Aww Annemarie, there are no words. I feel your pain. Its in my heart constantly but its 9 weeks now so I try to think he’s still there . My daughter in law is struggling too but we have Jess to keep going for. You have Kevin and he needs you, it will break his heart to see you like this. My daughter checks up on me every day. I want to look in the memory box but know I’m not strong enough for that yet. I’m so, so sorry for us both and all the other mums, I’m sick of comments like thank goodness we had our holiday!! I wanted many more with him. Doesn’t help that its winter coming either!
I’m thinking about you
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And I’m thinking about you too, Suzie! I’m 3 weeks, you’re 9. Both early days but my friend Brigitte lost her son 5 years ago and still struggles at times. My sister-in-law who lost her son 2.5 years ago says she’s learning to live with it but that sounds so miserable, so second best if you know what I mean.
One wonderful thing did happen though, today. I told you, I think, that I lost the little wooden bracelet Joey wore all this past year, that I’d slipped it off his wrist moments after he died and onto mine, and then I went and lost it last Friday? I was beside myself all weekend! Well, I posted it on Facebook and it got shared loads and loads of times and someone found it!!!
That offset the fact that the plants still haven’t been watered:) And I just took a home Covid test (negative) as I have what I now know is a lousy cold. I never once had as much as a sniffle throughout Joey’s 16-month cancer journey, as I was too afraid I’d give him something. We were all boostered up of course - his friends all were too - as his immune system was terrible because of the chemo. My husband, Joey and I are about the few people I know who never got Covid. Loads got it even when they were vaccinated. Have a nice evening, Suzie! I hope you can relax a little and I wish you only good memories of James tonight in your dreams.
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So pleased to read that the bracelet has been found. I hope it brings you a little comfort.
Don’t be too hard on yourself for staying indoors and hiding away. Grief is exhausting and takes away all motivation. Hope you get over the cold quickly. Eventually you will start to go out and about a bit more. It will take time, it’s only 3 weeks since you lost Joey. Before that there was so much anxiety and dread as he became so poorly. It was agony to watch our brave, beloved children suffer.
I hope Suzie’s afternoon in the charity shop went well and that it helped to be busy.
Tomorrow I’m going to London to see Oliver’s family. I usually meet his little girl from school on Wednesdays. I know I’m lucky to have them, but it grieves me to see my daughter-in-law so heartbroken. She misses him and is sad that the children will grow up without their lovely Daddy (he adored them). They were so happy and are now bereft.
One day, I’m going to make a beautiful photo album for the children, but I can’t do it yet. Looking at photos has me in floods of tears.
I don’t really know anyone who has lost a child. I have very kind friends, but no-one knows what to say. I quite understand this - there are no words. So I value being able to “talk” to others on this site and to hear how you’re all getting on. Thank you for sharing and thank you for listening.
We will keep each other strong.
SusanJ 
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I’m so thrilled you are getting the bracelet back! That’s amazing .
None of my family have had covid , I’ve been around it several times. Anyway we’re boosted up now. Going for my first stint at charity shop tomorrow. Been doing a lot of walking in fresh air. I talk about James to all my friends . We will never get over our losses Annemarie and how on earth could we? Its early days for both of us and its all so very raw. I went to lidl for a bottle of wine and burst into tears just locking my bike up!!
I do find fresh air clears my mind and I know how much James loved being outside so I just imagine I’m walking with him, I wear his fleece .
Keep touching that bracelet.
Sue 
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Yes Susan , I have a pile of photos ready to make a nice album of James but unable to do it yet. It will come. I know what you mean about your daughter in law, I am heartbroken for mine also, she’s so lovely and I know in my heart they would have been together forever, unlike me and James’s dad. Life’s so unfair! I wish I had faith, I envy anyone who does, but I can’t understand how cruel God can be if there is one!!
Tomorrow is my charity shop day! I ought to put a bit of make up on, I’m a mess.
Take care.
Sue
It is so comforting to speak to you both, Suzie & Susan. There no need to explain, we can understand each burger’s sorrow.
With regard to the photos, though, I’m different. We had to choose dozens & dozens of photos that were shown throughout the 90 minute celebration of his life two weeks ago during all the eulogies. Our photos & those of his friends. Nay, there were hundreds, I have them all on my iPhone and it comforts me to see his cheeky smile, And to watch all the hours of video.
Another way we are different is that you both have grandchildren. I don’t, and so wish I did now. My sister-in-law, whose son (my nephew) Alex died 2.5 years ago looks after her other son’s 2 year old and 4 year old twice a week. She’s so busy then she says she can’t think of her grief.
Right, I’m on my second glass of wine now. It’s just gone 8 in Switzerland.
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Sorry for the silly typos! Joey called it my fat finger syndrome:)
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Aww I the same! My typing is awful! 2nd glass of sauvignon! Yes I understand about grandchildren but that makes me even more sad that he will never see his little girl grow up and if his wife moves on, as she should, and marries again, I will lose them both! No right or wrong I’m afraid Annemarie.
My niece has been watching Joeys YouTube too. She is 57 and the sweetest girl, very close cousin to my boy, and she has battled breast cancer for18 years now. Her treatment is ongoing but she looks great and lives life! She’s so upset about James. We are very close, more like sisters. He always worried about her, it’s ironic!!
Xxx❤
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I’m a red wine gal myself, Sauvignon blanc for you?
But why would you think your daughter in law wouldn’t keep you in her life?? Of course she will - even if she does ´move on’. All the more reason for her to want you in their lives because you are the link with her little girl’s daddy!!
Glad to hear Joey’s blog is being watched. He has thousands and thousands of followers. We intend to make this go global : testicular cancer awareness. It will give me a certain raison d’être I suppose once the grief becomes manageable. But when that will happen I don’t know - as none of us do.
I did have a long conversation with one of my besties- she’s not in our “club” but she’s very good to talk to. She advised me to write , as much as I can. About these horrific past 16 months. She says it’s cathartic. I think I’ll try.
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I will try and write about the last 2.5 years then.
Yes sauvignon blanc! Cheap and cheerful, don’tibe strong wine.
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Don’t worry about typos, I always understand what you are saying.
I do hope my daughter-in-law will find happiness again one day. She doesn’t believe she ever will, but I think she might. She deserves to be happy. But she’ll always be my darling daughter-in-law and the children will always be part of my family.
As for a glass of wine - well, I find it helps a little.
Anything to help us through …
Goodnight and love xx
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Hi girls, I hope you have had a bit better day. I’ve had plenty tears today but did have a break from my misery at the charity shop. I was pricing up various items and had some different company for a couple of hours which allowed me to think of something else. I also happened upon a gorgeous little Christmas dress for James’s daughter Jess. 50 pence bought it!!
I’ve also had 3 meltdowns during the course of the day but my friend did a few counselling courses and she says that’s perfectly OK, had a cuppa with her this afternoon. My houseworking skills have gone to the wall but one step at a time.
I have to captain the darts team tonight so I will do the scoring so I’m occupied. Every hour is tough as you know but no amount of grief is going to bring our boys back. I just keep telling myself he’s still I’m Wales. Checked up on my daughter in law today, she’s had a very busy working day so that’s good for her and Jess had a lovely day at nursery.
It’s not an easy ride but thinking about you Annmarie and Susan and hope I can provide you with a little comfort.
Love Sue
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Hi ladies, a very very bad day, one you’ve surely had too so you know what I’m talking about. First, I didn’t get the bracelet back (??) after all. The guy who said he’d found it doesn’t know where he put it.
But worse than that. Today the guilt/regret monster has reared its ugly head again, and with a vehemence!
I’ve told you about my son Joey’s videos podcasts that chronicled his testicular cancer journey. I re-watched an episode from early March of this year, in which - between an awful lot of jokes and witty references - he mentioned he’d finally gone to a doctor after three months of backache back in Juke 2021. . When he told the doc he’d also had a swollen testicle some months earlier but had ‘forgotten’ about it because of the backache, they immediately sent him for an MRI and the rest is history.
I know he was an adult and responsible for his own health, but I should have known after my own severe back ache only a year earlier - which led to a quick trip to my GP and a diagnosis of gallstones. Snip snip out came my gallbladder and I was right as rain. WHY didn’t I just make an appointment for him?
Of course he didn’t tell me about the testicle, but all I did was give him a nice massage whenever he came over. What a stupid, irresponsible mother was I? I would do anything to stop time and set the clocks back. My friends say it’s not my fault but I AM at least partly responsible and the guilt is killing me. It’s all I can think of.
And I’m in such a story state right now that I think I may even have told you this all before. Do you find you repeat yourself and sometimes feel you’re losing your mind?
Hope you all had a better day than me. Didn’t leave my bed again - have a rotten cold to top it all off.
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Aww Annemarie I’m so sorry your day has been worse than mine. I feel sorry for us all, we have gone through the ultimate of sadness, our precious boys, but would any of them want us to be so miserable? My tears won’t stop flowing but I make myself get up and out. If I meet anyone I can guarantee if they stop and ask if I’m.ok I just burst into tears. But that’s OK we can cry for as many years as we like. There are no rules to grieving.
I think the same that I should have insisted James went to gp when he started with a little cough in December but he was very stubborn and know he wouldn’t have listened. I truly believe that this wicked disease is determined to get its victims and don’t think for one minute you could have stopped Joey developing it. You are in a completely dark place Annemarie and I wish a magic wand could be waved. Joey wouldn’t want you to give up.on your own life. You have Kevin to think about and your husband. Men don’t process things like we do but it doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling the same.
I’m not saying I feel any better by any means but I’m trying to compartmentalise and leave a little space fir some sort if normality.
I’m thinking about you
Sue x
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Think about a tattoo!! Something you know would mean something to Joey like my starfish for James. Xxx
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Oh Suzie thank you so much for your pep talk! And your understanding. I needed that! I know it’s all irrational . You had the same feeling you say when James got a cough. But I guess the guilt is inevitable.
And I know what you mean about bursting into tears when people you see in the street ask you how you are. I’m not out and about these days but good friends do call. Two today. They just said hi, didn’t ask me how I was but I burst into tears immediately.
And yes - I will get a tattoo. It reminds me of happier times: We live an hour from Montreux so we go to the famed Jazz Festival every year. Once I got a faky-faky washable tattoo of a gheko on my shoulder. I came home and Joey went ballistic! Why, why did you do that Mom? He shouted at me. It took me a while to convince him it wasn’t real. He never had any tattoos himself but this summer/fall he decided he might get one once he was better. Always the funny guy he said he’d put a fish head on one end of his many lung operation scars, and a fishtail on the other. Now, I shan’t do that but I will get something small on my left shoulder.
I’ve just read a good article. I’ll see if I can copy and paste the link. Hope you like it!
Thanks again, Suzie, for the empathy! It means a lot coming from another grieving mom.
Thank you Annemarie, yes I did have that thought did James get cancer genes from me? Ridiculous thought really, it’s just trying to justify everything. Joey sounds like he filled his life, my husband says James put mors into his life than he had ever done. He was an adventurer and I’m so proud of that. I visited him in Thailand, Vancouver, Wales, he had backpacker round Australia. He had so many opportunities to live life to the full and he took them, thank goodness he had the foresight to do that. And he was lucky enough to do so many of those things with the love of his life. How many of us are that lucky? I know I’m a bit further down the line than you Annemarie, it’s still as painful as ever but I can see little chinks of positivity that I must hold on to. We will always be sad till the day we die but our boys would be saying to us “mum, pull yourself together and love the ones you have left”.
Jenny and me often said if only love was enough to fight this wicked disease.
James and Joey were loved by so many we should be proud of that. Its so hard Annemarie, I know, I have purchased 2 books that Gloria Hunniford has written telling how she coped with the loss of her daughter Caron Keating. Havnt started them yet, can’t concentrate on reading, but I will read them both.
I have a doll on the spare bed my daughter had, it’s always been called baby James, it has an outfit on which was his. I give it a cuddle every night! Makes me feel better anyway!!
Take care Annemarie, you have to look after your physical health to be able to cope with your mental health.
Sue xx❤
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Hi there - I’ve had a difficult day too. I went to an art exhibition in London, the artworks have all been donated to raise funds for the National Brain Appeal. Last year, my Oliver had a piece of his work in this exhibition - we were so proud - and it got sold quickly. This morning I walked around the gallery in tears, the pictures were just a blur, I so wished he was with me. He was a talented artist himself. But I dried my tears and tried to appreciate the lovely artworks.
Later I met my granddaughter from school. She was very quiet. It was good to see the family. My daughter-in-law is doing OK, she’s very busy looking after the children and keeping the home going, as well as holding down a job. Fish fingers and chips for tea.
Came home on the train tonight. Torrential rain. Very tired.
Reading your posts, I am sad to see Annemarie talking about feeling guilty. None if this was your fault and you did all you could for Joey. Giving him nice massages must have comforted him, and your were not to know that something else was causing his back-ache.
Sorry about the bracelet too, but that may yet turn up.
Sounds like Sue’s time in the charity shop was worthwhile - will you go regularly? Well done for finding a dress for Jess. In time, Annemarie may feel able to get out a bit more. It’s good to be distracted for a short while. But in your own time.
I’m off to bed with a hot water bottle now. I’ll be seeing my writing group (on Zoom) in the morning. Writing really helps me.
Until the next time … love from SusanJ
Omg Susan and Annemarie, our boys were all so talented and are such a great loss not only to us but to society in general. The world is so full of nastiness, wasters, greed, cruel people and my eternal question why does this happen to the nicest? Our whole families have been destroyed by their loss, are we being tested in some way?
I played darts and kept my head down scoring, always do it, noone else can add up! I listened to the women going on about their holidays, having their hair and nails done, etc etc all the unimportant things in this life. I didn’t want to go and partake but I am captain and they are short of players. Why do I still think I’m letting people down if I don’t do something? Not one of those selfish women asked how I was doing. Feeling very sad this morning. Going to meet my daughter and granddaughter today . Bad night, slept in spare room, well actually didn’t sleep at all but at least I wasn’t disturbing my husband.
Let’s hope we can get through the day.
Love to both 
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