I am 90 years old and I lost my darling wife of 50 years to pancreatic cancer three months ago. I now live alone in total despair and cry for her all the time. I am new to Sue Ryder Online and hope you will forgive an old man for confessing his inability to cope with his loss?
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PC is such a cruel way to go isn’t it Tillwemeetagain. My wife died 5 weeks after her diagnosis and now well meaning folk tell me to remember all the wonderful times we had together and to be happy for them. It sounds a good idea but any happy pictures I conjure up of my dear wife are immediately swamped out by images of her dying as I held her. The day before she died she looked at me and whispered that one of us had to go first, I wished it had been me but then she would have had to go through this hell instead and I wouldn’t want that. I am so very sorry that you are having to go through the same thing. I have no family, its just me and our beagle living in a house that has had all the life sucked out of it. I wish you the strength that I am so far failing to find for myself. We weep together.
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So sorry both of you ,I didn’t have your length of service as married for 25 years ,totally get your upset only 13 weeks down the road ,it can only get better I hope ,always going to miss Eileen .
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Hello Peter.
I am sorry for your loss and I am so glad you found this site because I am sure it will help you As tillwemeetagain says, age has nothing much to do with it, so don’t think you are too old.
I lost my husband three months ago too after 57 years of knowing him and 54 years married and I feel just like you. It is the price we pay for such love.
Please try to keep going for your wife’s sake. It is natural to be desperately sad but I am sure your wife would not want you to be in such dreadful despair.
We are here for you, so please write as often as you like.
Hugs, Ann x
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Hello PeterL, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my wife on 15th August and am also finding it difficult to cope without her. We had been married 45 years and recently she had medical problems, though her passing was very sudden. I have found that people who post on here to be friendly and caring, we have all lost someone close. No one here judges people and someone may be able to help. It has helped me a little this last few weeks just to express my feelings in this safe place.
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Dear PeterL, Your feelings are always respected on this forum. I am sorry to hear of your darling wife’s passing. So many of us on this forum have experienced the loss of a loved on - I, for one, live alone as you do, Yes, I have shed many tears and cried for my beloved wife - she was a big part of my life - I often wonder - how do I go on without her? Do not worry about anything except how you feel - we are all here to listen to you at anytime. You are among friends here and we wish you the best. Let us know how you are doing.
Herb
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Dear All, I was very grateful for the hugs that Ann sent me. Routinely, at any time of the day, either Gill would ask me for a hug or i would ask her for one. They felt wonderful and memories of them hurt me so much that I dissolve into tears. How I took such simple things for granted. I torture myself, looking back on our long marriage, with thoughts that I took so much for granted that I wonder if she really knew how much I loved her. Sorry guys, I am having a really bad day.
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There’s nothing quite like a hug Peter. 
I think we’re all guilty of taking each other for granted but we each knew how much we loved the other. There was no need to voice it because it could be felt. Your wife will have known how much you loved her and she will know how much you still love her. Sending you strength, understanding and a longed for hug. xx
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Peter think we are all similar ,I often worry that my Eileen didn’t realise how much I loved her ,I always showed my love by looking after us as a family inc the kids ,wish I had hugged her every day ,wish I had woke her every day before going to work ,the practical side of me said leave her to sleep as she was content and in no pain
Just the same Peter I am having a weepy bad day
Steve
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I don’t think there’s a single one of us on this site who truly feels we said and did all that we might have done. It’s the regret and guilt that is the constant companion of grief.
Like you Steve I think of the times I took things for granted. I like to think it was because I had total confidence in our relationship and never imagined life without my husband. I loved him beyond measure but after 37 years together I didn’t say it often enough. I hope my actions spoke louder than words. We never rowed but I did get my priorities wrong at times. what I wouldn’t give to turn back the clock and never waste a second.
Like you not waking your wife before setting off to work. It was done with the best of intentions at the time. We’ve all done similar things. I hope your day improves. Take care.
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Several people here said they didn’t appreciate each other enough or say you loved them enough so there are regrets. Mike and I always told each other how much each other was loved. We always hugged and kissed and I spent his last 5 days in hospital with him when he was dying. (He didn’t know he was so ill) You would think that is all perfect and yes I was lucky but it still doesn’t stop the tears and wondering if I did enough. I didn’t realize he was so poorly so tried to push him to eat, move around etc.before he went into hospital. He was alway fit and healthy so I’d never seen him ill in 47 years.Then I was told he was on end of life care with a heart valve problem that appeared from nowhere… Such a shock. It seems like what ever we did will never be enough to satisfy us or our conscience. We can only move forward and know that we did all we knew how to at the time.
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Hey everybody – Put me on this list too. I think back and remember the times I took all those wonderful moments for granted too. I believe Peter couldn’t have said it better. I often think that If I could have another chance, those moments would be priority - I would be more mindful of that. Someone once said — the best things in life are free!!! I truly believe they are! Didn’t cost me a cent. Thank you Peter for that post.
Herb
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Hello everyone. I am having a truly awful day. This morning every item of post save for one was addressed to darling Gill. I just collapsed in tears and now can’t stop, I can see no end to this hell. I have nothing to look forward to except heartbreak and loneliness. I don’t see any point in my life any more. I realise that you must all feel the same and I am so very sorry for posting this miserable contribution.
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Hi Peter, I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. Please don’t apologise for your miserable post. It’s the whole point of this forum, a place to let go of our feelings, to vent our frustrations. It can also give hope. Soon those mail items addressed to your wife will dwindle as they have done for my husband. After more than 3 years I still get the occasional one pushed through my letterbox, addressed to David. Those envelopes now bring a smile rather than a tear. They keep him alive. He existed. He exists. 
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Dear Peter
I am so sorry that today is being so unkind to you…it is so desperately hard at the beginning but somehow we exist through it…every breath that you now take you not only take for yourself but also for Gill … who now lives within you as opposed to beside you.
Tears are good…they release some of the pain …never be ashamed of your tears. Listen to your body…take everything slowly and focus only on the moment. Believe that love never dies and know that we are all here for you.
Many hugs and blessings x
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Peter, I feel so sorry for your bad day. If we didn’t have tears life would really have nowhere else to go. Tears show the depth of our love for our missing partner. Sometimes we really don’t know what to do with ourselves but I can only presume that it gets easier as time passes. At this stage I can’t see when that is likely to happen for me yet but reading the forum I trust that others have found solace as time goes on so I’m sure it will happen for all of us here. Take heart Peter, we are all here for you.
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Hello Peter
My heart breaks for you. I lost my beloved husband and best friend of 21 years in May. I joined Sue Ryder two weeks ago to get support from those who understand my grieve and pain which has helped me a lot. The future doesn’t look so bad as it did. Talking really helps. Take one day at a time and cry as much as you like.
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Hello everyone. A week or so before my Gill died she was desperately worried about what would happen to me and how I would manage without her. She even interviewed representatives of a couple of care organisations. I wondered if perhaps any of you have gone down that path? For the first time since she died I have this morning taken our beagle for a walk along Gill’s favourite route (currently being demolished by HS2). It went quite well I even had the faintest of feelings that she walked alongside for the briefest of moments. I collapsed when we got back to the car. Such is my present state that I have had to hide away photographs of her, I feel ashamed about that but I find them simply too painful to even glimpse. I am receiving a weekly counselling call fro Age UK, a very nice lady but I don’t think it really works for me over the telephone. I would pay quite a lot of money for a strong hug - how pathetic is that?
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Oh Peter you are not at all pathetic. You are expressing overwhelming grief having lost your wife of so many years. I also cannot look at photos of my husband. I have tried but it leaves me so bereft at what I have lost that it brings me no comfort, rather deep distress. It’s almost a year for me and I still feel numb to my core.
Unfortunately even if you could pay for a hug you are very unlikely to get one in this bizarre world we now inhabit. I wonder if you could voice how you feel to the lady from age UK. It could be that by arranging for someone to help you in your house you might find someone with whom you can engage. Instead of doing housework they might make you a hot drink and sit and chat with you. if this person can establish a support bubble with you it could bring you some much needed human contact. As I write those words I am aware of how odd a concept this may seem! Grief is bewildering enough without the restrictions imposed by covid. Your beagle Flora sounds a wonderful companion but we all need the human touch. Your deep love for Gill shines through your words. I do hope you can find some help.
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Hi Peter so sorry for the way you are feeling ,I have had a good day and my mind has been full of work issues,coming home to house minus Eileen just set off the blubbering again ,feel like I let her down at not being able to save her from the medical issues she had ,maybe she isn’t in pain any longer and I should be grateful for that ,anyway enough of me hope you can enjoy the rest of the evening as best you can,realise like the rest of us that it is a long job ,back to Amazon prime and Star Trek ,it blots out thoughts for an hour or two
All the best Steve
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