I am up and down in terms of coping, I feel like I am in a washing machine on a constant spin cycle!!
I feel like I have retreated into my own little world and it feels quite protective and safe. I don’t feel ready for normality and especially work normality. It feels pointless and I can only just cope with my own emotions let alone anybody else’s. I have changed and I am in this strange place of re-evaluating everything. All in 6 weeks!!!
I now have a fear of my own death and how sudden it could be but I try not to overthink it because it’s too scary!!!
I realised today I have no next of kin!! My god what a thought to have but then it’s reality. Dad would be telling me to get a grip but unless I hear it from him how can I? My brain at the moment is like a bloody giant jigsaw puzzle!!
At least you have got your first week at work over with so hopefully it will get easier to cope with. My manager has agreed a phased back return so at least I am not being thrown into the lions den all in one go! Thank god.
I have had a bottle of wine tonight to knock me out so I get some sleep and my friend is staying over with me as I just needed some company. Night time is becoming my enemy.
We are just going to watch Celebrity Big Brother and then crash out as the wine is kicking in!
Hope you get some rest the weekend to recharge your batteries. We are still surviving one day at a time so all is not lost
Hi Both,
Hope you’re doing as ok as you can. Just thought I’d check in and see?
Hope you had a nice night with your friend. You’re next of kin are your close friends so you may not have anyone blood linked but as you and I have both seen that blood doesn’t mean anything to some. I am an only child so to me my closest friends are family.
I know just what you mean about retreating into your own little world. I feel I’m doing the same in many ways I don’t really feel ‘switched on’ yet. Pleased to say that today is the first day since this really all kicked off in terms of the final hospital stay (sure like you both our parents were in and out of hospital quite a bit - well my mum was over the last few months) so since Dec 3rd that I actually feel rested. I went to mums Saturday to clear the final room of personal items. I got totally stressed yesterday but today I’ve felt calm, had some me time, went for a good walk & just felt rested. That’ll all be wrecked tomo when I go back to work.
I’ve only been back a week but sick of it already. I’ve always enjoyed my job but now I don’t see the point of being in a place where there’s so much bickering and moaning and pressure. I just can’t be bothered. Death really changed you doesn’t it in terms of what’s import and what isn’t. I do look back and think should I have had this attitude a bit sooner and done more for Mum…and I then think well Iv’e been able to throw myself into work as a bit of a distraction whilst everything was going on but can’t help but feel now I’ve got time I just can’t be bothered. I dunno my heads messed up that’s for sure!!!
Are you back next week Lyn at work? Im really dreading it.
Oh well onwards and upwards somehow! I’ve set the alarm so I can go for a walk tomorrow morning first thing…6.30am! If that happens it’ll be a miracle!!!
I seem to be worse than I was 6 weeks ago! I think I am in the sadness stage now the initial shock has subsided. If there is such a thing as stages (think I have been reading too much on grief). My friend lost her mum 14 years ago and while we were chatting over a bottle of wine she burst in to tears and the pair of us were blubbering wrecks! I then got scared and thought I can’t cope with this for 14 years and the realisation hit home when my friend said to me it never goes away Lyn, you just learn to cope and adapt! That was the scariest thing anyone has said to me but then it makes sense! I don’t want to get over it or forget dad or not remember him but how the hell I am I supposed to cope with it?
My manager is coming to my home tomorrow to discuss my phased back return to work next Monday, how unreal is that? I don’t want to work, I don’t want to do anything other than think about dad but feel I am being dragged through the motions of reality! I know I have to do it but it all seems so pointless. I only work to keep a roof over my head, it’s not like I want to do it and I am dreading it because if anyone says one word out of place I swear I will knock them out! It doesn’t make sense but it’s how I feel!
How can you go from watching your parent dying to cremating them to going through Christmas and New year to going to work? My brain cannot comprehend it and it all feels a million years ago?
My head is like your’s Lucy totally messed up and I feel like I have totally changed. How can that happen in such a short time? I guess things that were important no longer are because they are not here.
I am glad you have had some rest, I think we can only take so much and a switch goes off to protect us. I find walking really helps and as I have my little dog Sammy who has to be walked twice a day, it does give me a reason to get out and get some fresh air and it doesn’t involve people. I have so little tolerance now that it worries me. I actually prefer my own company where I don’t have to explain what I am feeling.
My dad would be scratching his head at me now wondering what’s going on with me and telling me to get a grip but everything has changed now and I can’t revert back. It’s such a weird feeling that I am not the same as I was and not sure of who I am! I think I need another bottle of wine as it’s the only thing that makes sense lol!
I have got to set an alarm tonight too as I have been getting up later and later and at this rate I will never make the office at 9am Monday morning so got to start now. I wonder what my Manager will think of me tomorrow? She won’t know who I am either!
Hope you get some sleep and manage your walk tomorrow, can’t imagine getting up at 6.30!!
Ps My next of kin can be my next door neighbour as it doesn’t matter who it is anymore (although I don’t get on with them) and I will leave my house and money to the PDSA so simple solution…well may leave some of it to my friend or she may not come and see me again lol
Just wanted to say I relate to the last few posts on feeling like life has permanently changed, locking down the doors to a more private life and feeling your head is in pieces.
I guess the only thing we can keep doing is taking one day at a time, going with the flow and being kind to ourselves.
Good to see you are going for walks and going through the motions of getting back into work. I think the phrase fake it until you make it is useful at times like these. Pretend to be able to get through a day of pointless work then soon you will be able to.
The only good thing I can see from loss is the ability to prioritise what is important now. If it is not important to you, don’t do it!
All our losses brings about an enforced change that none of us wanted but it’s now about how we can see the positives from that change and how we react to it. Our loved one’s are not coming back so we have to move forward with the flow because we now have no choice. If we don’t we are stuck in the past at a point of no return.
Our loved ones are at peace and free from suffering and I am sure they would not want us to suffer because that was not what their lives were about so we owe it to them and their legacy that we do continue our lives as they continued their’s. We have to learn from death what it teaches us not what it does to us.
Survival is a basic instinct so we will survive, it’s how we now go forwards and take that change and them with us. I believe they will give us the strength to do that and also to realise how fragile our own lives are. I am still upset, devastated and heartbroken but I now more than ever am beginning to see what is important and what just isn’t worth worrying or stressing over.
When you have watched someone you love dying it alters everything you once believed in, so like starting over we have to learn to walk again, baby steps, hour by hour and day by day building new lives and as hard as it is there is always “hope”
Hi lucy
i,m so sorry u must b going throuh hell. I lost my wife last july after a terminal brain condition. Like u this is my first time on here. If u ever want to talk please message me
Much love to u and mum x
I miss my dad very much but his legacy was to embrace life head on so I know he would be upset if I did not move on and do the same. I am just caught in limbo caring for my mum first but Yes, we owe it to our loved ones to continue, sort of on their behalf.
It’s like reading what I’m thinking when I read your updates. The whole ‘how can you go from losing your parent to back at work like nothings happened’ - you can’t. On a plus note and hopefully it’ll help you although last week was dire and I dreaded today by the afternoon I was starting to feel that I could cope at work a bit better than last week but I was in a foul mood last night and this morning at the thought of going and then I unlike me I was late but could I care?!?
So how did seeing your boss go today? Were they sympathetic? What have you agreed for next week?
You did make me chuckle when you said if anyone says anything you’ll knock them out!!! Exactly the same here! I did have a pop at a colleague today who had upset someone else and they said to me that I’m generally pretty passive but when I go for it and flip I really do go for it! Said at the pointless meeting we have on (well I feel it’s all pretty pointless right now) Thursday that they may want to zip my gob up!!! As the mood I’m in I think I’ll just have to sit and nod otherwise I’ll flip!!! I’m glad I’m not the only one but I feel so on edge and if someone says anything I’ll rip their head off! Ripped Dads off a few times the past few weeks and now I think god talk about overact but at the time I was awful. I am a bit calmer now than those first three weeks. Have to say though today was better - prob because I only had to deal with 3 people! The whole re-evaluating everything is so true I just can’t be arsed with work, all I actually want to do is dig and watch all my catch up TV. I feel angry though too as kidney failure robbed the last two years of fun times and made them an emotional challenge not only for me but for my poor Mum and that makes me angry. She’d done nothing to deserve this but always said her kidneys would be her downfall and she was right. I feel now I’ve got time but I can’t soebd it with the one person I want to spend it with as the time we always had was health related. No change here as you can see! One minute ok next minute not!
I don’t think you can go through all this and just slit back into the old normal routine as nothing will be old normal again and I totally get what you mean when you said how can you face this for the next 14years. I can’t see beyond the end of the week and everyday that passes is another day further away from when I saw Mum. Just miss her so very very much. I know she wanted me to be happy but I question if I turn music up in the car as I’m thinking - you can’t sing along how on earth can I sing along and seem happy considering what’s just happened. I’ve heard people talk about feeling guilt but for me just turning up the music I feel is wrong. Work told me about an employee assistance scheme which I dong really know about as in my negative way I’m thinking ‘well you can’t bring Mum back’ so what’s the point! It doesn’t matter how much talking etc I do it doesn’t change what’s happened and the thought of another 30years of life or so without her seems an unbearable prospect.
My biggest challenge is her ashes. It’s so sad you’ve not been involved but you have beautiful memories. I say it’s sad but it’s also wrecking me. I have to collect them as only child - but I just know it’s going to set me back massively and I’m just feeling a bit more with it. I don’t know what to do with them and the thought of driving in the entrance at home with her in a pot beside me I cannot get my head around. Then where do I put her??!! Absolutely one of my worst things to face as that’s all that’ll be left. Breaks my heart. The level of dread is at the same scale as the moments before the funeral started. I thought that would be tough but this is proving no easier at all. I’m writing this now crying my eyes out & it’s dawned on me that it’s that same horrible fear I’ve had for the past two years and I can’t bear to face that one last time.
Well the walk didn’t happen when I woke up and saw it was still dark and raining badly! I’ve been the same as you the past few weeks and not been up before 9 many days let alone early enough for work.
Anyway before I depress you even more I’ll wish you goodnight and let me know how today went.
Xx
Well I was dreading my Manager coming round, don’t know why as she is always very supportive, I think it was purely because I knew she would ask me how I was and I find that so difficult to answer, what are you supposed to say?
Well, it all went better than I thought and she actually was checking for herself that I really am capable of coming back. I was honest with her and said I don’t know how I will be. We agreed a 2 week phased back. Agreed Monday I would go in at 10am (thank god for that because I doubt I could get up and in the office any earlier!!) and just do 2 hrs which will consist of saying hello to everyone and probably sobbing my eyes out! After that will be mornings until I feel ready to do my full hours. I feel relieved it’s over with and will just have to take it day by day.
I know exactly what you are going through re having a short fuse with people except I am more like a hand grenade at the moment!! I am angry too about the injustice of everything. Although dad had other health problems he was almost paranoid about his kidney’s and they went and let him down. My mood swings are so changeable now but I guess everything we are feeling is normal and part of grieving.
I can’t believe how similar we are! The music in the car is so me! I turn up the volume and sing out loud but then turn it back down and feel guilty. I can’t play my CD’s but I like the radio on even at home as I find it comforting. I am watching so much TV at the moment it’s untrue. The only programme that is really annoying me is Corrie, it’s so dark and depressing or is it just my mood?
Lucy I am actually relieved I don’t have dad’s ashes because I would be the same as you but also I don’t believe they represent anything of the person as they are in spirit so it’s a difficult one for me to get my head around?
I would say don’t put yourself under pressure to do anything just yet as you are not ready. It’s too soon after all what you have and are going through.
Try and change your thought process from it being another “final” to setting her free now and together you are freeing each other from all the pain and suffering you have both been through. Think about special places you went together that have happy memories for you both. You will know when you are ready and maybe a friend can go with you? Don’t make any decisions yet. Ask your mum what to do and she may guide you.
Our brains are not wired for any of this but remember you have coped so far and will continue to cope but one step at a time. I have a tendency to overthink everything but am slowly learning to follow my heart and let my heart guide me and do things now when I am ready.
We have to adapt to this new scary world and it’s going to take time and patience with ourselves. I am walking in your shoes by 1 week so we can help each other and that gives me so much comfort.
A little positive thought for the day for all of us…how pleased would our parents be to know we have found comfort in finding each other and travelling this road together. We are now each other’s surrogate parents…this makes me smile because my dad would be happy knowing I am not going through this alone xx
I read a couple of posts about returning to work. Lost my mum in October and went back to work soon after the funeral (still cannot get my head around using that word in connection with my mum) because I had been off for a while by then. I did a staged return. As soon as I arrived I was ready to go home but it went as ok as it could although every evening when I got home I decided there was no way I was going back the next day but every morning I managed it. After a week or so it felt that work is the “normal” time and it is so much more of a struggle to create a new normal outside work.
When I am having a mini meltdown I think “how would mum be dealing with this?” and that helps.
I have noticed that I don’t hold any conversation with anyone unless I manage to include the words “My mum…” in there somehow. Is anyone else finding this?
Hi Jay Dee,
Yes yes yes I want to include ‘my mum’ in Every conversation I have and I really notice it. Every day I speak and say my mum. So you’re not alone. Then I feel that I’m saying it and people must be thinking why’s she saying it all of the time.
Interesting about your return to work - I’m on my second week and agree with what you’ve said totally whilst last weeks 3 day week felt awful this week has been a bit easier and I feel like I’m slitting back in again. I felt very flustered last week but better this week. The younger (god I sound old!) people at work don’t know what to really say but those my age and older are saying ‘so sorry for your loss’ but after the initial walking in to my regular office and had a few other offices I had to walk into it’s got a bit better. It was that first day that was the worst. But I prewarned them that I’d go to pieces when I got in and typically it was the day when it was full!
Yes the outside work time is now ‘free’ which is a bit strange but as I said in an earlier post I just want to watch TV. Whether it’s because I can follow some other story and it’s escapisn from my own I’m not sure.
Yes def not alone. Although I’m not in the same situation I only have my dad left and no close family or siblings so I still feel pretty alone as great as my dads been he’s not the huggy type or anything and sometimes I just want a hug from my mum but I know that can’t happen so it’s nice to get virtual hugs instead! Not going anywhere so keep the posts going xx
Hiya,
Pleased to hear yesterday went ok with your manager. You can’t answer how you are as you just don’t know one minute to the next. You hardly going to say ‘oh I’m great!’ are you, but you probably automatically say oh I’m ok or fine! Sounds a good idea for the first day just to go in and break the ice with colleagues get that over with and then say two should be easier. I found walkjngbin the worst as all I could think was last time I was here I had my Mum and I’m now walking in without a Mum. They all jumped up and hugged me which set me off completely but it’s nice to be able to feel that if I need a little cry I can. I haven’t yet as I’m quite private like that but I feel at ease with the team to be able too if I need to. I’m sure you’ll find strength on Monday and we’ll be thinking of you and alongside you.
Funny to say about going in at 10 as you won’t make it in earlier well I don’t know what happened this morning but I nearly died myself when I woke up and clock said 9.38am!!! Talk about freak out I shot out of bed, showered, changed sorted my cat out and then had no breakfast and just legged it out of the house - how I made it to my meeting which was at 11.30am 1.5hrs away I’ll never know but I did! My hair was dirty which was awful as I’d planned to wash it this morning!!! Talk about fly by the seat of my pants today!!! I can do well without mornings like that. It’s funny now I look back but it wasn’t when I saw the clock-thought I was seeing things! Blinking phone alarm didn’t go off so I went to Tesco and bought an alarm clock!! Set that and my phone because I have to be same place again at 10am so if I’m not up by 7.30am I’ll never make it if I want breakfast and to not fly out of the house an uncontrollable mess!
I’m doing the same with TV I just want to stay at home and watch everything. I wonder if it’s vecause you can follow a story and escape what we’re going through for a few hours. I could quite easily spend the next few weeks at home watching TV with my cat. I’d be quite content. I’m ok watching all the soaps-terrible I know - I’ve now caught up with them all bar Eastenders again and now 15 episodes behind!!! I feel like I want to save stuff up to watch for when I have ‘me days’ at home. Ridiculous! Glad it’s not just me with the music in the car! I feel it’s so wrong to be singing along and I feel like it’s disrespectful to my mum. I know it’s bonkers but it’s onky been a few weeks. All doing my head in these things called feelings!
Yeah I know what you mean with ashes but I suppose I don’t feel I can yet accept ‘setting her free’ I don’t want to if truth be known - and that’s what’s eating my up. I just feel I can’t and don’t want to let go. The fear is back just like it has been since she had the two year diagnosis. It’s realky dawned on me that that fear has eaten my up the past two years beyond what I realised now it’s back again. I can’t leave her but I can’t face collecting her and I feel so bad for feeling that way too. I also feel the longer I leave it the worse it will be. I feel trapped in a vicious circle with it.
Mum was the same as your dad - she always said her kidneys would be her downfall - said it for years but she was right bless her.
Anyway hope you have a good day tomo and we’ll done today it’s the first step in your new normality - there was life with our parents and now there’s the new life without them but we’re a week apart and are supporting each other well and I don’t feel alone which is lovely. Thanks!!!
I better get some sleep otherwise I’ll have a repeat performance of this morning! Hope it made you chuckle at least! My mum would be laughing at me! She had a great sense of humour!
Hi Lucy
Just so you know - I have my mum’s ashes and they bring me a great deal of comfort. I have no plans to scatter them. They were part of the person I loved and still love and I want to have them with me forever. I hope you will feel the same way.
Hugs
Marigold
Just wondered how you are all doing today? I haven’t been able to stop crying all day. It started in the school playground when I dropped my son off and someone asked if I was ok then the taps in my eyes haven’t stopped since. I think I am officially feeling sorry for myself today.
One school mum told me not to be embarrassed by crying. ? I’m so not! I could cry for England in front of anyone at the moment. I think the phrase is ‘owning my emotions’ Ha!
Glad some of you are getting back into work a bit. It is a big step forward, however hard it feels now.
Hope you got through today better than me. I’m considering attaching a kitchen roll round my neck permanently like some sort of tribal neckware to soak everything up…
I am ok thanks. I went up to see Ben at Durham last Saturday and he is much better now which is a relief. Don’t think I can cope with anyone needing me too much at the moment!
We went out for a lovely lunch at an Italian restaurant in the city centre and I got to see the house he is living in this year too. It is amazingly tidy for a student house and did not smell!!