I just lost my mum last night at 11 pm she passed suddenly she lives abroad with her husband . I went into shock last night so didn’t cry but today I have been crying all day . I didn’t sleep at all last night and I feel so lost and alone . I can’t stop thinking about her but I’m also exhausted . I don’t know what’s ahead or how I am going to get through this . I suffer with anxiety as well so my thoughts are racing . I feel like I’m the only one going through this even though I know that’s not the case . Me and my mother had a very fractured relationships and I want talking to her except one argument I had with her where I said some horrible things because I felt hurt a my mother was very cold and didn’t show me love . This is killing me as I wish things would have been different . But I know things would bit of changed between us and it makes it all the harder to cope with . I loved my mother more than anything in the world and now she’s gone there is no closure and that hurts too. I don’t know how i should feel at the moment but I do know I’m devastated but feel lost . I hope someone can help me as I have the funeral this weekend possibly and I’m dreading it as I have to go home to Ireland .all the family are very supportive and understand the situation . I was not going to go to the funeral but I have decided to go to support the family and to say my final goodbyes I’m broken , 
Hi @Margaret123
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard to process all the mixed emotions you are going through. You have come to the right place for support as people here are all going through different experiences of grief and I hope you feel some comfort from knowing you are not alone. Take care of yourself as best as you can xx
Thank you for your reply and support . Last night I didn’t sleep or cry followed by a day of crying today with racing thoughts about what if and I want her back and denial maybe it’s a big mistake and she’s alive . Today I’m hoping will be a different day of feelings . Hopefully I can sleep a bit today and not feel as exhausted it’s day 2 for me today so I’m taking it one day at a time . I feel lost and alone and I know I am not it’s just a feeling . I’m not eating very well so I managed to eat a dish a neighbour had given me last night to take home with me . I am thinking did she know I loved her and why didn’t she change and show me love as well as anger guilt denial and complete sadness which brings deep tears I feel hopeless . Thank you for your kind words it does make a difference I feel less alone in my grief thank you . Mandy
Hi @Margaret123
I am so sorry to hear about the death of your mum. It is so tragic to loose our mums, and its very early days for you. What you are going through is normal at this stage, especially as it was so sudden.
I too lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly 18 months ago. It was horrific, i too suffer anxiety and i was all over the place. I had to sort out all her stuff and sell her house which was so hard, but it did help in some ways as it gave me something to do to occupy my mind.
It does get easier with time, i also had bereavement counselling after a few months and that was so beneficial to me.
Look after yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you need, and try not tp give yourself a hard time. I noticed on this site mostly everyone feels guilt when their parents die, and it doesnt seem to make a difference if it was an expected death or sudden death. I felt cheated i didnt get to say goodbye to mum, but some peoples stories on here are awful as they watched their loved ones suffer as end of life. There is never an easy way.
Take care of you
Yes you are right maybe seeing her suffer would have been worse She lived a long life and for that I’m grateful even though the estrangement meant a lot of those years I did not see her . I have had 5 hours sleep so not as tired today the constant thoughts are there I have cried some but not as much as yesterday . I haven’t had a big loss before except my granny many years ago and it’s not the same as my mother . I’m hurting and yes my anxiety is higher and I’m trying not to cry but that’s hard to do . I miss her and didn’t get the chance to say I’m sorry and that I loved her more than anything in the world that hurts . My thoughts are anger hurt love and hopelessness I live alone but I have support of family who are in Ireland where my mum is and a make friend who every evening is taking time out of his evening to talk . His mum passed 2 years ago and his father commuted suicide so he knows how grief works and he’s able to help me to come to terms with what I’m feeling . It has been good to read posts of kind words as that brings me comfort as I feel I’m the only one this is happening to although I know it’s nowt really . I am sorry for the loss of your mum 18 months ago I don’t know how you have coped you are a brave and strong person Thank you so much for your kind words 
My mum died suddenly in June. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s such a horrible time.
His weeks been awful, Christmas and pressure to be joyful is exhausting.
my sincere condolences for the loss of your beloved mother. The pain is immense as you know I feel like I’m never going to recover . Each morning I wake up crying including this morning and throughout the day especially when talk in to anyone about her .the racing thoughts are the worst and I feel exhausted . I went to the wake with family on Thursday in Ireland I live in uk . It gave me a bit of closure and I had time to hug kiss and talk to her which I needed. We had a very fractured relationship and that’s hurts immensely all the what ifs including guilt could I of been a better daughter and more understanding of my mothers mental illness I didn’t and for that the grief is harder . I feel like I’m responsible for her death even though I know she had several health issues and it wasn’t my fault I’m still finding it tough . I’m going for lunch today with a friend who has supported me since mum passers away and that might help as I have to get ready and go out . I don’t feel like doing anything that includes watching tv you I’ve etc all my day to day activities have ceased. I feel like I will be never recover and my anxiety has skyrocketed. I just want to sit and drown in the pain . This week I’m going to try and watch tv and you tube it will help the racing thoughts are. I’m so sorry this has happened to you as well and it helps when people reach out and understand as they are going through the same . I hope you get some peace in the coming weeks and months and get through the grieving process and come out the other end . Thank you for your support and know there are people out there who really care for you. It also a time to reconnect with family as they understand your pain. Once again thank you so much for your care and concern Mandy .
I’m glad you found comfort from the wake. Pleased you’re seeing a friend too. It’s tempting to avoid people altogether isn’t it.
I’m going through the guilt phase, could I have done more? We had a fractious relationship though a bit different to your situation (I think) that I found an acceptance and forgave her recently- now I’m thinking if I hadn’t done this would she be here longer …. To keep finding peace of mind in other ways! Sounds crazy doesn’t it!! And irrational!
Enjoy seeing your friend today. And we’ll keep sharing and finding ways to keep going.
Take care
Yes I will and I hope you are finding ways to cope . The guilty feelings you are feeling I am feeling them too . I hope to god he can give us strength to get through this. Thank you for your support I hope you can find some peace in your day and the days to come Mandy
There is comfort with this online forum isn’t there. I feel less of a burden talking to a stranger (though still have negative feelings about myself).
I forced myself to meet friends yesterday for our annual train jolly, the alternative would be sat at home probably overeating and my husband encouraging me to go out and do something. We managed to laugh, talk about mum and they’re sensitive, kind friends so no pressure to be anything other than myself. They came to mums day (I don’t like the word funeral) and gave out handmade broaches to family/ friends….. my mum would have loved the attention:)
Let’s keep going …..
Morning Nic . I’m glad you went out with your friends on your train ride it will do you a lot of good and hopefully lower the thoughts of your mum sharing with your friends really helps I know we feel guilty offloading on them but they understand and only want to help us . I also went to the toby carvery for Sunday dinner with my friend and as I hadn’t eaten only a soup the day before I was hungry we talked I cried and we laughed about other things I got home and I forced myself to watch tv and catch up on some of my you tube videos I felt lighter in my thoughts which was nice after the rollercoaster of the last week when mum passsed . I awoke in tears the morning though but just made myself a cuppa tea and calmed down a bit while I’m writing this message to you which also helps . This forum is really good as talking to you and others really helps you to realise we are not alone I hope you take comfort in that. Even though we haven’t met we take comfort in knowing we are all in this together and it’s good to see how others are feeling about their loss as it’s a confusing situation where it’s hard for us to think properly . Today I have adjust booked a doctors appointment so I can get some sleeping tablets and talk about my grief and how it’s affecting my anxiety I might go on some antidepressants to cope with the racing thoughts and calm me down I will also ask her about bereavement counselling . I hope today you can do something to distract yourself and help to calm your thoughts and pain try to go out at least once for some fresh air even to the shop for some groceries and buy a ready meal if you have lost interest in cooking at the moment as I have . Sitting in our pain I think is a better option long term than not expressing your feelings so I hope you can stop beating yourself up and be kind to yourself our mums wouldnt want us to be unhappy although we still will be we can take comfort in knowing the tears we cry are tears of love we had and always will for our beautiful beloved mothers . I will be thinking of you today and hope you get through another day and the evening will bring a bit of peace that’s all we can hope for at this stage god bless