@Sja2804 yeah it really is my dad died in 2001 on 13th April pauline died on 14th April I will always love her we weren’t married but in my heart she is my wife I still talk to her all the time
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Yeah I seem to be so angry, had to go out and get a bit of shopping the other day, everyone got on my nerves, kept getting in the way, I was making comments under my breath - just wanted to literally kill someone!!! Never really thought about it till i got out of the shop.
My inlaws made a comment about their grandson, my stepson going to see them, that he was looking after them as they are on their own and don’t see anyone - I keep thinking they have each other, the “kids” have their friends, mum and partners and I’m just stuck in this house day in and day out trying to cope. I get asked how I’m doing, hardly have time to reply and then get told their trials and tribulations. I better stop now before i go too far…
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@Sja2804 hey its ok its better to get it out rather than hold it in I hate going shopping I’m doing everything on autopilot most of the time I do treasure the years I had with her though she completed me made me a better woman and all I want to do is make her proud
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Thank you everyone for chatting last night - it really does help speaking to other people who are going through the same thing and listening to their experiences and knowing that you’re not alone. People around you, unless they have been through it, can’t imagine how you are feeling really and for someone to instantly know how you feel and can empathise and let you know what has happened with them and that we will get through it eventually is something to hold onto. x
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It definitely helps knowing your not alone in this tragedy . I think people just think you should be over it after whatever time and loose interest where as for us it’s never ending.
Take care sending hugs
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I had a consultation with my GP. Although attached to the surgery all my life was not a frequent visitor but it was so good to talk and tell her how I was feeling and get a common-sense response. I am only 9 months in on this bloody awful journey and already people are telling me how I should be feeling. GP said I can be whatever I want to be feeling and to ignore comment’s from others who have no concept of the pain of grief. She also said that it was ok to feel that I will never get over my husband’s death - I can’t remember the phrase she used but as I say good to speak to someone who listened and for me seemed to understand. Other than those on this forum no one really understands our pain or real sense of loss.
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That’s good you found something that works for you my GP is still only doing telephone consults no face to face . My tragedy happened 12 weeks ago and I’m still in disbelief about it all it was so sudden and so hard to believe He is not here anymore. He was my world my everything the love of my life we had so many plans and now it’s all gone. The pain just never goes away .
Take care
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Dear Janeets
I can relate to your grief. My husband was killed in a road traffic accident. Spoke with him 3 hours prior to the crash never imagining that would be the last time I would speak with him. No proper goodbye, nothing. I think I was in shock right up until Christmas and then the sudden realisation on Christmas Day that this is it, this is now my existence. Totally heartbroken. We had been together since our teens and had decided that I should retire (at Xmas) and start our retirement. Like yourself everything now gone.
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Sheila I’m so sorry fir your loss there are no words for the feeling are there it’s like a nightmare that you don’t wake up from . I think the sane as you no goodbye nothing just gone . How can that be it’s just not possible . We were so very happy he’s always been in my life I’m just so lost without him he was also going to stop working in January next year and we had lovely plans I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now . We didn’t have any friends to speak of we did everything together we always had each other . It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me . It’s just all so unfair that we are having to go through this .
Sending hugs
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Dear Janeets
This is not the happy ever after we wrote and discussed. Lockdown last year we started to plan our trips abroad and were nearing the end of finishing off renovations to our little bungalow. The plans are gone forever. I am now struggling to get the jobs finished (my husband would have been doing them) so that I can get the necessary sign-off from the Council. All this for nothing. He never got to enjoy it. We ordered furniture which was delivered after he died - all these things just bring such sadness. But the biggest sadness is our little grandsons not having the joy of knowing him. The eldest was only 9 months - loved so much by my husband. Now there is another grandson who never got to meet his granda. Memories are just no good. They (and me) needed to experience the different adventures he would have had with them. Some days I just cannot comprehend how in twelve months our world can come crashing down.
Take care.
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like you my granddaughter was 8 months old when he died he was known as bampy porridge he worshipped her and it breaks my heart to now she dont remember him
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Dear helen67
Yes my husband worshipped our little grandson who was just 9 months when my husband died. We were told on the Saturday that they were expecting another baby and my husband died on the Monday. Although they have plenty of photos of my husband with the eldest the truth is he will not remember him and as you say it just breaks my heart.
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sending hugs and love to you all xxx
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@Sja2804 this is just an absolutely dreadful thing you are enduring… it doesn’t get much worse… it is completly horrible (I want to swear as those seem to be the only words strong enough but the mods will have to edit me then). I am sorry this happened to you and it is understandable you are broken.
My husband died of a shock heart attack in October, we also have no kids but I have my Mum and 4 cats… I’m still only barely getting through the days even now with that and many other things helping me (drugs, psychotherapy, understanding job where i had almost three months off in total, support group, staying with my mum and her feeding me/doing everything). We were also together about the same timescale as you… from when i was early twenties until I was 40. There is no getting over it and the first months were absolutely horrendous even with all the very much support and help I had so I cannot even imagine what you are going through…
There was a helpful thing that my therapist/support group shared about that your grief doesnt get smaller but you somehow start to grow around your grief so you have room for other things alongside it. Even with 8 months past, weekly therapy and the rest my grief is the major part of all my hours every day still but now sometimes i enjoy stuff or can concentrate on something for a bit inbetween the grieving. In the early months that was not possible and I fear that is where you are now. Then what i learned (if i learned anything by this horrendous new life) was that it’s time to go back to extreme basics. Try to eat, try to sleep, try to keep some level of hygiene, try to get some fresh air, even if just an open window if you cannot face a little walk, keep hydrating and try to make a routine. If you give up all these things it gets even worse because when you are not eating you are not pooping and that makes you feel worse, then you are not sleeping and things are just amplified when they are bad enough already… also call the GP for help, they cannot make the grief go away but they can help depression caused by grief and PTSD (which you will almost certainly have by the sounds of it, although I am not doctor, I think it is very common in circumstances like ours and these are treatable conditions that you do not need on top of the already immense grief you are dealing with).
Finally it helped me to write things out, either in a diary or on here. Sometimes I even pretend I am writing to my husband and it calms me. I cannot always think what he might say and then it becomes upsetting but on good days it helps. I also ended up recently meeting some of the people I got chatting to through this forum and that was also a positive experience to speak face to face with people who really knew and were not just saying the same old platitudes to me because they feel awkward.
Take it minute by minute, dont think about the future, that’s terrifying, Breathe and focus on the basics to get through the days and hopefully eventually some of the very many things that you are worried about right now will solve themselves but of course the big one we can never solve but hopefully, like our millions of ancestors before us who found a way to continue… we will too as your husband would not want his legacy to be that his death destroyed you (that last sentence I took from another poster on this forum, I find it helpful). Take care xxx
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Thank you so much for your reply to my post, todays been a bad day, its 7 weeks today since it happened, i’m trying not to focus on how many weeks it has been etc as it doesn’t help. I Spoke to a counselling service for my initial appt and am getting put on a waiting list and for some reason its just been a really bad day.
I was sorting through some drawers and cupboards and found valentines cards from this year and anniversary ones from last year, and broke down as he was saying how much he loved me etc - i just can’t believe that I’m never going to see him again, speak to him, I’d do anything for a hug and its breaking my heart that i’ll never have this again with him… I’d also give anything for a hug from my parents too, you know the ones that make you just feel safe…
Its just such a help and gives me hope speaking to people like yourself who are in the same situation but a little further down the line who can let me know that hopefully things start to get better in some way, that you can, as you say “grow around your grief so that you have room for other things alongside it” Concentrating on something is hard, i start something and then go off and do something else and then remember I didn’t finish the first thing.
I’m trying to eat more regularly now, in the first few weeks I kept forgetting to eat and then realising at 8pm at night that i needed to eat, and when i’m diabetic that isn’t the best thing for me to do! I always tell myself i’m going to go to bed early, try and get a good nights sleep and then don’t go to bed till 1am or later and then wake up early. I do try and get out, even if its just up the road to Aldi for a few bits. I don’t drive so that hinders me a bit too.
I am so sad that our future has been ripped away from us, he wanted to retire eventually and move down to Lincolnshire, he was a plane buff and loved the Red Arrows and RAF Coningsby and all things aviation related and it was his dream to move there and it tears my heart out that we will never do this.
I will try and take things minute by minute and thank you so, so much for taking the time and giving me some hope for the future (saying that with floods of tears running down my face! as someone has been nice to me 
). I hope we speak again as we seem to have a bit in common. Thank you and take care xxx
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So sorry for your loss .my husband passed away 22nd January2021 with COVID-19 .just like your self it was so quick .I still can’t get my head round it he was only 61 …I just take one day at a time…the hurt and pain never goes 
sending big hugs and love to you xx
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I’m so sorry for your loss it’s all so hard to keep going eh . I lost my partner in April and it’s still so hard to believe he’s not here anymore. I think when it’s so sudden there is a lot to cope with one minute they are here then just like that gone . He was my absolute soulmate love of my life and we were so unbelievable happy and to try and imagine life without him is just incomprehensible.
Sending love and hugs take care
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0It9yRxcyc
Please have a listen to this song and its words - it will have you in tears but it is so, so apt and the words are so apt for what we are going through at the moment. It is so beautiful … xxxx
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Thank you it’s so beautiful and so all of us at the moment
Hugs to you