O my sweet, i truly know what you are going through, when you love your husband and have such a loving bond like i had with my Mark its devastating to even think about how to carry on without them. I lost my Mark last year to oesophagus cancer, he fought so hard, chemo, operation and more chemo, but it came back. Thought i had a few more weeks with him . But hed gone 2 days later. I will love him for the rest of my life. Like you we had so many plans for when we retired. We’d lost our only son 3 years ago which we will never got over that, wish i had a magic wand to take everyone’s pain away. Be stong my lovely, we are all here for you. X
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Hiya, thank you for your reply. In answer to your question I’m not sure it has become easier, more like i have become accustomed to the weight of it. I have carried my grief around for the last 6 months partly to protect my family and sheild them from my devastation but mainly because carrying it seemed to keep Rick closer. I have been keeping myself sooo busy doing the jobs we would have done together (again because it has kept him closer) but in doing so my physical health has suffered. The weekend before I was admitted to hospital, i had been digging over and preparing a piece of ground that was baked solid to create a lawn. Seven hours of digging on my hands and knees while sobbing left me so physically and emotionally exhausted that my friend made me sleep at hers when I finally turned up on her doorstep, shaking and covered in soil. Being iadmitted to hospital on the Monday coughing up/drowning on my own blood was both terrifying and a huge wake up call. Having nothing but time to think (something I had actively avoided for 6 months) showed me just how little I had processed his death. It forced me to grieve in the very place that he passed. The staff were amazing and allowed me to sit outside and I did so (under a tree). I’ve cried buckets over the last 3 weeks but have been able to let him move on and begin my what next. I met some lovely people white sat under my tree and have opened up to family and friends about how truly devastated Istill feel. The burden of my overwhelming grief is a little lighter but damn it was messy looking at it square on. I talk to Rick everyday and say goodnight to the stars each night, hoping he can hear me. I think you grow around your loss and learn to carry your loved one with you. The darkness is less suffocating and although it stings like mad the pain is less raw. Please take care and be kind to yourself xx
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I found this site a great help after my husband died. & i really feel for you. Such a sad time. 
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@SwissArmyWife
My heart bleeds for you and everything you’re going through. I completely understand how your physical health has been affected due to the stress and weight of your grief. I’m glad that by opening up, you are able to process your loss and grief in a slightly different way, and that it’s been of some help. I too, am thinking of all the jobs we started in our forever home, which were stopped abruptly due to this illness and everything it has brought with it. At some point in the future, I will have to resume all the half finished jobs on my own, and that too, feels me with dread and fear. As reluctant as we may be to it, the acceptance of the unwanted circumstances we find ourselves in must happen to some degree or other. What choice do we have? If only for our own health. I hope and pray that you are able to look after yourself, always of course remembering your lovely Rick, and the life you shared for so many years. It’s hard, very hard. You can always talk to me on here. Thinking of you and wishing you healing, peace, and solace. Take care x
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@SwissArmyWife oh i am so sorry to hear of your soulmate hubby passing i really feel for you its so dam hard to process it i get it after losing my fiancé partner Linda on 8th oct 24 we together 14 years and knew each other 20 years via work place linda was only 53 and went into hosp for liver issue and wS improving with lots drugs to the point of drs said may be able to come home in few weeks only to have a call next day of consultant she had contracted covid in there and was now end of life she passed in 3 days in my arms it ripped me apart she didn’t regain consciousness and never got to see her beautiful eyes so i get the pain its horrid and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone we too had not long bought our forever home Linda’s mum lives with us as did my dad before passing away in 2021 with cancer i hadn’t got over that when losing linda has hit me doubly hard now i hope you can find some peace somehow in your life now big hug
Martin 
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Hi, Heart of Gold. I lost my husband 1yr ago, he also went through a lot with his health, for most of our 51yrs together. He also received end of life care at home for his last 10days. It is so sad to watch your soul mate pass away. I feel for you. This sight has helped me ,knowing i can chat to others likr myself who are suffering that massive loss.
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Heartofgold
I cannot begin to tell you how strongly I identify with your observations. You are so right, I often wonder what happened to all of those so called “ kind” people. After my precious and beloved John died, everyone and everything seemed to just disappear. Like you i am left totally bereft grieving for my soulmate. We spent every single day together after his cancer diagnosis. At first everything seemed to be going very well and then his controllable cancer turned onto an aggressive cancer and instead of the 10-15 years we were told he got 11 months. I’m so so sorry for you, your man sounds much like mine, loving, genuine, gentle and old school. Alas now a dying breed. Like you I am totally lost, terribly miserable, scared, lonely, broken hearted and I keep asking why? Why couldn’t we have had longer? I’m sure you ask yourself the very same! I feel your personality coming through in your message, I feel your goodness, your sense of loss and moreover the life you mourn. It isn’t only his life you mourn is it? It’s apart of yours too. You move partly in the past, longing for them. You mourn all the days of the future you should have shared? You ask yourself is it real? Has he really gone from me, you all of us on this site forever? I can’t grasp it! It’s too momentous to grasp, isn’t it. I’m sending you love and I’m praying for you. I’m crying as I write this to you, because you sound so so much like me, where I am. Please keep in touch. Love & hugs x
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Debscolli
My heart goes out to you, to have lost your dear son as well as your beloved partner must be abject hell. One loss is almost unbearably hard to carry but two, I am so so sorry for your loss(s). I will pray for you and all of us on here. God bless and sending hugs xx
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@Sadheart - Dear Sadheart,
Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful response to my post. I am so sorry for the tragic and sad loss of your darling soulmate and for everything you are going through. You have definitely hit the nail on the head here - it takes one good and kind heart to recognise another - and sadly there aren’t that many of them around these days, which makes the loss of our darling soulmates even more unbearable. You’re very right in everything you say… they are exactly my sentiments and feelings. I felt at one with my darling sweetheart, so comfortable and at ease. You’ve got me and my darling down to a tee… modern outlook but with deep rooted “old-school” values, very reflective and sentimental, kind and decent in every way. A very rare breed… that’s why it hurts so much. The unfairness and injustice of it all is something I will never come to terms with, not ever. To be diagnosed with such a rare and very aggressive cancer (cholangiocarcinoma) which spread to his liver, lungs and spinal cord causing multiple fractures to his spine, with every complication and setback you can imagine. We went from living a normal, happy, busy life to being thrown into the deepest pits of hell… all in the space of 8 months. We’re both just 58 years old. Devastatingly, my handsome, darling soulmate will always remain 58 years old and will never know the gift/burden of growing old. A heartache I will carry for the rest of my days. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me, because you are spot-on. Thinking of you and your heartache also. Sending you strength, comfort and love. Look after yourself too… best you can 
xx
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Thank you for your kind words, I am numb most of the time , find it hard to communicate with people as they think you shold move on. My sisters always drilling in to me that no one can help me only myself, but how do you do that when your whoke family has been taken away. x
@Debscolli
It’s so very easy for people who still have their loved ones and lives in tact to tell people whose hearts are broken and lives shattered to move on. I wish people would engage their brain… acquire some compassion and empathy, or better still, just keep their stupid thoughts to themselves and mouths firmly shut. Being around people like that, is worse than being alone and lonely. I’m sorry… I just think it’s so cruel and mindless… how could they ever understand what you’re going through? Take strength and courage from within and the memory of your loved ones. There are also some very kind and understanding people on this site too who can relate to what you’re going through… so please reach out. Sending you love and hugs
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I was told to move on a week before my husband’s funeral.
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How can people be so unfeeling and unkind Poppet
Sending hugs
Kate
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Please try to take care of yourself .
I am sorry your sister hasn’t been very helpful or understanding.
No one understands like we do those of us who have lost our dearly loved ones
Kate
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@Poppet1973
Absolutely unbelievable and uncaring…
It’s awful to say but one day your sister could be the one in your shoes now
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It wasn’t my sister (I don’t have a sister).
It was just someone that Mark and I knew. I don’t speak to her anymore.
@Poppet1973
Sorry……my mistake…been an awful few days just like everyone else.
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Its ok, I know what you mean about having a rough few days, haven’t heard anything from the hospital yet, so I think my mum is ok. She hasn’t got much longer.
I hope you are ok xx
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Hi Martin,
Thank you for your lovely and kind response. I am kept busy by doing a job that I love ( working with children who have special educational needs) and my wonderful grandchildren who remind me so much of their grandad (as does their dad who is Rick’s youngest son). Especially the youngest who is only 2 but is a complete petrol head. They are a joy to be around and I only wish Rick was still here to see them grow and enjoy their antics and laughter.
Losing your parent at any age is awful and to then lose your soulmate so soon after seems doubly cruel. Becoming an orphan and a widow within 2 years of each other is so much to get your head around, it’s no wonder we feel lost and unsure how to proceed. The 2 people we looked to most for advice and guidance have both gone. It may seem strange but I continue to think ‘What would they say?’ when faced with a problem or a decision that needs to be made. I am collecting my new car this afternoon because I’ve traded in the one I have to reduce my monthly outgoings. It just happens to be the very model that Rick would have chosen but I refused at the time because my ex had a ford focus and I swore I’d never own one. It makes me smile because I know he’d approve of my choice. However, it is also ironic because i can imagine he’s probably also hopping mad, wherever he is and chuntering 'Huh, never ever would you have a focus, would you? ’
I try to honour him now just as much as when he was here and am still faithfull that we will be together again when my time comes. I’ve asked him to keep the pillion seat free for me, for when I join him (hopefully not for a long time as I’m by no means ready to go yet).
Take care and I hope you are well x
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Life is very tough and it is totally unbelievable trying to live on after you have lost someone you loved so so much . I can share what you are going through. I lost my dear wife Siobhan after 50 years together just over a year ago.
I still find it so hard to believe and I miss her terribly. I find living on my own so lonely but I am trying to build a new life around my Siobhan .
It will never be the same but I live on knowing that she would want me to be happy with my family.
I have found a Widowers group that have helped me so much . It is good being with people who have experienced the same loss.
Look after yourself thinking of you always remember that your loved one lives on every day with you . Be grateful for all the happy thoughts of him . He lives on every day in your heart . My thoughts are with you . Take care. xx
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