Hello, my beloved husband of 30 years died unexpecdely 10 days ago and I am in agony. I cant bear this. He was the most wonderful happy optimistic man with a huge heart and he was the perect husband, and father to our son. Our loss is unimaginably huge. The thought of never holding his hand again or hearing his warm voice or smelling his skin or hugging him makes me want to scream and scream and never stop. I am drowning in guilt and regret and pain and what ifs and do not want to live anymore but my son said I cant leave him too. I dont know how to do anything. My husband looked after us so wonderfully but now am very afraid of how to cope. He was amazing but I can barely use my tablet. He and my son did so many things together because I have health problems and depression I’m a dead loss, but my husband had bowel cancer and but just got on with it with positivity. If only I had been the one to die not him. I know he would want us to be happy, but I’ll never be happy again and I’m so afraid of letting our son 22 down as well as my husband. Oh why why why him. He was such a wonderful man. I dont feel I can share his name yet. Can we just call him H? Thank you for listening. I’m very lonely. I only came alive with my husband by my side. I dont want to burden anyone I know.
HI there LizFar, and don’t worry you’re among people that understand what you’re experiencing, unfortunately we’ve all been where you are. It’s unbearable and painful and so utterly confusing. But it is normal, you’re not losing your mind, you will come back. I felt that I wanted to die as well, but really I just didn’t want to exist in a place my wife no longer was. That was 9 months ago, I felt like you and I’m still here. Take your time, breath, there’s no rule book for what you’re going through, but as I said people on here will help as they can, you’re among friends
@LizFar . Im so sorry you are going through this. Its a group no-one wants to be part of. My husband Pete died suddenly and unexpectedly on 8th April. He was a fit 67 year old and about to retire- which we were so looking forward to. He had a cardiac arrest out cycling. I felt like you, still do really. I find the future terrifying. But I’m still here. Still getting up every day. Still trying to understand why. My daughters and 5 of my grandchildren took me on holiday to ibiza. We came back today. We missed him so much whilst away and scatteted his ashes ( the little ones call it magic dust) in the sea and the trees. We talk about him all the time. Now i am home without him i feel the terrible despair but i go on every day for my 3 children and 8 grandchildren. I hope you find some strength too. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Sending love to everyone on this horrible journey.
@LizFar I can feel every bit of your pain, worry and despair. I was you 6 months ago. You are in the most raw, desperate stage but you are among a group of people who totally get it. We’ve been where you are, we’ve felt those same feelings and had the same despair.
As @Walan says, breath and take it slowly. Take each hour as it comes, just put one foot in front of the other.
Hopefully this forum will help you.
Its 10 days for me too im so lost and just keep thinking hes going to walk through the door .
Oh my dear Lizfar. It is good that you have found this website so early on. I thought I would go mad if I couldn’t join some group or forum. Indeed I used to say to myself daily, will I actually go mad. Sometimes, I think would my husband have coped better than I. You say you are a dead loss, I said to myself my husband was a better person than I, people liked him easily etc etc etc. But your husband was with you for a reason. This trauma we go through, has no outward signs of injury…we know how you feel. The unbearable loss, the shock that has made you question everything, the future that you can’t see now because everything is so changed. My husband died 11 months ago, I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but how I felt at 10 days in is not the same as now. Things ease slowly, so give yourself time, be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best that you can.
Baby steps, one hour at a time.thats how you gotta live for now until you feel stronger ! You will get through this but you gotta grieve ! Trust me i was in a right mess myself at beginning and still feel sad don’t forget the words - with deep love comes deep sorrow. Yoy will survive it though. We’re all still here to tell the tale xx
Couldn’t agree more with Deb5. It’s not one day at a time, it’s one hour at a time. A single day can have so many ups and downs. I’m pleased I came here. Finding out that I’m not the only one feeling as I do has helped me greatly. Hang on in there.
Thanks. It really does help to share your feelings doesnt it @Jiml and realise you’re not the only one to feel this way x
You are all so right what you say. Even after 28 weeks, I feel I need to take an hour at a time, I seem to be going backwards in the way I feel. No motivation again this morning.
So very sorry for your loss I do know how you feel as I am experiencing everything you are. Every day is hard to get through not having your husband with you day and night doing things together everything you use to do and now its gone all those wonderful years together and it doesn’t seem real.You have to take one day at a time try to get through them which is so very hard tears will fall all the time as I’m sure you will know but talking to people in the same situation will I do hope will help you and I in some way xxxxx
I know exactly how you feel. You will find ways to cope. My husband did most of the household chores and cooked. I am learning how to use the washing machine, the cooker, the dishwasher. Adapting as I have limited mobility. It is agony those first days but please do not give up. I am living on ready meals at present but do intend to try and cook something. Have so far managed loin steak with some veg. If you are in this much agony imagine him losing you both. Take all the help you are offered.
And this awful weather doesnt help either does it ? What an awful summer we are having !! I think id rather be in europe ! At least theres some sun there !
It doesn’t help at all if you can get out either in the garden or shopping it gets you through the day. Xxxx
My husband of 30yrs died in a hospice after a year of beung his sole carer i feel so lost too. He was the most locely man and my soul mate. I feel like there is a hole in my heart and dont want to be anywhere that he is not. Its been 37 days since he died and i saw him take his last breath, an image i cant get out of my head. Nothing seems to help. I do understand how you must be feeling after just 10 days its all such a shock. 1 hour at a time has helped me a little.
The advice on here has definitely helped me. Getting out this morning was the best thing I could do though my knees are now killing me. My emotional well being has improved. Just take 1 hour, 1 day at a time. Xx. Sandra
Did your husband know you were there JanB2? I had to travel 2 hours by car to get to the hospital. I hadn’t spoken to my husband since the day before because he left at 6.30am that morning. When I got to the hospital he was gone. In the beginning I counted the days as well, then the weeks and now the months. I got the same advice on here to take it one hour at a time, and that helped me to get through one of the bad times that come along.
I feel for you I can relate to your sorrow as I am going through the same. Grief is like your heart has broken into pieces and the love of your life has gone not with you anymore not being with him at the side of you in bed just an empty place where he used to lay. Seeing your husband breathing his last breath is there all the time as I also I did. My thoughts are with you please keep talking it does help . Xxx
@JanB2, @MargaretP23, my husband passed away in my arms 29 weeks tonight, I see the image of his face every day. I was so glad to have been with him and I know it was a great comfort to him. I miss him more every day and feel him with me. Life is a struggle,
I was with my husband too and so glad I was also all the family were too. Having his loved one with him was all he wanted his wife by his side. It’s comforting for you knowing he wasn’t on his own.Think of all the lovely times you had with him and treasure them . Xxxx