Aww Mary I’m totally with you. Its the worst feeling anyone could possibly have. Loved my joy so much and keep asking Why? My ex husband says we are not unique!! I don’t want to hear that, it’s an acceptance of this bloody awful fate!
There is no solution, we are not going to get our sons back and I keep thinking we are going to wake up from this mightmare!!
No words!!
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Mary I do feel the same way you do and I can feel your pain too. My brother lost his son 2.5 years ago and my sister-in-law says that although she grieves for him each and every day, the sharp edges of her sorrow have softened and she can talk about him without bursting into tears. But she admits her life will never be the same. So soon after our gorgeous sons left us we aren’t ready for this yet. Where there is deep grief, there was deep love.
We have to take small steps. I’m just repeating what people tell me - even though I can’t imagine getting past this terrible grief now. A few days before he died, my Joey hugged me tight and said “I’m so sorry mom, for causing you so much sorrow - and I know you’ll always be sad.”
I hope with every fibre of my being that the day will come when I can go on with a new life, when I won’t give grief to my other son, even though I know I will miss my Joey for the rest of my life!! F*** this club we all belong to! 
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Yes James told his wife that the saddest thing he had to do would be to tell me he had cancer and then to tell me his final diagnosis. That’s the part he dreaded most. he hated to see me crying!!
I miss his short texts, “you OK Mum?”,
This grief will never leave us. It just affects every single part of our lives.
Sleep well if you can.
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Oh you sleep well too Suzie!! I just can’t deal with the fact we can’t find a day when we can’t all rejoice in the memories of our children and caste off some of this terrible pain!! Let’s try just a smidgeon of positivity!
How about we all post something positive about our sons tomorrow? I know my son Joey, who’s only been gone a little over two weeks now, would be encouraging me now! Remember the good times, mom!! Ok moms? Something positive! See you tomorrow! You other moms are helping me now in these dark days! Thank you!
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Yes we will do that Annemarie! Xx I wanted to post a photo but didn’t know how to do it?
Xxx
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I’ve been out all day. I went to visit my daughter and her two small children. The little ones lift my sad heart. My daughter she misses her brother and she knows I am in pain, but we try to support each other. I wish she lived nearer, it’s quite a journey to get to her.
Home again now, and I’ve just caught up on all your messages.
All I can say is, I understand all the things you are saying.
We just want our sons back. We don’t want to have to go on without them. But we have to.
Goodnight to you all. Peace and Love - SusanJ
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Hello everyone,
I lost my 24 years old son in Feb 22 of Non hodgkin’s lymphoma.He was diagnosed in December 21.It is extremely difficult to live my life without him.it just happened so suddenly as there is no cancer case in our family.He was super intelligent boy and got first class in computer science and about to start MSc in Artificial intelligence.Its so difficult to sleep at night and yes I have lost my faith and always question why him.I don’t talk to other people as they don’t understand and just increased my pain by feeling sorry fo me but glad to be here as we are going through the same thing.
Ghaz x
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So sorry to hear that Ghaz. You are going through exactly the same as we all are on here. There is no logic behind this wicked disease, it chooses its victims randomly. We’ve all had wonderful sons who absolutely wanted the best out of their lives. It’s just tragic and as a mum I know I will never be the same happy, bubbly person I was 3 years ago before James was ill. Everyone close to me is suffering, not just at the loss of him, but at the complete change in me and they are all concerned about my fragility. I do talk to many friends and they are all understanding and as parents themselves cannot imagine how they would be in the same situation. It helps to talk about him, I’m unable to look at photographs and videos yet but I hope that will come in time and I can rejoice in the happy years I had with him.
We have all been through so many emotions. I get so angry that this should happen to one of mine and feel I should have protected him from this awful outcome. Unfortunately we can’t get them.back but our grief will take as long as it takes for all of us.
We all wish this pain would go away but I’m afraid we’ll have to live with it .
I have felt better since talking to other mums on here.
My heart will always be broken .
If only love had been enough they would all still be with us. 
thinking of you and your precious boy Ghaz xx
Thank you so much for your message, it helps that I am not alone, I will visit him today, going to cemetery. I always think, life would be so different if he is with us .We were very close to each other and he never loved anywhere else without me.His room is still locked and something I wear his number to feel the smell when he was alive xx
I understand completely what you mean, Suzy. As you say too, it helps to talk to friends, but unless they too have lost a son or a daughter, they can’t possibly fully comprehend the enormity of such a loss. How it eats into your every waking moment.
My loss is much more recent than yours - Joey’s only been gone a few weeks and the edges of my grief are still so raw and sharp. On the one hand, I get comfort from talking to other moms on this site, but on the other hand, it frightens me too: 3 years or 5 years down this awful road and still such grief? I just can’t imagine it.
In the beginning of Joey’s cancer in the summer and fall of 2021, we were all hopeful that he would recover and he especially was very upbeat. But since this past winter it slowly became darker and darker, with the various chemo protocols not really working. The pain became unbearable (whoever said that modern medicine can control pain? Only to a certain extent!) and the cancer spread. Then last summer after being hospitalised for 50 days at the Lausanne University hospital for high density chemo and a stem cell transplant, we thought we would already lose him then. I was with him every day and thought that nothing was worse than seeing my son suffer so much. In the dark days when he was put into an artificial coma the people around me kept saying how strong I was, how well I was coping. Ha! Little did they know I was dying inside but I kept it together for Joey. I had no choice. Worse than the idea of losing my child, I would say, was watching my sweet son suffer so terribly and not being able to do anything about it - just to be there for him. But he rallied for 5-6 weeks this summer and we once again became hopeful. But it didn’t last. The cancer continued to eat him up from the inside despite all the valiant efforts from the world class medical staff to stop it.
Then after his death, when there was a relief he was finally at peace, not suffering anymore, came the run up to the amazing celebration of his life. It gave me strength to see how much he was loved and admired and how many hundreds and hundreds of people came. He would have loved the whole thing: fabulous eulogies, great music, his brother the MC who also spoke so movingly about him, and so did I. I kept it together for 15 minutes and spoke clearly and articulately. I had to! We rented a great venue downtown in our city which was his favourite place and invited the hundreds of people to join us. They all came and everyone talked about him, had great stories to share. As I said, he would have loved it!
Two days later my family, who had come already before the funeral, left, as did my son Kevin. Jobs to go back to.
And now there is this vast emptiness. Although I’m officially retired as an English high school teacher, I still worked about 25% . I’ve stopped and don’t see myself going back to that. Enough. You say, Suzy, what a bubbly person you always were and how concerned your family are with the changes they see in you. And that’s three years down the road:cry:
!!!
My son Kevin is convinced I’ll be going skiing in the Alps with him again this winter, that it will be good for me, and that within some months I’ll want to make plans to travel again - I’m an inveterate globetrotter. But I just don’t see it, as early days still as it is. What’s the point? There’s a massive gap in my heart, in my body, as if someone has shot a missile through it.
It’s sunny and warm out today - lose family friends have invited us out for a walk by the lake. But I can’t. We’d see lots of happy families doing the same. I just want to stay in my darkened room and wallow in my grief.
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Hi Annemarie, the diagnosis was nearly 3 years ago but James has been gone 9 weeks only so it is still very raw because like you he had responded to amazing treatment and we thought he had beaten it on May 30th this year. By 24th June it gad reappeared in his brain and he was told he would have a maximum 6 months. He lasted 10 weeks, wanted to die at home so that’s when his wife and I made a pact to look after him together at home with the help of district nurses and the GP. The nurses kept saying we had given him the greatest gift caring for him like palliative care nurses. We had both done caring for the elderly but this was entirely different and I think I am suffering PTSD watching his deterioration over the 10 weeks. I can’t close my eyes without visualising him in those last weeks when he became my baby again. I only hope he knew I was there with him holding his hand until he took his last breath.
I would do it all over again but has left such a lasting imprint in my head I’m indescribably sad.
The week after he died I was quite together and very practical but as the weeks went on and after the funeral, a wonderful celebration of his life, I became more sad more sad.
I fear for my marriage if I can’t get better but don’t really care. 
Sun is shining here today too so best get myself together! Still no.internet!
Sue
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I have one of James’s fleeces which I wear when it’s really cold. I feel as if he is with me too. Xx
Sue
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Sorry Suzy! There’s another Sue or Susan on this site who list her son three years ago. I apologise for getting you mixed up. So you’re a recent member of this horrible club you. I do find comfort in speaking with you.,
The only thing I’ve been able to read is Grateful for the Color Blue, surviving the death of an adult child. Written in 2004 I think, but it rings a real cord with me. Am reading it on my cellphone in kindle edition. Can recommend it.
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I feel all your pain as it is exactly like mine my son died 27 days ago and feel my life over
But he has suffered so much for two years multiple myeloma I too cannot look at pictures cannot stop crying
But today I will have to pull myself up
My daughter in law now I’ll and two scared boys waiting for me to sort them out feed them and help their grief
Hope I get some strength to cope and help them all
Love to u all thank u for sharing helps the loneliness x
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I think there are a lot of Sues, Susans, Susies. That’s why always sign myself SusanJ.
In my case, I am 6 months down the line. My son died in April. He first became ill in 2019, when he was on holiday with his family in France. My other son flew over to look after the family, arrange for an ambulance to bring Oliver and wife home, then he flew home with the two children. Oliver was admitted to hospital in London and had an 11-hour operation to remove a brain tumour. He came out of that and recovered well. We all rejoiced after a nightmare. But over the years, the tumour kept re-growing, and it took his life in April 2022. My daughter-in-law is marvellous, she looked after him at home and I spent a lot of time with them.
Now it breaks my heart to see how sad they are. Also how sad my other darling son is - he did everything he could for his brother and he is a broken man. He will recover, I hope.
As a mum, I don’t think I’ll ever recover.
I also follow another thread on this “Losing A Son” site - it’s called “Loss of my son aged 27”. On there, there are people who have lost children 5 or 6 years ago, still suffering. Not just mums, but fathers too are grieving their sons and daughters. So much sorrow and heartbreak.
Mary, I hope your daughter-in-law will soon feel better. She’s lucky to have you, and I’m sure the boys will be comforted to have you there.
Thankyou for the book recommendation, Annemarie. It might help. I have good friends, but no-one really knows what this is like.
We have to keep going, to do what we can. It’s unbelievably hard.
Keep strong, my friends.
With love - SusanJ
Yes, I too follow the other site you mentioned Susan Loss of a 27-year-old son - hence my confusion about how long it’s been since someone’s son died.
One of the things I grieve for too is the fact that my son Joey had no children - so I have no grandchildren to at least help me go on and gain some strength from. Joey’s cancer was metastatic testicular cancer, so he was advised to freeze his doers before his orchiectomy and subsequent chemo. He’d had a long term relationship before but just a number of casual girlfriends since so there was no one in the picture. He was an incredibly sociable fella but he didn’t rule out wanting kids at some point down the road. Well, that didn’t happen, did it? My other son Kevin, a wonder, wonderful son, who has always been a rock for me, is gay. He loves children and has a godson and a goddaughter - children of two close friends couples - and he absolutely dotes on them. So some of my grief stems from this too.
This site with all you other moms going through this terrible grief sure does lead to honesty and opening up, doesn’t it?
I hope you get some respite from your grief on this sunny Sunday.
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My son was exactly in the same situation, RCHOP did not put him in complete remission and he had salvaged chemotherapy followed by stem cell transplant and we were celebrating that he was cured and cancer will never come back. We booked a studio flat for him at the uni and we were given green signal by Macmillan cancer centre , uCLH in London.But after a week, he had a fever, admitted to UCLH and then ended up going to ICU on the ventilator and within five days he died.He was a brave boy and never let me read anything about his cancer and always says everything will be okay and I will fight with the cancer.I saw him very poorly since he was diagnosed and hospitalized for most of the time with low blood count, blood transfusions and so many other issues.
I am 49 years old and science teacher in secondary school.Only.people understand when they lose their child.
I hate getting sympathy from other people and kept on asking me how I feel.
Loads of love
Ghaz
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Oh Ghaz, I understand only too well. I’m 20 years older than you and you might think this is a strange comment, and one my elder son would not appreciate, but I am glad I’m not younger so that I don’t have to go through another 3 or 4 decades without him.
A friend of mine (I know 8 people personally who have lost children to disease, accident or suicide!! Far, far too many!!) lost her 21-year-old daughter to leukaemia when she was 42. She’s now 75. All the tears she has cried. Oceans of them. Yes, she’s had a pretty good life since, she travels, writes, sees friends and family. Yet she said she’s never been whole again, never the person she was. She’s had to rearrange all her expectations in life, build a new life for herself as it were. A very daunting idea. I’m not ready for that yet. It’s too soon. I’ve got no energy for anything.
I guess I’m lucky in a sense that I have about 24 hours of podcasts to watch of my son’s “cancer journey” Having a Ball with Joseph Barnes. I rewatched the last one he did only 6 days before his death. Although it is heartbreaking - it’s the only one he briefly cries in towards the end - I’m also so incredibly proud of his courage and fortitude and I know he’d not want me to break down. He’d want me to be strong too. But it’s so hard!
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Morning Annemarie, I’ve had a day yesterday of complete disbelief in my situation and that James is still in Wales. Its really weird how your mind works. I met with my older sister, she’s 85, and my niece yesterday. My sister just doesn’t get it, she says I shouldn’t have cared for him at home and he should have been in a hospice. She just doesn’t get it, I would do it again and whatever he wanted. I’m the youngest of 7, all quite a bit older, and the first to lose a child. I’m asking why us? What did we do wrong? I’m starting to help in the charity shop tomorrow, don’t know whether it will help.
Got our covid jabs this morning so better get moving!!
Hope everyone is OK.
Sue x
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Hi Suzy, what a privilege it was for you to be able to care for James at home! I fully understand the feeling of disbelief in what your situation is like - that you imagine him still being in Wales. You expect him to call you but he can’t! Your sister can’t understand you because no one can if they’ve not had to bury a child. We other moms can - and I can so feel your pain and disarray.
My Joey died in hospital but he was set to be moved to a wonderful hospice nearby. A beautiful place with 24/7 open doors for family and friends, a wonderful restaurant, a huge private suite and the possibility for the family to stay with him at night.,He was on high doses of Fentanyl for the terrible pain, and being at home was not an option. However, we hoped once they had finished the 10-day radiotherapy of the tumours in his brain & back, that his pain could be managed sufficiently for him to have some time to take care of his bucket list. As it was, the end cabe far too fast. There was never time to start the radiotherapy. He had to be sedated and the second morning we told him it was ok to go. The doctors said he most likely heard us. His dad, his brother and I were with him and held his hands. Only minutes later he died.
My elder son was here yesterday and is getting increasingly worried about me. I’ve basically not come out of bed for 10 days now except for a short trip to the doctor and on Saturday we went to Joey’s apartment.
On his bedside table I found a convocation for the university hospital for November 14. He was to get a scan to see if the latest chemo protocol had worked sufficiently for the remaining tumours to be surgically removed. But it was too late:cry:
I hope you have a good day at the charity shop and that it helps you take your mind off your loss for just a wee bit. And I hope your colleagues are understanding. It’s grey here do I shall stay in bed again. I was told to do three things each day: today’s are water the houseplants (don’t see much point, half of them are dead anyway from neglect), clean the toilets and … can’t think of another one. And to think I used to have 50 items on my to do list before this nightmare.
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