I lost my wife on February 1st 2021 at 07.30 “wow what a day”
I live two lives, one that is in the daylight and one that is in the shadows, I wake up every morning with a feeling of dread I go to work every day dreading the day ahead, but at least it’s a daylight time, I do my job to the best of my abilities, and at the end of the day I know I have done a good job, then I get in the car !!!, its time to go home, Bang !! I know what’s coming! I park the car in the carport and I turn the engine off, I look down near the foot well and there is a picture of Kath, I give it a kiss and then get out of the car, I open the door to the house and now I am in the shadows, I cease to exist , no one calls, I sit in the lounge and watch crap, it’s time to eat so I put some crap in the oven, dinner over, what’s on tv? its 21.00 time to open the wine, I cant settle again, I’m up and down, in the garden for a cigarette, 3 glasses later and its 12.15, it’s a work day so I best go to bed, I sit in the garden for a few minutes, then inside, lights off, brush teeth etc, then up the stairs, I turn the tv on for a bit of news, then turn the lights off and go to sleep, 07.30, shit the alarm has gone off and its time to get up, OH DEAR, another day of the same. Life is shit!!!
I can totally relate to how your feeling. It’s been just one month and one day since I lost the love of my life. I haven’t gone back to work yet and I’m dreading it. I miss my old life and hate this new hell I’ve been flung into… sending you hugs from the darkness x
Hi . This is a living hell . My happy life gone . I spend most of my time on a night sitting out the back . Coffee and cigs are my best friend now . I put on an act at work , also with family . But when I’m on my own . That’s when I know my life is over . No future, no happiness . No love . Thinking of you xtake carex
how long has it been since her passing … as if it is not long … then accept this now and do not fight with it.
it is not a satisfactory life but one cannot expect that in grief. one must accept suffering in this time.
if it has been several years, or over a year, I would add to the mix an activity group. bird watching astronomy club art class whatever.
too often we do not allow ourselves a nicer time on this planet … and that is a shame. our lives are to be enjoyed contrary to what they say.
for one day we are dying too … and we have only ourselves to answer to. I lie in bed inside and mourn … but past a certain time I must do some things for myself … or my life would have been all for naught.
but proceed gently but proceed a little bit, at least.
Hi @tonyo42 life is incredibly crap as you say when you lose the person you lived for. I’m only 10 weeks in to the grieving process and completely alone. There’s no care for anything anymore and the emptiness after years of caring for Mike has left a massive hole. As you say you just go through the moves, get up do what you have to and it all seems so pointless. I cry at the thought of the dark lonely nights and they are coming so fast with just rubbish tv for company. I wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel but for now there’s only darkness
Sending everyone reading this a hug as we all need one …Jen x
Hi Tony, I lost my husband (also called Tony) in April 2021 so I’m a couple months behind you on this journey and it’s so damn hard. I work evenings so at least when I get home I can just go straight to bed. But it also means I have the days to get through. Long and often lonely days that are hard to fill. I get on with life as best I can and I think im doing pretty ok but it’s still so lonely without them isn’t it. No one to see I got home ok from work, no one to talk to about the day, no-one to make plans with - I could go on but I know you get what I mean.
I spent my whole adult life with him so just feel at a complete loss on how to build a life for myself. At 49 im on my own for the first time and it’s so hard. I guess we just have to plod on and hope that things get better.
Hi lonely. You’re quite right it’s much the same for all of us. I’m also retired so as I suspect like you I’ve got a lot of time on my hands. I do exactly the same as you. Get up in the morning switch on the tv and watch mind numbing rubbish for most of the day. I do try and go out once a day if only for a walk just for a change of scenery but I’m always alone so permanently lost in my own thoughts and memories. I wonder sometimes if it’s a little easier if you’re working because at least you are interacting with other people and have other things to think about but perhaps not. My very best wishes to you.
Hi Tony
Your words living life in the shadows sums it up. I used that expression to others to try and explain how I feel but obviously if their lives are okay it means nothing.
There’s the out in the world me and the behind the closed door me. My shadow life consists of memories, tears and self pity!
I have been out in the world! away for a few days which was nice but I have to return to the half life, the silent house, it’s no longer a home. Coming back this time feels particularly hard as Phils birthday is this month, then November will be the first anniversary of his death ( I can’t believe so much time has passed)
I hope to one day be part of the world again though not sure how at the moment
Kind thoughts to you and all on this site x
Hi Tony, I totally get you, I always think of it as putting on a mask, trying to live day to day with a heart that’s broken. I lost my husband in January 2022 and every day is an effort. You feel so much pressure to be ‘moving on’ but in reality we don’t. Take care x
Tony, I totally get how you feel. I lost my husband a while ago and it hit me hard too, but what I’m reading here is that you are actually getting up every day and going to work and going through the motions. So take all those things as positives. You might feel like shit but you are keeping on going. Since the loss of my husband, I have recently lost my mum and sister within a short period of time and I find myself in this same position all over again. But with the help of friends, colleagues and a good GP and psychiatrist I am now on the road to some kind of normality (I don’t like to say recovery) because we never do recover from anything like this. So what I’m trying to say is that I am actually doing ok and have started eating better, getting exercise, talking more to family and friends about how I feel. You will get there.
We are all going through this horrible time of our life and it is crap, I lost my wife in June 2020 and I was the same as you. In march 2022 I was in my local working man’s club and I meet a lady and we started talking, we had a drink and a dance then she left. I meet her the following week we had a lovely night. All sounds great but after meeting a few times and we got on great as she to had lost her partner in December 2019 I told my three sons who rejected her straight away without seeing or meeting her. My hole family including 7 grandchildren has now rejected me because they think I am replacing there mother. I have stumbled from losing my wife of 45 years to losing my hole family because I am trying to get on with my life but they seem to think that I should be at home alone every day and night. It’s now 6 months since we meet and things are great but I am torn apart and the pain never goes away. Tony you will get things going in your life so try to grab some happiness when you can, you will never forget your wife but you can be happy again. All the best Bob
Hi Tony, I can relate to what you’re saying. It is like living a double life. It has been nearly 3 years since I lost my lovely husband. It is shit. That is the only word that really sums it all up. You put a I’m ok face on to the world and then when that door shuts, you put your real face on. I am slowly starting to live a life again. To be honest life scares me without my Andy by my side. It would have been his birthday today. I hate this time of year. Keep going and try to start living again, as difficult as it is. Take care
Thank you all for your responses, I did forget to mention my mum has advanced dementia and is not expected to be here at Christmas so I go to the IOW to be with her when I can but we normally sit in silence after everything i wanted to say has been said. I turn 60 next month, I took Kath to Iceland to see the northern lights in 2019 for her 60th, I know she had started making plans for mine but that’s all gone now, I just need a companion, someone to talk to, to share a meal, the cinema, anything other than the solitude and desolation that is slowly killing me from the inside. I did attend a cruse group but this did not work for me as I lost Kath when I was 58 “quite young I’m told” but most of the people are much older than me so I just cant seem to connect, still its another day tomorrow who knows!
Sounds like you are dealing with a lot at the moment. I ended up getting 1-1 counselling, it was over the telephone but at the time I was in such a bad place. It helped and I have been a bit brighter since. Always a heavy feeling of Andy’s absence. He was 59 when he died I was 54. No age really, I have a good family, and good friends. I’m lucky in that respect. My mum passed away 6 weeks after Andy, so double bereavement. I think with regards to counselling, it is very much a personal thing. What works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another. Sometimes it’s just a relief talking to someone that has been through it and that you don’t have to explain how you feel as they know. Hope that makes sense. I have kept myself busy for the most part, considering I hate cleaning and DIY I’ve done quite a lot. But hey, whatever works to keep you going.
Hi Andytj
I do have counselling, last year in Cruse group therapy through Zoom and in April this year 1-to-1 with a really wonderful therapist but now I have a therapist who is trying to get me back into the world, I have become a bit of a recluse “except going to work”, I work in an office so it can be quiet sometimes. The counselling does help, I used to enjoy DIY, my house is 120 years old so takes some maintaining, as for cleaning, when I’m really down I clean, i started on the cooker a few weeks ago, before i knew it I had dismantled it completely, then of course I had to re-build it but at least it was clean. there is only so much housework you can do, living on my own i make no mess so just general cleaning keeps the house tip top. My children are great but i try not to burden them with my sadness as they have there own to deal with , they are both married so they do have their partners to talk to. I will just continue to plough through the days and see where it takes me, what else is there, what I miss most and crave is the hugs, and falling asleep holding hands in bed simple gestures we all take for granted until its gone.
That made me laugh about the cooker. All my girls are married and have children of their own. They lead very busy lives. Like you I try not to burden them with my sadness. I try to be upbeat, not just around family but in general. But it is so exhausting. I’m pleased you’re getting counselling, I found that when I was telling my counsellor how I felt and what I thought and she put it in to context, that I wasn’t going crazy after all and that what I was feeling was “normal “. Anyway it helped, I have just returned from my first holiday without Andy, it’s a place we always went to, so many happy memories. I went with my family and we all felt his absence. So tears and laughter.
I realised that I now need to make memories for them, happy memories.
Today is difficult, I always think that I will be ok, put my big girl pants on and face it head on, yeah doesn’t always happen lol.
My husband left a legacy of laughter, I try not to be sad. It isn’t what he would have wanted for me. He loved life so I know he would want me to live a life. Easier said than done.
You say that the office is quiet where you work. Don’t they like to chat ?
I meant to add, I miss the hugs too and holding hands. I always felt safe in his hugs and warm holding his hand. All my troubles would just melt away with one of his hugs.
Hi AndyTJ
Its a small office but the radio is on, you went on holiday, well done, That was our thing, travel, its a big world out the and at some point i intend to travel again, we used to trip at least 3 times a year to different countries, this is the first time in over 20 years i dot have a tan line lol, shit i miss that !! but am not ready to travel again yet… I know how you are feeing as it is Andy birthday today, and i hope you get through it ok, i miss laughing we had such fun, Kath told my daughter that I am NOT to live the rest of my life alone, who knows what the future holds for any of us, i was always a people person, I know its still there I just struggle to find it. take Care
