My husband was not a saint

20 mths on from the day my husband died I have had lots of time to feel and process this grieving journey and what I have learned from it along the way (yes I believe life is all about learning and lessons).
One of those learnings was my husband was not a saint, far from it but in death I found when I talked about him , I was putting him on a pedestal, i.e, the best husband in the world, the only love of my life, can’t live without him and the list is endless. Why?
I loved my husband but I also loved my mum and dad and other people too. My husband had flaws, he is human no different to any of us, so why did I feel like my world had disintegrated in an instance because he was no longer here? I get the missing and loving him but why did I feel incomplete, incapable and helpless? I had to dig deep for this one but I looked truthfully into my soul and didn’t quite like what I saw. I was co-dependent on him for my happiness, my fulfilment, my future and I didn’t have to face things on my own, decisions, life choices etc. I remember crying when I had to put the bins out or sort my car’s MOT and a million other things that he would do or the ‘together’ things but I can do those things, they are not insurmountable? In fact we have to do all the things they did or how else do we survive?. This taught me that I was or had become co-dependant as I shouldn’t have to relearn who I am, what my purpose in life is and feel lost, or helpless or incapable and the many other things we describe ourselves as when we are grieving.
Part of the new life chapter after death is going back to who you were/are as an individual person, not half of someone else. We are not half of another, we are whole human beings. I now don’t see my new chapter as a challenge, I see it as exploring me and the life I have in front of me. It’s called being my own unique person as love should never equal sadness, heartbreak and misery.
Death is part of life, the good bad and the ugly, it doesn’t define us and it certainly doesn’t define them. I see my husband is at rest and at peace. I see my own life now as one where I know I can survive and one blessed to have shared love but none of it defines me.
I hope this may help those newly bereaved who at the moment cannot see a way forward.

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Your wise words always help me Lyn
And always make such sense

But I still feel as if I’m only half a person and am struggling to carry on.
I am coping but I do find it very hard. My heart and head are constantly filled with Roger.

I do go out, I do laugh and joke. But inside I’m still finding it very hard .
A bit like a swan, calm and serene on top, but paddling furiously beneath.

I do hope that I can get to where you are, but it seems a long way off at the moment.

Thankyou for your encouragement

Love and hugs
Liz x x

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Liz it all takes time, who you are as a person, strong, capable, loving and able didn’t leave you. They left not you and you will find you again as a whole person, loving Roger doesn’t change who you are, his love will always be there but this is your life now and you deserve to live it and be happy

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I agree, and I’m glad you’ve found your way through this. But when you’re older - I’m 72 - it’s a little different, because the life ahead may be short, and with no-one to share it with, it’s lonely and scary. Yes, I’m surviving, I have my own separate friends and interests (and always have done) but I don’t have the luxury of time in which to develop a whole new life. At this age, suddenly there’s nobody to support you through the inevitable illnesses and conditions that come with age. It’s a time when you share memories with your loved one, and hold each other’s hands through the tough periods. All that is gone, and the future looks bleak, with no unconditional love to keep you strong.

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I totally agree with you @Catrin1
I too will be 72 on Friday
What you’ve written is so true.
We always looked after each other through lifes ups and downs. Now we have to do it for ourselves
Yes it is scary and tough

Love and hugs
Liz x x

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I am 65 so not far behind you but I get you, however, I have learnt to not be dependent on others for my support, my life and happiness and future as that is the recipe to being unhappy, lonely and worry.
None of us have the luxury of time because nobody knows what time we have left do we?
I know people in their 80’s who are living their lives happily, some find partners, some don’t, age is no barrier at all in living life. The future only looks bleak when that’s what you tell yourself because none of us know what the future holds

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I have only ever commented on here to try and show some positivity in this journey but I realise now I don’t need to be on here now because it actually pulls me down reading all the heartbreak and negativity and it doesn’t actually seem to help anyone as I am so much further on and that for me personally is a good thing so I am going to leave this site which is long overdue for me now but wishing you all whatever you wish for yourselves

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Your positivity is genuinely inspiring @LynT , and I really do mean that. But it’s not negativity. Everyone is looking for support and comfort, and to know that what they are feeling is normal; and that support can mean the difference between having a s*** evening, and knowing that others understand. We come into this world alone, and we leave it alone, but the comfort gained from this site and the amazing, resilient people on it is a huge gift to those of us who have nobody else to turn to.

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Oh Lyn

I hope I haven’t made you feel that way.
I always read your words and I take heart from them that one day I too can be like you.

It’s just not happening for me yet.

I for one will miss you

Liz x x

@Catrin1 I totally understand that, I came on here 7yrs ago looking for that very same support. I know many people who were on here who have left and it’s because when you are at a different stage it can become depressing and sometimes positivity is not what is actually needed. I know I have overstayed on here and that’s not down to anyone else but me. This grief will change and I know out of loyalty a lot of you 2 yrs on will do the same as me but my journey on here is over and I’m actually relieved it is but I will always have a place for anyone travelling this shit show lol xx

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Don’t be daft lol, it’s my time to leave this site after 7 years lol x

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I wish you well
I really hope you have a long and happy life

Thankyou for all your kind words

Love and hugs
Liz x x

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Take care of yourself @LynT ; and the best of luck. I think you’ve been brave and inspiring, and I hope your future is bright and filled with good things.

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Time for one of the best quotes from Pooh:

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.”

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Thats good

I’m feeling rather low this morning and it made me cry again

But its a good quote
Thankyou

X x

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Hi Lyn

Such wise and sensible words! I have not lost a partner but someone so very close… I have tried to think your words but they do get muddled with sadness sometimes. To see your words written down has been has had a huge impact on me. Thank you x

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Hi again, @Liro. Im 76 and Penny died 2 1/2 years ago, and I remember my early months of despair and doubt.
I managed to move forward when I realised that “little voice in my head” was continually telling me “I’m doomed”. It felt like Private Fraser was sat on my shoulder.

I realised I had to shut him up.

I started using mindfulness, and I became much calmer and confident in the future. Ive continued my efforts to keep him under control, he can never go away, but I have a happy relationship with him. The first step was to realise he exists.

Maybe try Mindfulness, which you might already know about.

I’m just reading a book called “A Dogs Journey to Buddhism”. In it I’m learning even more to recognise my “Wandering Mind” and control it to a degree.

I might come across as a bit weird, but Im just an old pragmatic Yorkshireman, and I dont wear saffron robes. Nor have I shaved my head, my hair just disappeared over the years.

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Thanyou @tykey

I shall take your comments on board

Thanks for caring and sharing

Liz x x

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Wow never looked at like that - time for a rethink - I’ve always been part of a couple part of a family - I have felt lost - but I have made a stab at trying to be happy on my own - I have to try harder - reevaluate what I feel about everything - I’ve always felt I need people to make me happy - but maybe I just have to love me. I’ve never been self centred thought it was wrong but maybe it’s not?

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Thank you for your words. They have he me a lot.

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