I realise this is a dangerous question…but knowing what you do about how the pain goes on, and loneliness…if you were back at the point of bereavement again, would you do it again or well to be blunt…kill yourself to spare yourself that suffering? You see I’m starting to see how people in here are suffering years later and I’m not sure I can face another week let alone years of this agony. So…why go through it?
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Please get these thoughts out of your mind or speak to someone on a more professional basis 
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I’m only alive today because my son said he couldn’t bear to lose two parents at the same time…but I’ve suffered from depression for years and it was only my husband who kept me going. Now I feel a burden to my son, and he as much as said so last night when he was trying to explain why he feels so bereft. He said he felt that his whole life was now over and he’d never have his own home or family because he’d have to stay here and look after me as his father couldn’t now (I have MS). I don’t think he could have guessed the impact his words would have. He articulated what I have always felt. That I am a millstone around everyone’s necks. if i was gone he would have the house he can’t afford on his wages and freedom from me. And I would no longer be suffering.
i know he loves me very much…but he is a paramedic and a realist!
@LizFar I felt that urge too, it’s a normal thing to think and many of us have been through it. But we do get through it, it does pass. For me it was really just not wanting to be here any more as my wife was gone. It’s very early days for you, I read about people suffering years later when I was at your stage too, I was terrified. I will probably carry the pain for the rest of my life but it does great easier, the pain and grief don’t really diminish, we grow around it. One thing that has kept me going is having watched how much my wife wanted to live, how much she fought till the end, I guess I go through it for her, I have the chance to go on and live a life for her.
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@LizFar I’m convinced he’d rather have his Mum, no matter what. If you’re really struggling tonight it might help to talk directly to someone. I’ve linked the number for the Samaritans below:
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Please heed these words and get help and happen your son could also speak to someone about how he’s feeling x
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I am very sorry you are going through this extreme pain, and your son, too.
It is very early days for you and it obviously is worse for you suffering with MS.
When I lost my husband seven months ago, I wanted to be with him and did not want my life without him. He had battled with cancer for sometime but never complained and wanted to live and as @Walan said, that made us want to live for them. My journey without him has been dreadful at times and I have pleaded with him to take me to him.
I take a day at a time, he is always with me, I talk to him and thank God I met him and we had a wonderful life. I would not want my legacy, or his and the family, tainted with anything stupid I did.
Maybe you and your son should speak with your GP for some counselling.
My heart goes out to you. Just remember the love you and your husband shared, love never dies.
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Hello @LizFar,
I’m sorry to hear about your husband. I’m hearing how painful this is all feeling and I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s always someone out there to help you through this. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
If you do feel these suicidal thoughts or feelings get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
- If you’re worried you’re going to hurt yourself, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.
If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. We have also launched a Grief Guide Service, which provides articles and interactive tools to help you cope with grief. If you’re interested in understanding more about grief and how you can manage it, please visit griefguide.sueryder.org
You deserve this support, keep reaching out.
Take care,
Alex
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dose anybody live in devon or cornwall it sounds a good idea what you said about meeting people in our area x
You’re closer than most on this site. I am South Somerset. Near Yeovil. Xx Sandra
I started a facebook site called Fylde Lone Wives & Husbands. We have met once and now we have more members we are meeting on the 26th in St Annes. We chat on line as well, post pictures of our loved ones and helpful videos. It has helped me enormously.
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Good idea 
What a good idea. I have no idea how you would set that up but that would definitely help people in our situation.
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