My life is worthless and now has no reason to be

I’m 49 and suddenly lost my georgous wife. Yes financially I will be ok but what’s the point if you have no one to share it. If she was in later life I could perhaps accept no one lives forever but at 53 with no warning. So what have I got 20 years of lonleyness and emptyness and silence to look forward to. Just can’t see the point if my life.

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Jay, there is always a point in life, it is a gift. I am very sorry that you are in so much pain, I do understand, I am in pain too, having lost my husband 10 months ago very suddenly. I am sure that I shall see him again when the time is right.
I would imagine that your beautiful wife would not want you to be so unhappy, it is my belief that one day you two will be together again.
Blessings,
MaryL

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We were a team a really good team. For 23 years. Just wish I was with her. Really don’t know why I’m still here other than a cruel joke. Nothing gets easier. Pain gets worse. And I’m all alone. I’ve always been a strong person but this has totally changed me. Destroyed me.

Hello again, Jay,
I really am sorry that you are suffering so much, Stan and I had been married for 59 years, we were lucky to have so long together. We had been together for 62 years, since I was 17 years old and he was 22 years old. It is absolute agony when we lose them, I was in shock for months after I had found him dead on our bedroom floor. In fact I know that I am still in shock. Our daughter, son and grandson live 80 miles away in opposite directions, I saw them yesterday for the first time since well before the lockdown. Our grandson could not come he was working from home, it is a terrible time to be deprived of our loved ones, I do know what it is like. I am housebound with multiple medical conditions, You are so young to be losing your Allison. midnight is a very lonely time.
Take care,
Mary.

Hi Jay,
I am on this website a lot because I lost my father suddenly a year ago. I am your age.
We felt the same way that you describe for many months. That there is no bad place in the afterlife - because the bad place is right here on earth as we are living through it. Whats the point has come up countless times.
I dont pretend to have answers to these questions. I can assure you 100% that these rotten painful nights and days do ease. Right now, it feels preposterous.
Its one foot in front of the other, breathing moment to moment. If you can make it 1 minute, then 1 hour, and then 1 day. Thats how we coached each other in the beginning.
Trying this, that, and the other thing to get you through. Many people will reach out to you in real life if you let them and provide you with their individual ideas for coping. I listened to anyone who offered - every single conversation was worthy and helpful.
My mom, like Mary, is suffering in the same way as you. She had panic attacks, incredible anxiety, and all the rest that you are going through. She is sad as can be but is so much better mentally a year on.
Please keep talking here, plus with your friends, family, and if you are religious - at your place of worship. It all helps in small increments. Peace will come to your mind eventually. You will never ever forget her.
Warmly,
Ell

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Thank you for those kind words. I can only go hour by hour. The pain of missing her is so raw. I have do many good memories and photos that she has on display. I don’t want to remove them because they are good memories but at the same time they remind me that I will never have her companionship again. My glasses fill with tears just typing this.

Dear Ell,
I have said many times that hell is the space here on earth, as beautiful as it is in many places. I do not believe that the Devil is stoking up fires down below in hell.
Love,
Mary x

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Jay I totally understand how you are feeling I too am 49 and I lost my husband unexpectedly on 1st June he was 52. The funeral was yesterday and I don’t know how to carry on, we had so many plans for the next 10 years and then into retirement and now nothing gives me any joy. People on here are so supportive and if it gets too much there is always someone there to offer words of comfort and understanding in a way that people who haven’t experienced the loss of their soulmate can’t understand.

If things get too much just message me and I will be happy to listen,!

Hang in there

Thanks. People offer advice but they have no understanding of the pain you go through and constantly go through especially with the tragic of what we faced and how sudden it was only those on these sites have understanding.
Keep falling apart is part of my daily routine from waking up till sleeping and waking during the night. Keep being told to look forward but the brain just don’t work like that…wish I had a switch.

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Being a member of a club you never wanted to join!
Coupled friends who invite you over and all you can be is jealous that they still have each other,

I have been recommended an Organization called widowed and young which is for anyone who has lost a partner before their 51st birthday and they do group meetings (or will do once lockdown ends).

Hi. I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand what you are saying about what’s the point. On a good day the point is that you both enjoyed a life together. You filled it with love, laughter and happiness. I often try to think what my Andy would do if it was the other way around. Yes he would be devastated and think the same as in what’s the point. But I would want him to use the money to bring a degree of happiness to his life. To buy the watches he wanted, to go travelling, do scuba diving in all the exotic locations. One of my daughters feels saddened by the money her dad left her. I do too. However she has bought a house and her dad will now be a part of her home. I have used the money to make improvements on our home. I know it is so painful I had 17 lovely happy years and yes I wanted so many more. The pain we feel is the love we have for them. Our tears are also our love. I have read a book that helped me and I have now started writing a journal type thing. However I write as though I am talking to him.

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Hi. My life changed in November 2019. Life has been absolutely awful ever since. I have learned to pretend a lot more than I already did. I smile when I should, I laugh. I learned most of all, to keep most of it inside as most people can’t handle your grief, so after a while you stop expressing your sadness. I have been so very desperate at times and it’s a wonder to me that I am still here. I am so sad sometimes. I’m not lonely in being alone. That I can deal with. I just miss him so very much, it is like there is definitely something missing in me. The joy is gone. My heart is broken. There is a glimmer every now and then. Every day is hard. Every night is worse.
I thought that I had stopped sobbing until last week when it just jumped out and got me again. Since then it seems to be on the edge, but it seems to be abating again now. I sob internally all the time.
I’m sorry that I can’t say life will get better. It might. But I too feel like you, how can you live for the future when your love has gone?
I’ll try to breathe again today.
Gentle hugs from someone who knows x

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Hi. Just came across this conversation and the first post from Jay. The thought of what could be 20 years before John and i are together again is something that has been on my mind alot lately. I know how lucky i am to have children and grandchildren and they have been wonderful in the five months since John died. The thing is though that the time spent with them is differant than the time spent with your partner and was even before John went. Nothing will ever come close to replacing that feeling of being in a loving relationship, being half of a whole. It’s not something you can talk about to family about because they would be hurt to think their company was’nt enough. Maybe 20 years of just going through the motions of living without John by my side makes me feel so desolate and overwhelmingly sad. x

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Hi Gay,
I agree with everything you say, nothing can come close to the relationship we had with our partners.
I couldn’t talk with the family as they would feel that they’re not enough. I feel the same as you.
It’s just an empty, sad, scary future ahead. x

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Hi Jay
Am sorry for what you going through,It really is not easy at all, it’s a very painful process which is mentally exhausting, and am not even sure what to say to you but that just keep hanging in there and talking about your feelings . We are here to support each other .
The emptiness and loneliness is just unbearable and as for me am holding on to the hope that it might easier with time .

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So much sadness and loneliness … we all belong to an exclusive club that none of us asked to join . It doesn’t matter how long we were with our precious partners/wives/husbands … the chasm they have left behind in our hearts is so deep there is no bottom to it … the days and nights are endless and the pain relentless .
We see others moaning about the restrictions of Covid …that they can’t have their hair cut / Botox injections/ go on holiday / go to a restaurant and the anger boils over that they have such “ trivia” to moan about !
Whilst all we need is to be able to turn back time … and we never can . What future is there fo us ?
Jo

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Hi Jo. Sad to say welcome. We are in a very sad place. I’m just 4 weeks in. And it’s just the worst pain I have ever had and it don’t stop. Use this site for support. Say how you feel. You will get a response from someone who truly understands.
Unfortunately the people I know can only guess how it feels.
Keep safe

Jay

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Hi there Jo
At last someone has said it. Why moan about Covid or the trivialities that has gone with it. We are going through the worst thing imaginable and if we can go through this grief then we can manage to cope with anything else. The lockdown hasn’t made things worse we are going through the worst possible experience already. What does it matter if hair can’t be done, can’t have holidays etc or no coffee meetings with friends.
Take each day as it comes and concentrate on getting through it. Don’t worry about a future just a now. Don’t hold back tears they are a tribute to the people we loved so much.
xxx

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I was just thinking the same thing. As if any of this lockdown is even relevant when you are so very isolated anyway. Being alone is hard. But being with people that don’t quite understand is much lonelier. Sometimes it feels like it has been only moments since he left and at other times it seems like years and years ago. Because the pain is still so very raw is the ‘moments’ and because I have been missing him for such a long time. It has been nearly 8 months. But it could have been 8 days ago.

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Hiya Pattidot,
Yes we have to take every Minute Hour Day and then another day gone, wake n the morning start all over agan
Cannot get into television no CDs that n and this house without music is just not heard of.
Then all you hear is Covid what is there after lock down no different we are still grieving.
Hope I have not made you all worse just feeling sorry for myself and everybody on here,we should not be on here but nobody knowes what’s around the corner, just as well perhaps.
Love to you all.
Xxxx