@PeterLI went swimming today with my daughter. John and I loved swimming so it helps clear my mind just slowly moving through the water. You did so well taking your dog for a walk. Doing that on your own was good. I have a lady come to clean my house. She is lovely and has become a friend. I can’t be bothered to do the cleaning myself. Perhaps you could get someone local to help you and maybe someone else to help with the garden? If you can afford it of course. That would be a couple of days you would have company. When Emma comes to clean she always gives me a hug. I couldn’t care less if I get Covid now. I hope you sleep well. I am enjoying a glass of wine as I write this. Sending you a big hug from Cornwall.
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Thank you so much for the big hug Johnswife. I have had another weepy day. I have to arrange the burial of Gill’s ashes soon, how can I possibly do that? Our ashes are to be buried in our village church yard, we have lived here for all of our married life. Our cleaner for the last 15 years handed in her notice two weeks after Gill died - exquisite timing! I think I have found another one. I also have an occasional gardener and with the help of a ride-on mower I can manage the rest of our rather large garden. I am about to have a rather large gin, I raise the glass to you.
A large hug from Warwickshire to you and everyone else here who needs one - that must mean all of us.
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@PeterLGood morning I hope you had a restful night. I woke early, too early. It’s going to be a long day. I would suggest you don’t rush to lay Gills ashes to rest . Only do that when you are ready.
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Hello again. I have had a difficult couple of days. I don’t understand why I feel so awful, I can’t recall anything in particular that triggers these profound depressions - they just seem to arrive from nowhere. My doctor tells me that they are a normal part of the grieving process. You must all be tired of me telling you that I miss my Gill so much but my mind seems have stuck in despair mode, nothing interests me anymore. I am off to bed now, Flora, my beagle, has already staked her claim at the bottom of the bed and is gently snoring. I hope I will be able to sleep myself and forget for a while. Goodnight all, I wish you a peaceful night’s sleep, it is the kindest thing for us I think.
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@PeterL I hope you had a good night. I woke far too early again. I understand how you feel I am also very low at the moment.
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I wish I could help you Johnswife. I had to get up smartish for an eye test this morning. I was so lucky as there was an all female crew on duty and I enjoyed their company for a while. Now back home I am beginning to feel the dark cloud descending once more. I wish I had read one of your posts before joining this rather special community I like to think that I would then have chosen" Gillshubby" as my username! Thank you for your friendship Johnswife, I shall cross my fingers that your day might improve.
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@PeterL Thank you I am sure we all help each other in a small way when we post on here. Gillshubby that would have been a nice name.
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Hi Gillshubby, truly hope this greeting brings a smile to you this afternoon Peter and chases the black cloud away for a moment or two. Just to say that I had the black cloud visit this morning given it’s my third birthday without my beautiful husband. He died eight days after my 58th. One of the things he asked me to do before he went to theatre for his final spinal tap, was to look after his Mam. I managed to help do this until April of this year. I was devastated not to be with her when she left us all here to join her son. She left behind her beloved husband of 68 years, who is 91 years of age. Today I received from my dear father-in-law the first birthday card he has ever written to me…for those 41 years it was his darling wife that took care of business. I have sobbed for me and for him today. His kindness and caring still shines through his own grief and pain. As my own dear Dad used to say ‘They broke the mould’.
So I’ll be thinking of you both as you take yourselves through each hour of the day, in the best way you can. Love is…all we need…how lucky are we to be so loved. Take care, you will always be the lovely Gill’s hubby, kind wishes, xx
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Thank you so much Rainbow. It did raise a smile - closely followed my more tears. I feel for your father-in-law, he will be going through the same sort of hell I am.
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I awoke to a sunny morning, even cooked myself some breakfast then took Flora for her walk (muddy!). I met a fellow villager whilst on the walk and she told me that she thought I was coping very well, I felt the first welling up of tears but got home OK. Then for some inexplicable reason, I opened a drawer which I knew to contain Gill’s favourite tops and shoved my hand deep inside. Why on earth would I do that to myself? The day is ruined and I am crying uncontrollably as I type this. How and why are we supposed to go through this heel everyday.
Sorry guys, not a helpful post.
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But it’s a post that others will relate to and feel comforted that they are not alone.
I keep playing sad songs and wallow in those. In some ways it’s a good thing. Some people can’t let go and grieve, they hold it in. That’s not good for anyone. Grief takes us all in different ways and we have no choice but to muddle through each day as best we can.
So carry on taking Flora for her walk. Remember happy times and cry if you need to. You are doing just fine, and my thoughts are with you. Hugs, Ann
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Hi Peter, the reason I would give to you for your actions today is your desperate need to connect with Gill. I have done the same…looking through one of my husband’s toolboxes…he was a toolmaker so holding and touching items that he used from being an apprentice, his gloves and hat, caused such pain, but I couldn’t help myself…I was drawn into it. They’re not in our garage anymore, they are safely stored in the house. I try not to dwell upon the reasons for any of my behaviour now. I am not the same person since he died although I will always be his ‘lovely wife’. Please keep you and Flora safe and well, kindest regards, x
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Thank you Ann and Rainbow. Its a hell of a day for me. My darling died on July 26th and I am haunted by images of her final moments and then the undertakers wheeling her out of our home, leaving our home of 48 years for her very last time. Will these ghastly images ever fade - I want to remember all our happy times not those dreadful hours. I truly believe that I am going crazy… I hope that you are all having a less painful day. Perhaps tomorrow might be a little better - I just don’t know how to escape these awful memories.
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Dear Peter,
You are not going crazy, honestly! Or if you are, so are the rest of us.
I never knew grief would be this bad. It is so horrendous. But all we can do is go with the flow. We can’t change anything so we aren’t really able to cope with what is happening.
I cope, sort of, by thinking how much my beloved husband would hate me giving in. He would hope I would live the rest of my life as best I can, and I will. It’s just that I will do that, but it will be for him. I loved him so much and still do, But I would g give anything to have him back here with me. Another 57 years would be good.
No Peter, it’s not you going crazy…it’s you wrestling with your thoughts to try and gain some sense, some understanding to everything you have witnessed. Your emotions are going through the wringer. You are stressed to the point that you can’t think straight or rationally. It’s the end of your world because the one person who made your world just couldn’t stay with you anymore. How can I say this, because that was me too Peter. I lived on adrenaline for many many months and ended up very unwell. I have told mine and my beautiful husbands story many times…to anyone who would lend me their ear really. Telling your thoughts, feelings and yes, explaining the day in day out downright despair, is the right thing to do. There has to be periods of distraction where you give your overworked brain a rest. Flora is key to helping you. Classic FM or a talk station played low 24 hours a day…a page or paragraph of a favourite book…a telephone call to a dear friend.
I wouldn’t accept medication so talking therapy has been my crutch…that’s all it can be. Please consider all help and support offered. This community is therapy in its own way. Keep on posting, we are listening and are just at the end of your fingertips, sending a big hug x
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Peter, please keep posting your thoughts and feelings. I have been reading them, along with those of all the great comrades on this site…I cannot always bring myself to reply I’m afraid but I promise you that I am with you. Jim
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Thank you Jim. The Sue Ryder site, its individual threads and, most of all, the shared experiences of all the delightful, injured, people who understand and listen to each other’s hell is really rather special. My contacts here are immensely important to me as I learn to live life as a half-person.
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Dear @PeterL your struggle is all our struggles. We somehow wake every morning and face another day without them. We are not the people we once were and never will be again. Life has dealt us a terrible blow. We just have to get through this and some are coping better than others. They will help us. There is great kindness on this forum.
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Feeling a little stronger than I was yesterday I have started clearing out Gill’s office with a view to turning it back into a bedroom. The sight of her so familiar handwriting made my tummy flutter but, as it wasn’t personal stuff, I pressed on. Whilst doing this I thought how wonderful it would have been had I found an envelope addressed to me form Gill “To be opened in the event of my death” containing words of love, happy shared memories and thanks for our lifetime together. Pure fantasy I know but wouldn’t it be lovely if all happily married people were to leave such a letter behind? Needless to say I have upset myself writing this!
I hope you are all having a gentle sort of day.
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@PeterL I wrote such a letter for John. When I mentioned it he said ‘Oh do I have to write one as well’! He didn’t like writing he was an artist and model maker. A practical man a firefighter all his working life. I read the letter I wrote him the other day and it actually helped me.
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