PeterL, I too had the exact same thoughts when I had to go in to Colin’s drawer and thought he had left me a poem or note. He would often write special poems or emails but I knew he was too unwell at the end.
You are doing so well trying to sort out Gill’s belongings and a special place in your home that means alot to you.
Seeing your wife’s hand writing will be so comforting I’m sure. I too have books of notes with Colin’s writing and love to read it over and over although it was discussions and questions about his cancer treatment.
I did go through and transfer all his photographs from his phone and did think he had taken 3 or 4 for me to come across. I don’t know but I’ve told myself I think he did it as he was so poorly…
Its only the start of this horrendous journey and I keep over thinking the details but I am sending you heart felt wishes and I do hope you wake feeling a bit better tomorrow.
Thank you Sam1. My day started quietly with breakfast and a rather muddy walk with Flora. Then I came home to find a letter from darling Gill’s pension administrators requesting a copy of her Death Certificate. So now I am a blubbering wreck again. How I hate this hell. There is no end to it.
Hi Peter
Just had a moment myself ,got round to tidying up a few of Eileens clothes and what do I come across but a birthday card she had got ready for me for this coming December ,Eileen passed away in July but was always well prepared ,of course it has set me back as I was in floods of tears ,it made me so happy but at. Same time made me so sad .
I so understand your grief ,to add to it I found out on Tuesday that I will be redundant come 31st December, what a year 2020
I am so sorry about your job Steve you really didn’t need that whilst dealing with the loss of Eileen. Its going to be a horrendous Christmas for us all. I lost my darling Gill in July also. Gill was highly organised - I never had to worry about dates at all. I am having a dreadful day, the loss of my soul mate and the crushing loneliness are destroying me. I pray for it all to end.
Peter so sorry you are having a bad day ,Eileen was the most organised but disorganised person ,she too was my soulmate ,we fell out but not for long ,she was beautiful and it’s all gone ,same as you I want out but need to carry on for my son and daughter ,need to get job hunting but maybe a few months off is what I need
All the best Peter x
@PeterL Dear Peter we understand as we feel the same. Why don’t we die from a broken heart? I really don’t understand it. 
Hi Peter hope you don’t mind me coming in on this thread my wife passed over a year ago as time goes by it gets less painful but never goes away I still break down in tears at times take your time we all heal in our own time don’t be afraid of tears they help relieve pressure I have found hope it helps
Being made redundant, a few months after losing Eileen is a horrible end to a terrible year. I hope you are able to have a better start to the New Year
Hi Peter, I hear you. The paperwork is endless and we started 4 monthx before Colin passed. Its a constant reminder and you just want time to grieve and allow yourself time away from sorting these things out.
I know I have had a day today as I do everyday. Its 6 weeks today since Colin died. It feels like an eternity since i could hold his hand and hear his voice. God the pain is horrendous.
Ive lost myself and my purpose other than making sure my children are ok, which they are and doing so much better than me.
I’m so glad you have Flora, I have our dog Zara. She is really missing him too as she was his second nurse and like velcro at his side.
I’m thinking of you and I’m so glad we have others who completely understand.
Samantha
Dear Johnswife. How true, my broken heart has, in effect, killed me yet I am still here living a hellish semi-existance without Gill. Its an irony that thousands of sick people are praying to be allowed to live and they could never understand us. How powerful love is. I have had two large gins and two sleeping pills and hope to escape to the land of nod. I wish a untroubled sleep to all our friends here, a large hug to you all. Peter x
@PeterLi am with you in the hell we are living. I hope tomorrow if we wake is kinder to us. 
It probably hasn’t sunk in properly yet but it has distracted my thoughts ,things can’t get a lot worse I hope ,financially it is and isn’t a disaster short term ,some colleagues are in a bad way ,anyway in to work today will seem real strange ,in particular dealing with the directors of the company ,I have this for 3 months ,have to hold my tongue I am afraid as I am sure they would like nothing more than not having to pay redundancy
Thanks for the kind thoughts
Hello everyone, I can’t say much at the moment but I do read all your posts. Please keep them going, they are sometimes the only thing that gets me out of my misery.
I believe that I have hit rock bottom. Collected my darling Gill’s ashes this afternoon for burial tomorrow.
Her casket is sitting in her usual chair in front of the log burner and I am sitting next to her utterly distraught.
Flora, my beagle, doesn’t understand why I am crying all the time. I feel as though my personal hell is complete now.
I do so hope that you are all doing better than I am.
Hello Peter, What you are feeling is totally natural and I feel so sorry for your loss of your beloved Gill. We all feel the same especially in the very early days. Keep talking to Gill and know that she is still around you and guiding you. She wouldn’t want you to feel so downhearted but knowing that doesn’t help at this stage. Please take one day at a time and do look after yourself with tempting things for meals and try to stay in some sort of a routine. If you aren’t strong for yourself you cannot be strong for Gill. Take care, and keep posting. We are all here for you. Blessings.
Dear Peter,
I feel for you and for all of us on here who feel just like you do. There is only one thing I can say and that is something my Dad used to say. . . . . when you are at the very bottom, the only way is up. That wasn’t meant to be funny by the way, before someone takes umbrage. It’s what he believed and it makes a lot of sense.
Tomorrow will be hard. I know, I have been there. Once that is over, perhaps you will feel a little calmer and more accepting.
Also, don’t forget, Flora needs you! I hope she is perfectly healthy now after the fright you had with her.
Keep going, Peter. We are all here beside you. X
@PeterL Dear Peter we all wish we could sit with you and talk about our loved ones together. Please imagine us around your log burner smiling as you tell us about your life with Gill. Give Flora a hug from me. 
Dear Peter
Words are useless but everyone here is sending their love and support across the airwaves. I shall be thinking of you especially today…never forget that Gill’s spirit lives on and that each one of us somehow finds the strength to climb out of the pit of despair…deep breaths and little tiny steps.
Take care…keep Flora by your side and believe that Gill is still in your heart.
God bless you x
I am writing this at the same time and on the same day that my darling Gill died from her cancer. It is a very tough day for me . I began to cry when I woke up, I cried through what little breakfast I had. I cried walking Flora and I am weeping as I write this, Life is utterly awful and I long to join her. Before her death Gill wrote down several suggested readings for her funeral service - she was like that! One stands out for me today and I would like to share it with you all. It was written by Joyce Grenfell:-
If I should go before the rest of you
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone,
Nor when I am gone speak in a Sunday voice
But be the usual selves that I have known.
Weep if you must
Parting is hell.
But life goes on
So sing as well.
I shall never sing again but I think it is a lovely little piece.
Bless you all and have a calm day, Peter
I am with you Peter.
It was my wife Helen’s birthday this week , it has not been good. But thank you for finding the energy to post this lovely poem, it helps a little.
I miss her and cry for her every day, I suspect as you do. It is difficult carrying on isn’t it? But let’s keep trying. Jim