Hi Everyone,
I’m new to this site and unsure how to navigate my way around, but I have been reading your posts in a bid to not feel so alone in what I’m going through. My darling soulmate of 20 years is receiving end of life care and I am at his side. I just can’t believe that this is happening. We are only in our 50s and having worked hard all of our lives, we were dreaming of our future together, until cancer hit, out of the blue, 8 months ago. My precious, kind, loving partner who has always supported me and been my rock is fading in front of my eyes, and I’m powerless to do anything to help or change the outcome. He has gone from being a fit, healthy and active man to where we are now. It’s unbelievable. He was so positive and determined to beat and overcome this cancer. He complied with all the treatments, none of which worked. He’s been through SO, SO much… never complaining, and with so much grace and dignity. He doesn’t deserve any of what he’s been through and is going through. I am sitting by his side knowing that it’s only a matter of time before I am left to face this life alone, and without him. I’m completely devastated and heartbroken that his life has been cut short in such a cruel way. We are everything to each other. Our plans and dreams of growing old together have been cruelly stolen from us. I just can’t process any of what is happening and the future really scares me now. We were meant to grow old together and always have each other. He’s such a kind, loving and decent person. Truly, one in a million. Why has life been so cruel to us? I don’t understand. I am looking for answers and can’t find them anywhere. I’m completely heartbroken and contemplating a very sad and lonely life without him 
So sorry to hear this.
I’m not going to say things like time will heal because it sure won’t .
My wife passed away 10 weeks ago today and I am absolutely heartbroken. I miss her so much and cry every day.
I have a wonderful family and friends, but most of them can’t begin to understand what I and others here are going through, unless they have also lost a partner or about to.
I suppose I was lucky to be with my wife for 60 years, but in some ways that’s harder to take as we were part of each other.
I try to keep busy and also look after myself, but it’s so hard.
My wife had sarcoidosis, which although serious, the survival rate was around 95%. She was put under palliative care only just over a week before she passed away in my arms at home, as she wanted.
My wife, like your partner didn’t deserve what life dealt her, but at least she is no longer in pain.
The pain is now with me and hopefully my body can take it.
Grief is horrible, but it’s the price you pay for losing someone you love.
You take care. xx
@Johnr
Thank you for your reply and I am so very sorry for the loss of your darling wife and soulmate. It’s impossible to process the loss of your other half and everything it entails. I’m feeling the emptiness already because I know that there is no way back from this. The tragedy of it is that we loved our life together… we were very happy and always talked about the future and all the things we were looking forward to doing when we reached retirement age and could finally get off the hamster wheel. I was never afraid of what life threw at us, because I knew that together we could deal with anything. But now… suddenly everything seems really scary and uncertain. We relied heavily on each other… so I know exactly how very lonely my life will be. Life really is so unfair and so very sad. He will never be able to spend time looking after the garden which he loved so much and our cat is missing him terribly, as he would shower him with so much love and attention, spoke to him like he was his best mate. I’m heartbroken, but I’m glad I have found this site and can talk to people who truly understand what I’m going through. Thank you
I totally understand how you feel, I was in the same place as you last year. My beloved husband of 22 years past away 23rd November 2024 to penile cancer, he had just celebrated his 50th birthday in June.
22 October we found out he had cancer, 3 days after our 22nd wedding anniversary. 28th October he went to see our doctor and never came home.
He was taken into hospital as he had trouble breathing and a rash on his thigh. He had fluid on his lungs and blood sepsis. 13th November we found out there was nothing they could do and he was too weak for chemo and 19th November he went into a hospice where he passed away.
In total I got to spend 4 weeks with him. I lost my big strong man who was never sick.
Its unfair, after 24 years in the army, he was looking forward to retirement.
We bought our forever home 2 years ago, now its just a house.
I feel cheated out of my happiness and a future together. You never think you will become a widow at 51.
If you need to talk xxx
@Poppet1973
I am so very sorry for the loss of your darling husband and everything you both went through. I completely understand everything you talk about. My darling soulmate is 6ft 2in and was a strong, fit and active man before cancer ravaged his body. We too, moved to our forever home 4 years ago and had so many plans and dreams we wanted to fulfill. I agree with you totally… it’s just a silent house now that feels so empty without him there, but the painful reminders of him are everywhere I look. It’s torturous and heartbreaking. Do you feel that you have made any progress in your grief journey, or is it the same? I’m scared because I know that I will never get over his loss
Hello I’m sorry for your situation - it is truly horrendous - My partner Lee was told he had weeks left on 27th Dec 24 & passed on the 16th March - during which time he deteriorated day by day so we were grieving for everything - he was 56 & we did everything together & i miss him so very much - it hurts so bad 
- i send you love & hugs xxx
Today its exactly 25 weeks and 23rd will be 6 months. I too will never get over losing him and it feels like yesterday. It makes me angry because he could have had a chance to be here with me but he was sent to the wrong department and the hospital forgot him and when he was seen it was too late.
We were supposed to go to America in a few years time but now its just going to stay a dream.
Every morning its like groundhog day, same thing everyday. I hate waking up and look forward to going to sleep. I feel like half of me is missing and I’m struggling without him. I died with him that day and now just existing waiting for the day I can be with him again xx
I am so so sorry your in this position what can i say but all our thoughts are with you wishing you strength at this time and its a really unfair world my thoughts are with you both i know the pain of losing that special one love i lost my linda really fast in hospital for 16 days drs saying that she might get to come home in week or two to the next day saying linda is on end of life and passed in 3 days without getting to say goodbye to covid which she caught in there i feel for you so much let this site try support you as best we can big hugs from me
Martin 
@ltwooshwoosh
I am truly sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. Unless you’ve lived through this nightmare situation, you cannot understand the devastation and pain it causes. This is why I am reaching out at this very difficult time. Only people who have been through this pain can know what it’s like. Thank you for sharing your journey, it can’t take the pain away from me but it helps to know that I’m not alone in feeling like this. So similar to you… we did absolutely everything together and just turned 58. I never imagined this tragedy could happen to such a beautiful soul. Sending you love and hugs too, and thank you
@Martin64
Thank you for replying and sharing your journey with me. I feel your pain and loss. Life is so unfair and none of it makes any sense. We always thought we had time and would grow old together. Never imagined that a big, strong, active man, the kindest person you could ever meet, would be taken down by cancer. He would have walked over broken glass for me. I will never come to terms with it and life without him scares me. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me at this horrific time. I wish you strength and peace but know that this is not enough 
@Poppet1973
You’re speaking what I’m feeling. I am so sorry that you’re going through this awful pain and loss. I totally get you. Sometimes when I wake up… just for a split second… I think I’m in our normal life before cancer, when we were so happy. Then reality sets in… my heart drops and my stomach ties itself in knots and I’ve barely opened my eyes. I’m in shock, dazed, numb, disbelieving and scared all at the same time. Our lives revolved around each other, and it worked for us, we were happy, very happy. Now… like you say, half of me is missing. There is no life or future without my darling soulmate. Maybe an existence of some sort, but not a life. Our happiness and future have been taken from us. Life will never be the same again. It changes everything. I don’t know how I will cope without him, I really don’t. I’m so sorry, but I really understand how you feel. I know nothing I say can take your pain away, but I hear you, and understand. Sending you love and hugs
Dear HeartofGold
I am so sorry for the tragedy you are suffering. Unfortunately life can be wretched and it leaves us confused, with absolutely no idea of what the future holds for us.
I lost my wife of 48 years last December and my world has fallen apart. I’m 73 and it doesn’t get easier with age.
My wife was my rock, she was my soulmate and we did everything together. She had a heart attack and survived for about 24 hours in hospital. She never regained consciousness but, if she had any understanding of her surroundings, I wanted her to know I was there for her and I concentrated on doing that.
Everyone in this community has experienced the devastation caused by the loss of a loved one but nobody has solutions, each of us has to find our own way in our own time.
What I would say to you is to take it step by step. Your task at the moment is to continue being there for your partner. He needs you to be strong and reassuring. There will be other tasks in the coming days and I am sure you will be equal to them.
Stay strong and be brave. The future will take care of itself, in stages.
My thoughts are with you.
@RJay
Your words have really moved me to the point of tears. I know that you are correct in everything you say. I’m right here by his bedside at the hospice. I have been beside him throughout each day and every night for the last 2 weeks. I give him reassurance and tell him every day that I love him with all my heart and soul. He’s on heavy-duty medication and mostly sleeps, but he knows that I am with him and that I will never leave his side. I try to be brave for him, because he has been through so much. Only He, God, and I know what he has endured with so much bravery and dignity, never once complaining about any of it. A true hero in my eyes. He doesn’t deserve any of this, inside… I’m melting. This is a very lonely journey. Thank you so much for your kind and wise words. I will try my best to be brave and strong. I also lost both parents before their time to cancer. My darling soulmate has always been my rock throughout, so this has hit me very hard. Thank you and I’m so sorry for your loss. You spent a lifetime together with your darling wife. I suppose the only things we are left with in this life are our memories and the love we shared. Thank you again
I would visit him in the morning before work, or in the evening after, on my day off I would go in the morning and then the evening just to be with him.
Like your husband he was on morphine most of the day and slept, I would just sit there watching, waiting for him to wake up even though it was just for a moment.
Most days he was in so much pain and some days he would sit in a chair to get comfortable (he had penile cancer, he joked that he had to get the rarest of cancer. My counsellor said he was the only one she knew to get it).
13th November came the phone call that there was nothing they could do and he had weeks to months (he had 10 days).
19th November he was moved to a hospice, the day before he passed away we were making plans for him coming home for Xmas Day even if it was just a few hours.
23rd November is the night I will never forget in the morning we went to visit and he was doing ok until his nose bleed but he told me he was ok. In the afternoon I got a phone call saying he wouldn’t sit down and come in.
He wasn’t himself and I had to force him to sit down, I looked into his eyes which had tears in them, he was drooling and I got the doctor who told me he didn’t have long left. She put him into bed and gave him something to sleep as he didn’t want to suffer at the end. Saturday 23rd November 2024 8.30pm I lost my beloved husband and broke my heart. I miss him everyday and struggling without him and wish he was here xxx
@Poppet1973
My heart bleeds for you, it really does. What are the odds of finding that one single person who is your life soulmate. To be happy, and dream of a life and future spent together, only for cancer to rip everything to pieces and for it all to be taken from you. I’m very reflective and sentimental also, so I don’t know if that makes it even more difficult to deal with? I’m so sorry for how you feel. One step in front of the other, just to get through the day. Sending you strength and love
He was in the army for 24 years and was always going away. We hardly saw each other for most of our marriage. He retired in 2022 and we bought our forever home and made so many dreams for the future.
I always worried about losing him, whether he would come back to us. I never thought I would lose him 2 years later to cancer.
@Poppet1973
It’s just so sad. I know exactly what you’re saying. I never in a million years imagined that the love of my life could be touched, much less, beaten by cancer. He has always been so good to me and our family. Always there and willing. I could always rely on him and he made me feel so safe. I wish I could change all of this, press the rewind button and go back to where we left off before cancer. We thought we had all the time in the world… how wrong did we get that? The deeper the love, the deeper the loss, they say. I would never want for my darling to feel this level of pain and grief… followed by years of loneliness and yearning. I don’t know how anyone is expected to recover from a broken heart and shattered dreams Totally understand you. Sending you love and hugs 
Yes, I’m fed up of people saying im strong because Im not Mark was the one who made me into a strong person, being with him made me feel safe and like I could do anything.
A week before his funeral I was told to move on and find someone else.
Im not strong, Ive lost the will to do anything anymore, and just dont care about things., basically ive given up.
Jackie was the strong one. Not physically, but in character.
I’ve had hell of a bad day today, sobbing my heart out and shouting at her for going and leaving me on my own.
I don’t want to move on. I just want her back, but that’s never going to happen.
I don’t want to be doing things, but I force myself to do a little bit each day around the house, so I can sell and move.
We’ve been living in this house for 19 years, but I don’t want to be in it any more. I can’t watch TV in what used to be her bedroom, but now has returned to being a living room. The TV is situated almost exactly where she passed in my arms 10 weeks ago. I just can’t stand it. . I have to get out of this house and the devastating memory of my love passing.
I can’t give up though and @Poppet1973 neither can you. We have to for the sake of our families, friends, ourselves and most of all for your Mark & my Jackie.
You take care 
@Poppet1973
The remark that was made to you was uncaring, insenstive and cruel. It sounds really shallow. I would sooner feel lonely and isolated than be around people like that, to be honest. Mark would not want you to give up though… he would want you to take care of yourself and your forever home in the best way you can, in honour of his memory, and the life he sadly didn’t get to fulfill. Look after yourself. Sending you love and hugs🫂