I wrote a post about anticipatory grief for my darling mum a few days ago. Unfortunately she passed away early hours of this morning. I feel completely numb in that I think I will still go and see her today at the hospice but also a sense of complete despair as deep down I know what has happened. I do not know how I will make it through the days without her. She was by best friend, my compass and anchor in life. I cant envision a life without her. I cant even beleive I am writing this post
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Hello Becky.
Please accept my condolences on the passing of your beautiful mum. It is unbelievable and that is one of the many things that we feel. I know i mentioned my mam before. It is six months since she passed and I still cannot believe it. Even though we lived together for 60 years I still think sometimes that she has just nipped somewhere and will be back soon.
There is no correct answer for the forthcoming days and weeks. People say to take it hour by hour and day by day and you think to yourself: how can I? But you do. It doesn’t change or it hasn’t changed anything for me, but it is what I did and I look back to March the 21st and still wonder how i managed it.
Please look after yourself. Your grief is really new and so raw. Cry when you need to cry. It helps to relieve your grief. Your beloved mum was always there for you and you were always there for her. She is with you always Becky. In your dreams, in your memories and in your heart.
God bless and thinking of you at such a sad and emotional time. Stephen.
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I’m so sorry Becky. It’s such a shock to you, even when you know it’s coming. Take each day, each hour, each minute one at a time. I felt, and still do feel, exactly as you do and I still don’t know how to cope with life without my mam.
Sending you gentle hugs xx
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Thank you both for your replies. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. I lost my dad at 16 but somehow this feels a different type of loss. Me and my mum had such a bond for 41 years. When I lost my dad I was younger and sheltered a lot by my mum. But to lose her is beyond painful. I keep getting that panicked feeling I wont see or hear her and I have to sit or stand up. I feel like I will scream so I cry to let it out. It is the worst feeling so far that desperate anxiety. As if you are trying to pray and wish and beg for them to come back to life. It is horrendous x
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Hello Becky.
I can completely understand your feelings. The panic. I have experienced it that too. It is awful. I felt like I just wanted to leave the house and keep running. I didn’t know where and I never did it ,but I suppose I was wanting to escape what had happened.
I can also empathise with you regarding when your beloved dad passed away. When my dad passed away, me and mum were absolutely heartbroken. The only thing was having each other for support. I had mam to support me and she had me to support her. When mam passed away, I didn’t have anyone really to talk to or help.
Sending you all my kindest thoughts and my continuing support. God bless, Becky. Stephen.
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Hi Becky. I’m so sorry 
we know how you feel. It’s been more than 8 months since my Mum died unexpectedly and at the moment I feel like my grief is more painful & intense than it was before, the whole world including my family & friends seem to have moved on with life & nobody has asked how I really am for months.
I understand the anticipatory grief, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer only a few weeks after Mum died, he was given an estimate of 8 months to live but has now entered month 9 which is great but at the same time, I’m now just waiting for him to leave us for good now too.
Talk to people around you about how you’re feeling, one mistake I’ve made especially recently is not doing that and now I feel really isolated & alone, and struggling to cope with daily life again x
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Hi Stephen. I hope you are doing ok today and thanks for a lovely reply. We seem to have had very similar experiences. Although I feel the way I do for 41 years, I can only imagine 60 years of memories like you have. If im honest I always hoped i would go before my mum as I knew what I would feel like losing her. I have never been that emotionally strong to be honest and my mum was always there to balance me out and give her advice. She was my person who would help regulate me. Now I am going through this and don’t have her here its got even worse. I genuinely just can’t beleive she has gone. Did you do anything that you felt helped with getting through the day? Much love to you x
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Hi jonny. Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear about your lovely mum and about your lovely dad. My heart really does go out to you. As said before I lost my dad at 16 but always had mum at my side. I understand the pain at the thought of losing both parents. It really is unbearable. I am glad to hear your dad is still fighting and with you but I understsnd how bitter sweet that is. He sounds like a very brave and strong person. I do feel I need to talk about my feelings your right. I speak to my partner and family but it is a lot for for them to process too. I feel I need some counselling and will be looking to book in with someone. The grief is just too much for me to cope with alone. We are here for you if you need to talk. I have found this space helpful in that I am not alone in what im going through. That does offer some comfort x
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Good morning Becky.
Thank you very much for your lovely message. Being alone is heartbreaking as you have said. Also, it is so true when you say you had your lovely mam to help, love, support and advise you.
I found that too. We all chatted and discussed everything. Even though mam had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, she was doing very well and was always there for me God bless her. If i felt a bit off colour she used to say come here and let’s have a look at you. I used to go across to her chair and bend down. She used to put both of her hands on my face, look me in the eye and say: you look blooming lovely Stephen.
As you say Becky, even though i have a brother and 2 nieces, they didn’t visit much when mam was alive.
In terms of getting through each day Becky these are the things I did: it sounds daft, but cleaning and housework. Me and mam always had a spotless home and we always cleaned together, so i continue to keep our home spotless. I used to ring Marie Curie bereavement support. The number is on the web but I can give it you. I used to speak to them freely about mam and my feelings. I sometimes was on a hour. I ring them occasionally now. You speak to a different volunteer each time. They also offer you when you want to take it up, six sessions of 45 minutes length at the same time every week on the same day. You speak to the same person each time. They aren’t trained counsellors but have experience of it. The lady who i spoke with called Heidi was great.
I also found this group. The Sue Ryder one. The people I message on here really help. Another thing was I found a local grief cafe. It was once a fortnight where you have a cup of tea and chat. That helped a bit.
I speak out loud to my mam and dad all day every day and because I know what they would say I imagine their replies. I still set a place for mam at our dining table at dinner and tea. I put cutlery and a plate there . No food but a cup of tea and i chat to mam over dinner and tea like I used to do.
There are a couple of other things I do but I don’t want to overwhelm you. Your grief will be so raw. God bless you Becky. Sending you all my kindest thoughts and support. Stephen.
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Hi Stephen. Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about the cleaning. We were the same. I have been keeping up with that even when mum was in hospital/hospice as it gave me something to focus on as well. I will check if there are any grief meetings near me as I quite like talking to others about their experiences. Yes that number would be great please. I find the evenings worst at the moment as that was the time I would be sitting with mum the most. I have had to go out this week a lot as if I sit there when its getting dark I feel this wave of awful panic and dread come over me. I got into a terrible state last night. Just walking around her room calling out to her and crying . It really is the worst time of my life x
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Hello Becky.
God bless you. I feel so sad for you. What you have written reminds me so much of my own experience.
It is good to hear about your daily routine. As you know, I do too and although it doesn’t stop me being upset, it just keeps a focus on something else for a while.
I think because it is getting darker, it has such an awful effect too. Me and mam, like you and your mum were always together day and night. Our night time ritual was for us to watch our telly programmes together. I was always chatting with mam and looking across at her in her armchair. She used to get tired around 8.30pm and nodded off to sleep, but the main thing is that she was there in her chair. Safe and comfortable.
The grief is terrible Becky. Mam has been passed away nearly 7 months, but i cry so much for her every day. I wish there was a magic wand to bring our beloved mums back. I have been crying two or three times already this morning. Crying out as you did in your beautiful mum’s bedroom is something else we have in common.
Marie Curie Support Line: 0800 090 2309.
Monday to Friday: 9.00am until 6.00pm and Saturday, Sunday and Bank Holidays: 10.00am until 4.00pm.
Give them a try Becky. It helps a bit. I am always here to support you and sending you all my blessings and best wishes.Stephen.
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Hi Stephen. How are you doing today? Thank you for that info I will definitely try calling them. I am hoping the counselling will also help as I know I need professional support or I will never get through this. I really am glad you have found some good support which provide some help against this awful time of our lives. I have struggled immensely. I know you understand when I talk of the horrendous pain and sadness I feel at the moment. Its only been 4 days but it feels like 4 years since I saw mum. I genuinely can’t see a time when I will ever get better. Mum was such a part of the fabric of my life since i was born that living without her is unbearable. I think I always thought mum would come home from hospital because she always had and was always so strong and bounced back. If im honest even when she was in the hospice I still prayed for a miracle and thought maybe she will just start getting better. I think it was a mixture of denial and hope to the very end. I just cant explain the complete devastation I feel at not seeing her lovely face and lovely smile and giving her a big hug. I also stroked my mums face or would tickle her because she hated it haha but she would be laughing away. She was such a strong, determined funny woman. Everyone described her as such as a character. I just loved her more than anything in the world. As you say its the greatest gift to have that bond but also the hardest when we lose them in the physical sense. X
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Hello Becky.
Thank you for your reply. I know you said it is 4 days since your beautiful mum passed away and it feels like four years. I can empathise with that. Today was 29 weeks since mam passed away. Not long in real terms, but it feels like years since i hugged her or mam was putting her head on my shoulder after i had dressed her on a morning and saying I love you Stephen and I would say I love you too mam.
The thing is Becky we said it many times a day to each other. I know how heartbreaking and difficult and emotional it is for you now. I feel today and many other days ,the same as the day mam passed away. No different at all.
Try Marie Curie when you feel up to it. I hope your siblings are supporting you . That can help a lot.
Life isn’t the same Becky, without my mam. It will feel the same for you too. Most days I feel like I am pretending. Putting on a show and it is all a dream.
We lived with our mums and kept them close and loved them so much. They would do anything for us and we would do anything for them.
Now our lives lack that love, care and structure and that deep love for our mums is evident in the all consuming grief. Keep in touch. Sending you all my blessings and hugs. Stephen 
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Hi Stephen. Thanks for your message. I hope you have had a peaceful Sunday. Yes life is very different without our beautiful mothers. I have wrote down some things I need to talk about with the councillor once I start the appointments. My grief is very mixed up with lots of guilt and anger as I guess most people’s are. I feel guilty I didnt do enough for mum before hand and I felt angry today about what happened to her. I keep thinking could mums situation of been different if she hadnt broke her hip. I went out today for a few hours as being in the house too long becomes claustrophobic for me at the moment. I just found myself looking around at people and objects and hearing the music on the radio. I kept asking why are all these things still here on this earth but my mum isnt. Silly I know. X
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Good evening Becky.
Your questioning of things is so perceptive. I speak for myself and the other lovely people I message with on here.
We all think the same things. Why is this happening and why are people wandering about laughing and chatting and enjoying themselves when our beautiful and beloved mums are no longer with us. It is something I have said to my brother. He just says well they are living their lives, but he cannot see my ( our) frustration at what we truly believe is a complete misjustice and our mams should be here.
I also know that anger and grief Becky are common emotions that we feel. Not just in the early days either. My main emotion is anger at the passing away of my beautiful mam. I do know that a lot of people always think of could have, would have, should have.
My view on this Becky is that we look back on what has happened. It gives us time to think and question what occurred. At the time we were in the present, in the moment. This for all of us is where we did what we believe was the right thing for our beloved mums.
I cannot say to anyone don’t feel guilty, because that is how they maybe feel at the moment. I can say though that the guilt is just something our brain does to try to make us think of how we could have changed things.
I think you did right Becky to go out. Sometimes staying in can make us feel worse. I do empathise with your thoughts overall. I go for a coffee as me and mam did many times. Sat chatting and looking at mam. I sit on my own with a coffee looking across at the empty seat where mam should be sat. I look round and see couples and families all sat chatting and having a good time. This makes me even sadder.
As I said to my uncle many months ago when mam had just passed away and he kept saying. You need to get out. I used to say to him. I do go out. There are people as I move around, but ultimately, I am still alone.
I hope my words haven’t made you feel worse Becky, I am just trying to let you know that you aren’t alone or on your own because all of the people I message and myself included, feel like you do.
I hope you are managing to sleep okay and your appetite is as it should be. Please keep in touch. Sending you all my support, kind thoughts and best wishes.Stephen
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Good afternoon Stephen. Thanks for your reply. Yes its exactly how I feel now. Its like being in a parallel universe. I can see life still moving along as it was when I had mum. But now I’m on the other side of it without her. There was a famous TV show called Stranger Things. Im not sure if you heard of it. Me and mum watched all the series. In that show there is an alternate reality called the upside down. Its basically real life but the complete opposite with no happiness or goodness. That’s how I feel now like im in the upside down without mum. Im glad to be speaking to you and others because you really do understand what I mean. My family and friends can resonate with a lot but all of them had their own seperate lives, homes, new family units. While a loss is loss we experience it in a very profound and different way in my opinion. Yes I think getting fresh air everyday is important. I have a dog called Harry and i take him for his walks. I dont think its healthy for me at the moment to be inside too much. I am not working currently. Im not sure when I will feel ready to go back but I dont think it will be anytime soon. I know its a terrible loneliness but always remember you have us to talk to at anytime about how you feel. We have to stick together and our mums would of been glad we had someone to talk to as well. Thinking of you my friend. Take care x
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Good afternoon Becky.
Thank you for your lovely message and support. There is a saying: Great minds think alike. I say this because me and mam watched all seasons and episodes of Stranger Things as well. Our favourites were the first three seasons, but we saw them all. That is what we always did Becky, the same as you and your mum.
I got mam washed and into her pyjamas and dressing gown and then I had a bath and by 6.30pm most evenings we were sat watching our telly shows together. We always liked the same things.
The upside down in Stranger Things is a perfect metaphor for our lives now. The upside down was very dark and overpowering.
I am glad to hear that you have Harry the dog, so you can get out and about on walks together. Sending you all kindest thoughts and blessings. Stephen.
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Hi Stephen. How are you? Wow that’s amazing you and your lovely mam also watched it. We are all very similar by the sounds. How has your week been so far? I tried to keep myself busy today painting fences which me and mum used to do together. I must admit it has hit me like a ton of bricks this evening. I must remind myself its only been over a week for mum but it feels like years already since I saw her x
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Hello Becky.
It will hit you hard thinking of your beloved mum. As you say, it is a week since your mam passed away but it feels longer. I can empathise with your feeling of that. I count and counted the weeks too. It will be 30 weeks this Saturday and i do the same routine.
My mum came home under palliative care and she passed away at home in our dining room where we had a NHS bed set up. It was 11.45am on Saturday the 21st of March. Mam was 82. So every Saturday I sit in the dining room with my chair in the same place as it was when mam passed away. I sit from 11.40am until 11.50am and cry. It seems a long time since we were together.
It is good you are keeping busy doing something you and your mum would have done together. On a Tuesday and a Friday I volunteer at Doncaster Museum and Art gallery. I started in July. I only started after mam’s passing because before we were always either at home together or out somewhere together. Other times I like doing the housework and I go shopping on a Monday. Me and mam used to go together on a Friday to do it but it is too sad for me now to do it then so I moved it to Monday.
Sending you all my support and kindest thoughts Becky. Best wishes.Stephen.
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Stephen, you sound like me. I also lost my Mam on a Saturday, and every Saturday I play each hour over and over until the time she passed away 11.15pm. I cry every day anyway, but Friday and Saturday are always the worst. Friday was the last full day she was alive and the day I moved into the hospital to be with her full time. Saturday I sat and watched her sleep most of the day due to the amount of morphine she was on. She woke up just before the cardiac arrest telling me she didn’t feel right, but couldn’t explain what the problem was, so I held her hand and tried to calm her. Next thing I knew she had a quick seizure type of thing (when her heart stopped I assume), and not long after that, she was gone. I still can’t believe she isn’t here any more. I keep wondering when this whole thing will get easier, and I don’t feel it ever will.
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