My lovely, kind man had gone

I lost my wonderful husband just over 2 months ago. He was too young and it was totally unexpected. I am really struggling with the thought of the loss of him, our dreams and wonderful life together. Every single part of my life has changed. People are starting to expect me to get back to work, and pick up the pieces. They don’t understand is that to get up, get dressed and showered is an achievement at the moment. I know it’s early days but life without him seems so bleak. I dream of his smile, touch and kind words. Oh how he made me feel so special. I wonder if life will ever hold any joy again.

HI Vonnie

So sorry you have had to join us all on this site. It is early days for you and you are probably still in shock. My husband died unexpectedly in October and I am still taking things one day at a time. I know what you mean when you say every part of your life has changed. It’s difficult to know who we are as a great big part of us is missing. I wouldn’t worry about what other people think. If they haven’t been in this situation then they can’t possibly understand. Some days are slightly better than others but generally it’s just a case of getting through each day and not expecting too much of yourself.

Yvonne

I lost my beautiful wife of 25 years 4 weeks ago without any warning she was only 49, I feel exactly the same as you, I know you loved your partner more than the world itself, I know this because that’s how I loved my wife. I couldn’t word it any better than scorpio already has, but I can tell you that this forum has helped because we unfortunately understand

Thanks for your replies. In my head I know one day at a time is all I should aim for and I’m trying. I’ve read some of the posts on the forum and it’s good to know what I am feeling is sadly normal at this stage. It’s a real help and support. Thank you all.

Hi vonnie
I am truly so for you loss of your husband you are probably still in shock it has been such a short time since he has passed.
Please don’t worry about about people think you should be doing please just try to take things a day at a time that’s what I’m trying to do my husband passed away on the 26 th November keep coming on the forum we are all on this journey together and we are all trying to help each other please take care you are in my prayers.
Lily

Thanks Lily. Sorry that we find ourselves in this awful situation. Thank you for your reply. Take care of yourself.

Hi…I lost my partner nearly 3 months ago…and find it very tough. The change in weather is making everyone happy and just seems to add to my dispair!!! I wish I had words of wisdom but I dont. What i do have though is trust that the days will get better…different…still sad…but better. Reading on this forum has helped me realise what i feel is normal. I too feel incomplete but day by day I get through. Im back at work, a huge step, but i got through it. Theres no magic…but do whatever gets you through the days and nights. I do hope things get a little easier for you.

I can sadly relate vonnie life is so hard when your young and lose your life partner

I’m in my 30s and lost my husband 6 months ago suddenly and unexpectedly he was only 44 we have a young child together who is also finding it difficult to deal with. I find nights and loneliness the hardest to deal with wanting to call him to hear his voice and can’t , just thinking about planning a holiday without him is unbearable. I’m lucky I have support but no one knows how I feel,

Yes I understand your pain and what you are going through , I lost my husband 3 weeks ago , I just keep thinking how will I ever feel good again and what am I going to do now . All the plans we had , my whole life has changed , I miss him , my old happy life is now sad and miserable . I try to keep busy but the fact my husband is not here never leaves my head . Sorry I’m not much help just wanted you to know I’m feeling the same

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Hi tiff I feel exactly the same I lost my husband 6 months ago and miss him so much it’s so hard to imagine life in the future without him, I find the night times the hardest and the loneliness x

Hi Vonnie, your words made be cry this morning. They just took me back to your ‘time’. Yes, it is pretty unbearable. You feel like you are physically wading through mud. What used to take you seconds to do, now seem to take forever. That element feels quite pathetic and you can’t believe it, but that’s normal. If I went out, coming back into an empty house was AWFUL, it was better not to leave at all. In my waking hours, I have the radio on all the time, I love music anyway, but at least there’s a sound in the emptiness, but nothing that needs your attention like a television. People do seem to think (people that haven’t been through this…) that you ‘move on’ pretty quickly. How wrong they are. It’s been seven years for me and although I’ve been busy, been on holidays, socialising, it’s still hard. Your life will hold joy again. Keep going. Oh cripes, I’ve started crying again… and I’ve got someone coming to check my drainage problem in 20 mins… oh dear. Whatever. Stay strong. Keep writing it helps, even if you write your feelings down off this site, it helps. The very best of wishes. Annette xx

Hi

I ;lost my husband in September and it would have been our 46th anniversary this Sunday. I too take a day at a time, Some days I believe and know its happened, I just do what I have to , shopping, cleaning etc. in the knowledge that I am on my own now but then some days I just cannt believe that he wont come back through the door and thats when I crumble, like today. I miss him terribly and would have looked after him as his conditon got worse - he had big heart problems, although he would have hated being an invalid.

People say time heals, I think its more like accepting that nothing is going to change but I cannt see how I can ever be happy again, and am really getting fed up with being fed up and weepy and tired and do try to be smiley in front of people and family, but its all an act.

Like you have said nobody can explain the devastation until they go through it. I suppose we are the lucky ones because we had good and happy years,. I was talking to a lady yesterday who has been caring for her husband for 7 years, and she more or less she had had enough now of it all, and seemed to be very bitter for the way her life has turned out and really seemed to resent him.

If anyone reading has any tips for going forward I would love to know how . Take care, at least its not grey outside and the birds are tweeting.

Jxx

Hi Vonnie
Every day has its on challenges even just getting out of bed stupid things that before you didn’t think off all seem to hold a hidden pain .
I’m nearly 5 months down this road and I’m older than you I was married when I was 16 and meet George when I was 14 he was playing football in the park I was in with my friends we were together for almost 39years this year no matter the time we had be it long or short the pain is overwhelming the loss is massive .
I am back at work and I work in the ward straight across from the one my beautiful husband passed away in .
I have days now were the waves crash over me with gaps between them at the beginning the waves came all the time and could hardly breath between them I cry most days his loss is just as overwhelming I go to councilling once a week and I find it helps me we are all different and will travel this journey on our own way it isn’t a race we can’t cut corners and we can’t put it to one side and then come back to it when we are stronger grief won’t let you do that .
I miss my husband laugh his smile his beautiful blue eyes his smell his voice I miss him holding me as I know you are missing your husband I thank him everyday for the life we had together please take care of your self and I’m thinking of you and all on the forum .
Lily

Hi June

I do feel for you. I had a weepy day yesterday so today I am hiding away indoors. I have cancelled coffee with a friend because it will be too difficult to put on the act. I think it’s the sunshine that has affected me. Geoff loved the sun and wore his shorts and sunglasses for as long as possible throughout the year. We always used to head to the parks or the local pool on days like these. I can’t bring myself to go to any of those places on my own. The memories came thick and fast yesterday.

The contractors want to start work on the house next week and I have been told to visit shops to choose wallpaper, paint, flooring and carpet. This would have been an enjoyable job if Geoff was here but on my own it just seems daunting.

Like your husband, Geoff would have hated to have been incapacitated and so it is a relief that he did not suffer, but missing him is so very hard.

I hope everyone else is able to enjoy the nice weather and that it lifts their spirits a little.

Yvonne

Hi Yvonne

Similar to you , we were going to have some decorating done in September but after my husband passed over I couldn’t face it. I have now had it done, only emulsion and paintwork, hall , dining room kitchen, conservatory and it looks new and fresh . The day it was completed I put new cushions and lamps in the conservatory and was really pleased with it all, and then for some reason sat and broke my heart . I can think about today and what, if anything I have to do tomorrow, but beyond that life on my own is daunting, even though I have 2 sons with family, the thought gives me a gut wrenching feeling so I just don’t think, which is alien to me because I am a plotter and a planner .

I am sitting in the conservatory now with the door open, washing on the line and I can imagine him sitting in one of the comfortable chairs doing his crossword asking what’s for lunch. Little did I know last year at this time I would be here on my own. I wish I could just get through this but don’t know how and like you don’t fancy pretending that I’m fine so for now I will busy myself and stay home.

Good hunting for your decorating and carpets. Strangely even if Barry was still here he would invariably leave colours to me, unless he really didn’t like something. I think the only way I am going to get through this is to keep telling myself that he really didn’t stand a chance and was spared being a real invalid and wouldn’t have liked it.

Be kind to yourself, this is one journey I didn’t want but my sons say if I had gone first they would have had a real problem on their hands with their dad, he would have probably bought some cigarettes and would have ended up having 2 funerals …

Thinking of you

June xx

Hello Annette,
Your post helped me a bit. It is 13 months since my husband died. I have the feeling that people think I should be moving on. I have friends and hobbies but coping is difficult. I have just had to come home. I went to a friend’s house for a while then shopping as my daughter was coming for a meal. She rang to say my granddaughter is ill and they are not coming. I was in the supermarket and trying not to cry. I stayed as long as I could because I didn’t want to face coming home and spending the evening alone. I have a book to read and the piano to play but I feel weak and tired. I can’t face doing the things that would help me. I want my life back but it isn’t happening. I have holidays planned but I am just going through the motions of living. I should be grateful that I can afford to go on holiday and socialize with friends but it all seems so empty. I too have the radio on all the time and at least the music helps. I am sorry you are still suffering after 7 years. I so wish to get over this soon but feel totally as though I am drifting in space all alone. Sorry to be so negative! Take care, Pattoa.

Hello Pattoa,
I’m glad it helped a little. Usually I’m okay, but today I have been ‘mooning’ around, rather pathetic I know! Love songs on Radio 2 started off the mood I think… Husbands/wives writing in for each other etc. You are certainly not alone with your emotional roller coaster and from reading ‘others’ descriptions, perfectly normal. Time is the key but the loss is never going to be forgotten, it’s just a matter of learning to cope with it I think. What a life eh? And I am so totally sure that our other halves (I know mine would!), would be saying for goodness sake woman, get on with it. But yes, hard. Keep writing and the very best of wishes to you. Annette xx

Hi. Gosh I can so relate. My partner died 3 months ago…and most people seem to think i should be getting better. Im doing all the physical things…and this in others eyes is me ‘getting better’…but im not and i want to cry out…“Im still sad, very sad and be gentle with me”. Like you its the lonely evening. I still work…but coming home is not nice. The nice weather seems to make it sadder. All i can say…is that you are not alone, as much as it feels it…there are others feeling as you do. Ive been told that things do ’ get easier’…as hard as it seems right now. I dont know you…or who ir where you are…but i will be thinking of you this evening. Jackie

Hi lost partner
I think the evenings are the worst time of the day for me as well i work 13 hour shifts so when I come in I’m just so shattered I shower and try and sleep .
I don’t drive so have to depend on public transportation for me my worst day is sundays I don’t work on a Sunday there is no public transport here on a Sunday and if the weather is bad I can’t even go for a walk .
People who haven’t gone through this pain don’t know how we all feel they try and help but now if I’m having a rotten day I say it I don’t try any more to protect other people’s feelings I am very lucky I work with people who have known me for years and New my husband and know that this is not a illness that we get better from . Please take care thinking of you all .
Lily

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