I totally get that overwhelming feeling when ever something in the house goes wrong or needs sorting…it just tips you over the edge…my husband was builder so I never got involved. Hate my life most days…
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Dear Traceil2020
My husband turned his hand to most of the repairs in the house. Since he died in September everything has started to breakdown and it upsets me so much. I did all the finances, but to be honest I have gone from being a highly organised individual to someone who cannot be trusted to do the shopping or secure the house or car.
Life is so unbearable.
Sheila
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Dear Sheila, exactly the same here, everything’s been going wrong and it just adds to our situation. Sheds leaking, summerhouse roof rotting, outdoor taps leaking…I never had to worry, Ian would just get on and do everything…it now just magnifies everything. I wonder how I’ll cope going forward…I’m only 58 so how will it be for me as I get older…its just unbearable isn’t it ? Xx
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Dear Traciel2020
My husband was called Ian also. I am now 61 and as you all the roofs causing problems, the car, the boiler etc. etc. Waiting for the AA now for one of the cars. I cannot bear to think beyond one day at a time. Cannot imagine years ahead without my husband. I am just so lost. First time in my life that I have ever had to live alone.
Take care.
Sheila
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Oh Sheila, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband went to work one day last January and didnt come home. He suffered a cardiac arrest and crashed his van…he was 63. Our plans for retirement just shredded to pieces in an instant. We have 2 grandchildren, both age 3 who just cant understand and still ask when he is coming home. I know I have to get up every day and carry on, but quite honestly it would be easier to not be here. I know he would not want that but there seems to be no purpose or future and lockdown just makes everything worse. I too have never lived alone…I absolutely hate it. Everyone says time will heal but I know that’s not true, how can it when you have lost your best friend as well as your husband? I know people mean well but sometimes you just want to scream !! Naively I never expected to be in this position at my age…it is just the worse thing. Xx
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Dear TracieL2020
Any loss is dreadful, sudden loss sends shock waves through our body and soul. My husband went out on his motorbike. We spoke at lunch-time - he was so happy - three hours later the police answered his phone and my nightmare began. He had just turned 60. Like yourself we had made our retirement plans and we had just welcomed our first grandchild. My husband adored him.
I agree time is not a healer. I mentioned to another on this site, I was with my husband 42 years and there are not enough decades remaining whereby I will get over his death. I sometimes still think that this is all a dream, that I am going to wake and life will be back to normal. Just never expected and do not want this life
I am so sorry that you lost your husband and the circumstances around this.
Take care
Sheila xx
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A life together, a full life of loyalty and fun and love. How can we possibly ever recover? I know people will be less understanding as time goes on, unless they have been through the horror & terror of this themselves.
I went into our garage, his kingdom, today & just looked at his Norton & wept. He was the coolest, most handsome, smartest mk3 & bonnie mechanic ever. Our memories, photos, videos, stories are so precious. He told me if he caught covid he wouldn’t get through it, he was right. I have lost so much, he did not deserve to die at 61, we had so many plans together, none of which will be realised. I simply don’t want to carry on, I just don’t.
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I could scream, scream loud & long & just never stop. The tears just don’t stop, the heart stabbing pain, the longing.
I am so sorry it is only my grandchildren & there mum & dad keeping me alive & the wish to ride the dominator again, i only ride when the weather is nice now Jane loved the bike too so i have to keep going, keep strong i am sure we can carry on however hard it gets, xx
I feel resentful too, how can they possibly carry on without our big guy. I am so envious when i see couples out walking, this should be us. How can they talk about trivia when all the world has fallen apart.
Sunday dinner is torture for me, he was the loudest, funniest, smartest & kept us all laughing, arguing & loving each other. There is no joy anymore, I look at our family & I hate myself for feeling no joy. Our wee one will never know her uncle
I feel this is just too big an ask to go on. We sat many times over many years, with last conversation just before covid and we pledged & agreed we would not want to go on without each other, we didn’t see the point. If we got ill we always said it was dignitas for us, together holding each others hand as we did throughout life. I feel I am cheating, I have let him down with our promise.
I really don’t want to carry on but we always said the one left would carry on for our family it does seem a nearly impossible task sometimes, i have a shout and throw things about and feel a little less stressed for a while, please keep going xx
Hello Maigret.
It is a big ask at the moment, but please know we are all here for you.
It sounds like you’re in need of support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s on your mind. You can call them on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything. Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop. - You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.
You deserve care and support so please, Maigret, get in touch with one of these services.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Keeping posting, shouting, whatever you need to do,
Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community Team
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Thank you Audrey. My family wouldn’t forgive me if I done anything stupid , it would be so cruel to put them though such horror. For that reason I need to stay here, even though I want to join my love. I’ve said things on this site I’ve said to no-one but its what I feel
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Yes, exactly Maigret, you can reach out on this forum because our members will know exactly how you are feeling. They will know how you just want to get it out there, screaming and shouting it out.
Please carry on posting, we are here!
Audrey,
Online Community Team
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Maigret
My partner left me on 03/02 to covid at 58. He also said if he caught it it would be the end for him.
I am also living a hell like yours I don’t want to be here without him but our three year old granddaughter still cries for him I couldn’t put her through more pain or our four children. But the children go home to their partner’s and can forget this pain for a while not me or anyone else on here it’s endless torture and night time is the worst for me.
I just trust people who are further down the path than me that say we learn to live with the pain as I couldn’t do this for ever it’s unbearable.
Virtual hugs to all and I hope you have a peaceful night,
Julie
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Virtual hugs, and the wish if a peaceful night, to you too Quarterman.
Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community Team
I think you summed it up perfectly Paula. ‘Having someone to do nothing with.’
That is exactly how I feel. Just to be able to get on with whatever I wanted to do but knowing my Ron was there. Just the feeling that we were coupled and it just felt complete. Now there is nothing but emptiness and a hollow life.
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So right. I’ll never get used to coming back to an empty houser sitting alone watching tv, or eating every meal by myself. 
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It’s hard to motivate yourself.
I’ve just been on a walk and feel so lonely 
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