My daughter 32yr passed away from metastatic melanoma a month ago today. When does the heartache get any easier?

Coping with bereavement
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My daughter died aged 32 on 22nd October after 3 years of treatment for metastatic Melanoma. I cry several times a day. My heart aches and I can’t imagine the future without her. How do you cope? xx

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hi im very sorry for your loss my advice is take it day by day .Ilost my wife she was 41 (i know its not the same sort of heartache )if you have family and friends lean on them Go see your gp if youve not already im sure youll get more advice from people on here massive friendship hug Colin

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Hi alison65uk,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I am so very sorry to hear about the death of your daughter - it is a terrible thing for a parent to lose a child.

This site is here for you as an outlet for your feelings and to chat to people who’ve been through similar experiences. I’m glad to see you’ve already had a supportive reply from Colin.

I just wanted to let you know about this recent conversation between users called Joes mum and Janine77, who both lost adult sons: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/my-son-aged-26-died-150916-i-cant-cope

Feel free to post a reply in that conversation if you would like to talk to them.

Do you have friends and family around to support you? Are you getting any kind of bereavement support? Here are some other good organisations that can support you.

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Hi Colin.

Thank you for your reply. I am taking each day as it comes at the moment and it is so hard. I am not up to seeing friends but I have close family who are supportive. I went to see my GP who prescribed a weeks supply of Diazepam and suggested I contact cruse. They do not have a local support group. Hope for plenty of support on here

I’m sorry for the loss of your wife at a young age and hope you are getting some support

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Hello Alison56
I too lost my daughter to the same thing in 2015. She was 33. She didn’t sunbathe but had very fair skin. I find it all so unfair. I understand your pain. Last thing at night is difficult and as soon as I wake up and the realisation hits me. I still ask myself if its a bad dream. She worked hard, having little jobs from the age of 14, completed uni and climbing the career ladder working many hours. She had so much to give and I believe she would have made a wonderful headteacher one day. She was married and also left a beautiful 4 year old little girl who we are helping to rear. She drives us. As well as our own grief, our hearts are ripped apart for this little one and I worry about her for the future. She has to survive without her Mummy and my daughter has been denied all the pleasures of bringing her up. We still cope day by day. I don’t/can’t plan incase things go wrong. We just exist. I understand how you don’t feel up to seeing people. It’s all too painful. Texting people is useful as you’re not face to face and have time to construct a reply. I have a close family some friends who have kept in touch. Our lives do not resemble our life before this happened but I realise life will never be the same again. I have found some very caring and genuine help on this site.

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Hello Alison
I too like Bir and yourself lost my son to a brain tumour in December, and Bir is right the pain is awful last thing at night and first thing in the morning, but like Bir I too have another son he has a little boy and his wife is expecting identical twin girls, so I have no choice but to go on as best as I can. I have some really good friends and a wonderful partner, but I take each day as it comes, somebody said grief is like the waves, they can sometimes come and knock you off your feet when you think you might have a good day. I sometimes think that “oh I’m not doing too bad today I actually smiled at someone!!” My friend lost her daughter she was 48 but had the mental age of someone of 10 or 12 so Sandra did everything for her, and she said to me each day a small step. Sam is all around me here at home and I talk to him all the time as I find this helps me.

Love Helen

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Rachel was the same she had fair skin and never sunbathed. She hated being hot. I too find the night time hard. During the day I can try to keep busy but at night there is too much thinking time. These are the times I tend to cry, particularly on a Saturday night around midnight, as that is the time she passed away.
Rachel had only been married for just over a year when she passed away. She had been looking forward to starting a family as the treatment for the mets in her lung was very successful then out of the blue she started getting headaches and was diagnosed with brain metastases. She only survived for 4 months after that.
I get upset that she didn’t get to start a family. She would have been a wonderful mother. She was such a kind, generous and happy person. Certainly life will never be the same again.

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I also have a son who has two small children. They live near Manchester so we have decided to move North so we can help with babysitting.(we have just sold our house this weekend) It will give me a focus. At the moment I take each day as it comes and agree that the grief does come in waves. I am forever looking for signs that Rachel is with me. I have had signs which I’m sure are from Rachel which lifts me a little

Love Alison

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Hi Alison,
I know Sam is with me, earlier in the week I did the ironing and was having a bad day, looked out of the window and said to Sam “if you are really here please…do the impossible and prove it”. Some 2 or 3 weeks after he died I went with a friend to see Dyrham Arboretum where we can have a tree in November that I can put his ashes under wearing his cancer bracelet, we called in Chipping Sodbury High Street for a coffee, my friend her name is Helen too has been brilliant never asking me how I am but suggesting little things to go to or see not for long just enough. As I sat down for my coffee I took my coat off and realised the bracelet wasn’t there and became upset. Now some 3 months or so later I asked Sam that question and I took the ironing back to the bedroom and there on the floor in front of me was that bracelet. As I looked up in my mind’s eye I can see him smiling at me, saying OK what next!! I feel him all the time and keep talking to him what does he think about this or that, my partner does as well. Just talking to him really helps me. He would be so mad if I gave up on life, as he fought so well went back to snowboarding and carpentry even with 1 hand that didn’t work so well. He was being scanned every 3 months as he was part of the brain tumour study and they found that it had then started again in a place that was inoperable just over 4 years after the last one. I suppose when we were all originally told, the surgeon said he could possibly die on the operating theatre but if Sam wanted he would give it a go and remove as much as possible. Sam said yes which is how we all lived life to the full for that time. As he walked down originally to the operating theatre he handed me a card. I opened it and inside he had written without all of you I couldn’t do this and had taped a sim card from a mobile phone to the inside of the card…which read please reinsert into brain after operation! It is so hard because he was also my friend, but for his sake I have to push on even though there are days I don’t want to and would rather curl up and die!!

Helen

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Thanks for replying. I understand how difficult and distressing it all is. Even just thinking about everything is so hard. My daughter too had brain metastases. I do try to think about how well she was thought of but I still find myself thinking of the awful things she went through. I ask why? all the time. I know these things happen to people but not you so it’s such a shock too. It’s so unfair. I’m sorry your daughter was denied the chance to have children. We do worry for the future for our Granddaughter (she is settled at the moment) and will always do our best to help her. She is our daughter’s legacy. Our son’s first child was born 2 months after she passed away so she didn’t get to meet her first nephew and my son didn’t get to show him off to her. The cousins love each other’s company. We will tell him about his Auntie when he’s old enough.

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Rachel remained so positive right up to the point when they told her it was terminal and there was nothing more they could do for her. This was 3 weeks before she passed away. She went through some tough times particularly the last 4 months but she never once complained. She was so brave. I do ask myself why. Life can be so cruel

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Like Rachel, Sam remained positive, but he had been told at the outset in 2012 that although he wouldn’t have a natural lifespan, he would have a life…those are the words the Neurosurgeon used. His brother said how long…he said I can give you statistics if you like looked at Sam and Sam said no thanks. He learnt to walk again as he had had a controlled stroke on the operating table in order for the surgeon to take more of the tumour. He gave Sam another 4 years just over and for that I will always be eternally grateful. His brother knew (I think Sam did as well) but Sam was very good at
…for want of a better expression putting things on shelves that he could do nothing about. He like Rachel never complained or asked why me I did. He carried on as though nothing was wrong, even to the point where some of his friends said, we forgot he had that thing in his head!! That is why I have no options but to carry on and look forward to meeting him in 20 years time.

love Helen

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My daughter, just like Sam and Rachel, was so brave. Never once complained. I know her priority was her daughter but she made as many plans as possible to ease the situation. I can only imagine the anguish she must have felt about leaving her. We have lots to show her when she can understand the true meaning of her Mummy’s achievements and courage. I can hardly bear the thought of Mother’s Day again, especially the little one. I will be thinking of you both also.

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I must admit I am dreading Mothers Day, no card from Sam and I too will be thinking of you both.

with love Helen

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So sorry for your loss. I lost my friend, my dad and in laws last year. In laws died at the same time. All I can say is that it does get a bit easier with time. I went from crying for 6 hours a day to crying for ten minutes a day. I think you never get over a big loss but you learn to accept it in time. Be kind to yourself, eat well and try to rest.
Also try and keep
Busy. After my dad died I decorated our whole house even though it didn’t need it. I just wanted to keep busy xxx

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Thank you for your kind words. I am crying less now but there are a few tears everyday with some days where I cry loads. I am trying to keep busy which is difficult as I am retired from work. I have decided to run to Great Manchester 10K for Melanoma UK. The training is keeping me busy and Rachel is helping me through the tough spots x

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I am also dreading Mother’s day. The first one without Rachel. I was sorting out the loft the other day - I need to keep busy - and I found last year’s Mother’s say card from Rachel. I think I shall put it up again this year. Some people have suggested buying yourself a present as if it is from your loved one. Still not decided on that yet. With be thinking of you too. X

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I am dreading Mother’s day. As I said to Samsung mom I have a card from Rachel that I found when I was tidying the loft. I shall put it up again this year. Will be thinking of you x

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Have you thought of buying a diary to write to Rachel in, just to tell her how you feel and what you’ve been doing. I write to my dad a lot telling him things that have happened and things that might have made him laugh. Just a thought xxx Mother’s Day will be hard but I bet your lovely Rachel was always happiest when you were happy xx

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You were meant to keep that card. I still have some cards which were made many years ago and also a couple of gifts made at school. I’m so glad that I kept these. They are so special now. Absolutely precious.