My first christmas card

Yesterday I received my first xmas card of 2019. It was from my cousin. It was addressed to my sister and I ( we live a couple of miles apart) and made no mention of our husband/ partner or children.
It said, following the loss of your mum (aunty sylvia)
We know this xmas is going to be hard but try and have a nice xmas and try to make it enjoyable for your children.
I took this as a complete insult. Why wouldn’t I make it nice for my child? And do I need a family member to tell me to do this?
My sister told me not to worry but I think it’s such an insult of a card. This cousin still has both parents alive ( in their 80s my mums sister and her husband) and has never experienced loss.
I threw the card away. Why couldnt it have simply said have a lovely xmas, thinking of you?
Am I being over sensitive?

C1971, I don’t think you are being overly sensitive. It’s is weird that it does not mention your partner and child. Plus, of course you are going to give your child a good Christmas.
A couple of days ago I was send an email Xmas card from a distant family member saying pass this on to your loved ones. It was sort of a chain letter. She knows my loved one has died as she came to the funeral! I don’t understand. Do people not use their brain?

I’m an only child and I have no children.

Thanks daffy.
I dont think they do except this particular cousin sat by my mum’s bedside as they switched off her life support.
I just dont get it. All i know is that i dont have patience or understanding this year for peoples lack of common sense.
If course I’m going to to give my daughter a good xmas, it’s the only reason I’m still here and doing this. I feel like throwing all other xmas cards in the bin x

There a lot of things that people have said that I’ve just had to ignore. I’ve got a friend who every year has got to say something negative in the Xmas card. I can’t imagine what she’ll say this year. Usually, hers go in the bin.
No wonder hiding away seems a good option. To some extent being around people who don’t know what’s happened helps too.
An hour ago I thought to myself. “How do I get my Mum back!” As if that’s possible.

Exactly what I’m thinking daffy.
Its not going to happen for us but I still cant believe it!! How dare people send us chain mail when our mums have died? I got a christsmas hug on a messenger app.
I just ignored it. One day they will realise daffy x

Yes, they are in for a mighty big surprise. Grief comes to most of us. Living and coping with our loss is dreadful. I had someone on my Mums birthday send me a text saying “I hope you get through it”. I not even particularly friendly with the person who sent it. She also has both her parents and she is a great one to give advice! Sometimes, silence works best.

I don’t think some people realise how traumatic it is to loose a loved one.

What’s the option to getting through it?
She might as well have said, I hope you don’t kill yourself.
Its unbelievable x

Yes, precisely. That’s exactly what I thought. I’ve heard a lot of nonsense, including “what’s wrong” from someone who knows what’s happened. Other silly comments have passed into a blur.

Another, comment was “you obviously managed to get through the funeral”. It’s bizarre. I would not dream of saying things like this.

I agree daffy. Words fail me x

C1971, I’m glad you agree, because I’ve told no one else. x

Cheryl yes I would be insulted too. I find people
So insensitive at the moment. My best friend keeps complaining that she doesn’t feel
Xmassy yet. And asks me if I feel
Xmassy yet. I’m on the verge of losing my shit. I’ve had such a bad week. I’m really on the edge at the moment.

Sorry joules.
I’ve gone away for a weekend. I’m trying so hard to have a nice time but all I do is think of mum and I cry
This is 25 weeks today. I have little patience for anyone and when stupid things like insensitive xmas cards get sent, my mind goes into meltdown.
I would normally laugh at things like this but I am not in a laughing mood.
Sorry you are feeling rubbish x

Dont tell me we have to be part of this club to see sense.
This is ridiculous I havent changed that much since mum died x

We just have to accept that some people just don’t realise what they are saying. Probably because they haven’t worn these shoes yet.To be honest, I haven’t paid much attention to incoming cards but having read all this from all of you I may just have a scan through what’s arrived so far! The one thing I’m dreading right now and only the other day thought about was getting any cards through for mum which is horrilbe and awkward at the same time.
I’ve put flowers into a vase today which ordinarily would have been sent to mum this time last year.

What is wrong with people? Asking if you feel Xmasy! Centuries ago grief was respected and people wore clothing or an arm band to show they were in mourning. Now it seems one is expected to get back to normal very quickly.

I get that feeling too. I look ok therefore I must be ok. My wife commented just the other day that I was doing so well. I’m not sure what to make of that but I’ll take it as well intentioned. I’m not sure anyone realises what goes on in my head every single day. Yes I can function, smile, even joke with other people. I can drive my car, go to the shops, wash myself, and yes, put up Xmas lights. But am I fixed, back to normal, the happy chappy I used to be? Nope, nowhere near that yet.

Of course you arent fixed Shaun.i get up every day, make packed lunches, drive, put washing on, work on my days in…none of this means I’m ok. I come home and cry.
I just know that if I had a friend who was grieving I would be do careful what messages I sent them.
I hope the 8th goes ok shaun. You will probably just think of it as the same as every other rubbish day.
I was ok until I started seeing birthday messages for my mum on facebook.

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