did half a day and got home and realised mums car insurance runs out tomorrow so I’ve bedn trying to sort that out as having to insure it as can’t have it just sitting there. So that’s taken ages and still not fully sorted as they quoted me an extra £600!!! Cheers Mum!!! But going to go for 3 months cover as I want to sell it anyway but changing log book details etc.

Overall work went well and I’m going to take it easy until I really get back and can get stuck in.

Have you got your mums ashes at home Caroline did you say? If so how do you cope having them with you? I want to get Mum but just feeling a little nervous but don’t want to leave her. I know it’s her remains but it’s just so final again - how many finals can there be! Death is final, funeral is final, collecting ashes is final! Love the pillow idea Lyn and how awful for you not to know about them. But you had more than they all had put together by the sound of things and no one can take the relationship you had with your dad away from you.

Hope you’re all ok and thanks for asking xx

126

Hi Lucy

Well done! You did it!

Your mum gave you all your coping mechanisms, that’s what parents do and they hope you go forward in life learning from them and the love and security they instill in us. Their job was done before they passed and that is the legacy a loving parent leaves us with.

There is no finality because they live on through us, we might not see it right now but we will. A parents love is like no other, their protection and guidance reaches beyond their death.

You will be fine with your mum’s ashes as you will treasure and protect them like she did you. Be proud of them Lucy not afraid.

You can go to bed tonight knowing how proud your mum is of you and she will want you to remember that lovely last smile she gave you because that is how she wants you to remember her.

There is so much love in grief that over powers it. This is what they want for us not this sorrow and misery.

Tomorrow is another day and again you will cope.

Get some sleep and thank your mum for being in your life and leaving you with so many blessings to be grateful for.

xxx

127

Hi Lucy,

I found some of the banks awful and so insensitive - so sorry that they upset you.

I am glad work was ok - I knew you would be ok but so nice that everyone was so supportive.

I have just a few of mum’s ashes with me - my brother went and got a small bag full for me so that I can get my glass charm made. Mum’s ashes as in her house - I found the idea of her ashes with me a bit hard to handle at first but it is another DNA connection as without being morbid, they do contain her DNA. Being honest, I want to keep some of the actual ashes for that very reason. When I got them I was so worried I would drop them !!!

Each to their own but I feel having your Mum back home may be comforting. Think it through and see what you think.

Take care - must go - son an uni having a bit of an issue so I need to speak to him.

Caroline
xxx

128

Hi Lyn,

Lovely words - thank you xxx

129

Hi All

How is everyone?

I have had a bad few days. Missing dad so much and feeling so sad that I am never going to speak to him or see him again. It seems like a lifetime ago. I just have a heavy heart.

I don’t think January is helping as it is so cold, wet and miserable but I don’t even want to think about the spring arriving as that reminds me of dad even more as he loved his gardening and would be out pottering around in his garden.

I miss my family home too and all the memories and knowing I can never set foot in there again is upsetting. I drive past most day’s as I live 5 minutes away and have to pass the house to get to the shops. I look up at my dad’s bedroom and imagine him lying there having a nice sleep. His car is still on the drive and that makes me feel so sad. He loved his car and driving out and about.

I was going back to work on Monday but just can’t face it so been signed off for another week. I know I have to go back as the longer I leave it the harder it will be. I just can’t see anything being normal anymore. It’s such a strange feeling.

I still cannot get my head around the fact they are there your entire life and suddenly gone, like they have vanished.

Well I wish I could have written a more cheerful and positive message but we have to be honest and truthful about what we are feeling.

Hope you are all having a better day

Love
Lyn xx

130

Hi Lyn,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. The time of year certainly does not help with the lack of daylight and sunshine.

Ironically I have been feeling quite down today and missing Mum - I just want to talk to her and receive her wisdom. It is so hard without them being here isn’t it?!

You have the other loss if your home and family - that is so tough to handle and I just cannot imagine it. However, I think your dad would be so proud of you as you are coping even with the extra burden. I know that you do not feel that you are coping but you are - toddy is a ‘down’ day but you will have ‘up’ days too.

I am sorry that you cannot face going back to work but I do understand. Normality has gone for ever and we all have to create our own tomorrows - whatever form that may take but that is your choice. Your dad will be with you whatever you choose to do - his love will follow you.

I am still struggling with the fact that Mum is no longer her after my whole life being able to depend on her. However we do have to let them rest - our parents have done their work for us and now we have to move forward. I find the moving forward hard but I have no choice - plus Mum would be cross if I ruined my life because she is not here. She would like the fact that she is missed - she was a very modest person - but would not want anyone to dwell on her passing.

So, we all remain in the ‘same boat’ but we are paddling our own courses. I hope that you can, in time, get comfort from the positive memories. We all understand and are thinking of you.

Caroline
xxx

131

Hi Both,
Snap is all I can say tonight-guessed we all may be struggling as we’ve not been on a few days. I’m feeling the same, really missing Mum badly - just keep looking at her picture on my wall and every day that comes I feel is another day away from her. I like you both can’t get my head around the fact I won’t even see her again.

Sorry you’re both struggling, we have each other for support which helps in not feeling so totally isolated.

Don’t worry about not going back to work Lyn, I’ve struggled this week even in half usual hours but I’ve also been reduced to tears by an insurance company this week so not felt great at all. Usually I’d be pretty thick skinned but all I was trying to do was get my dead mouthed cat reinsured and this cocky so & so started giving a lot of lip and even said ‘I’m telling you what the best deal is and I can’t be arsed what you cos it’s not my life and money I’ll be wasting’, I had a right go at him and put in official complaint but then disintegrated afterwards. I just can’t cope with anyone having a go at me at the moment without feeling upset.

Today at work I just couldn’t concent and it was difficult to get my head in gear. It’s like I’m lost and they’re all doing the norm and I say there and thought I can’t be bothered with all this. I don’t know about you both but I’m thinking there are so many more important things in life than to petty things at work.

Well we’re having a great week aren’t we!!! I’ve also got my glue ear back too so can’t gear properly either at the mo - started sneezing too.

Anyway sending you both positive vibes and just keep going, life will never be the same but I don’t think any of our parents would be any us to be so sad. I know Mum wanted me to live my life but the last two years mums been my life and I can’t get my head around within 9 days she’s died.

Someone said to me the other day for as long as I’m alive my mum and and her memory will be alive. True but I still just want to talk to her and hug her.

I can’t gelieve what you’re having to go through Lyn, so much to cope with. You have us for support ok xx

Anyway before I depress you both completely - keep strong but go with your emotions xx

132

I meant to say my dead mothers car insured x

133

Hi Lucy,

I know it may not be appropriate but your original post about the car did make me smile !

C xxx

2 Likes
134

Hi Lucy,

The getting back to ‘normal’ is the toughest bit I think looking back. We all managed the funeral and are dealing with the paperwork side but the loss is just so painful. Not seeing them again and not holding their hand … so hard to bear. But we have to; we have no choice … now is about making the memories positive and empowering rather than letting our loss limit us.

Good days and bad days for all of us but we have been lucky enough to have such amazing parents in our lives. I have previously worked with looked after children whose parents never cared for them - tough though it undoubtedly is, somehow we have to come out the other side thankful for what we had.

I am still very intolerant of people who get stroppy with me - just part of the process of grieving I think. Work is ok for me but I am a good few months ahead of you and Lyn. Take your time and do what you can. I just feel that nothing is that important to me anymore but I am trying to beat that feeling as it is not a positive way to live.

Sorry that you are poorly too - your immune system will be tired with all the stress of bereavement. Illness drags you down too.

I have struggled with the same as you regarding your Mum having been your life for the past two years - mine was a shorter timescale but she was my daily focus since November 2016 so feels odd not having to be ‘on call’. I was so worried about her as I live a wat from where she lived but it became my ‘normal’ and seemed to give me a purpose in life too. I am happy that she is safe but I would swap that for 24 hours a day worry if I could just see her and talk to her again.

I am approaching 6 months without Mum - there are more good days than bad days. I am mostly able to remember her without getting upset and I rarely cry now. It does get easier and, whether we like it or not, life for us left behind does go on. As it should do - generation after generation.

Sending you much love and understanding. As you say we have to do it our own way and follow our own emotions - it is different for everyone. What I like is that we can share on here and get our thoughts out - always a good thing and thank you both for being there.

Caroline
xxx

135

Dead mouthed cat reinsured!! He’s def not dead mouthed that’s for sure! Xx

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136

Yes we are here now for good! Yes the feeling of not being needed is strange and suddenly we have to re-evaluate our focus as we’ve all gone from being focused on our parents to suddenly nothing and it’s like starting over again. The two years have been so tough in terms of emotions and what drove me mad was people saying ‘well at least it gives you time to do things’ well yes it did but we rushed everything so each trip for me (& probably Mum although she’d never have said as I never did to her) was tainted with a sadness that we were doing it whilst we had time. It wasn’t a ‘let’s plan a trip away Mum & daughter’. Is sad but she said I’d given her so many different experiences and amen her to places only dreams were made of in her funeral wording so that’s lovely to know she loved it all. So I look back pleased that even though I found the trips emotionally incredibly difficult she loved them. We only did things in the UK and Ireland as wasn’t well enough for far away. Can’t get over how the kidneys fail slowly and then bang. I also struggle with how young and alive Mum was mentally yet the kidneys failed her so badly. She’d had diabetes years after putting on weight due to an under active thyroid but always kept her sugar levels in good check and was rarely off track yet after years they just weren’t going to work. I so miss her like we all do.

So much of what you both write is so similar to my own feelings.
Seeing your dads car in the drive way Lyn it’s almost like he’s still there yet you know he isn’t.

Keep going and share about your mum & Dad it’s nice to get to know them a bit more and I’d love to hear what they were like. You seemas I wrote that it hit me - what they ‘were’ like.

Xx

137

Hi Lucy,

Yes, that past tense is such a blow.

Caroline
xxx

138

Hi both

Thanks for your support, it makes me feel less alone in this world and that only people who have gone through this can truly understand what we are going through.

Caroline what you said about it’s time for them to rest now as they have done their job and given us all their worldly wisdom and advice and a million other things parents give to us, is so true. I like to think of dad at rest and peace as at 80 even though he was as sharp as a razor mentally, you do watch them becoming tired and weary physically. I remember early November asking dad what he would like for Christmas and he said jokingly “how about my 18th birthday back”. He was obviously reflecting on his life.

Lucy the feeling of not being needed is difficult to deal with because although it was stressful and challenging I loved looking after dad just as he has always looked after me but it was sad too. Seeing them age is sad and knowing we cannot turn back time for them.

I am not crying anymore strangely as I think I am moving into the yearning and sadness part of this grieving process, I guess it’s all part of letting go and reaching a level of acceptance. I still relive the hospital and last few days but not as much now but by doing so, he feels further and further away.

My friend phoned me last night and she said something really funny which I laughed at and after I put the phone down the guilt of laughing felt awful.

I dread work because I have no protection from people. I am a customer services advisor for the council so I am dealing with public 8hrs a day and I am worried if someone says the wrong thing, I will just quit my job which obviously I cannot afford to do. I am sensitive to my own emotions without coming face to face with other people’s and I know it sounds daft but dad was my silent protection from the world. If I had a bad day dad would make everything all ok.

More than anything I miss dad’s humour, he was such a positive and funny man, wicked sense of humour and everyone loved him. He had a larger than life presence about him. Anyone who was lucky enough to meet him would never forget him.

I have come to accept this will never go away, just have to learn to cope with it and actually I am coming round to accepting that too as I don’t want it to go away. I want him with me all the time just not the pain and heartache bit…

Anyway thanks again for being here and once again going to try this thing called sleep!

Hope you both are getting some sleep as I type and tomorrow is a new day…

xxx

139

Hi,
Good to hear you’re feeling a little better in terms of coping Lyn. We just don’t have any options but to accept what’s happened and it’s strange not living with the clock ticking away and the months counting down. I don’t want to say I found that harder but I really didn’t cope with the last two years at all well. Now the worry and constant ‘we’re getting closer to the time frame’ is no longer present I just don’t know how I feel in many ways. It’s just strange.

Your dad sounds like he was a good laugh, glad you’re remembering good things. Those last few days were not ones I’d want to repeat but still so pleased I was there. It sounds strange doesn’t it - it was awful but I cannot as pleased to be there! Honestly!

Don’t feel guilty for laughing, would your dad be happier knowing you could still laugh or would he want you to never laugh again? I’m sure he’d allow you a few laughs!

Well my first week back at work was just a bit too much to be honest. I sat in a meeting yesterday and came out completely flustered having been off. Got a good chunk of the ‘im sorry to hear about your mum’ comments And some people have avoided talking to me & others just don’t know what to say or do. Having gone back I’ve realised there’s more to life than work, squabbling, the whinging etc and I’ve finishec up thinking can I really be bothered with all this. I need to work but do I need so much pressure? No I don’t.

Take your time when you go back Lyn is all I can advise. I’m part time next week then off for a few days again to finish sorting mums. I feel like I’m on edge at work and struggling to keep up. I definitely have a short fuse now that’s for sure! Kept it in check this week but I’m a bit worried I will erupt at someone who pushes me that bit too far!! Oh well I feel sorry for them!

If your in a customer service role I can totally understand you taking a bit longer to get back as you’re going to be dealing with lots of people. Are you doing a phased return Lyn?

Hope you’re both doing ok today. Xx

140

Hi Lucy (amd Lyn),

The end to another week - nights drawing our little by little and time seems to be flying by.

I know what you mean about not knowing quite how you feel about the worry and fear of losing Mum - I am the same. On the one hand I am relieved that I don’t have the daily worry and battle (if only in my head) to make sure Mum was being looked after properly. On the other hand I miss her being the centre of my day. I am sure this is normal but it is still hard to know how to deal with the mixed emotions it all brings.

I am sorry to hear your first week back was too much but I hope that your bosses will help you adjust to what works best for you. It may be that, longer term, you change your job to something you might prefer doing. Significant losses can lead to life changing decisions but just don’t be too hasty. I enjoy my job - I work for a Local Authority as a Special Educational Needs teacher - and it is quite flexible which means I can manage the workload and interaction with people. You are right that such loss makes you shun the triviality that offices often thrive on - all seems so pointless and such a waster if time and energy.

I am off to visit my son at university tomorrow as he has been struggling a bit emotionally - not sure if it is related to losing his grandma but we will see. It affects so many people but in different ways and in different timescales.

I hope you both have a good weekend. As you say, Lucy, we are able to laugh and be happy - we are not betraying our parents and it does not mean that we care any the less.

Sending you both love and hugs.

Caroline
xxx