Hi Mike
Yes a Very well acted and touching film, they made a some what unusual scenario some how seem perfectly normal …to be honest I am surprised at my reaction especially when my friend who also watched it called and asked me if Id think about doing something similar…I had called her to download it and send to me as I dont have my Netflix code on my new phone…not been tec minded I didn’t manage to transfer everything…any how it turned out she gave me her code and email so I got it that way… anyhow to answer her question I was surprised to find myself thinking I would…she very sweetly said that’s I wouldn’t need to have any worries about being rejected…oh for loyal and bias friends.
As you say somewhere down the line…like you I’m still trying to get my head around everything… it’s so hard to accept that they are gone forever ist it…guess that’s why Ive left everything just where Peter left them…to move them would be admitting he’s gone…I know he has ,so I know that doesn’t even make sense.
I can understand your dilemma about decorating or not …its the disloyalty thing again isn’t it…we worry about what our loves would think…I know he wouldn’t mind anything I do because he always said…If you are happy sweetheart then I am happy.
We talked about everything so I pretty much know how he’d feel about most things, but somehow it doesn’t make decisions any easier.
We even talked about things I didn’t want to…as I said earlier I’m not tec minded…peter would often say,let me show you how to do such and such and Id always just give him a kiss and say next time…I hated it when he’d say…what if I wasn’t around…that just wasn’t a possibility as far as I was concerned.
The worst one was When a friend got remarried…a lot of people were very judgemental but my hubby said no one had any right to judge never having been in her position.
I was really hurt when he said that he’d want me to find love again… he said he loved me so much that my happiness would always come first regardless of his feelings…I told him if he ever did such a thing Id come back and haunt them…he laughed gave me a cuddle and that Was the end of that.
On a lighter note… wetsuit fit can be problematic to get right…too tight and by the time you struggle into the thing you are too exhausted to do anything…too loose and you get a layer of water between skin and neoprene making things a bit chilly…so good luck with that.
If you do write your poem Id like to read it if you don’t mind
I guess bottom line to this horrible place we find ourselves in is…the deeper the love the deeper the pain at its loss… sadly the price we pay.
Anyhow night night ,you and your dear wife are in my thoughts…in a funny sort of way I feel Im chatting to you both
Take care and a big hug
Christine xx
Hi Christine,
Yes the film poses a lot of questions, but I try and separate the battle in my head from what would be an acceptable scenario. My wife said to me, don’t get married again. I agreed, of course not because I wanted to give her safe passage but I don’t want to get married. That was our time and is sacred. It must have been very hard for her to be aware in the conscious time before she past that she had no control of the future but needed some assurance, comfort of sorts that we would always be married to each other. I hate the way that legally I am free to marry, I’m legally single but it’s much deeper than the legal status that loss has granted me. She will be safe in the knowledge that I will keep my word and I gave it willingly to her not just for her peace of mind but it was my wish as well.
Having said that, if I was to find myself in a situation where comfort could be found equally between two people, then I don’t see how that would break my promise. I’m not looking for an angle, a work round to appease my conscious, not at all.
For me, one of the factors is that I have my independence and that’s important to keep, it’s was hard earned and I think that when people get used to being alone and self sufficient, we all need a sanctuary or own space even though it’s a lonely space.
I would assume that anyone else that found themselves living alone for a while, may feel the same. However a third space could be occupied where two could enjoy a new world without giving up there own spaces.
I sort of recognised that in the film, no reason why the two of you could enjoy companionship, go on holidays, sleep overs, dinners, pictures, day trips etc etc and whatever naturally develops and still have your own group of friends you own time to just potter about doing your own hobbies etc.
One thing I would look for is that we respected each other, our hearts are to fragile to have them played or to be fast an loose with each others emotions. And agreed commitment would have to be thrashed out to protect each other.
Sounds that I have it worked out doesn’t it, far from it, friendship needs to evolve at a slow pace as we are still on respective journeys and I believe for it to work it’s has to be earned and both need to want it to happen naturally and not forced.
That film did show me a life that I could live with in theory, not a copy of what happened in the film but more of a principal.
As I say, it’s early days and faith hope and destiny need to play their hands and my mind needs to be calmed of the distress that loss leaves you with.
I suppose fear has a factor, getting older, illness, loneliness etc do drive you thoughts, but anyone at our age after living in a beautiful relationship would feel the same. It’s all about the fear of the unknown.
But that’s not an excuse to go search, as I say it has to happen by chance I suppose.
Anyway, sorry about waffling on, the truth of the matter is based on the desire to quieten the turbulent world that loss thrusts you into. A need to get into an orbit that is more measurable, controlled and stable and only time will get you there and hopefully when one gets there clarity rather than confusion will rein.
I don’t know, it’s just the ramblings of a man seeking answers and a serendipitous future.
As far as judgement is concerned, we’ll knowing what we know would we ever deprive an unhappy person of a chance to be happy. I don’t think so, I couldn’t see someone feeling like I do and say to them that’s what you gave to put up with forever. We all know people that have found second chances and found happiness again but why do we deny that for ourselves? It can only be time that ultimately decides. For some it will never happen, for others it might.
For me it’s about balancing self the imposed restrictions of never being able to accept and let go, feelings of disloyalty and what other people might say. But I do feel differently 2 years in, and will feel different in another couple of years. That’s why I think we have to allow time for things to settle, to accept, sort and be more at peace.
Again, waffle waffle but as I say, I’m still trying to work out the route but 2 years on at least I’m more open minded.
It’s very true what you say, the deeper the love the deeper the heartbreak and grief is the love that had nowhere to go!
Changing the story, in an attempt to get out this rabbit hole! I need to decorate, I can foresee my house becoming the cob webbed scene from Great Expectations! But I will carry out what was discussed with my wife, pick colours she liked and carry out the improvements that we mused over. That for me allows me to compromise now and then. A bit of her still lives in the house as it was what she wanted.
I know it’s a totally different thing to your situation with the house you are renovating, but it’s a way of keeping the memory going. I could move, I could do nothing but I could also finish off what was started as a living memory of what they would have done if they were her with us. Maybe it’s another way of thinking about it?
As far as doing things or going places, I try and do things along the same lines but differently. We traveled this country extensively, so I’m always going to stumble over ground that gas a memory with the inevitable pangs and sadness, but I do it differently. I try and walk with her and let her see through my eyes and stories. I even take family members to our favourite haunts to show them what we enjoyed. I’m not sure if this is the right method but the more I do it the easier it gets and it’s definitely better than doing it alone.
An example is that I will go to an area, mainly north to the hills and perhaps walk a different walk or ride a walk we have done or just sit in a quiet place and write about our history there, a living legacy to pass on.
Another example are to do with her clothes. I’m keeping the ones that appear in pictures I have and intend to learn how to do patchwork. My wife used to do it and o have all the stuff, just need to learn. The idea is to bake a bedspread or quilt from her clothes and using her stuff. True quilt can be a heirloom and link to photographs of her wearing them. I will incorporate some of mine as well.
She did a lot of crafting and I have a room full of her bits and bobs. Lately I have been making presents from her things for family and friends and writing a story about where the present came from or a poem. It’s a gift that’s a little bit of her and a little bit of me. It’s a gift that is personal made with love and care, it’s also helps process the things that are hers but not simply given away or thrown, again, she lives on in another house, and my note contained within is the links between now and then.
I have things I can’t use, they have been mugs, jewellery even her motorbike gear. I have retired them, parcelled them up and written a story about it’s history with us. I won’t unwrap them, but when my children clear up after me, the things that are stashed away will have a story contained and it will bring the thing to life.
I do the same with her birthday, our anniversary and at Christmas. I buy her a card, go somewhere with a rose and a note and place them somewhere we enjoyed. I take a picture, copy the message that I left and write a story of what I have done, where I am etc and then seal it up and put it in the wardrobe. I will not open them up but my family will when I have gone.
I will be doing it this coming Friday as it’s a significant date.
I don’t know if this is of help, but it helps me.
As far as a wetsuit is concerned, I will find one and thanks for the advice, it’s important to understand from someone that knows so thank you.
My wife. Wanted to try paddle boarding, so I will do it for her as much for me. But I will have to do it in the company of others to keep my promise to my wife of not doing anything dangerous alone.
Anyway, I must get on, sorry for such a long ramble and I hope some of it helps or provokes a thought in a good way for those that are on our journey.
Keep well, stay safe and walk with your loved one in your heart, you are continuing the journey but in a different way.
Big hugs x
Hi,
Please can you tell me the name of the film? I need something to help me
Hi I think the film is called OUR SOULS AT NIGHT . I have watched half so far . It is on Netflix . I can only concentrate on things for a short while . Then my mind start to wander to a happier time and the tears start to fall . Xtake carex
Hi @AnnRc Yes it is called our souls at night staring Robert Redford and Jane Fonda.
It gives a hopeful view of a life between two lost souls.
I hope it does help, but you are not alone, we are in the same boat and all want answers but solace can be found amongst us.
I wish you peace and comfort.
Mike
Thank you. I shall have a look at it tomorrow.
Thank you. I shall have a look for it tomorrow.
Hi Mike
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beautifully written and obviously from the heart…I was welling up reading it
I don’t think anyone reading could fail to be touched by your honesty.
I couldn’t agree with you more, a true and loving marriage is indeed sacred and will always be so.
Ive always felt very fortunate and blessed to have such unconditional love from my darling husband for all these years.
I can still feel his love inside my heart…I just miss his physical love more than I have the words to express.
I don’t think that you remotely sound like you are trying to find a way around your promise to your dear wife…far from it.
As you rightly say none of us can know what the future holds. I don’t look too far ahead…a day at a time is enough… anything more just overwhelms me.
Do I feel any different two years on?? …I don’t know…a bit of acceptance is creeping in I suppose … until a significant date comes up or I come across something like you and your wifes bike things or simply a thought comes into my head and its a case of one step forward and two back
Everyone keeps saying that grief is like a roller coaster…a fair enough analogy I suppose…there just seems to be more downs than ups.
We lost our loves in very different ways… although the outcome is the same for all of us.
I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for you to watch your dear wife leave you like that or how she must have felt knowing that she would be leaving you alone
Your promise to her is lovely and I’m sure as you say eased her mind and I’m sure truly felt and meant by you.
For us it was very different…my husband was fit and active, full of life…I woke up one morning to find him gone with his arm still around me…a massive clot to the heart they said ??
I relive that morning over and over…which is why I can sleep and what ties me to my mums house…its where we spent our last night together.
I feel all shivery and cold just writing the words.
I don’t know what the legality of using the…W…word is but I refuse too…if there are any boxes to be ticked etc I tick Married because to me I am and I will always feel that way.
My wedding ring has never been of my finger since My darling husband to it there and there it will stay.
In our marriage vows we didnt say the till death do us part bit…we vowed eternal love for one another and that is how it will always be.
So Mike I understand your sentiments exactly.
To maybe find friendship or companionship somewhere down the road is something entirely different , and like you said can surely not be breaking any promise or bond to our lost loves.
I don’t think that any relationship or friendship
can ever be forced,it has to be a natural progression with mutual respect.
Some of the best things in my life have come just out of the blue…I met my lovely husband in a ditch by the roadside, he was on a road trip from down south and just passing through…FATE…it was love at first sight.
I think it was just the respectful, kind and sympathetic way that film was portrayed that struck me .Each keeping their own lives but coming together at times to bring some happiness into each others lonely lives.
Like you said it was the principal of the film that made one think that something along these lines could be nice and just might be doable one day.
So no I don’t think it sounds like you have it all worked out…sounds like you are just trying to find a way forward that you can live with, something I and I suspect others can relate too.
God willing there is a future ahead for us…sadly without our soulmates physically but always with us in our hearts.
I agree,faith,hope,fate destiny or just simple chance plays a part in all paths of life.
I think what you are doing with your wifes clotha and things is truly lovely and thoughtful and must mean so much to your family
The quilt idea is also a very special and touching project.
Also what you do with her cards…you have given me food for thought…I keep a special memories box with all our cards,little notes to one another etc
We didn’t have children…not a conscious decision…it just never happened…we were happy just being the two of us.
I wish now that we had so that I would still have part of him… selfish I know as they too would be suffering now…all be it in a different way
Having said that…our lives would then have taken a different route and I dont regret a single second of the life we had together.
Slowly there are happy moments…like early this morning as I watched a turtle make her way up the beach to lay her eggs…a real privilege to watch…but for the little ghost in my head wishing that my darling husband was sitting there with his arms around me watching her top.
I know what you mean about taking different routes on your walks and bike rides…Ive become an expert at avoiding situations or places that we used to go.but as you say, sometimes its unavoidable…like here its a very small island every inch of which weve covered…so its hard to stop thinking…last time I was here or there we were together
So emotions are all over the place…a smile watching the turtles and then tears flowing for what used to be.
There has been so many changes since we were last here together…just two months before Peter passed away…so sad to think of all the things he never saw ,like a young friends new baby girl…and excitement…we have a street light… just the one and there’s more light from a candle…but its a start.
My attraction here is that it has been our holiday home for 17 years
We sold our main home when we moved back to Scotland…just 18 short months before my darling husband passed.
The house we have in Scotland was a complete renovation project in such a way as to accommodate my dear mum and her still have her independence
We never lived there as it wasn’t finished untill too late…my dear mum passed just a few months after my husband…a lot of loss all at once.
Unfortunately this island is not the best for a women alone…but that’s a whole other Story
Yep my mind is on overload
I feel that I don’t really know where I belong now
We didn’t have time to even get used to being permanently back in Scotland after over 40 years…or make friends outside of family before everything fell apart.
Oh dear I really am the one waffling now…
Change of tac
The great expectations look??? …not a great look…so maybe an idea to flick a duster around now and again…eh!
Yes a lot of what you’ve said has given me food for thought
I Will think of you and your dear wife on Friday
Significant dates are a stab to the heart…I hope that you will have someone with you
Sorry about the life story
Take care and a hug
Christine xx
Hi Christine,
Sorry for the late reply, I get frustrated at technology and its persistent inability to carry out the tasks it promises and its unreliability. Having said this, it’s my best friend, companion and provider of opportunities to communicate to the outside world. In this particular case, it decides to do an update without notice and during my scribing. Have I lost everything I have written, is this a sign to stop bleating about my woes? Who knows but I was forced to stop writing and as it was coming up to 4am, I thought, just go to bed! Before I turned in I did manage to copy what I had written off my phone and e-mail it to me, so all was not lost and here I am again after a few hours’ sleep trying to carry on, so apologies for the time shift.
Yes I understand what you feel in your heart and how it contrasts with the physical elements; I miss everything from arguments to intimacy. The former were few and far between and the latter is still a very much a taboo subject especially within the grieving community, a subject that needs to be talked about.
Grief isn’t something you just get over and those that haven’t experienced they don’t really understand the far reaching impact that it has to those closely affected.
Story alert! better get a cup of something and get comfy!
For me it’s like being on a beach walking along the sandy sure line. There is a comfort in the rhythmic sound of the sea, the softness of the sand underfoot, the warmth of the sun on your back and the feel of a sea breeze. You can be forgiven for just loosing yourself in the moment as all those sensations, free you mind and bathe your soul, but its short lived, you soon realise that you are alone, you are not sharing that special moment, you outstretch your hand in the hope it would be met by a familiar grip and that’s when loss creeps up on you.
The realisation that you are alone trying to enjoy the moment but it’s not the same, there is no one there, just you, your thoughts, your sadness. The waves no longer soothe, they are memories of pasts enjoyed, they trigger you time and time again each time you feel them. The noise of the whooshing waves starts to pummel your ears, you don’t want that sound anymore, you want to hear that voice that laughter, that anything, but it’s just you longing for the happier times but now just a memory torturing you, feasting on your heart by reminding you, of your past and present life.
The tide suddenly turns and drags you into its watery hell of despair, heartbreak, isolation and fear of the life unknown. You try and keep afloat as best you can; it’s hard, tiring, exhausting and does not stop. You need to keep going, treading water day after day; this is your daily struggle of survival. You are alone trying not to get stuck in the grips of grief. The sea is no longer a comfort, it has turned, you are adrift far from the world you took for granted, far from the life you long, the sea is not your friend, it drags you further and further away from everything you once knew. The waves now toss your emotions about, toying with you, throwing you up high and then down deep. You struggle to keep afloat and grab comfort from the first thing that passes you.
If you are lucky the emotions calm for a while but you are a long way out. You can see the shore the place that was your safe haven, this is your past, you turn and see a barren island, this is your future and you are stuck in drifting to and fro at the mercy of the unknown, your present. You can’t go back even though it’s safe, it’s full of sorrow and pain, the island is also safe, but you are marooned, isolated, lonely and alone but you can’t stay indefinitely adrift at the mercy of the cruel sea and its unpredictable nature.
Some days you are strong and can overcome the past and swim to the shore, other days you are weak, tired of this relentless struggle and get washed up on the barren island safe but alone and passed by.
But time and tide waits for no man and we cannot command its progress, King Canute tried this. The simple fact is that we are just a grain of sand on life’s beach; it has been there for thousands of years and will be there for many more. Unlike us, we have a small time in this life but experience so much. At present grief and loss have a hold on us but we must not try and reverse time and tide but just go with it, like the sand underfoot, tomorrow it might be somewhere else, the tide will decide its fate ultimately and so must we allow time and tide to move us forward and try not be a King Canute and attempt to stop its progress.
We have to endure the roughness of the sea and live in all three time frames, on the shore with our past memories, in the sea with its ups and downs and on the island, alone and scared of always being like this. We must however allow time to take its share of our burden as it will allow you to become familiar to past present and future. On calm sea days you will enjoy the memories of the past, yes with sadness of course but still bathe in their warmth. You will recognise rough sea days and just let the tide maroon you for a while but time will make you resilient and you just have to accept it’s a bad day and sit on your island and let the vultures of sadness loss, despair, circle above you.
Time will be you saviour but you need to let it work at its own pace. Do not grab the drift wood and pin all your hopes on it, it’s just a passer-by, content with its journey and you will hinder it as it will give you false hope. Instead allow time to help you understand how to travel between island and shore, how to deal with rough seas, bad days or calm waters, good days and when to pick your battles.
You may choose to stay on the shore and get used to living with your memories in time, you may choose to go to the island and ponder or simply break down in private. Both places have their purpose and time will allow you to recognise them and work with them.
You might see another island, this might be hope, it might have likeminded people that will share your journey and time will allow you to recognise when the right time to go there is. i
I suppose the trick is to work with the tools you have, use the land and island as and when you need too, but look up at the horizon and see what other islands are out there and how you can move safely between them.
The film “OUR SOULS AT NIGHT” for me symbolises the ability to move between islands when needed, both Jane Fonda and Robert Redford had their own islands and time allowed them to get used to them, but they found a new island, hope, where they found peace, companionship, need and fulfilment. but at the same time, recognised the importance of having their own individual islands and knew how to traverse the seas between and when not too.
I love this country from the remoteness of the Scottish islands to the windswept coast of Lands’ end, from the flat lands of east Anglia to the rugged mountains of Wales and all in between. I have spent a lifetime amongst it all and in my hand was my girlfriend, fiancée, wife, mother to my children and now I roam this land with an empty hand but with her in my heart allowing time to show me the way. It won’t be easy doing this on my own, the draw of isolation is still great and the seas are still rough but I am learning, slowly thanks to time.
I too wear my wedding ring, I used to wear hers as well, but I lost it after a year, this saddened me greatly, but I cannot change that, just another demon I’m afraid. I don’t search out the “drift wood” in my story, it’s too early and there may never be a “right time” but if it does happen, well I think I will know it’s meant to be.
The way we lost our loved ones is tragic, like all those who find themselves with us. Individually the pain is so personal and long lasting but collectively we all understand what it feels like, that emptiness, I think Albert Gyorgy “Melancholy” sums it up perfectly, have a search for it, so there are many of us in the sea at the moment. Your double loss is just cruel and my heart goes out to you, such a sad thing to happen.
You mention about “this island” not being the best place for a women alone, I’m sure that is another story and I too have feelings about how people interoperate me, a single man, yes indeed another story.
I wish I could advise about the house situation, I fear that this is a distant island and now that perhaps is not the right time to venture to.
I will walk the beach at Southwold on Friday, place my rose on the pier with my note and sit and eat fish and chips from the place we used to buy it from, it’s a pilgrimage but I do it to honour her and will record it in a card with a photo and seal it with a kiss. Friday looks to be a good motorcycle day, so that will be my steed for the day, I will pat the seat behind me as I used to just before she hopped aboard and take that memory with me.
Anyway, what a waffle, I hope my story give some context and perspective, I not trying to force an opinion, just share my thoughts, but who knows, it might help others in some small way and that’s a blessing.
Take care, stay safe and well and let tie help,
Big hugs, we all need them.
Mike
Hi . Your posts do help me . They make me think . Where I am just that focused on the past and the present . I feel I have no future . But reading them helps me understand how I am feeling . Thank you . Xtake care x
HI,
We are al broken but we can be fixed up of sorts, not back to how we were, and we shouldn’t try, we need to continue or journeys with our past in our hearts allow the ones we have loved, still love, see trough our eyes feel our feelings, joy as well as sadness. if there is a parallel world, a one way glass of sorts, we are on one side and they are on the other, they might be able to see us and would expect us to be sad, broken, that’s what love is, it has no switch but the time between switching on and off gets longer and less painful. so I try and think that I’m causing suffering to my sweetheart on top of what she has given up and that’s not fair on her, so grieve that’s right and proper but allow some peace in your heart so that perhaps your lost love one can feel some peace also. we just don’t know do we, but our loved ones wouldn’t want to see us in pain forever as we wouldn’t want to inflict pain on them either They would want us to continue our journey and each time we think of them they will know that they are on the journey with us. We all need to take comfort in something in this our most fragile times and who has the right to judge or say otherwise hey!
Please look for hope, take care, look after yourself, you are needed, you just cant see it at the moment.
Mike x
Hi thank you . You have brought tears to my eyes but have also given me a bit strength and hope to carry on each minute of each day . Please keep on posting your words of wisdom and kindness . I am sure I am not the only one that they have helped . Thank you again xtake carex
Bless you, I don’t want to upset anyone, we all know its a hard thing and not what we want, but we have to find a way, and if I help in some small world, then that makes my journey a little more worthwhile.
We are all strangers united with a common cause, we have loved and lost so we are not alone.
I’m just and ordinary bloke but I choose to share rather than bottle it up, it took me a while, but its a strength not a weakness to show your emotions. After all, we are all teachers now of the hardest lesson of life aren’t we.
You can do this, it might not be a good day today, but one day it will be a little more bearable, it was for me. x
Hi Mike
I am so very sorry to hear that you lost your dear wife’s ring,that must be cutting deeply.
Ive just been reading your story…strangely its
literally my life right now…every day I walk a sandy beach down on the water line with the waves lapping my legs and under the ocean with my darling husband was my happy place…now I just watch it from the shore… wishing …on clear days I can see the neighboring island and wonder if I could swim over…so your story is literally the life I am actually living.
But in the context that you mean in your story it is a great description of trying to find a way to live with grief and I am certain that anyone reading it will be touched and find it really comforting and helpful
Again in contex of you story…I am rambling along the shore mostly,reaching the island from time to time and… very wary of any driftwood …I also do a lot of treading water… sometimes in the shallows and sometimes out in very deep water.
Yes Ive put the house think to the back of my mind for now until I get back.
I came down here alone this time to see how things would go
The local people are lovely but there are a lot of migrant workers from mainland Africa ( please don’t think that a racist comment in any way).
Sadly there is a lot of poverty which brings its own resentments where foreign property owners like us are wrongly perceived as rich…its a comparison thing.
Unfortunately single women get particularly targeted…on many occasions my husband had to step in to stop a single female being pestered.
Some of the approaches are very blatant… young men looking for a meal ticket for lack of a better word.
Where as before I found their propositions just amusing…Id just say I’d need to go ask my husband and they’d walk away…where as now they make me feel very uncomfortable.
I Keep trying saying the same thing but this is a small place and after so many weeks it has been noticed that I am alone.
The other week I was approached on my walk along the beach, as there was noone else around at that moment I was feeling very uneasy when a large dog appeared barking and snarling at him and he very rapidly took off…I threw my arms around the dog with sheer relief… probably not the wisest thing with an unknown very large dog but in that split second I was convinced that Peter had sent him…sounds crazy I know.
He turned out to be very friendly and accompanied me home…Id seen his around before so maybe he’d been following me all along… nobody seems to know who he belongs to but he has a collar,looks in good condition and well fed.
Now he seems to have appointed himself my guard dog and comes on all my walks which is lovely. I only give him the odd doggie treat which he sometimes eats and sometimes doesn’t so its not for food he comes to me for
He seems to know when Im going a walk,he just appears.
Sadly all sorts of things are very different without my darling husband…I know that he wouldn’t be happy that I’m here alone but our house here is the only thing I have of our life together now…a lot of things tumbling around in my brain.
There are a few things I’ve said here in my chats that I haven’t with family…partly fear of worrying them and partly because some things they just wouldn’t understand.
But then that’s why we all joined this group,we understand one another and no fear of judgement or misunderstanding.
Like you I had stopped posting…for same reasons
But you have been kindly replying and Ive found comfort in reading your thoughts and stories
Yes I agree talking about intimacy can be considered a taboo subject by some . But probably understandable in an open forum like this, re fear of any misunderstandings maybe. We had a very loving tactile marriage so its natural to miss that but appreciate that its not a subject everyone is comfortable with.
Is it the skulpture Albert Gyorgy dedicated to his late wife at lake Geneva you mean
Ive seen it, a very striking and graffic piece
Well its the early hours again
I wish you a safe trip on Friday,will be a very mixed emotions day for you
Take care and a hug
Christine xx
Hi Mike
Just checking in
I hope that your trip to Southwold went as you planned, these special days are always a stab to the heart.
I also hope that you were able to find your release in writing about your trip and thoughts.
There’s a poem called…The Dash…It was read at my husbands memorial service
He made the very most of his Dash and I feel that I’m letting him down by wasting the rest of mine.
I just don’t know how to look forward when he is not part of or able to share a future
I’m nervous of everything, frightened that I’ll make a wrong decision etc etc
I’m even a bit wary chatting on this open forum, that I’ve said too much… I’m by nature a very private person
My husband was my bubble of protection,he made me feel like I could do anything and come to no harm
He was a big man and didn’t suffer fools gladly but also very caring and loving
He always said that I was far more capable that I gave myself credit for ,so now I am trying to live up to that …, it’s just so hard
I went to a small chapel the other day on the anniversary of my mum passing, I’m not religious but I just wanted to mark it somehow…A young girl and boy came in and sat next to me, the little girl put her hand in mine, I understood enough to know that they were there for their mummy…they didn’t stay long.
On my way home I passed them playing and laughing with their friends and I envied. Their resilience.
I sometimes feel guilty that although I miss my dear mum greatly I miss my husband more…I do know that they are very different losses… but it doesn’t help.
I’ve been thinking about your story a lot trying to make sense of my thoughts and wondering how it can possibly get any easier when there is no end to loss
That’s the bit that people not in our position just don’t understand
You don’t just lose someone once, you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new day without our loves , it’s like a bolt
of lightning ripping through our heart
I miss his voice, I miss his laughter,I miss his arms around me, there was no better feeling in the world.
I go back to Scotland next week with mixed emotions, this is our home, but Scotland is where I last saw and felt my darling husband
I hope that you are well and that you are finding a little peace of some sort…I say that not knowing if it’s even possible
Take care and a big hug
Christine xx
Hi Christine and all those following this thread,
Anniversaries are a difficult time for all of us and this time of year for my family and especially for me.
The period between August and October are tricky. I have birthdays both living and lost, wedding anniversaries, potentially an imminent birth and a funeral.
Last year, my first set of anniversaries, was particularly upsetting, but I tried to mark the occasion in some way, it for me had to be done. Now I know this is not for us all, we all have our ways, but this might be helpful.
Hi Christine,
I hope you are well ? There has been a lot going on at the moment and I haven’t been online for a while so apologise for not responding. I will Pm you to bring you up to date if you don’t mind.
Hope to message you soon
Big hugs as always x
Hi Mike
I am well thank you,…back in Scotland…not sure how I feel about it.
No apology needed … Anniversaries and significant dates are always hard…so many mixed emotions.
Pm is fine by me, take care and look forward to hearing from you when ever you feel able
A big hug
Christine xx
Oh my I read your post and cried and cried, every one of your feelings, I’m feeling. I’ve lost my way and I’m scared of the future
I lost my wife may28th, to breast cancer, we were together 28 years, no children, and I feel so, so alone.I’m only 53 and I’m frightened what the future will hold……… I miss my wife so so much, we did everything together…… I didn’t do anything on my own, and it’s so hard now being on my own, I’ve gone back to work and it has helped fill my days, but the nights and weekends are dreadful…… I too will be seeking professional help
Can I ask what other bereavement sites you use……. I really need all the help I can get
Hi Donant
Yes losing ones soulmate makes the world a very frightening and lonely place.
Like you I miss my darling husband more every day.
I hope that you find some comfort from this site, we are all struggling with our own demons
Take care
Christine