My family, 2 friends and my dog Jack have all gone.

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Yes just stocked up on few bits…it’s bone graph work etc quite long story but quite invasive work but gotta be done.

A weekend away sounds amazing! Be good for you to get a change of scenery and spend time with a friend…hopefully come back refreshed ready for decorations to commence…

I’m so pleased that work is going well for you too.

My brain can’t seem to concentrate on anything until tomorrow is out the way…it’s over 4 hour procedure…my mind keeps playing tricks on me , I think it’s the stress because keep thinking of painful memories of mum…I’m hoping it’s down to stress and doesn’t continue as strong as this…

Thank you for your wishes…very kind and appreciated

[Lee-lee]

Morning Tray,

Just wanted to drop you a quick message to see how’re you feeling today?
Hope the operation went well and your at home recovering.

Take care
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you so much for your message, that’s very kind and appreciated.

It went OK. I have some swelling and bruising pain but I feel some relief I’ve got that part out of the way.

Hope things are all well for you ?

Again ,thank you for your message.

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

How are you doing?

I thought of you last night when I got my decorations out of the loft, have you got yours up yet, actually are you even up to it, how’s the recovery, all well I hope?

It’s going to be a busy and long weekend for me, my mum and dads house looks like it will complete on Monday so a very sad day indeed.
I will be spending the next few days going through lots and lots of memories but, once done I think I will be really be able to move on and start healing.

Hope your well and the decorations are going up

Take care
Lee lee

[CBeeb93]

Just read your initial post and wanted to offer a hug (even if it’s only a virtual one).

I’ve also lost quite a few people in quick succession: Mum in 2017, Gran in 2020 and partner’s Dad later in 2020. I almost lost my dog last year, too, and it tipped me over the edge.

Your best friend sounds a lot like mine- we were best friends for 13 years, all through school etc. She never particularly liked my Mum and I couldn’t really blame her (my Mum was an alcoholic and would become abusive when she drank). However, when she died, I really needed my best friend to just be there for me. She invited me round to her house just the once, immediately after my Mum died and then I only really heard from her again once when she told me she was pregnant. I was over the moon for her, as she’d been trying for quite a while… I sent her a lovely card in the post and I was even the only person (outside of family) to give her and her husband a 1st anniversary present. I would get a singular text, for the first couple of years (just saying ‘thinking of you today’, on the anniversary of my Mum’s death and that was it; no invitation for a cup of tea or anything like it. I cut her off after all of that and, aside from a very awkward encounter by accident when out for the daily walk during lockdown, I’ve not heard from her since.
I’ve got no friends now (she was the last and only one I’d kept from school/university, as I’d never really fit in with anyone else). It’s a lonely old business when you’re trying to deal with so many losses on your own (I do have my partner, but he’s a ‘don’t talk about things you can’t change’ kind of person, so it’s still pretty lonely trying to navigate through this by myself.

You’re more than welcome to send me a direct message, if ever you feel like you want to talk to someone who’s had several losses in quick succession (or just for a general chat about everything and anything in life- sometimes, it’s good to talk about something that takes your mind off it all)

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you so much for thinking of me…I was going to send a message the other night about your weekend away but I lost this thread so until your message today I wasn’t able to.

I went to buy a tree last weekend- car broke down on the way there so didn’t make it…went buy tree yesterday but felt so sick and ended up at the drs again so twice now and still no tree…is it a sign ? Maybe that’s my negative thinking…I will re try weekend…sorry ,you have caught me at bit flat grief days …I did my volunteer work other day and when get home to empty house I hate it ! And the morning of waking up to empty house after being with people just alawys gets me with this horrible lonely morning feeling…when I had Susie Hope I didn’t have such lonliness…Christmas day I’m dreading.

I will put Dec’s up though although bungalow in state of where new carpet needs go down etc but again with health issues etc I’m struggling on my own.

Are yours up yet ? Out the loft is a great start .

It must be a very emotional time with your parents home near completion…all the paperwork etc and months and months of such stress…strange feeling…putting the decorations up will maybe help balance it out.

Sorry such flat reply…hope you had a lovely weekend away.

Xx

[Tray]

Hi CBeeb93,

Just wanted to say hello and acknowledge your post in the thread…sounds like all 3 of us have had such loss in short period of time…it’s very difficult.

Sorry such short post…I’ve got to get out to appointment.
X

[Lee-lee]

Hi CBeeb93,

Thank you for the virtual hug, received and accepted and sending one back
I’m also sorry for your loss’s and glad you’ve reached out, thank you.

Yes that’s one thing that Tray has said after reading many posts and on what others have also found and what I /we have found is that people can be exceptionally insensitive and even selfish.
It’s been a massive learning curve I feel like I’ve had a crash course in human nature, thankfully not everyone is like that but, when you encounter them it’s pretty hurtful.

I thought I’d be devastated but, I’m glad that I’ve spoken out and said how I feel, and actually I feel for the first time that I’ve really stood up for myself, really not prepared to accept that treatment from my friends. In fact it’s made me realize just how long I’d been putting up with it for!
Friends come and go in our lives, you will find other like minded people as will I, except this time I know what I’ll put with and what I won’t and I’ve definitely learned that I need to speak out more instead of being such an easy going person and putting up.
My wonderful therapist (which sadly is coming to an end) has said that there’s only 2 types of people givers and takers, sadly it would seem for the most part I’ve been surrounded by takers, and people will take if you let them, if you have a low resolve or just don’t like saying no, people will take advantage of that, it’s very sad but, that is what I have found but, I am talking about the takers, I have other friends that aren’t and I really appreciate them more now than ever, yes a steep learning curve.

Yes I would love to talk, thank you, it really does help.
I’m just taking Obi for a walk so have a lovely evening and take care.

Lee lee

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

Oh dear, no don’t give up try again when your up to it, it’s not a sign it’s just bad luck.
Stressful having the car break down at any time!!
Deep breath and try again, having the tree up will make you feel better, also, I find putting the TV on in the background and having the ambient noise takes the edge off, it may work for you or conversations on the radio.

I’m going to put the tree up in small doses, tonight I’m gonna put the lights up and tomorrow put the dec’s on it with a glass of wine of two.

Glad your OK, and healing from your Op, so it’s not surprising especially with the car breaking down too that your feeling a bit low, but, be kind to yourself and remember to write when your feeling low, it maybe you just need a little something to lift your spirit/cheer you up or even get some advice on a distraction technique because sometimes that also helps.

I was running out the door a while ago but, I must now.
Take care Tray and speak to you later.
Lee lee

[CBeeb93]

Hiya,

Hope you have a good walk

That is certainly very true and again very similar to my experience with being surrounded by a lot of takers in life. I started cutting them off one-by-one and definitely don’t regret it.
I now spend time with only the people who are givers- in that they give me joy to be around. It’s mostly my partner’s family and friends, which is lovely, but sometimes I wish I had ‘my own people’ if you see what I mean. I think I miss my Gran the most for that alone- she was wholly ‘my person’ who I could tell anything to and just completely be myself around.
It sounds so stupid, but I think I miss just being in the same room, doing our own thing like reading or doing a jigsaw, without feeling the need to even talk.
Sorry to hear you’re close to the end of your therapy sessions- it’s a good and bad thing, I suppose! Good in that they must feel you’ve made good progress, but bad in that it feels a bit like losing a friend/lifeline for the days you need them in future. I finished my therapy in summer and really quite miss my therapist on the bad days. We can be our own therapists now haha
Hope you have a relaxing evening I think a hot chocolate should be on the cards tonight x

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

I hope you enjoyed your walk. .

Yes, I have to have the TV on or podcasts when home as the silence can lead to more grief thoughts, the silence can be a reminder that loved ones are no longer here…it’s amazing how loud realise paws are ! Or just Susie Hope drinking from her bowel etc…I used to love the Auturm and winter walks outings with Susie Hope…there is a Christmas lights walk this weekend but I don’t have anyone that wants to go and can’t stand the thought of going alone ,as I remember it’s full of families…which is wounderful for them and I’m so glad they have it…but when you don’t it feels like a big gutting punch to the stomach…sorry I sound so bitter maybe at the min…I don’t mean any of it horrible or wrong way…only those in grief would understand…a friend ( not close) was moaning about visiting relatives and their mum over Christmas…I was understanding etc but in my mind I just thought, my mum and sis ,dad etc I vist a grave at Christmas…I did say treasure your moments with your mum…life is fragile and precious.

Putting your Dec’s up with a wine or two sounds lovely…I sometimes have a tipple of sherry …I did thinking about it buy some lights today when went for flu jab so that’s something I suppose.

Thank you again for your reply…very kind and appreciated

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Just quick post to say hope things all ok .

Tray x

[Maggie8]

I hope the talking has helped. You’ve been through so much. And I have to say you find who your real friends are at a time like this & you so need it . I’ve been feeling so down I told my so called friend I wish I was dead instead of my daughter no one would miss me . She said I would & as soon as u need me I’ll b there . It’s so difficult to get motivated to go out . When the the lovely company of my daughter not here . I asked my friend one thing to come with me to the hospice Xmas fare . I do all the driving & I treat us to lunch. As I used to go everywhere with my big sister who was 20yrs my senior. Never needed friends. Am youngest of 12 only 3 of us left. Friday rang my friend to ask what time I was picking her up . And flippantly she said can’t make it . I’ve been in bed since so hurt . Your not on your own . Sending love to you. xx

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

Thanks for asking.
Been a really tough couple of weeks, was really upset when mum & dads house went last Monday.
It felt final, it really is the end of an era, so very sad.
I took the week of work, too upset to focus and concentrate.
Hopefully things will start to improve slowly now that the house isn’t hanging around.
I’ve walked past it a few times but, it feels like the familiar soul of the house has gone and actually that helps, I think it would be even worse if when I walked past, that it still felt like home i.e. mum & dads house.
I still feel a bit out of sorts but, that will start to improve now.x

How’re you Tray, how’re you feeling?
Are you healed or are you still feeling delicate?
Did you manage to get the tree in the end after attempting a couple of times?

Take care Tray and speak to you soon.x
Lee lee

[Lee-lee]

Hi Maggie8,

I’m also sorry for your loss, losing a child must be exceptionally difficult!! Equally terribly difficult to be the youngest with only 3 of you left, that’s a tremendous amount of loss, yes it must be very difficult, I think I would be the same, you wouldn’t need a large network of friends when you have a large family and I believe families are closer provided there’s no sibling rivalry - my sister was a narcissist and sadly not very nice to me but, sisters can be the closest so I can imagine the hole that’s been left in addition to your daughter.x

Yes it’s very hurtful when a friend says one thing but behaves quite differently even shocking at the obvious insensitivity, I feel your pain and hurt, at times like that and I must say only just recently, I found soaking in the bath with music I like helps, being kind to myself and not blaming myself absolutely helps (I never really understood the saying “Be kind to yourself”) until the losses but, now it makes perfect sense.
I’d say do what ever it takes to help yourself feel better as grief is a funny animal, you can feel upbeat one day and picking yourself of off the floor the next.
Talking I find is the best for me and relaxing baths.

I’ve actually surprised myself of late, I’ve been doing a lot of things on my own that I would never have done before i.e. going to restaurants on my own, cinema - next week and clothes shopping that under normal circumstances I’d do with a friend so I’m secretly pleased with myself🙂.

If you feel you need to talk please do.XX
Take care
Lee lee

[Maggie8]

You’ve only started your journey on your own. Well done. Being the youngest I was well spoilt. My mam had 11kids first at 17 one every year except for me . 8yr gap thought she was going through the change. I grew up with 7 boys I was adored they took me everywhere. My father wasn’t a good man . Last 7yrs we lost so many. My eldest sister lost both her children within 6months . We pulled together. Lost Ronnie my hero. Then Michael the wonderful brother who taught me to drive. & watched out for me . Teresa died while having simple procedure done. Peggy died while we were planning Teresa’s funeral but had been praying to b with her children. I know how she feels now. My lovely sister who I spent most of my days with. Went in hospital for tests. Slipped banged her head bled out . I wanted to die . I need these people so much. So lonely dealing with this. & lying to people that am fine.!I used to b so brave & strong. Threw myself into travelling. Takes all my time Togo shopping Xmas which it had been & gone xx

[Lee-lee]

Hi Maggie8,

Your family sounds very special especially that you all pulled together when needed.
Are you equally as close to your remaining brothers and sisters, do you talk with them?
I think don’t lie to people talk to them, tell them how you feel, I did the same for a long time until I started talking but, what really surprised me more than anything when I did start talking is how much I’d been suffering by not letting things out, how much I’d held in especially with my friend and the rowing club.
You will be brave and strong again, it takes time to adjust and absorb what’s happened and let things settle, I don’t think there’s a time frame we all seem to be so different in how we deal with loss and grief.

Hope your feeling a little better and having a good rather than bad day.X
Take care
Lee lee

[Lee-lee]

Hi Tray,

How’re you doing, did you get tree in the end?
Hope your well.X

Take care
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Was just going to reply to you when your message came through.

Hope today has been good to you.

I sensed a relief in your previous message about your parents house…like you have been holding your breath and now can exhale a little easier…having said that though it’s such a emotional thing to go through not just the never ending paperwork but all the emotions it brings up…I’m so glad that part you have been able to put some closure on it now - do forgive if not quite wording I’d hate to be insensitive at all .

I got a small tree out and lights but it came to a holt as I ended up in hospital with kidney infection…was waiting in A& E for over 12 hours just to see the doctor ( my own gp sent me there as said I looked dreadful and needed more bloods etc that only hospital can do ) I was being sick so wasn’t able to keep medication down…I’m home now but feeling very tired…I’ve also been given a steroid inhaler that have to take am and pm…so few health things have been up in the air …sorry if I’ve already told you this ramble I can’t remember what said and haven’t…this was 2 weeks ago on Friday.

I am thinking of getting tree or just decorating the small one tommorrow or Friday…I think if I don’t do it soon I will think won’t be worth it…as I always take decorations down news year eve ( I’m not a new year eve or new year day fan ) gosh do I sound like moaning on hope not…sometimes atm it’s laugh or cry.

I managed to do the 2 hour volunteer work that I do this am but gosh I feel exhausted so quickly…have to really pace myself…I always find the loneliness can hit more the next day when been with people…I find that very uncomfortable…the silence becomes even more louder if that makes sense ? I’m the only one in volunteer group and few friends that is on their own and very little family…I hope I’m making sense I feel I’m rambling everything out so tired.

I read how you put about going to places by yourself…I think that’s amazing! I took myself to a show in September drove there by myself ,went into 2 pubs my myself ,watched the show then drove back ( got very lost though ! 2 hours turned into nearly 3 and half …but main thing is I did it! Was a very big thing for me to do that and somedays I think did I really do that by myself, so glad I did though.

Today ( so far ) has been a better grief day but tomorrow it could be another storm grief day where I feel I’m really struggling with it…I think more get near Christmas eve and day I will get more storms …guess I need to just keep adjusting the sails to it …or some saying like that ??.

I find baths a good way try to ’ Just be’ too…have to have music podcast on though …never silence…I can struggle with the self care thing though … I too now understand what means by being kind to yourself it’s so important but not always easy to do…my self esteem isn’t great at all…trying to work on it…I’m very much a work in progress.

Have a rambled too much ? Do say…I know I can really ramble.

Will leave it here for now.

Again, I hope you found some kindness and comfort in your day-s xx

[Maggie8]

Thanks for your concern. But I’ve lost my lovely 3sisters . Two within a week of each other & my sister my travelling companion four years ago the 17th of this month. Two brothers I have left one has Parkinson’s & the other would literally be broken if he knew how I felt. The army we all had around us for each loss has gone. Of all the amazing years I had as a child. Didn’t think I’d pay for it like this. Miss them all so much . Xx