My family, 2 friends and my dog Jack have all gone.

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

How’re you doing?

@Tray

…I think more get near Christmas eve and day I will get more storms …guess I need to just keep adjusting the sails to it …or some saying like that ??.

I like that quote, Adjusting the sails to it, actually when you think it about I’d say that there probably isn’t any better description, yes constant flux.

What’s your plans for Christmas Tray, do you have any distant relatives or friends you’ll spend time with or perhaps some more volunteer work?
Hate the thought of you being on your own!
I am lucky I do have other friends that I can see, Christmas day I’m going to the cemetery, it won’t be open but, I spoke with them today, they said they will take the flowers in when I leave them at the gate, as someone does live on site even though it’s closed he will come out and collect the flowers and they’ll put them in the remembrance gardens for me. She said they will call me on the 27th when their open and confirm the same.
It’s something I feel I need to do especially as this is the first year.

I’m going to brave the shops tomorrow and do a little Christmas shopping, going to go early and hoping to beat all the rush, have no idea what to buy but, hopefully I’ll find some things.

Going to Obi for walk now, take care and speak to you soon. X
Lee lee

[Lee-lee]

Hi Maggie8,

Your remaining brothers sound lovely, and good to have someone even if you don’t feel you can share how you feel with them.
Yes sadly it’s the only thing we can all be guaranteed of is that we will all die one day, a very sad fact.
Just exceptionally hard when it all comes al once, the grief, from my perspective is debilitating and has been for some time, just starting to emerge from the other end and even then it’s a bumpy rd.
I imagine your going through similar experiences although we’re all different in how we experience grief and how we deal with it.
I’ve found it be more like a complete full stop, convalescing, recuperating is how I’ve felt this past year and half the grief has been debilitating.
Yes it’s time, just time and talking.
Hope your feeling a little better.X

Regards
Lee lee

[Maggie8]

Thanks Lee but this is an awful month my mother’s anniversary has just passed my sisters is this weekend. I wish I could go asleep till after this holiday or not at all. I do best I can to make it a good day. Then it turns into a bad one just before bed . That’s the time my husband decides to message me . We’re in the middle of divorce & him & his solicitor dragging it out . Have I not gone through enough xx

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Hope you managed to brave the shops today and you had a nice walk with Obi .

It’s been one of those days for me today…( or 2 ) my own car went wrong Friday so was given a courtesy car by garage man, I explained desperately needed car for today as had important hospital appointment for CT IV scan of my kidneys …kindly he sorted me one…but today when went to use it wouldn’t start…neighbours did help and it went…got to garage wouldn’t start again…but did manage to get to hospital and get that out way…just feels like one them days where things keep going wrong…I didn’t realise how high my stress levels were though until today as I burst into tears at the garage as I only had very fine time frame in order to get to hospital…know on scale of things in life It’s absolutely nothing! Hope don’t sound like moaning on as I’d hate that.

Sorry my grammar etc being even more over the place as I’m feeling very tired.

Christmas I will be alone…usually always spent with mum and others but sadly they have all died so just me …I did try find if somewhere where I could volunteer on the day even for few hours but can’t find anything and I’m bit unsure how I will be…I am in a group thing of people friends from all over the world that help animal charities etc so they will send wishes I’m guessing but wish wasn’t alone…I did manage to put the tree and decorations up yesterday…again did it virtually with friend who in Holland …it was her idea…I’d share pics but don’t know if can here ??.

Like you I take mum ,my sis,nan,dad and very good friends a little up tree for Christmas I usually go car eve so will do that…Christmas just feels quite weird this year…it’s nice that you will be taking flowers too ( nice not right word) .

Hope this very tired ramble makes sense …

Take care ,speak soon xx

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

How’re you and how’s things going?

I’ve been away to Scotland for a break, needed to get away from the house for a bit so stayed with a friend in Scotland, near Edinburgh. I drove, it was a really long drive, I also factored in a couple of stops for my dog Obi so glad when we got there.
Really enjoyed the break also, got to see my one and only aunt which was really nice, she lives in Cumbria so was on the way home.

Yes I will be going to drop flowers at the cemetery Christmas morning and stopping at a friends for Christmas afternoon and dinner, looking forward to not cooking to be honest.

Wanted to say have a lovely Christmas Tray, or as best you can or anyway that you want to

Obi and I

Blockquote

wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year,

Blockquote

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you for thinking of me…that’s so kind and appreciated.

It sounds like you had a lovely and much needed break away to Scotland…it sounds just wounderful to be able to get away…I find driving very theraptic ( although bit of worried car story but longer story ).

I’m struggling…I’m finding it painfully lonely…friends have been saying about meeting up getting together with their parents and larger family and I don’t have that…it just really bites…I’m so happy for them but cannot lie , it hurts my heart as I don’t have anything like it.

First time in a long time I went to sleep crying and woke up crying…I will take mum’s tree to grave tomorrow as always do and other graves…

I thought friend in village might ask me to hers for hour but no , maybe I’m hoping for too much ?? She is having her 2 daughters around Christmas…just some company would of been so nice. She knows I feel lonely.

Sorry , I’m so depressing at min…Sorry.

Again thank you so much and big hugs to Obi …xx

[Lee-lee]

Morning Tray,

I’m working at the moment so just a quick message as have a couple of tasks needing to finish.
Do you go to mid-night mass or any of the services Christmas day?
I’m going to go to one this evening, I’ll be along but, I don’t mind that but, love he Christmas Carol singing, god help anyone near me, ha, ha.

Yes it is very lonely when your missing the lively, loving family that once was, I know, routines really help, they have with me, Christmas tree and decs etc. but focus on the fun things you did together and do them, no matter how small, still enjoy them and celebrate like there still there, that’s what I’m going to do because in my mind they’d be doing whatever it is I was doing with me if that makes sense.

I’ll write again soon and tell you about the escapades with midnight mass.
Take care
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you for thinking of me…I took trees for mum etc today they have delicate lights on…mum would love that.

All Christmas things have been cancelled in village due to Covid…I did reach out and tell some in village though that gonna be alone and feeling lonely this Christmas…suppose I secretly hoped they might invite me round even for 10mins …but maybe I was hoping for too much ??? I just base it on what I would do for others…if I knew someone ( friend - or neighbour) in village was going to alone and lonely Christmas day I would of invited them around but that’s just me maybe.

Sorry, I feel very flat…I never wanna be a burden etc to anyone…

I hope you had have lovely Christmas and Carol singing…sounds lovely.

Love to Obi too .

Again thank you for your kind message.

Tray.

[Maggie8]

Hi Lee I grew up with the boys of the family. Wasn’t afraid. I was a mental health support worker. Drove for miles . Did a lot of stuff on my own. Holidays abroad. Quad biking. Very daring. Since losing Laura . Am afraid lost that confidence. So you keep it up . & enjoy. Used to love going cinema or theatre. Maybe in time. Have good time when you feel you can . Love to you xx

[Lee-lee]

Hey Maggie, Tray,

How’re you both doing?
Well we’ve managed to survive Christmas and the New Year!
Time passed very quickly for me so am really pleased about that, I hope you both found the same or some solace over the Christmas period, X

I had a terrible scare recently.
Obi heard some fireworks in the park on Thursday just as we were leaving, he bolted and I couldn’t find him, I didn’t even see which way he went he was that quick.
I enlisted the help of fellow dog walkers whom were absolutely brilliant and were on their way to help find Obi when I sent the message out, it was brilliant I felt really supported because I was starting to panic a bit at that stage as it was obvious Obi wasn’t about.
People in the park were also helping to find Obi, it’s funny but, when things go wrong it seems they go spectacularly wrong, by that I mean although Obi is chipped he’s lost his tag of off his collar so my contact details weren’t there and just as I was about to put a call out for help I realised that I had 1% battery left so I needed to go back to the car to put it on a fast charge (thank god I have that) I then sent a WhatApp message to the dog walkers group that I’m apart of, they reacted immediately. X
Just as I sent the message other dog walkers in the park were shouting that a man had Obi, I was so upset at this stage as it’s so unlike Obi to bolt and he was no were to be found, seemingly the chap said Obi was just walking in the road on the other side of the park, he lived in the next street so took Obi to his house and came back to find the owner!!!
I’m so glad that he found him I just don’t think I would have coped if Obi had been hit by a car, I could already feel the tears starting to well when the shout that someone had Obi came.
Absolute relief is all I can say.

last night was also a nightmare for Obi, I swear that here there were more fireworks than on fireworks night. They were so loud, families here were celebrating with displays which under normal circumstances I would love but, Obi is terrified and it wasn’t until 04:00 that he started to calm down, it’s a shame but he was starting to calm down at 02:00 but, he could clearly still here them in the distance.
He’s not been this bad before so he’s had a couple of tough days poor little fella,

Just wanted to say that I hope 2022 will be better for us all and I hope that everything begins to improve.

@Maggie, awful that your also going through a divorce on top of everything else, I hope they don’t draw it out much longer as it has such an impact on your life. Putting my thoughts out to the universe for you. X

@Tray, wanted to ask if your health has improved with the Teeth albeit a little while ago but, was a big operation and Kidneys, have they all healed now?

Take care
Lee lee

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray, Maggie,

Tray, I copied this message as I realised afterwards that as I replied to Maggie you wouldn’t receive it

How’re you both doing?
Well we’ve managed to survive Christmas and the New Year!
Time passed very quickly for me so am really pleased about that, I hope you both found the same or some solace over the Christmas period, X

I had a terrible scare recently.
Obi heard some fireworks in the park on Thursday just as we were leaving, he bolted and I couldn’t find him, I didn’t even see which way he went he was that quick.
I enlisted the help of fellow dog walkers whom were absolutely brilliant and were on their way to help find Obi when I sent the message out, it was brilliant I felt really supported because I was starting to panic a bit at that stage as it was obvious Obi wasn’t about.
People in the park were also helping to find Obi, it’s funny but, when things go wrong it seems they go spectacularly wrong, by that I mean although Obi is chipped he’s lost his tag of off his collar so my contact details weren’t there and just as I was about to put a call out for help I realised that I had 1% battery left so I needed to go back to the car to put it on a fast charge (thank god I have that) I then sent a WhatApp message to the dog walkers group that I’m apart of, they reacted immediately. X
Just as I sent the message other dog walkers in the park were shouting that a man had Obi, I was so upset at this stage as it’s so unlike Obi to bolt and he was no were to be found, seemingly the chap said Obi was just walking in the road on the other side of the park, he lived in the next street so took Obi to his house and came back to find the owner!!!
I’m so glad that he found him I just don’t think I would have coped if Obi had been hit by a car, I could already feel the tears starting to well when the shout that someone had Obi came.
Absolute relief is all I can say.

last night was also a nightmare for Obi, I swear that here there were more fireworks than on fireworks night. They were so loud, families here were celebrating with displays which under normal circumstances I would love but, Obi is terrified and it wasn’t until 04:00 that he started to calm down, it’s a shame but he was starting to calm down at 02:00 but, he could clearly still here them in the distance.
He’s not been this bad before so he’s had a couple of tough days poor little fella,

Just wanted to say that I hope 2022 will be better for us all and I hope that everything begins to improve.

@Maggie, awful that your also going through a divorce on top of everything else, I hope they don’t draw it out much longer as it has such an impact on your life. Putting my thoughts out to the universe for you. X

@Tray, wanted to ask if your health has improved with the Teeth albeit a little while ago but, was a big operation and Kidneys, have they all healed now?

Take care
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Oh my gosh !!! How scary that must of been for you losing Obi …my heart was with you as I was reading it …the relief must of been overwhelming for you…such a great thing to have a WA dog group though , how supportive and lovely.

It brought back memories of when Susie Hope got free from garden due to noise scaring her( it was seconds)…I was in absolute bits…my life and world was flashing before my eyes…where I live backs onto big open field and I couldn’t see her…ran down knocking on all neighbours door and she had gone to the end house at back of their garden…phew !!! The relief !!! I burst into tears…I’m welling up writing about it now…so I really feel for you and Obi …that relief is indescribable! How old is Obi ? They are your world aren’t they.

How are you feeling now?.

Kidney is on going but behaving at the min…jaw teeth operation is also ongoing 2nd part surgery is next week completed in February…since infection after infection with kidney etc I’ve had this awful tiredness and just feeling quite run down…someone said its because of over a decade of such loss and intense 1 to 1 nursing I’ve done with zero holidays or break…I’d love that a break from these 4 walls…I’ve not had one in 14 years plus now…shouldn’t moan though.

Sorry, I just feel I’m waffling a bit…feeling very tired but wanted to acknowledge your message.

Thank you so much for your message, so kind and thoughtful of you and very appreciated.

Give Obi some extra fuss from me , how is he doing now ?..I’m still feeling the relief for you .

Happy New Year to you too …hope it’s full of beautiful moments .

Tray x

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

Yes it’s awful isn’t, the minute reality hits and you realise that they’ve gone, it’s the worst feeling, a subdued panic is probably the best way to describe it I think.
Feeling a lot better now but, my god it makes you really appreciate them even more and the renewed sense of how precious life is, that it can be taken away in an instant is a reality check for sure.

Obi is 5 years old he’s a little Cairn Terrier, well actually not little we both need to go a lockdown diet and get a healthy campaign going, it all went our the window these past 2 years as it felt more like convalescing.

Yes the Kidneys will make you feel tired and run down, well it certainly won’t help you feel buoyant, glad they’re being looked at, hopefully that will be resolved. One of my friends has on going problems with her kidneys and like you she had infection after infection, in the end she had an operation which helped resolve it but, she still has an infection every now and again so not fully healed but, 90% better than she was.

Are you on email Tray?

Take care and speak to you soon
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you for your reply, time and kindness…means a lot to me.Thank you.

Obi is 5 …that’s a nice age …puppy stage and teenage years can be trying, bless them …he sounds just perfect and I’m sure spoiled over Christmas…Subdued panic ! Yes that’s an excellent way to describe it…and the relief ! Gosh no feeling like that either !.

Kidney seems to be behaving atm but end of 2020 and throughout 2021 had it’s moments Christmas day 2020 I was in hospital had ambulance Christmas day…around 3 weeks ago I had a IV scan to see in more detail what’s going on , hopefully OK…sounds like your friend has gone through it a bit too I hope the surgery she had continues to make things ok .

Yes, I have email…I could send a DM here with it ??.

Do you have any NY resolutions or plans this year ? I don’t make NY resolutions as I’ve come to believe if want to change or start - stop something do it now or the next day, don’t need a NY to do that.

I will leave it here for now as you might too prefer via email.

Take care x

[Lee-lee]

Hi Tray,

Yes please send the email, what’s DM? - Sorry for being a bit silly I’m sure it’s obvious and I’ll say “Oh yes” when you say what it is!

Glad everything is on the mend, albeit more still to come.

I did make a new years resolution and that was to get healthy again, I’ve had virtually no exercise and haven’t observed a healthy diet these past 2 years, everything went out the window as it was more like surviving - convalescing with no real routines, healthy cooking or exercise, well actually I did still take the dogs out Jack and Obi, think I missed 1 day in 30 years of not walking my dogs during the past 2 years grief.
I’m going to join the gym, learn to play Tennis and use the wonderful courts that we have in the parks. I’m sure I’ll find someone to partner with at the Tennis courts in the gym, mind they too will need to be a beginner as I’m sure an experienced player would be bored stiff!

Yes want to get Obi and I healthy again, get those good, feel good mentally endorphins moving plus we both need to lose a little weight and build ourselves back up.

How was your Christmas Tray?
That’s really brave of you to be open and honest with people that your going to be along Christmas, I say that because I found that people aren’t all caring in fact people can be very selfish even if they don’t mean to be and can be wrapped up in their own world plus there’s also the reason that some people can’t handle emotions, they can’t seem to take them on especially if they have not experienced intense grief themselves. Also, I think how close you’re to those people, if your familiar to them then they’re more likely to invite you if they know your on your own.
Yes I agree not all people are the same emotionally or with empathy and understanding , that all sounds very grey but, there’re those out there that will help that will respond sadly it just wasn’t the people you spoke to because I’m sure Tray there’re tons of people our there that would love to have had your company. X

It’s a shame because I’m sure you and I could have kept excellent company but, I’ve been in my own hell hole these past few months well the past couple of years actually,

So yes getting healthy is what I will be concentrating on and looking after myself which I have sorely neglected because as you know when you in the thick of grieving cooking, cleaning and self care all seem to go out the window - it just isn’t important or at least at the time that is what it feels like.

Speak to you soon, take care
Lee lee

[Tray]

Hi Lee Lee,

Thank you so much for your lovely and kind, caring reply.

DM = direct message. I’m not sure if can DM my email for you here ?? As I’d be more than happy for you to have it.

I feel proud of you for how much you are doing and plan to do this 2022 and beyond …it’s inspiring, I hope you are proud of yourself too , I don’t mean that in any patronising way of course !!! Just I think it’s amazing ! …when been in such a difficult place with grief is so hard to get going and back on your feet , baby steps become bigger steps and you are doing incredible.

You do sound a little lighter from your first message…really is inspiring.

My Christmas about sums it up…a lot of it was spent feeling so so lonely and so many tears…it has been a long time since I went to bed crying but over Christmas I did…I just felt such intense grief and lonliness. I also felt a bit let down - disappointed by few people I suppose…a friend ( who knows all losses etc ) I expressed that I was feeling so lonely and finding things difficult but I didn’t really hear much from her apart from her telling me how wounderful and great joy her Christmas was …I thought maybe I might get bit of ?? I base it on what I would do for someone how I would treat them and I would of 8nvited her round over Christmas, made her a Christmas dinner or something.

It moved me when you put you thought it was brave of me to be open and honest as I did feel I made myself a bit vulnerable by opening up even more .

I’ve had the dental surgery today so I’m feeling incredibly tired so I will have to leave it here for now.

I hope today has been a good day for you and Obi …keep pushing on ,you are doing amazing!!!.

Thank you for your kindness x

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

How’re you doing?
Was the surgery a success, and how are you feeling is it much better?

“I base it on what I would do for someone how I would treat them and I would of 8nvited her round over Christmas, made her a Christmas dinner or something.”
Yagh I agree with you, I would have felt let down too, people never stop amazing me both in how wonderful and how awful they can be especially as she knows about your personal world and what you’ve been through.
It sounds like although she was listening it doesn’t sound like she was, especially if she’s relaying what a wonderful time she had, it does sound as if it went right over her head.
I find that when you point things out to people, it really does/can surprise them, I think people go off in their own little worlds sometimes and don’t pick up on what it is your actually saying to them. Yes sadly, I have experienced that too

Don’t know if it’s just the time of year but, been really struggling with getting myself motivated. I’ve got loads of things I want to do and I’m slowly doing them but, I guess it’s impatience - the body is willing but, the mind is saying no or slow down.
I suppose it’s a case of there’s things we’d all like to do when we think of them but, it’s one step at a time.
Not sure if I’m making excuses for myself here, or just trying to fathom why I can’t seem to kick myself into gear.

Yes, how do people share email address’s without sharing with everyone, did there used to be DM that could be used once upon a time?

Speak to you soon
Lee lee

[Lee-lee]

Hey Tray,

How’re you?
I have emailed but, not heard from you for a while, hope all is well.

Take care
Lee lee