I just lost my mum last night at 11 pm she passed suddenly she lives abroad with her husband . I went into shock last night so didn’t cry but today I have been crying all day . I didn’t sleep at all last night and I feel so lost and alone . I can’t stop thinking about her but I’m also exhausted . I don’t know what’s ahead or how I am going to get through this . I suffer with anxiety as well so my thoughts are racing . I feel like I’m the only one going through this even though I know that’s not the case . Me and my mother had a very fractured relationships and I want talking to her except one argument I had with her where I said some horrible things because I felt hurt a my mother was very cold and didn’t show me love . This is killing me as I wish things would have been different . But I know things would bit of changed between us and it makes it all the harder to cope with . I loved my mother more than anything in the world and now she’s gone there is no closure and that hurts too. I don’t know how i should feel at the moment but I do know I’m devastated but feel lost . I hope someone can help me as I have the funeral this weekend possibly and I’m dreading it as I have to go home to Ireland .all the family are very supportive and understand the situation . I was not going to go to the funeral but I have decided to go to support the family and to say my final goodbyes I’m broken , 
Hi @Margaret123
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard to process all the mixed emotions you are going through. You have come to the right place for support as people here are all going through different experiences of grief and I hope you feel some comfort from knowing you are not alone. Take care of yourself as best as you can xx
Thank you for your reply and support . Last night I didn’t sleep or cry followed by a day of crying today with racing thoughts about what if and I want her back and denial maybe it’s a big mistake and she’s alive . Today I’m hoping will be a different day of feelings . Hopefully I can sleep a bit today and not feel as exhausted it’s day 2 for me today so I’m taking it one day at a time . I feel lost and alone and I know I am not it’s just a feeling . I’m not eating very well so I managed to eat a dish a neighbour had given me last night to take home with me . I am thinking did she know I loved her and why didn’t she change and show me love as well as anger guilt denial and complete sadness which brings deep tears I feel hopeless . Thank you for your kind words it does make a difference I feel less alone in my grief thank you . Mandy
Hi @Margaret123
I am so sorry to hear about the death of your mum. It is so tragic to loose our mums, and its very early days for you. What you are going through is normal at this stage, especially as it was so sudden.
I too lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly 18 months ago. It was horrific, i too suffer anxiety and i was all over the place. I had to sort out all her stuff and sell her house which was so hard, but it did help in some ways as it gave me something to do to occupy my mind.
It does get easier with time, i also had bereavement counselling after a few months and that was so beneficial to me.
Look after yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you need, and try not tp give yourself a hard time. I noticed on this site mostly everyone feels guilt when their parents die, and it doesnt seem to make a difference if it was an expected death or sudden death. I felt cheated i didnt get to say goodbye to mum, but some peoples stories on here are awful as they watched their loved ones suffer as end of life. There is never an easy way.
Take care of you
Yes you are right maybe seeing her suffer would have been worse She lived a long life and for that I’m grateful even though the estrangement meant a lot of those years I did not see her . I have had 5 hours sleep so not as tired today the constant thoughts are there I have cried some but not as much as yesterday . I haven’t had a big loss before except my granny many years ago and it’s not the same as my mother . I’m hurting and yes my anxiety is higher and I’m trying not to cry but that’s hard to do . I miss her and didn’t get the chance to say I’m sorry and that I loved her more than anything in the world that hurts . My thoughts are anger hurt love and hopelessness I live alone but I have support of family who are in Ireland where my mum is and a make friend who every evening is taking time out of his evening to talk . His mum passed 2 years ago and his father commuted suicide so he knows how grief works and he’s able to help me to come to terms with what I’m feeling . It has been good to read posts of kind words as that brings me comfort as I feel I’m the only one this is happening to although I know it’s nowt really . I am sorry for the loss of your mum 18 months ago I don’t know how you have coped you are a brave and strong person Thank you so much for your kind words 
My mum died suddenly in June. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s such a horrible time.
His weeks been awful, Christmas and pressure to be joyful is exhausting.
my sincere condolences for the loss of your beloved mother. The pain is immense as you know I feel like I’m never going to recover . Each morning I wake up crying including this morning and throughout the day especially when talk in to anyone about her .the racing thoughts are the worst and I feel exhausted . I went to the wake with family on Thursday in Ireland I live in uk . It gave me a bit of closure and I had time to hug kiss and talk to her which I needed. We had a very fractured relationship and that’s hurts immensely all the what ifs including guilt could I of been a better daughter and more understanding of my mothers mental illness I didn’t and for that the grief is harder . I feel like I’m responsible for her death even though I know she had several health issues and it wasn’t my fault I’m still finding it tough . I’m going for lunch today with a friend who has supported me since mum passers away and that might help as I have to get ready and go out . I don’t feel like doing anything that includes watching tv you I’ve etc all my day to day activities have ceased. I feel like I will be never recover and my anxiety has skyrocketed. I just want to sit and drown in the pain . This week I’m going to try and watch tv and you tube it will help the racing thoughts are. I’m so sorry this has happened to you as well and it helps when people reach out and understand as they are going through the same . I hope you get some peace in the coming weeks and months and get through the grieving process and come out the other end . Thank you for your support and know there are people out there who really care for you. It also a time to reconnect with family as they understand your pain. Once again thank you so much for your care and concern Mandy .
I’m glad you found comfort from the wake. Pleased you’re seeing a friend too. It’s tempting to avoid people altogether isn’t it.
I’m going through the guilt phase, could I have done more? We had a fractious relationship though a bit different to your situation (I think) that I found an acceptance and forgave her recently- now I’m thinking if I hadn’t done this would she be here longer …. To keep finding peace of mind in other ways! Sounds crazy doesn’t it!! And irrational!
Enjoy seeing your friend today. And we’ll keep sharing and finding ways to keep going.
Take care
Yes I will and I hope you are finding ways to cope . The guilty feelings you are feeling I am feeling them too . I hope to god he can give us strength to get through this. Thank you for your support I hope you can find some peace in your day and the days to come Mandy
There is comfort with this online forum isn’t there. I feel less of a burden talking to a stranger (though still have negative feelings about myself).
I forced myself to meet friends yesterday for our annual train jolly, the alternative would be sat at home probably overeating and my husband encouraging me to go out and do something. We managed to laugh, talk about mum and they’re sensitive, kind friends so no pressure to be anything other than myself. They came to mums day (I don’t like the word funeral) and gave out handmade broaches to family/ friends….. my mum would have loved the attention:)
Let’s keep going …..
Morning Nic . I’m glad you went out with your friends on your train ride it will do you a lot of good and hopefully lower the thoughts of your mum sharing with your friends really helps I know we feel guilty offloading on them but they understand and only want to help us . I also went to the toby carvery for Sunday dinner with my friend and as I hadn’t eaten only a soup the day before I was hungry we talked I cried and we laughed about other things I got home and I forced myself to watch tv and catch up on some of my you tube videos I felt lighter in my thoughts which was nice after the rollercoaster of the last week when mum passsed . I awoke in tears the morning though but just made myself a cuppa tea and calmed down a bit while I’m writing this message to you which also helps . This forum is really good as talking to you and others really helps you to realise we are not alone I hope you take comfort in that. Even though we haven’t met we take comfort in knowing we are all in this together and it’s good to see how others are feeling about their loss as it’s a confusing situation where it’s hard for us to think properly . Today I have adjust booked a doctors appointment so I can get some sleeping tablets and talk about my grief and how it’s affecting my anxiety I might go on some antidepressants to cope with the racing thoughts and calm me down I will also ask her about bereavement counselling . I hope today you can do something to distract yourself and help to calm your thoughts and pain try to go out at least once for some fresh air even to the shop for some groceries and buy a ready meal if you have lost interest in cooking at the moment as I have . Sitting in our pain I think is a better option long term than not expressing your feelings so I hope you can stop beating yourself up and be kind to yourself our mums wouldnt want us to be unhappy although we still will be we can take comfort in knowing the tears we cry are tears of love we had and always will for our beautiful beloved mothers . I will be thinking of you today and hope you get through another day and the evening will bring a bit of peace that’s all we can hope for at this stage god bless
Sorry about being quiet, I’m a bit lost.
Feeling very cross about it all and had awful dreams last night.
Close people say I need to get on with living now but I thought I was doing ok?!
Hope you’re ok or at least finding a way of having peace / rest when possible. I’m exhausted
Hi Nic sorry to hear you are going through this . Just remember you are doing everything right and it’s okay to feel all these feelings after the loss of your mother . My sleep has improved and I am eating better thanks to the help of my long term friend who gets me out of the flat over the weekend to catch up eat and offload . This weekend wasn’t an easy one I cried a couple of times in the morning and couldn’t really quieten my mind . My cousin sent me a link of the funeral and I had a fall out with my half sister who put my mums coffin on instagram for likes when she didn’t come to the funeral as mum had her adopted at birth and didn’t want to reconnect with her unfortunately for me she didn’t support me and I got a barrage of insults on Friday after telling her putting mums coffin on instagram was a low blow and I was distraught about it she only contacts me via wassup and I haven’t spoke to her in years Unfortunately she suffers from Narcissism as well I think so I had to block her as i cant grieve properly with this drama. I too have had two dreams of mum hugging me which she never did in real life this was 2 weeks ago after some tough nights In each dream I never saw her face for some reason and I think that would be too much for me that’s if you Beleive in the afterlife . The nightmares your having a part of the trauma of losing your mum I have had a few too. I have been having lots of what ifs anger and guilt and a lot of unprocessed emotions and blaming myself for what happened in our relationship and the abuse I endured . I am moving through that now and and realise my mum was not a well woman in her life and needing to release that trauma and forgive for my peace moving forward but also to heal my unresolved trauma that I’ve held onto all my life . This morning feels like a better day and I’m helping my friend takes some stufff to the tip today and will pop to get my friend a gift card for Christmas as he has been so supportive and kind for all the hours he has spent with me listening to me through this time . Nic all these thoughts you are having are normal but get your emotions out if you can as it will help to heal your mind and soul I have phoned cruse last week and I found them really helpfull if your struggling phone them they are busy but if you can get through to them just talking about wher your feeling will really help you to see things more clearly . Before mum passed she had laboured breathing while my stepdad was cooking her supper I overthought this and thought he murdered her not phoning for help sooner then I thought I she died because of me from a broken heart . These thoughts were from my grief and the overthinking process and cruse helped to let go of these thoughts as the emergency services did try and resuscitate mum and my stepdad was in a panic but did cpr on her at the time . It could of been worse and they managed to get her heart restarted and she could of died in hospital and pumped full of drugs and then passed which would of been worse . During grieving we can overthink as we desperately want to bring them back no matter what . It looks like we are at the same stages in our grief and I feel for you but just know everyday will be different and we can do this ( I hope) . We cannot see it at the moment and that’s why it’s important to take it one day at a time and try throughout the day to do something that will give your mind a rest. Have a nice shower try and eat to keep your energy up and go out even if it’s for a walk or a talk with a friend as that is what’s working for me . Christmas is a couple of days away and I’m avoiding everything to do with Christmas even if it comes up on the tv I’m switching over as I can’t bare to think of everybody happy when my mum is gone from this earth never to experience another Christmas even though she lived in Ireland with her partner at least I knew she was there . So yes Christmas will be hard for us but that’s okay too and our feelings are important too . Feel under no pressure to engage during the festive season but do get out if you can and speak to family and a friend . I’m treating it as just another day and hope it goes quickly I haven’t put up any decorations either as I know that day will be a harder day for me being the first Christmas without mum alive . I hope you can work through your feelings of grief and you get through this week as much as you can you had a very special relationship with your mum and she loves you very much and she would like you to not suffer and be kind to yourself through this time . Don’t forget we are both hurting and it is a normal part of grief we will be okay even if it’s hard to see that at the moment their is a light at the end of the tunnel . Excuse the spelling sending you a virtual 
hug Mandy .
Thank you. It really does sound like we’re at the same stage / feelings with grief. I’m just detached and crying. My energy is used up being superficial for the kids and family.
My husband and close family member have told me to live my life and time to let go. What the heck does that mean?! I’ve asked but it doesn’t make sense. I’m so angry, I want to run away, I want to clear my house out and have started decluttering. Feel like a burden and don’t know where to turn.
In my bad dreams, she was there, and I looked after her attentively …. Which I wished I’d done more when she was here but I tried empowering her to do more. I couldn’t see her face in the dream, just like yours- what’s that about?
I’ll be cooking on the big day, I usually do and it’s best for everyone then rest Boxing Day.
Apparently times a healer but I’m not convinced. She should still be here, she was 63
Hi Nic sorry to hear about your situation at home during your grieving process I hear you we are very stressed at the moment and we are in the fight or flight mode with our nervous system and especially when our family may say something with the best of intentions for us not realising how upset it will make us they love you more than anything in the world and don’t want to to see you suffer . Maybe when your feeling stronger a sit down talk would be in order and you letting them know how you feel and how upset you were at the comment hopefully they will understand that a throwaway comment isn’t going to help and that you need to grieve in your own way. I know the feeling of anger and wanting to run away from everything as that’s part of your nervous system in overload it will settle down as you go through this process. You are doing everything right and your feelings are valid it’s okay to cry like you are I cry everyday not as much as I did. It just so happens I’m crying now as I write this to you as it makes me think of my own grief. Incidentally your mum was very young being 63 as I’m 61 and life feels so cruel as you had so many years ahead with her that are gone. We think our parent/s will live forever but they don’t and we are left devastated . Looking after your family will help you to focus during the day and take you out of your intense thoughts although tiring it will help you. Feeling detached and crying is normal and I felt that the last couple of weeks. This week Is just intermittent crying now and then during the day and it’s normally triggered by something as well as overthinking and oversensitivity . cooking on Christmas Day with your family will really help you to reconnect and get closer . Christmas Day I am going out for the day with my friend again as I don’t want to be in and we can find somewhere to eat although I expect tears but that’s okay. I hope you get through Christmas as best you can and it’s not too hectic for you it will be very tough on both of us we can get through this time this is our first Christmas without our mums on earth so hopefully we can find the strength to get through this time in one piece . Sending you a virtual hug Mandy .
Nic I did forget to say that like me you have had dreams of your mum but you can’t see her face . It might be that the reason why is because we are in a really heightened state at the moment with our emotions and thoughts and it’s not the right time for our mums to see us face to face . Our mums know us better than we know ourselves especially in the spirit world and they would not want us to be overwhelmed anymore than we are. I know in my case that would be true as there is so many unresolved emotions . Your case will be different as you had a more closer connection to your mother .I hope this helps as I was confused as well sending a virtual hug Mandy .
Hi there my mum passed on Dec 1st and had no funeral as was a direct cremation. The co op funeral home refused to let us visit the rest home and I wasn’t allowed to put any items in the coffin. My dads been a disgrace not letting me have anything of my mum’s. Everyone’s story is different everyone’s grief is different but I wouldn’t wish on anyone what I’ve been through.
Hi Destiny sorry for the late reply first of all my sincere condolences over the passing away of your beloved mother i hear you . It’s tough and you will go through a lot of what ifs anxious thoughts and anger as well as hopelessness as a big hole is left in your life where your mum once was after all she bought you into the world I get it . I’m sorry to hear that The funeral home didn’t let you see your mother the very last time and how upsetting that is for you
Hi Destiny sorry for the late reply first of all my sincere condolences over the passing away of your beloved mother i hear you . It’s tough and you will go through a lot of what ifs anxious thoughts and anger as well as hopelessness as a big hole is left in your life where your mum once was after all she bought you into the world I get it . I’m sorry to hear that The funeral home didn’t let you see your mother the very last time and how upsetting that is for you also your dad not letting you have your mums items my stepdad has done the same thing how petty and an awful thing to do I dint know hime people can sleep at night doing things like that . Your memories are something he can never take away remember that . As it’s is only the begining of December your mum passed you have had to go through this during Christmas and then see in the new year without her and are feeling things will never be the same . I think for us they won’t but life will be different for us and we will eventually grow with the grief I hope . You will find the first week you will be numb and sorting everything out with the funeral home etc and then you will go into the following week falling apart I felt suicidal in the second week but got through it with the help of family and friends I also lost weight and went down to 7 and a half stone wasn’t sleeping eating and just about having a shower everyday I lost all interest in everything and just cried none stop. The third week I started eating better and sleeping and it’s 6 weeks on Sunday this week . Now I’m just crying at triggers and there everywhere but I am coping and things are not falling apart like they were . So you have a tough time ahead but Destiny you can get through this you can do this for your mum she is a part of you and always will be . It’s okay to grieve in your own way and we all grieve differently cry as much as you want as that will help your body to heal itself . Christmas and new year will be rough for all of us and you are not alone we are all going through this together and what you are going through is normal . If you need support do not hesitate to leave a message here . Just remember we are here for you and we understand what your going through . Sending you a virtual hug Mandy
Such kind words. Thank you.
People saying happy new year is excruciating.
I’m tired and teary.
Hope you’re ok xx