I had a gardener round this afternoon to have a look, he’s going to tidy up the garden for me, I have asked him to build a memorial plot for me so I can put the ornaments I have in a place where they are better to look at. At the moment they are on the grass.
Its been nearly 6 months since months since I lost Mark and I miss him everyday, he asked me to do this for him when he was in the hospital, he wants me to sit and talk to him at the bottom of the garden. I will look at getting a bench to sit on.
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Dear heart of Gold. I’m so so sorry to hear this. I’ve been where you are right now, and I’m not going to lie; it doesn’t get easier, not yet. I’m two months from the day my darling passed away, to cancer. A horrid, horrific, pain filled end. A day etched on my mind for ever. Let me tell you about what died that day, a part of me. Like you I adored him. I fought like a lioness for him, every inch of the way. He died, I lost. It does get easier, no less painful, but slowly you do begin to find you’re living again. Never ever as before. That sadly, cannot be. It never will be. But you do find yourself slowly beginning to engage in life once again, remarkably without them. I found as the weeks elapsed the crying became less and less. The pain eased, slowly and you find that they remain with you in a much different way. They are in your head, in your thoughts and in your heart. They have become a part of you, of who you are, of what is left of you, the new you without them. You realise you are still very much “ us” but a different “ us” to who existed before. It’s like part of him took a part of you with him, but in so doing he left a part of him behind, to walk alongside the new you forever. Your broken heart will never fully heal, the wound will slowly close and get smaller but the ache and longing for him will remain. I’m praying for you. Please update me and let me know how things are. Sending a hug and hope.
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Dear All
I sit here crying as i read all your messages because i feel all your pain in my heart. When my beautiful man passed 8 weeks today my world - like all your’s - ended. Our life together had huge up’s (Going to a McLaren Christmas party) etc & huge downs (being repossessed from our beautiful home) But all the way through we pulled together & stayed in love because in the end that’s what really mattered … to say i miss him doesn’t even touch the sides.
Until you are in “our” situation it is impossible for people to understand that you dont want to “pull your self together” - you need to cry - not shower - maybe like me drink too much - what ever it is all you need is someone to understand.
But then here is a question - if you were given the option (sorry this sounds a bit matrixy) of taking a forget pill so all this pain just melted away & roses grew around the door with birds singing in the garden & the sea lapping at the shore would you?
Personally i wouldnt even though it hurts like nothing on earth & will be with me forever because in time i will feel better & this period of my life will be put in a purple envelope next to my heart 
To all of you i send love & hugs & am virtually holding your hand - Stronger together - xxx
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A lady from my book club, who has been through this years ago, said to me. When you have had a fantastic holiday, when you come home you just remember the happy time you had. Your aim is to try and get as near to that feeling about the partnership you had. I do not think that I can, but maybe I can try.
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Dear itwooshwoosh
Beautiful words and so so incredibly true. I’m
Sorry for your tremendous loss. You touched my heart, when you said that no matter what life through at you, you stayed in love! My P used to say to me” We will get through this together!” And we did, the cancer diagnosis, the 2nd horrid diagnosis where he was told he had a cancer so rare it was akin to winning the lottery in reverse order! The only thing we didn’t see through together was the end, because like your beloved he had to take that final journey alone. Now, we, all of us on this site are on our separate journeys, we are alone, but we are not alone! We all share a common thread loss and grief! To answer your question about the magic pill. My answer is an affirmation of your own, emphatically NO. What we are all feeling now is the heartbreak of losing a person each and every one of us adored. Not A person, but THE person! The person who fulfilled us as people. The pain we feel is a testament of the life we shared with every one of our special people. The love they have given to us stays with us and our love for them journeyed with them. It’s the remainder of that love we felt that has transformed into loss! As our wonderful “ old” Queen once said grief is the price we pay for love. I wouldn’t trade it for a magic pill. To erase the grief is to erase the love we still feel for each and everyone of them. Take care of yourself. Sending a hug to you. xxx
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@HeartofGold
So sorry to hear of your pain. It is a horrible place to be.
My wife Jacquie died on Jan 6th this year. She was put on a ventilator on 21st December last year. Her 62nd birthday was the day after. She then went through Christmas and New Year on the ventilaor. She had one day off on the 4th January, and then had to go back on it on 5th. She was not strong enough. She had an immune system condition for 23 years, which affected her liver. She was top of the transplant list when she died of multiple organ failure. We were told she could have another 30 years with the new liver. I was already looking forward to those years.
To say i was devastated by her loss is an understatement, and like everyone on this site, many dark days of grief followed, and tears are still a daily occurance.
Be kind to yourself, look after yourself. Eat, drink and sleep when you can. You will need the strength.
When i told the doctors that they could turn off the machines, to let her go painlessly, it was the absolute worst day of my life. It is a horrible thing to have to do, but i was there for her right til the end. I hated it but would not have been anywhere else.
Take care, and use this group, they are incredibly warm and helpful. It helps to know that there is company in grief, and that you are not just going through things on your own. Everything you said about your husband’s kindness, i said about my wife. Good luck to you.
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@Jrthorn
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I’m so very sorry for the devastating loss of your darling wife, Jacquie earlier this year, and for everything you went through leading up to that. Such difficult times we are all going through. Losing the person you love and share your life with is life-changing in every sense of the word. My darling soulmate has always been very kind, loving and dependable. We did everything together… like two peas in a pod. We genuinely enjoyed each other’s company and respected each other’s opinions. Like most people… we thought we had forever! Sadly, our dreams are not our reality and that really hurts. Life is so cruel. We were so very happy… imagined we’d have 30 years ahead of us. We often joked that we would grow old and still be holding hands as we walked together. Maybe we’re not allowed to have too much happiness?? Otherwise, why would a strong, fit, active man, full of life, be diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer and be receiving end of life care in a hospice 8 months after that diagnosis? I’m sorry to go on… it’s a lot to process. I don’t have a a big support network, so I’m contemplating the sheer loneliness already. This whole situation is so very sad and scary. Thank you again for your reply. I realise that I’m not the only person going through this… and it helps. Wishing you strength, peace and comfort on your journey. I appreciate your advice 
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@HeartofGold - I am very sorry to know about your situation. Having passed through this situation 2 years back, I can understand your emotional state. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. I wish and pray to GOD to give you the strength to support and accompany your partner and be with him always. If possible, reach out to some good friends and extended family to talk about your feelings. Please don’t be alone in dealing with the situation. Take your time to heal.
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@CheerMeUp
Thank you for your reply and I’m so sorry that you travelled a similar path to the one that I am on. It’s heartbreaking and lonely as I don’t have much immediate family and extended family are nowhere to be seen. The ones who truly cared (parents)… are sadly now gone. It’s times like this that you realise what people are really like. Friends and work colleagues make the right noises, but actually, when it comes to it, it’s all on their terms… if and when it suits them… not when their concern and support is actually needed. So this has made me reluctant to reach out to anyone. They’re all busy living their “best life”. Me and my heartache is the last thing on their minds. It just shows… like my darling said to me when he was going through his gruelling treatments… “only the people going through what we are going through can ever know the pain” and he’s so right. Even more hurtful when you’ve always gone out of your way to help and please everyone! Thank you again… I can take some comfort and strength from you, having been in a similar situation. God bless, and I wish you strength and hope also
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Hi HeartofGold
I get exactly where you are coming from.
You can always message me if you have no one to help. I will do my best to be a good ear, if you need to chat.
If not, just keep posting on here, as there are many good people on this site, who will happily listen.
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@Sadheart
Thank you for your reply to my post. I’m sorry for the delay in replying to you and sorrier still for the sad and tragic loss of your precious husband, only 2 months ago. It’s just the hardest thing in the world. I’m struggling to process everything that we’ve been tbrough, everything that is happening, and what is yet to come. I just cannot imagine a life without my precious, darling partner… the love of my life. We planned our life and future based on us being together and growing old together. I’m lost without him. We know each other so well… nobody knows me or understands me like he does. We really are kindered spirits. I find a lot of people (not all) but a lot, really superficial, uncaring, selfish and self absorbed. I don’t wish to feel this way but sadly my thoughts are proven to be correct by the actions/lack of actions of these people. I notice these things in particular, because myself and my darling partner are nothing like this. I know there are few people, especially nowadays, who are genuine, true to their word, down to earth… and who don’t follow the crowd. It seems to make everything feel so much worse somehow. Feeling that you don’t fit in makes the loneliness even lonelier, if that makes sense. I just don’t understand how people (friends/neighbours) can say that they care and that they’ll be there for you, but then do exactly the opposite, and go out of their way to ignore you. As soon as people found out that my darling partner’s cancer diagnosis was terminal, what little interest had been shown up until then, soon disappeared into oblivion. Does anyone else find this, or is it just me? I really need to make sense of it all wishing you continued healing. Sending you love and hugs 
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Dear Heart of Gold
I could have written your post. I lost my husband two years ago, He was a kind, gentle, loving man and, we too, thought we would have many happy years of retirement together. Our plans are dead and I feel as if there is no future for me without him. I am so, so sorry you are in this position and I send you all my love.
Pamela
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Dear HeartofGold
Your comments have struck a chord with me. People’s empathy does seem to wane quickly. If someone is kind enough to invite me in for a coffee I do try to not to be a misery. I’ll talk about any current subject they want, just grateful for the chat. If asked how I’m managing I will say it’s difficult and just taking it day by day and move on, so they can’t say I’m miserable company.
It’s very strange, almost as though they think our grief might be catching!
Please look after yourself. Sleeping and eating must be very difficult for you in the current circumstances but they are very important.
God bless.
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Frank4 I feel exactly the same way that you do. My wife Sue died on December 13th. 2025
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I haven’t really interacted with anyone for days.
Jackie got a cleaner to help me around the house. She comes fortnightly and, apart from a phone or FaceTime with family, she’s the only one I’ve chatted to face to face.
I think the issue with friends is that they can see you are in pain, but they don’t know what to say, hence they don’t call around or give you a buzz.
I think the main person to help you through these days is really yourself. It’s hard and at times almost impossible. Every time I seem to be learning how to live with the loss of my love of 60 years, some memory or other sets me off.
I so desperately want her back to tell her all the things I didn’t get to; to hold her in my arms again; to have a little tiff; to FaceTime our grandchildren together and the list could go on and on.
It’s never going to happen in real life, only in my head.
How on earth do I live. 
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@Johnr hi fella i get that im in similar position but i have Lindas mum to care for take so much of my energy i see a carer twice a week for mum mon/ fri but like you thats it no friends down here we didn’t get chance to make any with caring dad before passing in 2021 and just before covid we need the face to face its important to us friend is exactly spot on as you say they don’t know what to say but see us struggle its really hard to motivate ourselves into trying to communicate when our soulmate is no longer by our sides i find im still talking to Linda all the time yes its in our heads we cant acknowledge them no longer here bud i certainly cant we just have to live for them i guess even though it seems a terrible thought doing it now its alien to us try and focus on something that is important if poss something you would have done when she was out or seeing a friend but something you didn’t share i know that’s gona be hard we shared lots as I’m sure you did too but i hope we can get through it one step at a time its a slow process do it at your pace my friend
Take it easy and take care
Martin 
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I really feel for you Heart of Gold . I have gone through all that you are going through and it is so so difficult . It does not get any easier you just have to learn to live with it really enjoy any good times that come along. Getting support around you is so important don’t try and do it on your own . I joined a Widow and Widowers group and they have been a great help to me . Try and find good people that you can talk openly to that helps. Keep fighting it . Good luck thinking of you . davesmithsa
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@Davesa
Dear Dave,
I really would like to thank you for your very kind and comforting reply to my post, especially as I realise that today marks 1 year since the sad passing of your beloved wife. It’s crazy to think that regardless of what we go through… time keeps moving on… even though our world as we know it has come to an unwanted stop. I really value your advice, so thank you. It really is the case that only people who have been through this turmoil and heartache can ever understand… I get that now. I can only imagine how difficult this past year has been for you, but hope and pray that somehow, somewhere, you have been able to find some peace, comfort and healing during your journey. In all honesty… I don’t think I will ever understand what this life is all about, but somehow, we have to get through each day, even if our heart is broken in two sending you strength and hugs. Thank you again 
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Although there are no words that will bring you solace or explain how you can even begin to process what is happening to you at this time, talking to others who are in a similar situation is helpful and I found this site particularly so in the first few days and weeks after the loss of my husband on 16th of November to a sudden and catastrophic heart attack. He too was my rock and my soulmate. We had moved into our forever home 3 weeks before his passing and had so many plans for our future. There was simply no warning that they would be cut short so cruelly and that I would be left reeling from his death and have to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other, on my own. It seemed like one minute he was there, he paraded with his fellow ex-servicemen on Remembrance Sunday and enjoyed the camaraderie afterwards in the pub (5 days before his death), he went to work as normal and was busy in the evenings doing jobs around our new home. We got up on the Saturday morning, full of plans for the weekend and completely unaware of the sheer horror that was to come. He went to our son’s to help him with a DIY job but I received a phone call 20 min after he’d left to say he had collapsed on our son’s bed and was really unwell. After a whirlwind of paramedics and transfer to hospital, where they were unable to save him, he passed shortly after 1pm.
I cannot believe that it is now 6 months from that day and that I have somehow survived. In many ways it still doesn’t seem real and I half expect him to walk through the door. I have also recently had a health scare for which I spent almost 3 weeks in hospital and am no nearer to finding out the cause or long term implications of my condition.
The only advice I can share with you is to keep talking to people and to navigate this horrendous journey in 5 minute intervals.
My love and prayers are with you x
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@SwissArmyWife
I am so sorry for the sudden and sad passing of your lovely husband. I feel that I can really resonate with you and everything you have been through and are going through. The plans and dreams made by the both of you for the future and how all of that has been cruelly stolen from you. In many ways our journey is very similar. It’s very difficult to get your head around it all. It’s just so permanent… and that’s scary. How are you supposed to comprehend, much less accept, that your soulmate, and the love of your life will never walk through the front door again, you will never see or hear them again. I just don’t understand how you are expected to carry on knowing that half of you is gone? I suppose my question to you is… does it get any easier as time goes by? Does reality/acceptance set in? It’s all just so totally unfair… 8 months ago, we both thought we easily had 25-30 years ahead of us… together. Now… I’m scared, really scared and devastated for everything we planned for that will never happen and everything my beautiful partner has worked for, and will never enjoy. It’s tragic and disbelieving. We’re trapped in a nightmare
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