My family, 2 friends and my dog Jack have all gone.

[Lee-lee]

Hi there,

During lockdown I lost my Mum, Dad, Sister, 2 close friends and my dog Jack who was my hug buddy and companion. I do have a small Cairn terrier Obi who has been a life saver.

I’m really not sure if anyone out there has gone through what I have experienced in the past year and half but, if you have I would love to hear from you, just talking to someone that has experienced this much loss will help.
I live alone so really needed the support during lockdown, I’m now on a 4th round of therapy,

I’m also learning a lot about human nature, I’ve found that people can be incredibly insensitive. What I thought was my best friend, the person I spent literally hundreds of hours with when she split with her partner on a number of occasions in the past. She would walk with me and the dogs twice a day, everyday and talk. She was my friend and I would absolutely be there and I was.
It’s this same friend that once I got to the stage that I wanted to go out, I asked if she wanted to go out for the evening, I asked over a few months and each time I was told, “I’ve already made arrangements Sorry”, I also got “I just wanna go out and have fun I lived with someone who didn’t want to do anything for years”. (I know I spent hundreds of hours with you during that time) After you’ve asked about 12 times or more you stop asking. I did speak to her and said that I don’t ask her anymore, she said “I don’t do it deliberately” but after that many times you just stop asking.

It’s also this best friend of mine that told me that the rowing club we both belong to really come out and support one another! No, no they don’t I said, the co Chairman’s son recently committed suicide, he would have been 18, the club supported him I read hundreds of community messages and most attended the funeral for him and also another lady in the club who has an extremely bad back, the club also posted supportive messages and rightly so they should be supported. so I said what about me, am I not a member of the club too, losing my family, friends and Jack doesn’t that qualify am I not someone.
She said she didn’t know why the club hasn’t supported me and that I could join another rowing club which is just beside our club or what was our club.
I didn’t expect that from my friend, I know she also went through hell I was there every step of the way but, I feel exceptionally hurt and let down by both my friend and the club and it’s the last thing I need to be thinking about on top of everything else right now.

I feel that I now need to leave the rowing club, I feel really hurt by it and I can’t get it out of my mind I also feel the same about my friend. Right now I need my friends more than ever but, I’ve come to the conclusion that In order to protect myself I need to let her go. I’m not going to let he hurt me anymore I just can’t hear one more rejection, I won’t be rude I will say hello and goodbye but, I’ll never ask her to go out again because what I’m really struggling with is why would anyone want a friend that has no time for you except when you point things out, that’s when you see them because they feel guilty.

Yes I’m really struggling with everything, especially work I have no interest in my job, they have been exceptional and are helping occupational health etc. but, what I’m struggling with is what do I want out of life, I don’t have any anchors, I have no family, I have no focus, I need to start a new journey on my own and make a new life but, I don’t have any answers at the moment so I resolved not to make any important decisions at the moment.

I lost my purse a while back and then didn’t remember cancelling the debit cards etc. The bank stayed on the phone with me for about an hour I was so upset. That really frightened me and it’s because my tea cup overfilled as it were, still waiting for it empty out a bit.
The brain fog is the worst, I can’t focus or think of things when I need to, I’ve gone up and down the scales by a couple of stones a few times, my Psoriasis exploded and I’ve needed to go back on HRT that I stopped a while ago because the hot flushes were so intense.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but I feel I need to talk even if no one is going to talk back, just writing this helps.

Regards
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee.

Firstly I’m so so sorry for your losses all in such a short period of time too.

I can relate as I have also lost my mum,dad,sister and 2 very close ( closest friends) and my dog who was my world and saviour …so my heart goes out to you as it can feel overwhelming at times the grief.

It sounds like you are going so much and I too would feel upset about what you have experienced with your friend and the club…it must be very hurtful…I can feel the hurt in your message…

I too don’t have close family or that ’ anchor’ of such support and also feel quite lost and lonely …it’s a horrible feeling and place to be…I also live alone…I keep getting awful brain fog…so lots of your post I could relate to.

I’ve got brain fog now but I just wanted to reach out to you…I’ve found that just writing it down here can help .

Wish could write more but brain fog is winning .

[Lee-lee]

Hi Tray,

Thank you for your reply.

I honestly didn’t think anyone would have gone through the same experiences as I have, not that I’m unique but, you don’t generally hear that much loss unless you live in a war zone.

Yes at times it’s beyond overwhelming and knowing what to do with yourself is very hard, I’ve done the walking aimlessly around the kitchen or staring at the wall, the numerous rounds of therapy.
Having people that understand and empathize is so important, so thank you I really appreciate that and I’m really sorry for your loss too.

Yes the brain fog at times has been crippling so my work has suffered immensely but, they’re understanding and helping get back to normality, whatever that will be.

Again thank you Tray and if you ever just want to talk please write me, I absolutely agree just writing does help.

Regards
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you so much for your reply.

Your line of " that much loss unless live in a war zone" struck a chord with me …very true and I feel like the war zone can be your own mind with trying to deal with so much loss…I too have done the aimless woundering of rooms and staring at walls…so I very much relate to that…you are right it’s important and nice to have that empathy and understanding…unless been through grief and so many it’s difficult for others to understand…I always think they are lucky they don’t understand as it means they haven’t experienced such loss.

It sounds like your work is very understanding and also a good focus for you ?? …but I’ve found living alone difficult and so so lonely…the grief especially at this time of year can bite …I’m naturally a bit of hermit and loner and like time on my own but that’s through choice…grief and loss is not choice…I miss my loved ones painfully especially my mum and my therapist in fur dog…we had the closest bond.

Again thank you for reply…I’m dyslexic btw so please excuse any grammar and spelling errors…brain fog and tiredness doesn’t help.

[Lee-lee]

Hi Tray,

Yes I can also relate to everything that your saying too, it’s very true it is biting.
Yes at the moment work is helping, it’s a bumpy road as I have good and very bad days but I’m getting there, having the routine has been a real help it’s just difficult to focus on complex things but work are aware and are helping.

I also agree with the statement that they’re the lucky not to have experienced such loss, it really is filo pastry where the layers mount up and as you said it becomes overwhelming at times.

It really is amazing the similarities because like you losing Jack my dog was the worst, he really was my rock, he loved me unconditionally and he was with 24/7 and I loved him very much, by god he knew he was loved and I miss him so very much.
I understand your bond I was lucky to have that with Jack yes incredibly lucky, I’m also sorry for your loss, they’re our companions and gifts loaned to us. I really hope one day we meet again, I want to tell him thank you for the love and for caring so much for me and thank you for being in my life and enriching it, is what I’d like to say him and also my other dogs that I have had the pleasure of owning.

My dad was a severe dyslexic but, also a bit of a lab rat when he was younger because he could read but couldn’t spell a single word so had loads of tests etc.
No need to apologize, indeed for a dyslexic your writing is very good and I thank you for taking the time to write.

Have a lovely evening
Regards
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee -Lee ,

Your line about dogs being gifts loaned to us I found beautiful…it touched my heart …Susie Hope was only 3 when she died very unexpectedly…it broke my heart …I got Susie just a mth after losing my mum ,she was even named after my mum (Susan ) .Susie Hope litrally I feel saved my life she was my only reason I kept going …I suffered so so badly with depression anxiety after mum passed and Susie was my rock and anchor, I nicknamed her my therapist in fur …she gave such comfort and I even got a king sized bed just so she had best comfort and so we could cuddle up together at night…I had horrendous nightmares and terrors at the time after mum passed ( they have crept in again recently) but she would ground me…I miss her painfully…living alone you really notice how’ silent’ it is without her…just the noise of her snoring, getting a drink ,paws on floor etc…it’s incredibly lonely without her…I don’t have close family…Christmas seems to bring on fear and I thought this year I’d be looking forward to it a bit …mum loved Christmas and so did I but just feels so empty again this year.

Jack he sounds like he was amazing…your heart dog as they say…the support they give is just incredible isn’t it…they have the power to turn a bad day into a bearable one…I’m a huge animal lover anyway…the power of the paw ! .

I understand the good and bad days …I really appreciate the good days but again recently I seem to feel that I’m sinking a little bit the anxiety is creeping in bit more …but to where I was in terms of grief there is a difference but when it gets overwhelming gosh it’s horrible as you know …explaining it to someone who hasn’t experienced loss is difficult especially so many losses …grief is exhausting too …my grief for mum is 5 year ago but atm it feels more raw again …somedays it just hits you in the face it’s almost like it’s sitting on my shoulder again…I thought I had made bit more peace with it…peace not right word maybe accepted is better as in accepted that grief is here for life …just have try to push through it on difficult days but the pain and loneliness really do hurt.

Sorry, hope I’m not too depressing …it’s nice to have those that understand isn’t it.

Thank you again…I’m very grateful for this site.

[Lee-lee]

Hi Tray,

I whole heartedly agree with the fact that grief is exhausting, I’m a coastal rower but haven’t done much exercise at all during the past year and half and then it struck me why, it’s because it’s taken all the energy out of me just managing from day to day and that’s from someone that never sat down so yes totally agree with that.

Tray have you thought about getting another fur baby, I’m going to get another rescue dog for Obi, he’s also lost his close companion and some of his friends when my friends died.
Susie sounds like a special dog indeed, I understand and I think anyone that loves and cares for animals is made richer by their unconditional love.

Your not depressing at all, in fact your in the right place as am I.
If you need to chat if your feeling down please do.

Take care
Regards
Lee lee

[Angiejo2]

Lee and Tray.
I have just read all your posts and am so glad you seem to have already bonded with the gift of friendship which I am sure was a gift from whatever powers there be.
I lost my hubby 3 yrs ago and I started to write to an elderly gent on this site who could not bear to sleep in the bedroom anymore after his wife died.
We have formed an incredible friendship and write via e mail to each other every day. It has given us both a great bond born out of loss and we share letters and photo’s too.
Sometimes a site like this can be a gift in disguise and I hope you both continue to help each other through the loneliness of grief.
Please keep writing and sharing. X

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee and Angiejo2

Firstly so sorry about loss of your hubby …it sounds just lovely the friendship you have found through this site how wounderful to now share thoughts and photos via email…this site has been such a blessing and comfort to many…an outlet to those that understand in a world that feels it doesn’t at times.

Lee Lee…at the min I’m not in a position to get another fur companion…I’ve been in and out of hospital myself and it just wouldn’t be fair on the animal especially because I live alone …I do so miss Susie Hope…it’s her anniversary of when she passed suddenly at just 3 this Sunday 14th…I hate anniversaries! They get me anxious the build up to them…

How are you both doing ? I’m thinking of going for walk just to get out and some fresh ait but walking alone can feel so odd and uncomfortable…you don’t want to walk as far …I used to love going out walking Susie Hope especially this time of year with the autumn leaves ,colour changes then coming home to get cosy with Susie Hope…it does get so painfully lonely.

Hope you are both having a ok day at least …thank you for your replies x

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray, Angiejo2,

It’s comforting knowing that we can write to one another and support each other in a safe environment and I agree with you Tray, it’s lovely Angiejo2 that you have found a supportive friendship that has flourished and I too am sorry for the loss of your husband I really hope the pain is easing a little. X

Sorry to hear that your in and out of hospital, hope all is OK and its nothing serious and you make a full recovery.
Fingers crossed that you may be in the position to have a fur baby in the future, as we know their unconditional love is priceless.X

Anniversaries are tough, they never seem to end, but I’m still going to buy birthday/Christmas cards, clearly I can’t send them but they can sit on the table and that makes me feel better. I get the opportunity to write a personal message to them and tell them I love and miss them.x
I will think of you and Sussie Hope on the Sunday14th and put my thoughts out to the universe.

I often see loads of people walking on their own whilst I’m out with Obi, it’s not such a stigma as it once used to be.
I sometimes stop and talk with a lady who lost her dog before Lockdown, she still walks in the park but, hasn’t got another dog yet, equally I also find it comforting to see familiar faces when I’m out.
So please don’t feel uncomfortable or odd because it’s actually a really positive thing to do.
I also walk with Obi along the beach which I find very relaxing and energising and I see lots of people walking alone there too, it really is common.

I’m not doing too bad, I’m not pushing myself and I’m being kind to myself giving myself space which I never really did before and that is a definite positive for me.
Work is a good distraction and is also helping albeit, part time at the mo.

Take care of your selves and keep safe and speak soon.
Regards
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee and Angiejo2,

Hi both…hope you are bother having a better day at least.

Yes, this site is safe place to write down thoughts and feelings knowing that others understand about the pain of grief…those who are lucky enough to ( as yet -as grief will come to us all at some time in life ) of not experienced loss do say some insensitive things or very tackless …I’ve been on the receiving end of some awful things…and from reading other threads it seems it’s sadly common thing but it’s extremely hurtful…grief can make people uncomfortable and understand that but still some comments are mind blowing…sorry I’m rambling.

Christmas and birthdays , I do exactly the same thing …I still buy cards and little gifts even just so I feel them close and so they are remembered…mum loved snow globes and when she was alive I got her a new one every year and I’ve continued to do that after she passed so soon I will be googling snowglobes to see which one mum would like best this year…just typing that the grief hit me…how can mum be gone forever ?! And how putting up a tree the ornaments just feels so lonely and sad as me and mum used to love getting them out the box every year…it’s like that empty chair thing,…grief can just hit you and catch you unawares at times.

Fur baby …yes maybe one day and glad you said that about walking alone reassuring to read…I did go for just very short walk yesterday and will try today as do love this time of year and if I don’t do it I know come dec on wards I will really wish I had as otherwise it’s waiting a whole year again for autumn walks …maybe I could dust the camera off so when I walk feels bit less alone if that makes sense.

I’ve been in out hospital due to kidney issue hopefully bit more stable atm…but incredibly tired quickly.

Your beach walk sounds lovely…walking does seem to help a bit…sounds like you meet lot of friendly faces too.

Thank you for you kindness about Susie Hope anniversary.

Your work does sound like it gives you good distraction which is much needed with grief.

I’ve got brain fog come in to say hello again…drives me mad at times.

Hope you both ok and take care xx

[Tishy]

I am so sorry to hear of your awful and I mean awful grief.

I lost my brother, sister within a year 2 years ago my border collie who we had for 13 years last year.
Lost my darling husband 23rd August this year feel so much pain, anger , disjointed, cheated

We have 5 older children 2 still at home and watching them go through so much pain is just awful.

As a parent I am supposed to take away or assist with
Any pain or struggles they may have.

I have 2 sisters who are close and are trying so hard
to be there for me too

My work have been very supportive as well

I feel so alone , heartbroken, cry all the time, sleep is a no go . Eat loads of rubbish drink probs too much alcohol don’t know what else to do?

Weight piling on but couldn’t care less, Family urging me to get a dog however. Want to wait as unsure if
I am looking for someone to love and need me the now but what if I regret later down the line?

I am so sorry your friend and club are not supporting you at this time, please reach out to others who will
Support you.

Some people do not get grief unless they have experienced the pain a, confusion we all go through
Please take care

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

How’re you hope your well, I wanted to tell you that I’m thinking of you and Sussie and sending my thoughts. X

Yes I feel the same about my family, can’t quite believe that their not here, sometimes it feels surreal but, then reality hits pretty hard.

I’m going to get the decs out soon and put them up, I think for me keeping the routine is really helpful I think it would be too easy for me to say I don’t need to do that anymore because I actually don’t.
It’s so lovely that you and your mum put the decorations up together, it’s fun, comforting, and great family time. I understand missing that, do you feel your at this stage the you can celebrate Christmas comfortably or is it still very painful/raw?
For me this will be the second Christmas so not really sure how I will be but, I always liked decorating the house so I am looking forward to that.

Have you been out for a walk today, the leaves are dropping fast and furious around here?

I had a bitter sweet day today, I wrote to rowing club and told them how I felt and asked they cancel my membership. I’m sad because I love rowing but at the same time I’m proud that I spoke out, I’m expecting nothing from the club I haven’t asked for anything either but, at least I said how I feel and that in itself made me feel better.

Really hope your OK Tray, I know it’s a hard day today for you.
Take care
Lee lee

[Lee-lee]

Hi Tishy,

Thank you for reaching out, your in the right place, you’ll find a lot of help on this site, I’ve found it priceless both Tray and Angiejo2 have helped me immensely.
Simply reaching out and talking is the best or at least for me.

Yes it’s that horrible empty hollow feeling that you just can’t do anything about I find the hardest but, that is easing a little for me but, as Tray mentions above it can take a hold at any time, so when it does reach out as you’ve done here. I did the same and found Tray at a time when I really needed to hear from someone experiencing the same.

I am sorry for all your heartbreak too, It can be very difficult being strong for others when inside your falling apart but, all that your going through is normal, I’m just starting to emerge out the other side albeit a very, very bumpy road.

“I feel so alone , heartbroken, cry all the time, sleep is a no go . Eat loads of rubbish drink probs too much alcohol don’t know what else to do?”
Your absolutely not alone, It’s taking one day at a time and not pushing yourself, it’s being kind to yourself and recognizing that it’s a process, an awful process that sadly we go through and as we know it’s exceptionally painful at times.
Talking is the best or it is for me, so visit this site as often as you need to, to talk.
I also found, soaking in the bath listening to music I like helps, putting on a comedy or whatever films you enjoy, it’s taking a walk just to think and giving yourself space. It’s perhaps planning something with the kids perhaps cooking a meal together etc. It’s whatever it takes/works to make you feel better.
Also, don’t worry about your weight, who gives a damn, when your good and ready you’ll do something about it if you choose to.
I’m a good comfort eater so when I’m upset I eat, I always have and drank too much which I don’t regret and still do at times cos it helps when it’s needed.

It’s also talking to your husband, sister, brother and trusted dog, just because they aren’t here doesn’t mean you stop talking if you wanted to, I talk all the time, all the time.
How are the children, do they talk with you?
Communication is key it really is so I do hope they’re talking with you and sharing how they feel and talking amongst yourself can help.

It’s a baggage/range of emotions we go through I found myself almost convalescing/recuperating as it’s draining, emotional upset is draining and exhausting at times, so again be kind to yourself because as we know life experiences are beyond our control.

Your sisters sound great and can understand how you’re feeling with regards to your bother and other sister, do they visit you?

Hope your OK and take care
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you so much for thinking of me and my fur angel Susie Hope I really do appreciate your thoughts and kindness.

I didn’t go for walk today…I reflected on Susie Hope by making her a craft item to put on the wall or with her special sentimental items that I’ve kept of hers- her collar,best friend harness etc etc…I’m only complete beginner, I make it up as I go along ! But I did it just for theraptic value…it’s a embroidery hoop with her name embroidered and some paw prints and rainbow ribbon…I dedicate it to her and was quite relaxing to do…I’ve also had candles lit for her too…the night time it can hit a bit more but I also think nighttime- I’ve made it through another day…I find first thing in the mornings the worse…that moment when reality hits all over again…I’m lot better than what I was but it can still really hit…especially if feeling more stressed etc…

Christmas I was thinking same as you to soon get out the decorations as it does make a home look more homely and I love the magical look of the lights and the memories of certain baubles and decorations…years ago it was far too painful I couldn’t bare to look or see them at all ! Now I can…it hurts …it hurts alot but I can also find some comfort too…remember the good moments…I use to hate people saying that to me " think of the good times" it used to grate on me as I would think I want to make new memories not just rely on old ones a reminder that they are no longer here …I found thinking of the happy memories just too raw and painful…now I can think of them more…and I suppose such thoughts do show a change in my dealing with grief…I suppose it depends on the hour or day though as grief really can catch you unawares ! …I’m so glad you get happiness at the thought of getting out your decorations though as I know it’s difficult…I’m thinking what’s the earliest can put them up ?? I was thinking next weekend even though not Dec yet but it goes by so quickly ( or slowly again depending on the day and how feeling) do you have many sentimental decorations? …I have quite a few and even a 1st Christmas together with Susie Hope bauble 2016…anything musical gets me going though, those wind up musical Christmas boxes …I have few of those from mum and to mum…treasured items now.

May I say ,well done you for writing a letter to your rowing club ! That’s an incredible step to take…be proud of that …keeping such things bottled away can sit very uncomfortable and you end up just carrying around such heavy feelings so although I’m sure difficult and bitter sweet for you it must of made you feel maybe some relief and a bit lighter in mind for doing so ? I’m so sorry you got treated in the way you did though…but a positive thing you have done …hopefully you may get something back some acknowledgement but if not then so be it ,you have done amazing and what’s right for you…I think that alone is incredible.

Thank you again for thinking of me and Susie Hope today…kindness is magical

• I write replies on my phone so I can’t see how much I’ve written or read it back so apologies if it turns into something like War and Peace x

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

I’m just going out the door so a short note, I just wanted to say, get the decs out and enjoy putting them up, I will be next weekend or least getting them out of the loft and def up the following weekend if not next week.

Yes I’m glad I wrote to them, it did make me feel better because I felt I stood up for me.
Glad your OK Tray and yes agree the mornings are the worst for me too, I always have a cry in the mornings.

Take care and speak soon.
Lee lee

[Tishy]

Thank you for your understanding it is good to hear from someone who understands

I am overwhelmed at present

Xxxx

[Lee-lee]

Tishy,

Keep safe and well and speak again soon.
Keep talking. XX

Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee ,

Sounds like be getting decs out at similar time…

I’m a bit anxious as got dental surgery tomorrow and it’s lengthy procedure…I hate the build up…keep getting so so tired too…I spoke to my gp this morning though which was helpful, he was my mums gp too so he knows everything been through and how difficult and horrible it was…

Hope you are having a good start to the week …

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

Good luck for tomorrow dental surgery is never fun but, a necessity sadly otherwise it’s suffer the pain and there’s nothing worse than ongoing dental pain!!!

Yes work is now really helping, at first it was draining now, I’m starting to get back on my feet and is a welcome back to normality sort of thing so def good start to the week.

I’m going to stay with a friend this weekend, thought it will be nice to get away for a bit so looking forward to that but, when I’m back I’m up in the loft and getting the decks down, and putting them up during the week with a glass of wine or two.

Have you stocked up for anything you may need after the surgery, I’m thinking things like soups and/or soft foods like mashed potato, beans etc. in case you can’t eat?

Good luck Tray hope it goes well.X

Leelee