I used to love Sunday and hate them now, it was the day we always went out walking or shopping, garden centre, bird watching or
a book shop and a coffee.
Never had a sunday dinner in 28 years unless it was Christmas, Geoff said it was a waste of a day in his opinion. Even going for a walk not same now, we used to talk constantly or would
be looking and listening for birds.
So lonely today xxx
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I know what you mean. I got dragged out early this morning for a walk with my niece (bless her for trying to help me)& her wee 2 year old & it should have been joyful. It was flat & I wanted to be back home almost as soon as i left.
I would have had my toast & tea in bed, then Vince would have nagged me to get up & we would have been off a run somewhere, roof down, music up full. What a buzz that gave us, i cant describe how much I miss him. I pointed out a buzzard circling & cried cos he would have spotted it before me. I saw many older ladies out walking together & thought I don’t want to be in that club. I saw couples together around our age & felt angry. Angry he’s not here walking with me, talking about everything and talking about nothing. I still feel the same, I just don’t want to be here without my love, why do i wake up every morning. Back in bed again, can’t sit in garden or living room, too painful.
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Don’t you feel like screaming at people you pass? How can things be normal. How can we carry on as ‘normal’
This is hell on earth
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Yes Maigret 100% agree with you, found myself shouting at my dog this morning not her fault just me hurting, now feel guilty as well, Pat
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Know exactly what you mean about other couples, I am so envious when I see them, even just through the window or if I hear them on their back gardens.
Just want to shout and scream its not fair, worked so hard all our lives to have a lovely happy retirement and its wiped out on a moment.
Doing the same things with other people is just not the same, and I know they’re doing their best to help, but they don’t understand.
A neighbour asked how I was the other day and I said what was expected ‘not bad thanks’
I wanted to say, ‘This is sh*t and I feel rubbish.’
I sound ungrateful and actually think I would probably have been just like them and had no comprehension of how bad this could be.
Its impossible to get unless its happening to you.
I’m so grateful to be able to speak to people on here, where we can say exactly how we feel and know that we don’t have to explain ourselves. Xxxxxx
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Good for you, wishing could be like that!
Jacky x
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I feel your heart ache I am just so sad for my man he tried so hard to come home six days on the CPAP mask fighting to breath I’m haunted by this and it really upsets me.
We too were retiring next year down sizing and going to live the dream together as all four children are now settled with partner’s.
Children came first just kept putting off getting married so that was booked for 18th June this year I have a dress and a wardrobe of wedding things I am broken by it all.
Life is so cruel so very cruel and the misery we have to endure is heart breaking,
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Geoff was the same fought for 10 days and had even been told he would be moved from HDU onto a normal covid ward and then the covid came back with a vengeance and in a few hours he was gone.
Even in hospital he was thinking about me. Three days before he died he had flowers sent to me telling me he couldn’t wait to be back home and that he had always loved me. 
He said that when he got out of hospital we were going to get married, only took 28 years!
Not that marriage would have made any difference, we couldn’t have loved each other more than we did.
Breaks my heart. 
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Please tell your wee furry pal you are sorry! I lost patience with a 2 yeaR old who was just acting up - so unlike me. Wee love was just tired, like her mam said. I’m just not normal, I know
every bike that passed when we were on our walk today was like a knife in my heart too. I know I can’t even get my bikes out the garage without my vince, I’ll never go another run on my 2 wheeled therapy. We used to hold hands riding alongside one another, just to show off. We had amazing fun & adventures behind us & many many more ahead of us.
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I’m so sad to read your messages.
Life is a bitch.
Somehow we have to get through this misery together.
I’m grateful for this site as we feel one another’s pain x
Xx
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Well said paula71, i had a melt down after filling in widower and 1 person living here on the census form, xx
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Me too it broke my heart
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Knightley
I lost my mum on 4th February, only a few weeks ago, and it has broken my heart. She was everything to me, when I lost my dad 25 year ago, me and mum had each other, I have no one now, and nothing to live for. Mother’s day was extremely hard as I have no partner or children I am alone. Some friends have been supportive, but I just want to be with mum and dad now. X
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It’s nearly 10 months for me. We have no children and all our close friends are dead as we were the youngest.
In February we’d have been together 60 years and the pain is worsening as the months go by.
I struggle to leave the house, just to put out the bins, can’t bear to be in my husband’s masterpiece of a garden, now so sadly neglected.
He could do anything and to a very high standard. I was loved and cherished and my only task was to take care of the paperwork.
The empty, endless, formless, silent days make me feel as though I am losing my reason. I am acting a part the whole time, just to get through each day but especially when someone drops off my shopping or comes to do a job. It’s the same when a friend rings. It’s only for a couple of minutes but she thinks she has done her duty. I’m grateful but have nothing to say, just have to keep up the pretence. It’s exhausting.
I don’t know why I am still here, failing sight, physically weak, emotionally drained.
We have a big house and land, all of which is too much for me to manage but how can I leave the home my dear one made for me? His loving hand is in every part of it as he was accomplished enough not to need architects or builders or gardeners.
If things needed repair, it wasn’t my concern. Now I’m weary of every decision being mine alone. People are willing to express an opinion but one of these days I shall explode if I hear the words, “…but it’s your decision.” One more time.
EVERYTHING is my decision, whether to put the kettle on, cook a meal or make a sandwich, go to bed, change the energy supplier, get a new doormat.
My world, my existence seems unreal. My hand was in David’s for nearly 60 years.
How do I carry on and if that’s not possible, how do I end it? No-one will miss me. No-one’s life will be changed one iota when I’m gone, except for the better where my beneficiaries are concerned.
I can’t bear the Spring, the season my husband and I loved the best. I can’t bear to turn the calendar as his anniversary draws nearer. My birthday comes first and my last memory of last year’s is answering the 'phone and hearing his lovely tenor voice singing, " Happy Birthday" from his hospital bed and promising to be home soon.
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Dear Prof, my heart hurts for you. I feel everything you say in my heart. We are in a waiting room we don’t want to be seated in. Our home, our garden, each other - was our lives. Not the material things, the love that it was built on. We were such a team, I don’t want to do this without him. 10 weeks tomorrow my life was shredded.
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Dear Maigret
Your words resonate. I call our bungalow the waiting room because that is now what it has become. Like me it is just an empty shell, filled with silence.
I wish none of us found ourselves on this painful journey.
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Anne
We have exactly the same feelings, all what you have said is identical to how I am feeling, and I am also 58 years old. Would help to be able share our grieving.
To get in touch would be helpful.
Joy
Like you when Dave and I was doing garden normally it would be Dave going in to make us a cup of tea then we would just chat for about Half hour then start again.
I think I miss that more than anything and it has been 4 years since I lost my husband we were married for 52yrs had just been on holiday for our anniversary when Dave was taken ill. The most awful thing is that Dave was coming home from hospital on the Tuesday when on Sunday night I was called to say he was dying. I just go from day to day meet friends and family but find I have no interest in my home like we had together. you will never feel the same again as you will have a complete new way of living. Just take be gentle with yourself and take time to grieve. Thinking of you queen