Thank you for all your support. I am having a bad day again but that seems to be my normal life for now. Sending lots of love and hugs to everyone from Anna.
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@Annaessex . I too have had a bad day. 2 weeks ago today since my lovely Pete passed away. I went for a long walk with a friend but felt quite ill. I spent the afternoon on the bed watching crime drama. I only hope that i don’t feel like this forever.
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We were always holding hands while watching TV or at the cinema. We loved to go to the Royal Albert Hall, but now even listening to music hurts. My beloved husband passed away 3 months and 10 days ago. I know how you are feeling, it is so unreal and there is no way out. I try to keep myself busy but the weekend and the evenings and nights are the worst. I try to make my husband proud but it is hard. You will not feel this forever but there will be times small things will trigger it and you will have a breakdown. Your pain is too fresh not to be distressed and sad. I have been there a few times and lost my close family and friends over the years and I know that I will survive this pain as well but it is harder for me because I am on my own now. I am wishing you a lot of strength and the courage to look forward to better times. Hugs from Anna
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It is 7 months ago now that I lost my lovely husband Zeki and I am still struggling I miss him so much .I feel that I will never get better but I know that some of you have posted that you feel a little bit better and so I continue to hope.
We were just about to move when he died but that dream no longer exists.I still have to decide what to do as I have no family.This grief is all consuming and I feel like I am drowning in it and then I remember what some of you have said Karen said don’t let grief win and Frank that tears are love with nowhere to go.Zeki himself said “Don’t die with me Ann” I keep trying.I hope I have the strength to pull through,
Many hugs to you all and thank yous for listening
Annxx
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My apologies I meant to say Mike instead I wrote Frank my brain cells are going as well
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@19Lefke95 Ann, I’m sorry you are so down and I missed your post last night. I guess you didn’t sleep much. You are right this grief can be all consuming and there is no easy way. I don’t avoid it, just give it space and go with it, but try to work it out and not let it control the whole of my life. I am lucky to have purpose and support and this helps. As @KarenF says finding purpose and honouring our loved ones through this gives us strength to carry on. This is still a great struggle, the hardest most of us have ever faced and is small steps, like deciding on your memorial to Zeki and using his memory to give you strength. Thinking of you. Love and hugs xxx
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@19Lefke95
It’s a hard one. We are all different. I am lucky that two of my adult kids live at home (for now). It does make all the difference having people around. I also feel the moving forward has to come from within. We can’t sit and wait for life to happen, as nothing will happen unless we make it happen. I know that is easier said than done. I believe my partner wouldn’t want me sitting around doing nothing and that wouldn’t help my mental health either. So I push myself to do as much as I can.
I’m young at heart and despite what I first felt, I want to live, I want to live a life that has fun and laughter, holidays and trips again. My other half would want that for me too.
Like I said it’s a hard one as I miss him, want him and the life we had and shared!
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@19Lefke95
We are with you all the way on this terrible journey.
If you think talking face to face over zoom would help please say and I’ll add you to the zoom link and zoom chat private messages.
We can’t put links on here as it can be read by non members.
It isn’t for everyone but does help some.
I’m like @Ali29 as I have a daughter at home which does help so it could be easier for me.
You are quite naturally grieving for the life you lost as well as the company of your wonderful Zeki. Have you seen the post which included a link to the explanation that our brains have to rewire after a loss. We have to relearn what life is now which is exhausting as well as a slow process. I’ll link you to that thread.
Wishing you lots of love
Karen xxx
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@Annaessex
Hi Anna and @Freefaller
Don’t despair that the days seem bad so often. They are almost bound to be this early on.
In the reply above I have added a link to a thread started by @Ali29 which showed that our brains need to rewire after losing our loved ones as each day and each activity has been wired in a certain way which included them. It will take time as well as energy for our brains to do that. It helps to explain the tiredness as well.
I still have bad times and triggers can still come from nowhere - grief ambushes - but yet are less frequent. It will be a year on Tuesday since my darling Richard died, which in itself is hard to believe. I wouldn’t have believed I could have managed a year without him at the beginning but here I am - still not liking my new life and yet liking some days within it. Slowly I will continue to adjust until the days of enjoyment may be more often than the days of being upset. 
Sending love to you both
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Karen thank you for your kind message I have read some of the link it is very interesting .My thoughts are with you as you face the year since your lovely Richard died.It is a bit early for me to go on zoom as I am still an emotional mess but hope fully in a little while I may be able to do that
Lots of hugs and thank yous for listening
Annxx
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Hello Mike.
Thank you for your message I will try to steer my suffering into a compartment and work my way through it.I suppose the fact that I watch some TV and read a book at bedtime shows I am making a little headway.I couldnt watch much at first I even found the adverts very upsetting.
The fact that I don’t drive is very restraining.Sometimes I do feel to go somewhere and I can’t.I think that prevents me from moving on a bit.
It is my Wedding Anniversary on the 05 May ,my mothers birthday and burial day on 06 May and Zekis birthday on 08 June so a run of even more sadness on top of what I feel now .But that is what it is and like everyone in our online community it is unavoidable .
Lots of hugs and thank yous for listening
Love Annxx
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@19Lefke95 It’s so difficult and not driving is restricting but watching TV and reading is a good start. My TV watching still excludes programmes we watched together and they remain recorded until I feel strong enough to watch them.
Grief will always be there with us and we need to give it it’s place but not allow it to be 24/7. Remember it really is baby steps and one day at a time.
As you say, you have some important days coming and more sadness from those, although sometimes the anticipation is worse than the day. Keep posting, we are all here for each other.
Love and hugs xxx
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Im the same , programmes that i used to watch with my husband no longer interest me. I cant bear to watch them knowing he isnt here with me. Im 14 months in now and still have bad days. Its the fact that all the things he used to do are now down to me. I started to decorate the house trying to get it ready for selling next year when i had a really bad day. I felt as if it was all too much and couldnt be bothered to carry on. It felt so depressing, i was talking to my son and he said i was overthinking everything. He said its still early days just concentrate on one thing at a time, like I have finished the one room and started on the bathroom. He said just concentrate on that one for now. I know he is right, but its frustrating. I have three sons and a daughter who all help when they can but they have their own lives to live.
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Hi @Beachgirl
I recognise that feeling of being overwhelmed and I think your son is right. It’s best not to look at the bigger picture yet. Just tick one thing off at a time. I am a list person and I tick off what I have achieved that day. I have been known to write something on the list I have already done simply to tick it off. 
You sound to be achieving what you need to despite the difficulty in continuing. I think that deserves a pat on the back and feeling proud of yourself.
Love
Karen xxx
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Thank you Karen, i hadnt thought sbout writing a list, that will be a start. List everything that needs doing in the room im working on now then tick them off. I would be able to see then that i am achieving something. Its hard going though, as my husvand used to deal with all of that, the same as the garden. He loved his tropical plants but that is something i know nothing about im afraid that a number of them will have died as he used to wrap them up to protect them during the colder months. So my youngest son has said he will come and sort it out. He takes after his dad and looks after his garden really well. But thank you for your confidence in me
Love Denise
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@Beachgirl
Not only are you achieving that but you are living each day too. All the decorating is extra to everyday living tasks which are enough on their own some days.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
Having ready so many heartbreaking stories here, in my dreams I’m ‘torn’ between the awful sudden loss and slower painful death due to terminal illnesses.
The terrible truth is there is no good way to go or say goodbye to our life partner, be they old or younger.
I lost my beloved husband and soul mate in February from pancreatic cancer (which then spread to his liver). It was such a cruel and horrendous disease I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My Richard died 5 months after his (late and initial mid- diagnosis).
In my grief I often wonder if it would have been better and kinder for him to die sooner (or suddenly) as he was (or so we thought until Sept) fit and well and enjoying the first 6 months of my early retirement travelling and living our best life after 44 years of working hard. We had just enjoyed a fabulous holiday in Cornwall.
After his late diagnosis, I had the privilege and honour to care for him 24/7 for his last 5 months. But I know he hated being ill and deteriorating so badly due to his cancer and 3 horrendous hospital infections (after the initial procedure to put in a bile duct stent via endoscopy) so I sometimes feel really bad and guilty about that. All his dignity went although his brilliant mind and intelligence was as sharp as ever and I’m only glad I stopped work early and was there to be his only carer at home, as I know he wanted. We never expected this, although on reflection now, it somehow deepened our love, understanding and respect for each other in a way we had never experienced or spoken about during 40 very healthy years together.
I’m still struggling to accept and remember my beautifully fit, healthy, optimistic Richard has gone: I know and accept my poor sick husband who died peacefully in my arms at the hospice having wasted down to 7 stone but still expect the old well Richard to come charging back and ready to continue our adventures and 4 year old grandson in retirement! 
Even though I knew he was terminally ill, he never wanted to face or discuss death until the very end - and then he was resigned to the fact and he wanted it to be as peaceful and quick as possible.
The uncertainty of knowing exactly what was wrong and going on during those 5 months, horrendous NHS experiences and trying to get a proper biopsy sample to give the right diagnosis and treatment plan was a absolutely horrible for him - although selfishly it gave me time to dedicate myself to his care and time to start preparing for the inevitable.
So my heart goes out to everyone here suffering the loss of their loved one. The one thing I believe is true - the deeper the love, the harder the grief 
Whilst I don’t think I will ever ‘get over’ it, I’m trying so very hard to find coping mechanisms that help me carry on and give me the strength to continue to support our family and friends the best way I can on my own and in memory of my darling Richard.
I’m about to share our experience and story with Pancreatic Cancer UK - Richard wanted me to do that and knowing what we did in the end, back in Sept, would have been incredibly helpful to make better choices and the most of our very limited time left together.
As part of my grieving process too, I’ve just started some volunteering with the local hospice that gave him a peaceful and dignified end for which I’m very grateful. I’m also helping my local riding for the disabled group that I did many moons ago in trying to find worthwhile things to keep me busy, honour his memory, get me out the house and try to establish some sort of ‘’new norm’ and coping strategies going forward without him.
I wish everyone here hope to deal with your grief in the best way that finds you peace and comfort after your loss. As they say, time hopefully can start some sort of healing process but we’ll never forgot those we loved so dearly and who’s memories will will in our hearts forever and we can treasure until we meet again…
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Alison61,
So very sorry for your loss big hugs,
Must have been horrendous for you ,
Life is so difficult without our loved ones ,
I lost my husband October 2022
He had COPD,and had a cardiac arrest whilst driving,and passed away 2 hours later,
We had so many plans and like you ,we loved
Visiting Cornwall ,and he will miss his 2grandchildren growing up,
I applaud you for volunteering at the hospice,
Take care
Love Sue x
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Hi Anna if you ring 111 NHS and say you feel suicidal as no support from you GP for your grief, they can Make an appointment with GP as they have slots. Look after yourself and your own mental health x
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Dear Jazzyjuls, thank you for your suggestion. I might give them a ring. I know people who committed suicide and the terrible impact on their family and friends. I would never do this because it is against my belief but I need help to fight the depression I have since my husband suddenly died. Maybe even join a bereavement group or similar. I am quite overwhelmed with the house, finances, dealing with the funeral, etc. but I will make my husband proud and go through this. Thank you again for your advice. hugs from Anna
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