My husband passed away suddenly just over 6 weeks ago, he had nothing really to say that this was going to happen, a bit breathless the night before but nothing to say what was going to happen. He was tired that morning so I told him to go back to bed and that I would make my way to work, which we often did so I didn’t think anything out of the ordinary.
He always text me when he woke up, I didn’t hear from him, rang him, no answer and his parents went to our house to check. They found him still in bed, he had gone in his sleep, he had only turned 51 exactly 2 weeks earlier. It turns out he had undiagnosed hypertensive heart disease and it could have been an arrhythmia which caused his heart to stop and for him to leave us.
I am just so broken, I don’t know what to do - i’m an only child (47) and both of my parents have passed away, I don’t have any kids (he has kids from a previous marriage so adult stepkids) and moved up here from a different county so not many friends apart from my work friends and I just feel so alone its unbelievable. I cry probably every day and find myself going over and over it, if I hadn’t gone to work would he still be here and there’s times where I feel I just want to be with him and not here anymore.
His parents and his kids were coming down all the time at the beginning which is now tailing off, and I know they are grieving but it seems to be a competition with his parents as they always say they will never get over it, and just loads of things about them all the time and they seem to forget that I have lost my everything and I just don’t seem to matter anymore. We were together for 21 years and would have been married for 18 at the end of August, which I am dreading our anniversary coming up.
I just don’t know if i will ever feel any different or if it will get any better as at the minute it doesn’t feel like it, I’m still off work until at least the end of July, but part of me thinks I am going to go back to get me away from sitting at home with no one - other than our cat who has been my little constant in all of this.
Has anyone got any wise words of wisdom at all to help?
I am so sorry for your loss . I lost my partner 12 weeks ago today suddenly also without warning we had so many plans and were so happy he was my world after 12 weeks I’m still broken and cry every day I have nobody and the couple of friends I had disappeared after a couple of weeks . I can’t go out as I get panic attacks not that I feel like it anyway . It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me and sounds like your the sane .I also just want to be with him it seems all so pointless being here alone without him . I found this site yesterday and everyone is so kind it’s worth posting on here . Please take care sending hugs
im sorry for your loss my husband died suddenly it will be 4 years on 21st dec i have suffered terrible stress depression anxiety every since i lost my job because of this i also cant go out for the same reason like you i just want to be with him there doesnt seem any point without him then i feel guilty for being like this when i have 3 children and a granddaughter i wish i could tell you it gets easier as for me is doesnt gets worse but thats just me take care sending you a massive hug xxx
i lost my husband from a heart attack it will be 4 years on dec 21st i was only 50 i have got 3 children and a granddaughter but its not enough i just want to be with him just take it one day at a time i never no from day to day how i will be his family have been horrible to me and my kids since he died even before the funeral so we are alone dont beat yourself up everyones grief is different so dont let anyone tell you how you should be feeling and how long your grief should last at the moment i still feel like it will last forever but tomorrow i could feel different so i dont expect anything from day to day always hear to chat
I lost my husband without warning 3 months ago. He was only 50. He went out for a run, collapsed and died. Me and my son went out to find him but we were too late. We are still waiting on the Coroner’s report to find out why. My world was shattered - he was my everything. I keep going for the sake of my two young adult children. They have lost so much, I need to be here to support them, even though I want to be with him. His mother has not been able to cope and is now very ill in hospital, my mum has just gone into a home with vascular dementia so my children have lost both of the grandparents (to all intents and purposes) as well. I, too, keep going over things like did I not notice something, should I have stopped him going out for a run, etc. etc. Waves of grief will crash into you for a long time - some will be larger than others. Sometimes you have to take it a breath at a time. You can sign up for Sue Ryder or Cruse counselling and also, talk to your GP. I also found the website refugeingrief.com useful - it’s written by someone who lost her partner unexpectedly so she gets it. It is a rollercoaster ride but keep posting here and people will be supportive. Sending hugs
im so sorry for your loss i feel guilty as he was working away and we had never been apart ever for 24 years and he died alone he wasnt ill but died from a heart attack so like you it was totally unexpected even now i keep waiting for him to ring or walk through the door i also lost my motherinlaw in aug 2015 and then my grandson in the nov the same year so i have struggled to cope ever since i get fed up of stupid people telling me how i should be feeling and how i should be getting over it now well obviously they havnt lost a sole mate there whole world i just take each day as it comes i have good weeks where i cope and bad weeks where i dont grief is an individual thing so no one has the right to tell anyone how to grieve im always here if you ever need to talk xxx
Thank you. We won’t ’get over’ this - we have to learn to live with it. He was my everything- my strength, my confidence, my future, my reason for being. When he died, half of me went too. Life is incredibly cruel and you have suffered a lot of loss in a short time. My heart goes out to you because I know how all consuming the pain is. Do have a look at the website I mentioned - she talks a lot of sense.
i will look now thank you i feel everything you have just said try and stay strong xx
@Sja2804 hi I am so very sorry for your loss its so heartbreaking to lose our soulmates I lost my partner pauline in April she was and still is my everything I can relate to how you are feeling alone that’s exactly how I feel she was all I had apart from our 2 cats and our dog I have family but they don’t really bother with me we never really socialised so no friends apart from friends on here and Facebook though my Facebook friends don’t understand how I am feeling everyday is a struggle but I carry on because our pets need me and I need them and pauline would want me to I can understand you dreading the anniversary it will be our anniversary on the 17th of August my first without her we had 20 years and 8 months together they were the best years of my life I to just want to be with her and I truly believe that I will be again one day our lost loves live within us they are in our hearts and thoughts and there love surrounds us I’m worried about how I will be on our anniversary but I will celebrate it because it was the start of our beautiful life together just take one day at a time one second at a time if you need to keep posting on here you will find support and understanding here I know I have and it helps a little knowing others understand I’m often around so if you ever need to chat stay safe take care sending hugs
Thank you for all of your replies its just so hard. Like so many of you he was my soulmate and for all his parents and his kids have lost him, I think its a totally different feeling when you lose your spouse/partner etc as you are with them every day, share your whole life together and its the feeling of you had so many things that you wanted to do in the future, things we had done in the past and just general day to day life.
He made me laugh and from the minute i met him i could just talk to him, no awkward silences or anything - we had bickered a little over the last year through lockdown, i think with forced isolation etc but I still loved him with all of my heart. He definitely was my soulmate.
Its those times when something happens and you want to tell them about it, not receiving that text message from him saying that he loves me and just him being there, he was my constant and I can’t image living the rest of my life without him.
I feel like I can’t say that much to other people as I feel like they get sick of you talking about it - and yeah I’m sure we will learn to live with it, just not sure when that will be at the moment. Its my first time posting on here, found the site yesterday and was plucking up the courage to post.
Thank you all for your advice and wise words and hope you all find peace somehow, maybe we can all help each other. I will have a look at that website, tried to sign up for Cruse counselling and been told at least 16 weeks waiting list for counselling.
@Casey1 - Thank you casey1, its good to know that there are other people in the same or similar situation and just from posting on here, I feel finally like i am talking to other people who understand, instead of his parents trying to make it a competition of how bad they are feeling - sorry that sounds horrible. I just don’t think unless you go through it you can quite understand how bad it feels and how empty and lonely life is without your soulmate in it.
Everywhere you go seems to remind you, go shopping its what they would have ate or liked, things they did, etc etc, etc - Christmas is going to be bad, its my birthday 5 days before and I don’t want to go through it without him - sorry probably just being stupid now. Thanks for listening.
aww im so sorry for your loss the first of everything is so hard for me it was my granddaughter 1st xmas 1st birthday then my youngest turned 18 my middle one 21 then its anniversarys fathers day bdays ect id do take one day at atime sometimes seconds minutes hours like you its nice to talk to someone who understands instead of people saying you should be feeling like this now and doing this go away you have no idea whats its like and never will until they suffer a loss x
@anon92799665 @helen67 hi I am so very sorry for your loss my partner pauline was in hospital with breathing problems and fluid on her lungs and problems with her legs and feet and then while in there had another infection
and then got what they call an impaction they were going to operate on the impaction but said she was high risk she died 3weeks to the day that she went in they found her unconscious on the ward they said she had gone into cardiac arrest they tried to resuscitate but couldn’t get a rhythm our lives are so different now not really living just existing I am sorry for anyone going through this heartbreak stay safe take care sending you both hugs
you to im sorry for your loss im just existing i hide it the best i can from my kids but its hard you stay safe to sending you love and hugs to xxx
No, you’re not being stupid. There will be many dates that, although once looked forward to, will now be dreaded. Father’s Day was hard for my children and me, seeing them in pain. I spent my wedding anniversary with him at the Chapel of Rest. It will be his birthday soon and so it goes on…. Life is just turned on its head - and probably always will be.
@Sja2804 your not being stupid everything is so much harder I have a draw full of chocolate in the fridge it was hers I don’t eat chocolate I just can’t bring myself to throw it out now that is stupid I lost my mum when I was 13 she was my world I never thought anything could ever hurt me as much as that did but I was so wrong losing pauline has crushed me this hurts even more than losing my mum did so yeah its different losing your soulmate I feel so empty all the time and do nothing but cry they were our whole world our lives and the only ones that can understand are those going through it or those who have been through it sending you strength
Yeah fathers day was hard, I made sure his dad had cards and presents and am getting both of their names engraved on the heart of steel for the british heart foundation etc - my one friends who i work with keeps telling me off and says i’m thinking about everyone else and not myself and now when i think of it I am. But the thing is i’m doing that for everyone else to try and help and no one is doing anything for me, making sure i’m ok, buying bits etc or little presents - no I have to do all that myself. Not that i want this but it would be nice for a little surprise maybe sometime.
Sorry I sound like a right cow, I apologise, I just want to scream at some people sometimes xx
i hear you if i had a pound for everyone i wanted to scream at for being so insensative i would be rich you carry on as you are if it helps you deal with it then carry on xxx
I know what you mean, I lost my mam 14 years ago suddenly and then my dad from dementia 7 years ago and never thought anything could hurt as much as that - boy was I wrong, its totally different …
@helen67 @Sja2804 I tried reaching out to a friend on Facebook the other week all she kept on saying was I don’t know what to say didn’t even ask me how I was doing truth be told I just wanted to hear another voice as I cried for my pauline instead I held it together asked after her family then said I was going sometimes I wish I had someone to scream at I have this anger in me and I don’t know what to do with it I know she is gone but I can’t seem to get my head around it