Well, she has a beautiful voice, but I’ll have to save that song for another day…this is being a laugh until you cry until you laugh again day…This is the first day that I have truly felt a spark of excitement!!!
Heather good for you I hope the spark ignites and you have a bright day! I have to admit that my days aren’t as up and down as they used to be, I am trying to move forward as I don’t want my grief to own me, I still have tremendous lows but I am also feeling a positive move forward. Have my future plans been blown out of the water hell yes, not a believer in god so don’t blame him, I believe that everything has a life cycle unfortunately some are shorter than others and the lesson I have learnt from my hubby is regroup replan and advance forward. X
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Yesterday I almost felt like myself. My friend gave me 3 big,big bags full of wool, the local store owner gave me box of patterns. I felt like a kid in a candy store. I realiz that perhaps I overreacted, but it felt so very good to laugh, to be happy, to be excited. I couldn’t /wouldn’t feel guilty about feeling so good for most of the day. He would have been laughing at me I know. I feel changes happening in myself too, a little more all the time. I just push myself to keep moving that direction as much as I can. Grief has such an overwhelming hold on us that it’s hard to believe there’s any joy left. My sadness has deepened and rooted within me, and will always be part of me now. Most days, I’m much better at controlling the very negative memory flashes that cause such pain. They happen and I let it flow, but it’s become easier to bring myself back into the real world. I’m sorry to hear about your future plans…but I do know how it that feels. Che prided himself (and me) on being a survivor. No matter how tough times got we made it through. Every time we moved it was a “new adventure”. My future is very uncertain, and I’m finding it hard to contemplate what is coming. I rent and the owners might decide to sell in the spring. Che was supposed to do work in return for low rent, so his passing has changed the dynamics for all of us. I just have to accept that whatever happens, happens and “the universe” will do with me what it wants…and another adventure might be good for me…Music: I’ve got the same 4 tunes running thru my head that I hum/sing a lot, can’t seem to change them - “Heartbreak Hotel” by Elvis has been with me since the beginning, and I don’t listen to that kind of music - what a strange song to soothe myself with…Regroup,Replan, Advance…and a big hug…
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My last post was directed at you Silverlady…keep on dancing and singing and uplifting yourself…
Heather Diane I read your post with a big smile on my face. We cant change what’s happened to us or our loved ones and being shoved violently off the path on which we were quite happily skipping along. Like you the feeling of change in me is small but it’s there and I am scared to nourish it but and it’s a big but I will because we have to face our fears. I’m sorry for your home situation that must be really scary but sometimes a change might be good? Lol knitting is very theraputic I made a table today drills n stuff I could hear my hubby laughing at me with me made me smile. Thank you for your support, right back at you. X
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We do have so many things to face - we really are stronger than we know. I have a very “simple or primitive” water system that I am spending my day learning about (its getting cold here & it might freeze). It is something I should know about, but never bothered (his department). My friend yesterday said that she is always so proud of herself when she does a job herself. I want to learn that feeling. I have Che’s tools and I am going to get someone to give me a refresher course in the spring so I don’t always have to pay someone for small tasks that I can do myself. I know my limits and won’t be climbing any ladders (at my age). We have to nourish that little seed inside us…having had so very, very much taken away, so abruptly, has left me so vulnerable and almost a stranger to myself. There’s a lot to learn and relearn. It felt so darn good yesterday to be happy for awhile. The home situation is something I’m not really scared about it, more frustrated as it limits making any set plans, or daydreaming for next year. It might be my choice to move. A winter here, alone, will tell the tale, and I hope to make it a pleasant one. I refuse to get negative about it - if there’s a change, so be it…a solo adventure. There has been a big change in my attitude about life. For me, I know the worst thing in my life has happened and the rest is all small change now. I’ve had a really serious attitude adjustment since this happened. I’m having a hard time adjusting to being so mellow, but it is nice and it is helping me to heal. My friend says “Remember the universe will always provide”. And I know with some prompting and dreaming on my part it will…so for now I’m going to take my tiny,tiny little spark of life and keep shining on best that I can…You keep shining on too, I can feel it from here…
Sooooo uplifting, I do enjoy reading what you and Silverlady have to say. I too am looking for a course of some kind to help me use Brian’s tools. He has so many but i can hear him telling me to look after them and not to leave them lying around. I’m almost too nervous to use them in case something happens. If I was to break one, I dread to think what might happen.
It seems that I don’t know my limits because I am constantly going up the ladders, usually to cut down a hedge or Ivy. I dread looking upwards because I lose balance easily but I hate being the useless ‘little woman’ and having to ask other people. I can still hear Brian telling me off and to be careful. He knew what I was like, always the independent one.
Getting back to music helps. Today I played a cassette of Brian. It was homemade and not very good quality now but It was good to hear him at a gig and people clapping and him speaking as well as singing. I put it up really loud, sang along with him (sounded terrible as I was crying at the same time) and danced. I then went into another room and left him singing it was good to know he was in the other room. I’m composed again now, so don’t think it did me any harm.
I look for that light every day sometimes I find it, sometimes not but I do grab at every opportunity to try to find the real me again.
Take care
Pat xxx