I lost my Civil Partner of 24 years recently to cancer. We knew this day would come and we prepared as much as possible. I knew life would be difficult without my beautiful man, but I just cannot cope without him. I just wanted us to grow old together.
I can’t see a future without him, everything seems pointless and my life feels so empty. He was the love of my life and I his. I’ve never loved or been loved like that before, and I realise that life will never be the same, or even equal to what we had. I can’t sleep, I cry constantly, I don’t want to eat and have no motivation to do anything. I don’t know how to move on, as I must.
I feel very isolated in my grief and although some friends and family were there for a while after the funeral, they all have their own lives to live, which is to be expected. I already feel that my grief makes them uncomfortable and they’d rather I talked about something else and this leads to me not being honest about how I’m coping because I don’t want to upset them.
How do I make sense of this loss and move on? At the moment I feel like I’m waiting to die as nothing seems important any more.
Sorry for unloading my baggage here; perhaps typing this out may bring me some relief.
Aww, MC63, I am so very sorry that your partner died. Everything you wrote, I felt. I experienced it all just as you say, We too were married 24 years. We knew the day would come.
Everything you are experiencing is quite normal for grieving spouses. How do we survive? Hour by hour. Eight months, almost nine now and yes, things are better. But, it is a struggle everyday.
They say we lose half of ourselves but in reality we lose the whole of self. Everything changes. Everything. We are no longer the person we were.
“I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I am honored that you spent the rest of yours with me”.
You are going to make it. Absolutely you will.
Pay the bills, make yourself eat a few nibbles a day, rest when you can. Don’t worry about insomnia, stay awake. Don’t get in bed and toss around, stay up and pace the house. Eventually you will sleep, it is guaranteed.
Cry your eyes out. Close the drapes and live in pajamas. It is okay. Whatever you do is okay. It will get better, I promise. Just not yet.
Thank You for your kind and encouraging words Peaches and I’m sorry for the loss of your partner. Hearing from others who know how it feels is so valuable.
I know this is only the beginning of a long and painful journey and at the moment I can’t see a way forward. It’s only two months since I lost my beautiful man and I hate my life without him.
You’re correct in say that we lose our whole selves and that everything changes, I’m no longer the person I was. His love made me who I was.
I’m trying to find structure in the day and trying to get through all the required paperwork, but I have lost all motivation. Things just seem pointless at the moment and I struggle to see a future without him.
I cry a lot and have to force myself to leave the house.I know things will evetually get better, but I will never be the same person I was, or as happy.
MC63
I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is so severe isn’t it? I lost my husband in September 2024 and I have cried every day because I miss him so much. People on this site are kind and supportive.
MC63, you are already moving forward even if it feels like existing in limbo. There isn’t a “zap” that takes it all away, it simply takes a lot of time. Step-by-step.
No, you will never be the same person you were and it is very hard to create a new you and a new life. Surely, everything seems pointless. Once we have lost our loves nothing else really matters, does it? Everything else is so trivial. Things we fussed over before no longer matter as our perspective has changed.
At month 2, I was sorting paperwork and purging the house of excess stuff and many of my husband’s toys. I felt I couldn’t breathe with all the things that made me sad or miss him ever more. It was 4 months before I could start the succession work. Every time I typed his name, I stumbled.
None of us are motivated to do anything, but I can tell you this: 5 things at a time and you will get there.
Right now, you are living in trauma. If you had been in an awful vehicle crash and told it would be a year before you would be able to resume living, you would have an end date to it all. We don’t get that. But, from life’s experiences and first hand knowledge, I can confidently say it will get better. The physical pain will subside, the tears will not come so often and decision making will be easier.
Do not think of the future and grieve the lost plans, you will grieve those things in real time so no need to borrow future grief that isn’t here yet.
When things are awful, I just think of how blessed I was in life to have my husband and 24 years of a fabulous life with him. I am grateful that I had that life, that love, that comfort and safety. So many never do.
I thank him every day for spending these years with me and sharing our wonderful life together. I thank God for sending him to me, the perfect one for me. The only one for me. There is never to be another but he was enough for all of my life.
It is going to be okay. Okay means you will survive, you will have happiness again, you will feel joy again, you will have good days again. Create the best life possible for yourself as no one else can do it for you.
Give it 2 more months and you will find it easier to get through each day and night.
We sort of adapt to it all and forge ahead because we have no choice, do we?
BTW, even 8/9 months of this journey and I still can’t leave the house for more than 3 hours. I force myself to run errands, I decline most invitations, I do not want company, I don’t call anyone as I have nothing but sadness to share and absolutely no one wants to here it.
KateTr, my husband died on September 24, 2024. I found him on the floor of our bedroom. The dense fog rolled in and I am still finding my way with no compass. It is like trying to swim in mud. But, here I am, still swimming and my strokes are getting stronger.
Love and hugs.
Thank you KateTr.
I’m so sorry to hear you lost your husband and I hope things are gradually getting somewhat easier for you. The pain of loss is something I never imagined, it’s a physical pain that is there, at least for me at the moment, every hour of every day.
I’ve never cried so much in my life and I miss him with every bone in my body. As a friend said to me “Grief is the price we pay for love”.
I have to try to remember the great love we shared and how happy we were for 24 years; a happiness I never imagined would exist for me. He showed me what true love is.
Thanks you for sharing your thoughts with me.
Thank you onece again PeachesDixon. Your new message rings true on many levels and is inspiring to read.
If only there were a ‘zap’ button. Creating a new you (me) frightens me to be honest. So much of our lives were spent together that I’ve forgotten how to function as a solo entity. I can’t even see myself as single… my heart belongs to another and always will.
We didn’t live together, but very close by. This has complicated the required (s)admin and I can’t motivate myself to get it done. I know it’s important, but my ‘get up and go’ has gone. There were also foreign assets which is adding to the burden (another will, another solicitor).
I’m at month 2, I am yet to sort out his house and belongings. Every time I open his wardrobe I just crumble.
Before he died I described the situation to a colleague as like being passengers in a runaway car, knowing that it was going to crash and that he wouldn’t make it, we just didn’t know when the crash would happen.
When things were troubling us I used to say to him ‘don’t meet trouble half way’. I must remember not to borrow future grief.
I am so grateful for the time we had together and I was so lucky to to have such a wonderful man in my life. He opened my eyes to the world and what love is really like. As you say, many are not so lucky. My Mother said to me that she wished she’d had a relationship that lasted so long,
I have alovely photograph of him serving at the Sunday service in the local Abbey. I talk to him through the photo, thank him for all he gave me and tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him. He was also the only one for me.
I hope I will be OK, but I find it hard to see that at the moment. At the moment I find no joy in anything and happiness is a distant memory. I just hope it gets a little easier to cope with.
We don’t have a choice but to keep going, but I know I can’t cope with how I feel right now, and from talking with others I have years of this ahead of me.
I try to go to the park each day as I work from home and the park is the only place I feel comfortable, even if I end up crying on a bench. Nature helps calm my soul, but it would be even better with him at my side. Apart from that I don’t go out really and no one comes here; we didn’t have any friends within walking distance. I can go for weeks without speaking with anyone face to face and I think the isolation isn’t good for me, but I too, have nothing but sadness to share. I already feel like ‘that guy’ who only talks about his loss.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts - It has really helped me in hearing what others have experienced and for me to be able to communicate my feelings - I don’t feel like ‘that guy’ on here.
With love and hugs to you too.
Mc please don’t ever apologise for a loss , it’s part of the journey your body is going on and you will get there, but we are never the same as part of us has moved on. You will be a stronger person when the the grief starts to subside and it will. Yes friends do expect us to talk and join in there chat, if you can then do so if not that’s ok to, friends should realise what a massive part of you has been taken away. I still have counciling but then it’s just a couple of months now. Please don’t force yourself into doing things just take your time and things will click. Yes it’s going to take time. I’m trying to learn the ukulele. Promise things will get easier but never goes. My love and prayers to you 
Dear MC63
I am trying to keep myself distracted but I find that after a couple of hours I am exhausted. I try to do something every day. When I look at my calendar and see entire days with nothing in them I dread it. Roger and I spent so much time together and latterly our lives were taken up with tests, scans, blood transfusions, appointments . He was my whole world for so long and I miss him so much.
Kate
Hi Kate. Really sorry to hear about your loss, but don’t exhaust yourself just little and often. As for myself I have removed my calendar and I have started carrying a little notebook to put my thoughts in, then as time goes by you will Se when things started to come back together. You can’t please mr grief but you can fool him. I understand your grief as my partner passed 2 months ago. And I am waiting on sky to install WiFi and tv so I really find my notebook my best friend. Things will get better but not to how it was. Please be patient
Thank you David. I write down my thoughts and feelings- not necessarily every day. I find mornings the most difficult. Sometimes I just don’t want to get up and face the world - it’s too painful.
Yes I to find that that time of the day the same, but after breakfast and my hello’s to my partner and it’s then I take note book out and look to Se if things need doing. I miss my partner so very much but she was the organiser and took tasks to hand so you can imagine what I’m going through. I’m getting there I no she is helping as thing are coming into place. I have no family to speak to, if I had I wouldn’t want to burden them with my thoughts. Her family I have no time for. You will get there.
Thank you David13,
I’m just over a couple of months in and I’m on a waiting list for counselling, although I have called various grief support lines out of necessity - I just needed to speak to someone (anyone) and to release some of the overwhelming greif. At the moment I find it difficult to be with friends and to act normally. There is only one thing on my mind and I don’t want my grief to be a ‘downer’ for them.
I’ve been trying to lookup new things to do as we did everything together and those activities now only serve to remind me of the hole in my life.
I know things will eventually get better…albeit very slowly…I just hope I can hold on for that long.
My love and prayers to you too.
Well I have taken up trying to play the ukulele and I am starting to re decorate my front room, of course you will get there I thought exactly the way you do. I talk to people from mc millan and they call me. And it was last Wednesday I went out to town for a walk about but something was wrong and I came bk home, I cried my heart out called mental health nurses left a message. Later that day nurse phoned and I was still upset on the phone and she managed to calm me down. They came to se me and will be keeping in contact plus going to a sign a support worker for me , so there is help out there.
Dear Kate,
I’m back working from home, so I do have something which should distract me, but I find this then makes me more anxious as there are 101 things that still need to be done regarding my partner’s estate and working stops me from doing that. It is exhausting too, but this never translates to being able to sleep.
My calendar is also empty and friends sometimes ask what I have planned for the weekend and my answer is always the same - “nothing”.
I find the evenings and weekends the hardest. Although we didn’t live together we spoke at least twice a day, every day, and spent our weekends together when he would stay here. We also made a point to be together at my place every Thursday night as it was the day we used to meet up before we fell in love. Every fortnight, since the day we met, he bought me flowers (white Oriental lillies), and I continue to now buy them for myself - a small way to honour the love we shared. He was a truly remarkable, generous and loving man. I was so lucky.
As with you, my partner Tim, was constantly needing tests, scans, treatments and etc. which meant we spent much more time together facing the inevitable time when he would no longer be here. Tim was my whole world too and made me a better person.
Please take care of yourself and, if you have one nearby, just go and sit on a bench in the park for a while. I find some calm in sitting outside and listening to the birds. It’s still difficult to do and I still cry while in the park, but it does lift a tiny amount of the grief.
Take care and try to keep moving forward.
Dear David,
I must find something to fill, what seems like, the endless solitude and sadness that now fill my life. I’m not sure the ukulele is for me though.
It sounds like you have a good mental health nurse. I got a 10 minute appointment with the local mental health nurse which, if I’m honest, was awful. She only seemed interested in whether or not I was planning on killing myself. Added to that she asked if we had any adult children, so obviously hadn’t read any notes which would have told her I was in a same sex relationship. She then made it obvious that my time was up and that was that.
Hopefully I won’t have to wait much longer for the appointment with the counsellor, but I will accept any help that is offered as I can’t do this alone.
Take care David and I hope you master the ukulele.
Thank you very much. And I hope everything you do turns to gold. You deserve a good mental health nurse. You will get there just have faith and keep talking to your partner as it brings healing. Good luck with your future. And if you want to burn someone’s here, I’m always here take care and God bless my prayers go with you.
Thank you for your lovely message. I cannot bear the pain some days. I miss Roger so much and I feel sick and tired and lonely. I try to find things to do most days but my life feels pointless.
Kate
Thank you David,
I’m trying my best to keep going and to find some direction for my new life. Having this outlet for my thoughts and fears, and the kind and encouraging words from people such as yourself, is a great help. I feel friends and family think I should be ‘getting over it by now’, but in reality I’m only at the begining of this awful and unwanted chapter of my life.
I loved the life we had - everything about it. It is gone forever, and with it the best person I have ever known; whatever follows will never come close to that. I’m not sure I can live like this.
Dear Kate,
I know exactly how you feel as I have the same feelings. I miss Tim with every fibre i my body and my heart aches to be with him again. I can’t eat as I feel sick as soon as start a meal - I’ve lost nearly a stone in weight, and I’m not a big guy. Sleeping more than a couple of hours is still almost impossible and leaves my tired and lethargic.
My life now feels empty and poitless - I think why bother with anything as it will make no difference. Things that were important to me now seem irrelevant and trivial. I used to think we were aiming for things we both wanted in later life, but without him I want nothing else but to be with him. All I wanted was to grow old together.
Take care Kate and my thoughts are with you.