My feeling of loss getting worse

It’s been 6 months now since I lost my wife after 46 years of perfect marriage and my loss seems to be getting worse not easier to the point I feel I don’t want to live without her anymore and when I go to bed hope I don’t wake in the morning.Does everyone go through this I ask myself , I know there are stages of grieving but this is torture and I just can’t see a future as we did absolutely everything together and lived entirely for each other.:cry:

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Hello Bri and sorry you feel like this… I also do. My husband died 4 months ago. In the last month I have noticed my suicidal thoughts reduced and I “achieved” some things like starting back at work, arranging a repair on the house, enjoying some hours and living on my own for a few months. Things that seemed impossible to me in the first 8 weeks so I can see progress but I am asking myself why am I bothering to struggle hour by hour through this torture.

Today I am having one of those days where I think recent weeks I have been kidding myself that there is anything at all left to aim for because what is the point without him. I keep trying to keep fighting and get up, go for a walk, phone the dr, feed the cats. Do things that I am supposed to but I am feeling in the background and sometimes the foreground a kaleidoscope of horror constantly that is something my tolerance can sometimes cope with and sometimes can’t and then I can see no solution but wishing for my own death. So I don’t know how to argue with you because I feel the same, I don’t know if that is any comfort or if it makes you feel worse but I hope somehow we find some meaning again but it seems highly unlikely to me too I agree…

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Hi to you both. Bri and Fleur
I really do feel for you in your anguish but I am hoping that I can encourage you to hang in there and dig deep for every ounce of strength.
I am just over two years on this awful journey but can say that after going through so many emotions I am now starting to see a light. I can smile and even laugh again. The rawness is leaving me and although I think about Brian every day I can now talk about him without breaking down. I talk of him with pride as I am so proud of him. I can negotiate my life around my grief and find enjoyment in the things I do. It can still be an emotional roller coaster but I don’t fear the tears anymore as he is worth every one and to be honest I don’t want to forget him. I am beginning to realise that the 30 years we was married was a blessing and I was lucky to have had him.
Will our hearts every mend? who knows, but we can teach ourselves to live with the pain and find a life.
God bless

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Thank you Fleur for your response and I am sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through as I know all too well. I only hope things get easier for us and we can find some kind of peace in time… stay strong and know others care how you feel. :two_hearts:

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Thank you also Pattidot for your lovely reply. It is heartwarming to know someone else went through the same grief journey and managed slowly to find themselves again. I can only hope and pray for everyone that feels like me to find some kind of peace.Hope you continue to get stronger each day …God bless :two_hearts:

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Hello @Bri. As you will see from earlier replies to your post what you are feeling is entirely normal. We have all been through the same feelings and think we are the only ones that feel like this. Grief will come in waves, and just as you think you are beginning to cope it hits you all over again. It will get easier, but for now it is completely normal so don’t hold back those tears. They will help to heal you.
Love and light.x

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Thank you so much for your kind words of support , it means so much right now. :two_hearts:

Hi Bri. So sorry for the loss of your wife. I can only add what other posters have said. It is 2 years and a half years for me now.It seems to have passed in a blur but I realise now on looking back at my journal that things have definitely improved. It is a different life and I miss my Ron like hell but the edges are less raw. Sometimes I hear a song or visit a place that reminds me of my husband and then the pain swears and the hole in my heart opens up but at least I am functioning. Like you I just wanted to die and even wished I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I have no fear of death anymore. In fact I have no fear of anything. I have learned to live alone and do not need to ensure that every moment of my day is busy. I take everything as it comes. I never thought I could move forward and in some ways I can’t but the sheer raw pain is diminishing a little now. Please believe me that you will feel better in time. Never the same but better.

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Thank you so much for sharing your journey through your sad loss. I am glad you are now coming to terms with life and hope someday I will get to that stage so I can be free of this intense pain and feeling of emptiness. Hope you continue to feel better in your future. Take care. :two_hearts:

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HI Bri. I don’t think anyone knows the intensity of grief til it happens. I really thought I would never move forward even the slightest bit and you don’t see it happening. It just does. I used to imagine what it would be like without my Ron but when it happened it was like a brick wall had built itself in front of me. It was something that happened to other people but not me. But of course your life can change in the blink of an eye. This site has helped me so much during lockdown especially. I hope it helps you too.

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thank you Bri i thought i was going mad because after 8 months it seems to be getting worse. you have made me feel a lot better,
best wishes for the future we are obviously on the same terrible journey together, Pat

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Just remember … what I’ve come to realize that by reading everyone else’s sad experience that we are not alone and many many people are on the same sad journey but at different stages and I have come to realize it takes as long as it takes… there is no time limit and if we get worse then surely one day things will start to get slightly better and we can find a little peace. Take care and stay strong. :two_hearts:

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hi bri i was with my partner for over 30 years we were always together its been 5 weeks since his passing it was sudden i never saw it coming i hate the nightime and first thing in the morning i feel theres nothing for me anymore my life is over friends and family have been around me but its not the same i just want my partner back

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Sorry for your loss I know how hard it is for you Denise the pain is just horrible and you just want things to go back to how they were. Last week I joined this group for the same reason and needed to know how I myself could cope and it’s given me great comfort just knowing I’m not alone and everyone on here is going through exactly the same sad journey that we are. We all have to take just one day at a time but it is very early stages for you and I know it’s hard and like torture just waking every day and wondering how you will get through on your own … it still is for me and each day comes and goes with much pain and the deepest sadness so I can only offer you the same as I’ve been told that it will eventually in time get less painfull and a little bit more bearable so we come to be able to cope with life again. I’m holding out for that time to come and I hope you will as hard and painfull as it is . Just keep remembering that all the people on here are just like us on the same sad journey and if you need to know anything or feel you just need to talk about your sadness this is the place. I hope these words have helped you and brought you a little comfort as we all need it right now . Try to stay strong ( I know it’s hard ) take care . :two_hearts:

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thankyou for giving me hope im still in shock we would have been together 33 years in may . the home feels so cold without him its never going to be the same again just wish this was just a dream but i know its not x

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I know it’s very hard living without them in the home but what I’ve done is put a large photograph on top of a cusion and spread her dressing gown out with her favorite sock’s in her seat where she always sat so that I feel she is still there . I talk to her all the time even tell her I won’t be long when I go shopping and let her know when I’m back and what I’ve bought and even talk about what’s on tv . I also cry with her when I tell her how much I miss her and how hard it is on my own , I thought I was going mad for awhile when I first did this but I needed to feel she was still with me and it gives me real comfort. I know it’s not for everyone but it definitely helps me and that’s what matters and you have to do whatever you feel … anything to ease the pain and loneliness. Take care. :two_hearts:

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Hello @Bri. That seems to be a brilliant idea with your wife’s dressing gown and if it works for you then that is wonderful. Anything that makes us feel closer to our loved ones has to be a good thing and we all deal with it differently.
I personally talk to Mike hoping he is still around me somewhere. Sometimes our imagination is the best way to get us out of this awful place we find ourselves in. Take comfort wherever you can Bri.
Love and Light…x

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i had my partner cremated because we always put things in to plans he always said to me if i die before you . do what ever you want buried or cremated as long as you are happy i had his ashes back nearly 2 weeks ago i feel his presence around me i long to be with him but we have a son so i got to carry on and look after our son xx

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I too feel like this…14 months on and life without my lovely husband who died so suddenly aged 63, seems to have no purpose. I am back at work but my heart isn’t in it…lockdown has made things so.much worse as you cannot be with friends and family, or plan to do anything nice. I’ll never again do.those simple things that you only feel that level.of comfort with your partner. We were together for 40nyears, met when I was 17 so we grew up together. I hate having to ask for help with the house maintenance, my husband was a builder and took care of all that. I get overwhelmed by the simplest thing and like you, I just want it all to end. I never ever expected to be in.this situation at my age…I would not wish this on anyone. My heart goes out to you all. X

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I also have my wife’s ashes in a lovely chrome teardrop urn which is also in her seat covered by her dressing gown to keep her warm, my intention is to be in there with her when I’ve gone .That day I know I will be reunited with her and finally at peace but untill then like you … we all have to struggle on the best we can . I know I keep saying the same to everyone but try stay strong. :two_hearts:

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